Love

Hey! Just wanted to let you know that I wrote this in forty-five minutes and no editing outisde of spell check has been done. Only three people has read this as of now, and all said they liked it how it was. However, I know that you guys, like the writer buffs you are, will tear this piece apart, which is what I need, badly.

Sorry that its kind of long... but I really can't split it up...


But, do me a small favor and tear this poor story apart. =D

XxXxXxXxX

Love.

The one feeling everyone in the world wants to witness for themselves at least once in their lifetime. They want the true love, though; not fake. They want the butterflies. They want the feeling of being loved; of belonging. They want their heart to race and their breath to be taken away. They want to be unable to think about something else besides the one they love. They want the reassurance that they have someone they can run to. To laugh with; to cry with. They want to be able to forget that time or anything else even exists. They want to be with that person forever.

Love.

Such a wonderful, horrible thing.

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

The image was daunting. It was horrible; I wanted it out of my head. It needed to get out. I hated that picture with a burning passion. It had him in it--Mason. Mason Stone. Brown hair to the bottom of his ears, bangs to his chocolate brown eyes, a face held in concentration as he swung back his leg to kick the soccer ball into the goal.

I hated him.

Yet, I couldn't throw away the picture.

"Urgh!" I held my head in my hands and gritted my teeth, pulling at my hair. "Leave. My. Head!" I commanded, "Go away!" I collapsed backward onto my bed, groaning. Why wouldn't he leave me alone? He was bad enough when I had to see him; had to talk to him. I couldn't get peace from him even when I was at home! And my house was my escape from him!

I picked up the picture and looked at it once more. It was professionally done, that's why I couldn't throw it away. It cost Ann money to buy it. Although, she did buy it just to annoy me. She knew I hated him. Why would she do this to me? Maybe I should throw it away...

I got up off my bed and threw it in my trash.

Ha, Ann, take that.

I sighed and took it back out of the trash, setting it on my desk. Well... I should probably keep it to remember the game, at least... To remember the winning goal. Ahh, and by winning goal, I, of course, meant winning the championships... It had been the last game of the season, tied at 3-3 with only thirty seconds to go. Mason stole the ball from the opposing team, dodged attempts to steal it from him, and kicked it towards the goal, just as time went out. Everyone watched in anticipation as the goalie dived for the ball in the upper left hand corner. He missed.

The crowd went absolutely wild. The school band started playing, people screamed, throwing their popcorn and hats into the air... It was the picture of absolute delight and excitement. The soccer team all rushed up to Mason and picked him up, their faces elated, fists pumping in the air. Mason rode on top of them like a king, both arms in the air, smiling a smile that was halfway between a grin and a smirk.

Ann and I jumped up, yelling with delight and hugged each other. Our school, who had never won anything big, won the championships. No doubt this game would be remembered forever.

I looked back at the soccer team, noticing the other team slowly sulking away, and searched for Mason. I saw him back on his own two feet, talking with the rest of the players excitedly. The coach, a giant smile on his face--more emotion than I think anyone's ever seen on his face--called the team into the locker rooms, slapping each guy on their back as they passed him.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the crowd disappeared, chatting excitedly about the "epic" game.

The next day, everyone was still talking about the big game. A photographer was even selling professional photos, prices depending on how big the picture was. As a joke, Ann got me that wallet sized one...

Oh how I hate her so much.

I stared at the picture for a bit longer and sighed, exasperated. He annoyed me so much, with his cocky attitude, his "perfect" body, those beautiful green eyes...

I shook my head. No, no, no, no, no. He was annoying. Not "beautiful". Psh, whatever. Irritated, I shook my head and stalked away from my desk. He did not have beautiful eyes.

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

"Wednesdayyyyyyy... don't be mad at me... I only got you that picture as a joke! Come on... don't be mad? Please?" Ann begged, following me into the school. I had picked her up and given her the silent treatment the whole way. I was probably going overboard, but, you know... Teenage girls just need any excuse to act mean toward their friends, even if it was irrational.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. I'm not mad," I gave in. "But only because you're so annoying."

