Sun

I sat on the edge of the river, remembering how it felt to sit in the sun, how it felt to feel the cool water after the long, hot day. I miss that the most, the sun, I didn't mind that I lost all my 'friends,' or that my life ended and started again. I don't mind that I have the sudden urge to kill others... All I miss is the sun, the way it felt, the way it warmed my body, the way it seemed to attract everyone outside, the way everyone planned pool parties and barbecues around them. I really just miss it.
That's when I saw him. He was the only one that was in human form instead of wolf. Something about him, it may have been that he looked at me too, or just how his body had mucles sculpted everywhere, or how he had brown hair that feel into his eyes, seemed to pull me towards him. I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted to know how he got dragged into this terrible rivalry, how he feels about it, how long he had been here, how often he misses his old life, everything.
I knew he probably hated me just by my sight, just by looking at me and seeing that I was a vampire. It was that simple.
That ended every thought I had, or it should of. It's was just impossible. He was a freaking werewolf, I was suppose to hate him!
How could I though?
It was his smile, that's what pulled me towards him. It shined even through the darkness of the night. It was like the sun I missed so much. I started to step into the water, to swim across, and meet him.
"Careful, Cami," Aballa, my favorite of my new 'family', said calmly, coming through the trees. "He looks human, but he's just as dangerous as we are."
"I know... I just, um... I just wanted to get my feet wet..." I tried to lie.
"Cami, let's just go back to the house, we don't want to start anything." I knew she was right, so I followed Aballa to the house.
Aballa had a face of an angle, as any six year old would have, but in reality almost a hundred years old. She had short brown hair, blazing blue eyes and skin that was pale white. She moved through the trees with a graceful ease that I knew would take years for me to accomplish.
I was the newest member to our family, I guess you could call it. It was really more like a college dorm room, full of people who disagree on everything, even eating habits. I've only been a vampire for two monthes, and I'm already wishing to get out of it.
"Cami, please stop being so negative, it's making me angry." says Aballa, flashing her heated blue eyes towards me.
"I'm sorry, I really kind of..." I replie.
"Forgot that I can read minds? Yeah, I know."
"Oh yeah."
" What are you trying to hide, Cami?" Aballa said as though she didn't already know the answer.
"I don't, I can only see what you're thinking at the time."
"Oh, good."
"Cami, tell me now! You know I'll find out soon enough anyways!"
"You really don't want to know," I said, trying to be as convincing as she could be.
"You know why I was chosen to be the pact leader's right hand man? Because I dig for things. I don't give up, ever! Either you tell me now, or I'll find out the hard way, and then I could get you in so much trouble you wouldn't ever be able to leave your coffin," she said the last words with a smile.
"Aballa, do you remember any of your human emotions? Like how it feels to envy what others have?" I asked, carefully placing the right thoughts in my head. Sun, I thought, I miss the sun.
"Really, Cami, that's it! That's really sad. You must still have a lot of your human emotions on the surface. Now, let's hurry up so we don't get caught by the sun."

Hiya there, I have decided to review this little golden nugget of a story here . First off I will go through the whole thing, making [comments/suggestions] and/or edits or extra addings-in, then I will go through the review with you at the end. So, here we go, I really hope this will help you out... (:

