Someone Else

This is my first poem that doesn't rhyme. I'm trying to step outside my usual box, but still give it to me straight.

I want to be someone else,
because I'm done with me.
Somewhere I made a wrong turn.
It's too late to go back.
Now I'm annoyed with the place I'm at.

I'd rather be wild.
I could be fun;
go to all the parties.
Play all night and dance all day.
Leave myself behind and do whatever I want.

I've tormented myself to shreds.
Completely terrified but with no idea of what.
My once empty shell is now filled with dread.
There has to be something better.
There has to be another way.

I can play the vixen,
be the girl who turns every man's head.
Tease the boys and taunt the girls.
I'd like to be attractive,
I'd love to be desired.

Bored with the recluse I am.
Exhausted by the loneliness I feel.
Crushed by the pressure.
Lost to the fear.
I'm dying to get away from me.

Maybe I'll be spontaneous,
live each day like it's my last.
Who cares about the future?
All I have is this moment.
Work for money just so I can blow it.

What if I were confident?
I could be sure of my every step.
I wouldn't seek validation.
I'd give it to myself.
I could look to the sky and not the ground.

I yearn to be stripped of this skin.
When I look in the mirror,
I despise the girl staring back at me.
Saddled with this girl whose too embarrassed to live,
I wish I could be someone else.

Hi GreatEscape! I haven't met you yet, so hi. I'm Forever Threnody. Okay, so onto your review.

I want to be someone else,
because I'm done with me.
Somewhere I made a wrong turn.
It's too late to go back.
Now I'm annoyed with the place I'm at.

• Okay, one, nice introduction. People understand exactly what the poem will be about by reading it. Good.
• Now, I don't mind poems without any rhyme scheme, but if you remove that variable, you need to introduce a second party into your poem. Usually, in order to keep your poem flowing, one would add either a syllable pattern, or an iambic pentameter. Usually those go hand in hand. You've got a pretty consistent syllable pattern so far, but the last line gets way off. Here's your stats so far:

6
6
7
6
9

3/4 of the stanza fits nicely together, but the last one throws the whole stanza off track. Cut the last stanza down because otherwise your poem sounds choppy and uncoordinated.

I'd rather be wild.
I could be fun;
go to all the parties.
Play all night and dance all day.
Leave myself behind and do whatever I want.

• Again, the syllables and the iambic pentameter. Without those components to fall back on, a poem is no better than prose.

Just cut them down and reword. You don't need to watch out for rhyme, so it should be generally easy. Let me give you an example in case I'm confusing you:

Here's a few verses that lack syllable pattern/iambic pentameter.

The light, it captivated
It psychedelic hue,
That burned like a fire in the hearth
But this one never died out to be blue

One that keeps a consistent rhythm:
The light, it captivated
It's psychedelic hue
That burned like the hearth fire
Only, it never turned blue




---


This poem was generally choppy, it would sound so much better with a rhythm that remained overall the same. Also, this poem wasn't exactly that redeeming, but that's not really an issue, just something I pointed out.

Of course, in this poem, you've listed droves of things you could be, but you didn't explain exactly what you were in the first place. With a poem like this, you need to stress more on that. It's harder to empathize with someone you don't know anything about.

That's about it. The main idea was rather good, a theme that's hard to pull off.

Peace. Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

I have read this over many times. It's very interesting to me. You oscillate between your desolate feelings in one stanza and your possible choices in the next.

There has to be something better.

There has to be another way.

You create a very despondent effect by offering yourself many choices and yet imploring for "something better" and "another way." It's like you know the answers, but you know even more that they're just not going to work. This piece has a nice catharsis-type melancholy for the reader. Well done.

There isn't much transition between stanzas. It seems like the middle stanzas could be all jumbled around and it would still make sense. (Consequently the first and last stanzas are my favourites. I think they're spot on!)

I've tormented myself to shreds.

Completely terrified but with no idea of what.

My once empty shell is now filled with dread.

It's probably accidental, but this is kind of a rhyme. If it's meant to be unrhyming, having one rhyme in the poem is kind of unsettling.

Saddled with this girl whose too embarrassed to live,

This whose should be who's.

The more I read it, the more I like it! Good work.
-rahcel