"Because you loooove me," she sang, doing a small dance.

Ann was the girl every female wanted to be. She had black long hair that went down to mid-back with strands of purple, pink, green, red, orange and about every other neon color out there known to man. She had her own sense of style. She could pull off wearing any combination of clothes and look absolutely amazing in them. She said all you have to do is to just be confident in yourself and you'd look good in anything. I said it’s because she's beautiful--pure fact.

She's always wearing a belt, no matter what type of pants she decided to wear that day, and it’s always a fun one. One is white and has turtles on it. Another has rubber ducks. And one is full of quotes from the Joker. She also always (well, most of the time) has a camera on her. You have to be sharp, because Ann loved taking pictures at the most embarrassing time and then posting them up on Facebook or some other place where the whole world will be able to see them.

I gave a small smile and rolled my eyes.

"Smile!" She cried and a bright light went off. She looked at the screen eagerly and laughed in delight.

"Ahh, this is awesome! It’s so going on Facebook!"

I stole a look at the screen, blinking my eyes rapidly, trying to get the flash out of my eyes. There I was, looking drunk on the camera, my eyes at weird angles. "No, Ann! Do not post that one! Please!"

Ann grinned evilly. "Sorry. You know The Rules."

The Rules: Once a picture gets taken, it goes up, no matter what.

"Ann, please?" I pleaded.

"Nope, sorry."

I sighed, as if giving up, and then lunged for the camera suddenly, catching Ann completely by surprise. She shrieked and nearly dropped it, keeping a hold of it the last minute. She looked at me, her eyes wide. "You would've been dead if you had broken my camera."

"But I didn't, so all's well," I smiled, still irked that she had the camera.

"Hey, now, let’s all be fair," someone said.

Ann protested violently as Mason, of all people, came up behind her and took her camera from her. He held it up high so Ann couldn't jump to get it (Mason was about six foot, Ann being at a small five foot one) as he looked at the picture, and laughed loud when he came upon mine. "Man, Wednesday, you look so drunk!"

I gritted my teeth, ignoring the feeling of hate inside my chest. "Yes, I know, Mason. That would be why I was just trying to steal it from her, so I could delete the stupid thing."

Mason rolled his eyes. "Why does it bother you that much, Red?"

I clenched my jaw tight. "Do not call me that."

"Why not? It’s the color of your hair, so we may as well give you a nickname that fits. And it has to be shorter than that looooooong name of yours," he smirked. "I think Red works perfectly. Don't you?" He asked to a random kid passing us in the hallway. The kid nodded. "See? Even he agrees."

"That doesn't count," I growled. "He had no idea what we're talking about."

"Still. He agreed. It counts."

"Uhh, no, sorry. It doesn't."

"It does."

"Not."

"So."

"Not! Come on, Mason! Give me the camera so I can delete that stupid picture!"

"Okay, okay, here, I'll delete it for you." He looked up at the camera again, went through the many pictures, found the one of me and deleted it. "There. Happy?"

I glared at him, pursing my lips and stalked away angrily. Oh, how he got on my nerves! How could anyone stand such a being like him!? It’s like he was created for the sole purpose of annoying me! What in the world did I do to deserve such horrible torture!?

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

"So, Wednesday, are you coming to the game tonight, then?"

"What? Game? But the championships were last night... why would we be having another game?" I asked, confused.

Ann rolled her eyes. "In a school full of gossips, only you would not know, Wednesday, only you. It’s only been the top gossip. We're playing against our sister school for one last 'fun' game before the season ends." She made air quotes around the word fun.

"Ahh." No, don't make me go. Please don't make me go... "You're going to drag me along, aren't
you, even if I say no."

She nodded.

I sighed. "Alright, fine. I'll go."

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

School was out; finally out for the weekend. Kids streamed out of the classrooms and into the hallways, going to their lockers and heading out for the buses. Everyone was chatting excitedly to one another about what they were doing over the weekend and mainly the big game later.

"Hey! Red! C'mere a minute, would you?"