bunnie_i_am wrote:I [there are many ways in which you can start off a chapter, but using 'I' really isn't a good one. Why? Because you need to pull your reader in from the first line, and convince them that they should read your story through to the end, and 'I' really doesn't do that. So, use your imagination!! You could just get rid of the 'I', and keep your description that follows on, so you start it off with setting the scene...?] sat on the edge of the river, remembering how it felt to sit in the sun, how it felt to feel the cool water after the long, hot day. I miss that the most, the sun, I didn't mind that I lost all my 'friends,' or that my life ended and started again [I love how you're going straight to the thoughts/emotions of your MC, no messing about - great stuff!! (: ]. I don't mind that I have the sudden urge to kill others... [Ooh, I love how you slip this in so nonchalantly, great job!! (: ] All I miss is the sun, the way it felt, the way it warmed my body, the way it seemed to attract everyone outside, the way everyone planned pool parties and barbecues around them,[replace with a full stop] I really just miss it.
That's when I saw him. He was the only one that was in human form instead of wolf [I feel like there needs to be some extra added detail onto the end of that, like some kind of description, or explanation... What do you think?]. Something about him, it may have been that he looked at me too, or just his body [elaborate - what's so great about his body , add in some descriptions to create an image of him and what it is about his body that your MC likes. This will also be an opportune moment to add in a character description of the boy (: ], seemed to want to pull me towards him. I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted to know how he got dragged into this terrible rivalry, how he feels about it, how long he had been here, how often he misses his old life, everything. [Why? This seems to be going a little too fast for my liking. Slow it down a little, and add in some more explanations here and there, as it's all a little too vague at the moment]
I knew he probably hated me just by my sight, just by looking at me and seeing that I was a vampire. It was that simple.
That ended every thought I had, or it should of. It's just was [reconstruct to: It was just] impossible. He was a freaking werewolf, I was suppose to hate him!
[NP>>]How could I though? [I think it works as a line on its own - what do you think?]
It was his smile, that's what pulled me towards him. It was bright, even though it was pitch black outside. [That sounds slightly awkward, so try and rephrase it a little. Maybe do a bit more showing than telling..?] It was like the sun I missed so much [I love this line - the simple connection made, it's lovely!! (: ]. I started to step into the water, to swim across, and meet him.
"Careful[comma] Cami," Aballa [first time we've met this person, so we want to know a little about her - just her relation to the MC will be enough (: ] said calmly, coming through the trees. "He looks human, but he's just as dangerous as we are."
"I know... I just, um... I just wanted to get my feet wet..." I tried to lie.
"Cami, let's just go back to the house, we don't want to start anything." I knew she was right, so I [s]through [/s] threw the apple in the river [I didn't even know she was holding an apple!! Either mention this earlier or nix it, as it sounds slightly random], and followed Aballa to the house.
Aballa appeared as six or seven [how? Show rather than tell], but was actually almost a hundred years old. She had short brown hair, blazing blue eyes,[delete comma] and [s]of course[/s],[delete comma] skin that was pale white. She moved through the trees with a graceful ease that I knew would take years for me to accomplish.
I was the newest member to our 'clan' [who is included in the 'our'? Elaborate a little, and add a comma here] I guess you could call it. It was really more like a college dorm room, full of people who disagree on everything, even eating habits. It's quite insane, and I really hate it! [This line sounds slightly childish, especially with the addition of the exclamation mark - try and make it sound a little more mature, maybe? (: ]
"Cami, please stop being so negative, it's making me angry."[says____, flashing her heated azure blue eyes to gaze at me reproachfully - or something along those lines. Something more needs to be added her, same with the next line as well]
"I'm sorry, I really kind of..." [replies ___]
"Forgot that I can read minds? Yeah, I know."
"Oh yeah."
" What are you trying to hide, Cami?" Aballa said as though she didn't already know the answer.
"I don't, I can only see what you're thinking at the time."
"Oh, good."
"Cami, tell me now! You know I'll find out soon enough anyways!"
"You really don't want to know," I said, trying to be as [s]convencing[/s] convincing as she could be.
"You know why I was chosen to be the pact leader's right hand man? Because I dig for things. I don't give up, ever! Either you [s]can[/s] tell me now, or I'll find out the hard way, and then I could get you in so much trouble you wouldn't ever be able to leave your coughin [I've just looked up that word on the dictionary to find out its meaning, and it doesn't exist, so what do you mean by it?]," she said the last words with a smile.
"Aballa, do you remember any of your human emotions? Like how it feels to envy what others have?" I asked, carefully placeing [remove the 'e'] the right thoughts in my head. Sun, I thought, I miss the sun. [<< Thoughts in italics]
" Really [comma] Cami, that's it! That's really sad. You must still have a lot of your human emotions on the surface. Now, let's hurry up so we don't get caught by the sun."

Last Minute Views
Cami & Abella
What is their relationship like? I got no sense of what their (I'm assuming is) friendship with one another is like. You need to add more references to their experiences, etc to make it seem more lifelike.

Descriptions
This is where you fall down slightly - you need to do more showing and less telling, and add in more descriptions. You also need to slow down the pace of this chapter a little, and adding in more descriptions will do that. (:

The Boy
The scene with the boy, who is also a wolf (?), needs to be made a little longer and explained more as well, but obviously you want to keep some of your vagueness so the reader will be intrigued to find out more, and then will read on . You can make that a little longer with (you've guessed it ) some more descriptions, and also a little more thoughts and feelings of your MC towards the boy.

Cami's background
I thought that your MC's background needed to be explained a little more, like how long she's been a vampire, and who the 'clan' that she lives with are. You obviously (like with the boy scenario) don't want to give everything away at first breath, but I think more needs to be added in here. This will also help to slow the pace of this chapter somewhat as well (:

Plot
The plot - I'm gathering - is that your MC is in love with a werewolf. This is most certainly a unique twist into a vampire love story, and something that I instantly want to know how it came about, how it will end, is her love requited, and so many more questions are popping into my head - which is great!! You've certainly grabbed my interest.

