I’ve been a loser, geek and nerd ever since I could remember I think I’ve never had any friends in my life, hmmm... nope never. Since my mom is so worried about me never really expressing my feelings in front her when we have our “talks” she gave me this stupid journal she said I read too much and I should watching more T.V what kind of parent does that! Well as I’m in my room writing in you journal I’ll tell you how much of a loser I am at school, by the way you’re probably wondering why I’m talking about myself like this because shrink says it’s good to express bad things about yourself and good things but I don’t know any good things about myself. So what happened today was dreadful 1st period stupid Carlos Mendez kept on poking the back my hair with his pencil he says my hair is so nappy and curly I could lose a pencil in there (by the way I’m mixed and my dad’s mixed and he has curly nappy hair my mom’s australian) he kept on calling a ugly fat sumo wrestler with a hairy back, okay let me tell you something I am not that ugly and I definitely don’t have a hairy back I am a little bit heavy set but as close to fat. So what I said is “ Oh shut up you ain’t so pretty yourself!” and he said “ Yeah! But I’m cuter than your ugly butt!” the whole class started laughing Mr. Callaway smirked a little then returned to a serious face and said “Okay class settle down” what kind of teacher laughs when a student is getting picked on didn’t he notice how red my face was I was completely humiliated nut I’m used to it. So then 2nd period Veronica Gastin and her little gang were just glaring at me and looking at me up and down it made me dizzy so when the bell rang I ran out the classroom as fast as I can they caught up to me and they held me down and I screamed and said “ Teacher! Help!” so Mrs. Frank our counselor came over and told us to brake it up and go to class so when I left Veronica said she was going to get me after school it’s probably because I snitched and screamed “teacher” and that thing that happened in third grade, let me tell you the story Veronica was new at school and I was trying to make a friend so me and Veronica started talking then mean old Keisha Walker called her over telling her I was a loser and that I have no friends and that I’m a weirdo and that if she was my friend with me she’d become a weirdo too, I mean who would ever believe that such gullible children so Keisha asked her if she wanted to throw rocks at me during recess when I heard that I stayed inside all recess I never knew why Keisha didn’t like me. So basically after school I’m screwed so second period science we had some partners to do some kind of project I don’t I just let my partner do all the work which was Lucas Nguyen a.k.a Mr. Albert Einstein he’s more of a loser than me so basically I got an A on class work. Third period gym was absolutely embarrassing first we did our warm-up two lap jog, I was the last one to finish so basically my stupid teacher Ms. Hogog a.k.a Ms. Hotdog she’s basically a gym teacher/ prison guard from hell with a German accent who treats us like we’re in the army even though it’s raining and it’s really wet she makes us run laps and do push-ups and crunches. So today in gym we were climbing the ropes I forgot to tighten my shorts so as I was climbing the rope I made it to the top which I’ve never done before so my pants started slipping down my ankles and eventually slid off my feet, and revealed my boyish boxer’s/ underwear I was so red and embarrassed I started crying(in front of everyone) since I was stuck up there they had to call the janitor to get me down as I finally got down the bell rang and I noticed someone stole my shorts and to get to the girls locker room I need to go through the hallway which was filled with other students trying to get to their classes I had no other ideas but to run and try to cover myself as I ran through the hallways people tried to get a glimpse of me especially the boys (perverts!) and the worse is that I fell and tripped on my shoelace and everybody saw me so I got as quickly as I could and rushed to the locker rooms to change it was one of the worst days of my life. So Ms. Hogog gave me a pass to go to my next class but I didn’t I skipped I just hate social studies my teacher Mr. Sank a psychopath instead of teaching us he cry’s to us about his problems and him breaking up with his wife I’m just so tired of it and plus he gives us 100% even if we listen or not. So when I skip class I hide in the bathroom to think about my embarrassing moments then I started to look in the mirror I looked at all the horrible zits I had on my face and they were all red I looked like I had the chicken pox, then suddenly I heard someone coming in I ran into the stall, I heard a familiar voice it was.. Veronica! My heart was pounding really hard and then just my luck her little gang was here now, I knew I was really screwed. I ran into the stall as fast as I could and stood on the toilet trying to hold my balance, when they came in I could hear the sound of Sharpie markers squeaking on the wall while Veronica was writing she was saying what she was writing I heard that she wrote “Lauren is such a loser”. Then for some reason I got really really mad people were always talking about me and picking on me and pushing me around all of a sudden I just snapped I got down from the toilet and kicked down the stall door really hard I even heard Veronica and her gang all gasp I walked up to her pushed her into the wall I could hear her head slam against it then I punched her in the eye and kicked her down to the ground (and trust me I’m not exaggerating I never knew I could fight like that) while she was on the ground her gang was holding me back while she got up and they all pushed me against the wall and it was Veronica’s turn to push me around she slapped my face like fifty times and then she was punching in my ribs and stomach and then she grabbed my neck in a choke hold and I could really feel my throat squishing then I bit her arm and then punched her in the nose (I never knew I was this tough) after that a teacher came in and broke up the fight but she couldn’t separate us so she had to get security to brake us up and this was a guy who came into the girls bathroom