The hallway was now nearly empty, just a few strolling up and down the hall, so I heard Mason's voice and that horrible nickname very clearly. I kept walking, pretending I didn't hear.

"Red! Come on, no one's around! I know you can hear me!"

I kept walking, when suddenly an arm wrapped around my shoulders and one hundred and sixty pounds were dropped on me. I would have collapsed had it not been for Mason keeping me upright.

"Get off me!" I growled, trying to shrug out from under him.

"Come on, Red! Calm down... live a little."

"I do live, thank you very much. I'd just love to live my life without you in it."
Mason stopped walking suddenly, making me halt, too. He lowered his head so his mouth was at my ear and whispered, "You don't mean that, do you?"

I blinked, surprised by his sudden change in attitude. That wasn't like him... usually he'd be his usual happy-go-lucky self and brush it off, as if I hadn't said anything more than my usual "go away, you're annoying" thing. But... he genuinely sounded hurt at this... "W-what?"

"You don't really mean that you don't want me in your life, do you?" He stood up straight and slowly pressed my back against the lockers. Looking me straight in the eyes, he asked again. "You don't want me in your life?"

I furrowed my brow. "No... That’s not it. I do, it’s just--"

"Good," he interrupted, lying his forehead on mine. "Because... I don't think I could live without you."

I blinked once again in surprise. Wait... what? Mason... the jock soccer player who annoyed the living hell out of me on purpose, couldn't live without me? But... what did that mean? That he l--

And he kissed me. His warm lips full on mine, making me gasp in surprise. I tried to pull away, but couldn't because of the lockers. He leaned in deeper, kissing me and my heart throbbed. It throbbed for the man I had always loved, but covered it with hate. Fireworks went off behind my now closed eyes and I wrapped my arms around Mason's neck, bringing him in closer.

Soon, we had to come up for air, much to both of our displeasure.

He was such an amazing kisser... where had he learned it?

He grinned at me. "I knew you'd come around, Red. I've liked you since the third grade, you know that?"

Third grade? But... that was when he moved here! So... he's liked me all this time! And I thought he was just an annoying little pest, not worth my time.

No, said a little voice inside my head. You thought that's what he was... you just didn't want to admit that you were in love with someone at such a young age.

"Third grade, huh?"

He nodded. "Third grade. Are you coming to the game?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Ann's going to drag me to it."

"She knew, you know."

"Knew what?"

"That... that I've liked you for a long time now." His face turned a bit red.

I laughed. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me..."

"She also knew I was going to do this."

"What? Ambush me after school?"

He shook his head, his brown hair falling a bit in front of his eyes. He kissed me one more time softly on the lips and asked, "Will you go out with me?"

I grinned up at him. "I don't know. Will there be enough room in the stadium for all of us?"

He cocked his head. "All of us?"

"You, me and your ego."

He laughed, grabbed me around the waist and brought me close to him and we walked out of the
school. "I think so," he said, "though it may end up being a tight fit."

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

Love.

Completely indescribable to someone who's never had it.

It can be disguised as anything. Obsession, hate, loathing... you name it.

The one thing that all people agree on, however?

It is absolutely the best feeling one can ever have.

Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
¶ = I started new paragraph.
Love.

The one feeling everyone in the world wants to witness for themselves at least once in their lifetime. They want the true love... not fake. Maybe try “They want the true love, though; not fake. They want the butterflies. They want the feeling of being loved. They want their heart to race and their breath to be taken away when talking to the person. I’d omit that. They want to be unable to think about something else besides the one they love. They want to be with that person forever.
I really, really like this first paragraph, but maybe you could add some more. Like, feeling like you belong (I’d place that right after ‘feeling of being loved; of belonging). Knowing you have someone to run to. To laugh. To cry. To forget time or anything else even exists. You get the point.

Love.

Such a wonderful, horrible thing.

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

The image was daunting. It was horrible; I wanted it out of my head. It needed to get out. I hated that picture with a burning passion. It had him in it – Mason. Mason Stone. Brown hair to the bottom of his ears, bangs to his grass-green eyes, a face held in concentration as he swung back his leg to kick the soccer ball into the goal.

I hated him.

Yet... I’d remove the ellipses I couldn't throw away the picture.

"Urgh!" I held my head in my hands and gritted my teeth, pulling at my hair. "Leave. My. Head!"

I commanded, "Go away!" I collapsed backward onto my bed, groaning. Why wouldn't he leave me alone? He was bad enough when I had to see him; had to talk to him. I couldn't get peace from him even when I was at home! And my house was my escape from him!

I picked up the picture and looked at it once more. It was professionally done, that's why I couldn't throw it away. It cost Ann money to buy it. Although, she did buy it just to annoy me. She knew I hated him. Why would she do this to me? Maybe I should throw it away...

I got up off my bed and threw it in my trash.

Ha, Ann, take that.

I sighed and took it back out of the trash, setting it on my desk. Well... I should probably keep it to remember the game, at least... To remember the winning goal. Ahh, and by winning goal, I, of course, meant winning the championships... It had been the last game of the season, tied at 3-3 with only thirty seconds to go. Mason stole the ball from the opposing team, dodged attempts to steal it from him, and kicked it towards the goal, just as time went out. Everyone watched in anticipation as the goalie dived for the ball in the upper left hand corner. And I think “he” would sound better than “and”. missed.

The crowd went absolutely wild. The school band started playing, people screamed, throwing their popcorn and hats into the air... It was the picture of absolute delight and excitement. The soccer team all rushed up to Mason and picked him up, their faces elated, fists pumping in the air. Mason rode on top of them like a king, both arms in the air, smiling a smile that was halfway between a grin and a smirk.

Ann and I jumped up, yelling with delight and hugged each other. Our school, who had never won anything big, won the championships. No doubt this game would be remembered forever.

I looked back at the soccer team, noticing the other team slowly sulking away, and searched for Mason. I saw him back on his own two feet, talking with the rest of the players excitedly. The coach, a giant smile on his face--more emotion than I think anyone's ever seen on his face--called the team into the locker rooms, slapping each guy on their back as they passed him.

Slowly, ever so slowly, the crowd disappeared, chatting excitedly about the "epic" game.

The next day, everyone was still talking about the big game. A photographer was even selling professional photos, prices depending on how big the picture was. As a joke, Ann got me that wallet sized one...

Oh how I hate her so much.

I stared at the picture for a bit longer and sighed, exasperated. He annoyed me so much, with his cocky attitude, his "perfect" body, those beautiful green eyes...

I shook my head. No, no, no, no, NO Try italics instead of all caps. He was annoying. Not "beautiful". Psh, whatever. Irritated, I shook my head and stalked away from my desk. He did not have beautiful eyes.

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

"Wednesdayyyyyyy... don't be mad at me... I only got you that picture as a joke! Come on... don't be mad? Please?" Ann begged, following me into the school. I had picked her up and given her the silent treatment the whole way. I was probably going overboard, but, you know... Teenage girls just need any excuse to act mean toward their friends, even if it was irrational.

I rolled my eyes. "Fine. I'm not mad," I gave in. "But only because you're so annoying."

"Because you loooove me," she sang, doing a small dance.

Ann was the girl every female wanted to be. She had black long hair that went down to mid-back with strands of purple, pink, green, red, orange and about every other neon color out there known to man. She had her own sense of style. She could pull off wearing any combination of clothes and look absolutely amazing in them. She says you just have to be confident in your looks and you'll look great in anything. I say it’s because she's beautiful. Everything is in past tense and then suddenly you have this in present – doesn’t really fit. I’d say change it.

She always has a belt on, no matter what type of pants she's wearing, and it’s always a fun one. One is white and has turtles on it. Another has rubber ducks. And one is full of quotes from the Joker. She also always has a camera on her. You have to be sharp, because Ann loves taking pictures at the most embarrassing time and then posting them up on Facebook or some other place where the whole world will be able to see them. Same thing.

I gave a small smile and rolled my eyes.