when we finally stopped fighting I realized that Veronica’s gang had left and ditched her when we went to the office to settle what had happened Veronica said that her gang had witnessed the whole thing they came in and said that they didn’t see anything and that they were in class the whole time I felt bad but then I felt good that her friends were just turning their backs on her which I thought was really unfair but she deserved it. So principle Ruffle suspended us and at that time I knew my mom was going to kill me. After we left the I saw that Veronica had this huge black eye and dry blood on her nose it was pretty scary and all I got was a cut on my cheek from her smacking and scratching me. Somehow word got around the whole school that I beat up Veronica and I pretty much did she got a black eye and bloody nose all I got was a little scratch, there was a rumor that I stabbed her how can people think up such violent stuff and how could I be so violent. I went to lunch and got my food then went to sit at one of the geek and nerd tables they never judge me, except for this time as soon as I sat down all of them got up except for on Marcy I’ve seen her around school before with her cane, Marcy’s blind and really nice and funny she’s always making people I never really talked to her before because I’m usually quiet at lunch, I’m always laughing at her jokes “ As I always say two’s a crowd” Marcy said, as I laughed my little nervous laugh “What’s wrong?” she asked I didn’t really know Marcy but she’s the first person who was actually being friendly to me so I guess I could talk to her about it I need someone to talk to (not trying to be desperate) so I told her about me and Veronica fighting, there a few seconds of silence and all I could hear was sounds of people talking in the cafeteria finally Marcy said “You should definitely switch schools or towns or even countries”, I laughed but the expression on Marcy’s face was serious
That was very....interesting. To me, it sounds very autobiographical, although I can be wrong. But the stream of consciousness style and the names of the teachers seem like this could really happen to someone.
Also, I've never heard of anyone be this self loathing before. stuff like "I don’t know any good things about myself" really sound over the top. Even the kids with the lowest self-esteem have something they're good at or think they're good at; dancing, writing, drawing, sports, hell, even eating.
Another problem is that it has no grammar and no spelling, which can make it hard on the reader. But since it is a "journal entry", I'll let that slide. It's super informal but that can work here.
Overall, I think with a little work, it can be a decent piece.
"I find myself to be incredibly quotable." Me
"Reach for the stars, because if you fall, you'll land on a cloud" Kanye West
"You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance." Ray Bradbury, Advice to Writers
Oooookay. I understand your, err... self-loathing, but can you please, please pleeeease format your 'essay' properly? Seriously, it's too personal to be considered as a story. And another fact is that topics like these are quite trivial to the readers.
We're just gonna say, "This is your life, this is about yourself, and I am not related to you in any way, so... Why would I care?"
You don't want that initial action of repulse, don't you? You already loathe yourself so much...
I was annoyed by the lack of punctuation, plot, character development, and good sense. You shouldn't, repeat, shouldn't, make stories too personal, or else readers would just skip it and read something else much more worth their time. Trust me, the more, err... refined your writing gets, the more readers you will snag. I hope you got my point.
Did I mention the messy format and the lack of punctuation? I shall do the honor of repeating it again: Fix that messy format and punctuation-deprived clump of words.
Why not try to put this story into a third-person perspective? It may become a challenge to truly express the character's sorrow if you do so, but wouldn't that be more interesting to read rather than the bland, "me, me, me" point of view? Unless you are willing to revise this into a better piece (and stick to the first-person POV), I will not take back my words about the third-person perspective.
I hope that helps.
+Katie+
"A fish bit my hand this morning, and everything became trippy. Now with this coke and this cherry, I can beautifully rule the world!"
-Dino, @ Dino and Cake's Adventures in La-La Land (Coming Soon)
Perhaps you could paragraph it? It looks a bit daunting to read if it's just a solid block of writing. Try and break it up a little. I know it's in the style of a journal or something, but i think it would appeal more to the reader if you tried paragraphing.
Also, it's a little confusing and long-winded. Try adding more punctuation. It's hard to keep up and the pace feels a little rushed. Slow down! Add a comma or two. And know when to end a sentence! It sounds like you're rambling and it's really hard to keep up.
Another thing is the spelling mistakes, but they can be easily missed when you're writing ^^ For instance when you say "our counselor came over and told us to brake it up..." you put the wrong spelling of the word here. Should be 'break' instead of 'brake'
Plus, you tend to wander a little when writing. You start a sentence at one place and end in a totally different area. I don't know if this is typical of the character or not, but it's a little confusing.
"Mr. Sank a psychopath instead of teaching us he cry’s to us about his problems..." You don't need the apostrophe, change it to 'cries'
Moving on to the good things ^^ Your ideas where funny - her pants falling down when she's on the rope in P.E - that was hilarious. And you've captured her unpopularity and nerdiness. Shown brilliantly when she's crying out for the teacher to rescue her, and the taunts from her fellow students.
My tip: consider everything (or most things) that everyone has said.
Keep writing!
~ EmmaJane ~
Your = Possession. Your shoes are so sweet! You're = Omission. You're quite strange...
If you are confused about which to put, simply say in your mind "you are" and see if that fits the sentence. If not, you are looking for your.