"Smile!" She cried and a bright light went off. She looked at the screen eagerly and laughed in delight.

"Ahh, this is awesome! It’s so going on Facebook!"

I stole a look at the screen, blinking my eyes rapidly, trying to get the flash out of my eyes. There I was, looking drunk on the camera, my eyes at weird angles. "No, Ann! Do not post that one! Please!"

Ann grinned evilly. "Sorry. You know The Rules."

The Rules: Once a picture gets taken, it goes up, no matter what.

"Ann, please?" I pleaded.

"Nope, sorry."

I sighed, as if giving up, and then lunged for the camera suddenly, catching Ann completely by surprise. She shrieked and nearly dropped it, keeping a hold of it the last minute. She looked at me, her eyes wide. "You would've been dead if you had broken my camera."

"But I didn't, so all's well," I smiled, still irked that she had the camera.

"Hey, now, let’s all be fair," someone said.

Ann protested violently as Mason, of all people, came up behind her and took her camera from her. He held it up high so Ann couldn't jump to get it (Mason was about six foot, Ann being at a small five foot one) as he looked at the picture, and laughed loud when he came upon mine. "Man, Wednesday, you look so drunk!"

I gritted my teeth, ignoring the feeling of hate inside my chest. "Yes, I know, Mason. That would be why I was just trying to steal it from her, so I could delete the stupid thing."

Mason rolled his eyes. "Why does it bother you that much, Red?"

I clenched my jaw tight. "Do not call me that."

"Why not? It’s the color of your hair, so we may as well give you a nickname that fits. And it has to be shorter than that looooooong name of yours," he smirked. "I think Red works perfectly. Don't you?" He asked to a random kid passing us in the hallway. The kid nodded. "See? Even he agrees."

"That doesn't count," I growled. "He had no idea what we're talking about."

"Still. He agreed. It counts."

"Uhh, no, sorry. It doesn't."

"It does."

"Not."

"So."

"Not! Come on, Mason! Give me the camera so I can delete that stupid picture!"

"Okay, okay, here, I'll delete it for you." He looked up at the camera again, went through the many pictures, found the one of me, and deleted it. "There. Happy?"

I glared at him, pursing my lips and stalked away angrily. Oh, how he got on my nerves! How could anyone stand such a being like him!? It’s like he was created for the sole purpose of annoying me! What in the world did I do to deserve such horrible torture!?

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

"So, Wednesday, are you coming to the game tonight, then?"

"What? Game? But the championships were last night... why would we be having another game?" I asked, confused.

Ann rolled her eyes. "In a school full of gossips, only you would not know, Wednesday, only you. It’s only been the top gossip. We're playing against our sister school for one last 'fun' game before the season ends." She made air quotes around the word fun.

"Ahh." No, don't make me go. Please don't make me go... "You're going to drag me along, aren't you, even if I say no."

She nodded.

I sighed. "Alright, fine. I'll go."

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

School was out; finally out for the weekend. Kids streamed out of the classrooms and into the hallways, going to their lockers and heading out for the buses. Everyone was chatting excitedly to one another about what they were doing over the weekend and mainly the big game later.

"Hey! Red! C'mere a minute, would you?"

The hallway was now nearly empty, just a few strolling up and down the hall, so I heard Mason's voice and that horrible nickname very clearly. I kept walking, pretending I didn't hear.

"Red! Come on, no one's around! I know you can hear me!"

I kept walking, when suddenly an arm wrapped around my shoulders and one hundred and sixty pounds were dropped on me. I would have collapsed had it not been for Mason keeping me upright.

"Get off me!" I growled, trying to shrug out from under him.

"Come on, Red! Calm down... live a little."

"I do live, thank you very much. I'd just love to live my life without you in it."

Mason stopped walking suddenly, making me halt, too. He lowered his head so his mouth was at my ear and whispered, "You don't mean that, do you?"

I blinked, surprised by his sudden change in attitude. That wasn't like him... usually he'd be his usual happy-go-lucky self and brush it off, as if I hadn't said anything more than my usual "go away, you're annoying" thing. But... he genuinely sounded hurt at this... "W-what?"

"You don't really mean that you don't want me in your life, do you?" He stood up straight and slowly pressed my back against the lockers. Looking me straight in the eyes, he asked again. "You don't want me in your life?"

I furrowed my brow. "No... That’s not it. I do, it’s just--"

"Good," he interrupted, lying his forehead on mine. "Because... I don't think I could live without you."

I blinked once again in surprise. Wait... what? Mason... the jock soccer player who annoyed the living hell out of me on purpose, couldn't live without me? But... what did that mean? That he l--

And he kissed me. His warm lips full on mine, making me gasp in surprise. I tried to pull away, but couldn't because of the lockers. He leaned in deeper, kissing me and my heart throbbed. It throbbed for the man I had always loved, but covered it with hate. Fireworks went off behind my now closed eyes and I wrapped my arms around Mason's neck, bringing him in closer.

Soon, we had to come up for air, much to both of our displeasure.

He was such an amazing kisser... where had he learned it?

He grinned at me. "I knew you'd come around, Red. I've liked you since the third grade, you know that?"

Third grade? But... that was when he moved here! So... he's liked me all this time! And I thought he was just an annoying little pest, not worth my time.

No, said a little voice inside my head. You thought that's what he was... you just didn't want to admit that you were in love with someone at such a young age.

"Third grade, huh?"

He nodded. "Third grade. Are you coming to the game?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, Ann's going to drag me to it."

"She knew, you know."

"Knew what?"

"That... that I've liked you for a long time now." His face turned a bit red.

I laughed. "Somehow that doesn't surprise me..."

"She also knew I was going to do this."

"What? Ambush me after school?"

He shook his head, his brown hair falling a bit in front of his eyes. He kissed me one more time softly on the lips and asked, "Will you go out with me?"

I grinned up at him. "I don't know. Will there be enough room in the stadium for all of us?"

He cocked his head. "All of us?"

"You, me and your ego."

He laughed, grabbed me around the waist and brought me close to him and we walked out of the school. "I think so," he said, "though it may end up being a tight fit."

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

Love.

Completely indescribable to someone who's never had it.

It can be disguised as anything. Obsession, hate, loathing... you name it.

The one thing that all people agree on, however?

It is absolutely the best feeling one can ever have.

Wow. This is really greattt... Wednesday is such a real character, as is Mason - even Ann. I just found myself scrolling down through word until I arrived at the final page, and I just couldn't help but asking "wait? that's it?". Your words flow smoothly, and all in all I think this is just really, really great.
Were you to want to improve, you could add description, but of the surroundings; characters I think you did a good job.

»Sam.

Love.

The one feeling everyone in the world wants to witness for themselves at least once in their lifetime.

This could be condensed into 1 paragraph. Otherwise, you're confusing the reader.

They want the true love, though; not fake.

Give us a better idea of what "fake" love is, because this sentence is pretty darn obvious.

I wanted it out of my head. It needed to get out. I hated that picture with a burning passion.

We get it.

"Urgh!" I held my head in my hands and gritted my teeth, pulling at my hair. "Leave. My. Head!" I commanded, "Go away!" I collapsed backward onto my bed, groaning. Why wouldn't he leave me alone? He was bad enough when I had to see him; had to talk to him. I couldn't get peace from him even when I was at home! And my house was my escape from him!

By this time, I'm feeling a bit annoyed that you're keeping this guy a secret, but you're making it so obvious. Play it DOWN a little bit. Hopefully this gal isn't thinking about him 24/7, please.

He annoyed me so much, with his cocky attitude, his "perfect" body, those beautiful green eyes...

Of course he annoys you, he's practically a god. Does he have any flaws that make him "perfect"? A crooked nose, freckles, maybe a front tooth a bit too big?

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

No need for these little things. Just a couple of * * * in the center, and you're fine.

"Wednesdayyyyyyy... don't be mad at me... I only got you that picture as a joke! Come on... don't be mad? Please?"

Too many ellipses' (the dot-dot-dots).

She could pull off wearing any combination of clothes and look absolutely amazing in them.

This woman's too perfect.

She said all you have to do is to just be confident in yourself and you'd look good in anything. I said it’s because she's beautiful--pure fact.

Sounds better if it's "She says... in anything. I say it's because..."

"Why not? It’s the color of your hair, so we may as well give you a nickname that fits.

For some reason, this guy doesn't talk like a guy to me. He seems like the kind of guy that likes the short and sweet, even when he's flirting. It seems like he's spouting words that the main character would say.

Oh, how he got on my nerves! How could anyone stand such a being like him!? It’s like he was created for the sole purpose of annoying me! What in the world did I do to deserve such horrible torture!?

The whole paragraph ends with almost all exclamation marks. Plus, the little !? thing should only be used in rare incidences of extreme provocation, and only once in an entire story. Choose wisely.

"Ahh." No, don't make me go. Please don't make me go... "You're going to drag me along, aren't

you, even if I say no."

Let us join these two separated pieces of a sentence in holy matrimony. For ever and ever.

"Alright, fine. I'll go."

"Alright" is not grammatically correct. It should be "All right".

"I do live, thank you very much. I'd just love to live my life without you in it."

The delivery kind of ruins the wittiness. Maybe reword it a little, like "I'd live a little better without you" or something like that. Short 'n sweet is what makes the comeback a good comeback.

But... he genuinely sounded hurt at this... "W-what?"

No need for any of the two ellipses. Just "But he genuinely...at this. "W-what?"[/quote]

"Good," he interrupted, lying his forehead on mine. "Because... I don't think I could live without you."

Considering the fact that he acts so shocked/shy about her comeback, maybe he should be a little hesitant while he's saying this very bold line. Expression! Tell the reader what he looks like as he's saying this, how he's saying it!

He laughed, grabbed me around the waist and brought me close to him and we walked out of the

school. "I think so," he said, "though it may end up being a tight fit."

Here's another couple that needs to belong together (as in, the two pieces of the sentence).

The one thing that all people agree on, however?

It is absolutely the best feeling one can ever have.

Because you begin/end the story with a few thoughts about love, this last one seems to contradict what you said at the beginning, about love being a "wonderful, horrible thing". That beginning thought created a sense of foreshadowing/foreboding for me that never occurred. I like the happy-thoughts and butterflies in all this, but try to make it relate to the beginning, or rewrite the beginning.

Overall, I think you need to round out Wed. a bit more, and give us a bit more sense of what Mason and Wed.'s best friend are like. Also, you're just skipping through a couple of scenes, and BAM! the story is over. You need to show development between Wed. and Mason, because all I remember is Banter in the Hallway, then Sports Game Will You Go Out With Me?, and there's no transition in between them whatsoever. You haven't shown the reader how Mason and Wed. have grown together, because those two basic scenes are the only glimpses you've given us of them.

This is okay. I think you just need to put your own touch on this story and make it unique, hone your voice. It has the undertones of a chick-flick kind of story, which makes it not so serious when your characters are trying to be serious, so work on that. Work on the story altogether, plot out some scenes that are pivotal to Wed. and Mason's relationship. Her best friend isn't really necessary in this story, unless you're going to give her a bigger role somehow.

On character: tell us a bit more about Mason and, uh, Photographer Girl rather than their surface appearance. Give them a bit more depth, let them control you in what THEY do, not what you would do in their shoes. They should be totally themselves. Give us a bit more details on them. Actually, a lot more details.

Also, just a note: when you say you've spent only 45 minutes on this with no editing, and add that a couple friends liked it, these details are really unnecessary and a bit amateurish-sounding, like you need an excuse to fall back on if someone doesn't like your writing. You also may risk offending some reviewers in that you're counting on others to edit your writing, not yourself, and you don't bother spending time on this story, to craft it over time. Therefore, they may get the mentality to not take you or your story seriously. And I say "may" because not everyone may feel like this.

Don't forget to get rid of

~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~~.x.~

those.

Any questions, just reply/PM me.

--Serena.