Overall Thoughts
This was really good, and I really enjoyed reading it, but with a little extra work it can be made even better!! However, one thing I will point out to you is that you must make sure that this story does stay unique to you. With the ever extending vampire stories out there, I know it's hard to keep your story unique from the rest (I'm writing one at the moment as well, and it really is hard!! =P) and stop from using cliches and whatever else vampire-story-writers get accused of doing, haha =P . Just a little pointer for you - I'm not saying that that's what you're doing at the moment, because you're not, I just thought I'd just point that little piece of information out to you .
I really hope this helped you out, and if you have any questions, or anything at all please don't hesitate to PM me as I'll be more than happy to help you out!! (:

Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx

Hi there!

Lucyy gave a very detailed review, so mine might be a smidge short.

I miss that the most; the sun. I didn't mind that I lost all my 'friends,' or that my life ended and started again.

"Cami, let's just go back to the house. We don't want to start anything." I knew she was right, so I threw [s]through[/s] the apple in the river, and followed Aballa to the house.

(Don't worry; I have the same problem, but I put threw instead of through when I write xD)

Over all.

I liked your opening; the way Cami was reminiscing on her past and how much she loved the sun. But this was a pretty short story, so I didn't get a lot out of it. Continue writing, as I'm sure the rest of the story will be interesting.

Ta ta!

Heya! I really enjoyed reading your work, though it's a little bit short and I was left with unanswered inquisitions - as if mysteries . I hope you'll work these out - just continue writing.

So now, let's get Critiqual (what a word? hehe).

Firstly, the introduction was great - there were insights and other things which suited the first-person point-of-view. What I noticed at the beginning though, was the wrong Verb tense. You started with the past ones, so go on. For instance, miss must be missed (though it sounded really past, very over, or as if an old emotion, you must stick with it).

Secondly, I liked your descriptions, very clarified though some fell short. Just never fused them together in just one sentence or a paragraph. Try to stretch out.

Thirdly, you did well on punctuations. But next time, try to use other punctuations such as dashes or semi colons, rather than commas and periods.

Others were quoted:

I sat on the edge of the river, remembering how it felt to sit in the sun, how it felt to feel the cool water after the long, hot day. I miss that the most, the sun, I didn't mind that I lost all my 'friends,' or that my life ended and started again.

Basically, you can't sit IN THE SUN - your butt's gonna melt - but you can sit UNDER THE SUN. Although you can also use that term, for example, "have fun in the sun", it just won't work out with "sit". (I guess you understand what I meant.) Next, try to use other words rather than feel 'cause "felt to feel" was a little redundant. Try "how it felt to FONDLE the cool water..." - lovely.

Then, the punctuations and divisions. It would be better if you written it as "I sat on the edge of the river, remembering how it felt to sit UNDER the sun; how it felt to FONDLE the cool water after the long, hot day. ( use semi colon) I missed that the most - the sun - and I didn't mind IF I lost all my 'friends' or IF my life ended OR started again."(use em dash - the sun-)

Something about him, it may have been that he looked at me too, or just how his body had mucles sculpted everywhere, or how he had brown hair that feel into his eyes, seemed to pull me towards him.

First, try to use em dash, again, to divide the thoughts accordingly, "Something about him - it COULD (to express past) have been THE MERE FACT (or any words, so that "that" can have something to modify) that he looked at me too, or just how his body had MUSCLES (you mispelled it) sculpted (I liked the word) everywhere, or how he had brown eyes that feel into his eyes (huh? don't think I got what you meant by that) - seemed to pull me TOWARD (remove S to reduce wordiness, could be better) him.

Em dashes often demarcates a parenthetical thought—like this one—or some similar interpolation. So from now on, try to use it. I will not anymore point out the sentences that must be written with em dashes. Find them for yourself - a challenge.

I started to step into the water, to swim across, and meet him.

There's nothing wrong 'bout this one. Just never let your characters began to do something, just let them do it. For instance, "I stepped into the water, starting to swim across to meet him." could be better.

"Careful, Cami," Aballa, my favorite of my new 'family', said calmly, coming through the trees. "He looks human, but he's just as dangerous as we are."

Primarily, you can't come THROUGH THE TREES, unless you have an extraordinarily ability or your a ghost, a phantasm (just read my novel, PHANTASM, hehe). "Coming out of the trees" or "Coming past the trees" could be better.

Next, why won't you rephrase it with " Aballa, my MOST favorite LAD (or sibling or vampire or foe or friend, whatever you like, just have "favorite" something to pertain) AMONG my new 'family' MEMBERS...

I also liked the way you stated this one, you broke the dialogue. (I guess you know what I meant. If you don't, just look on what you've done - inserting something between the first dialogue "Careful, Cami," and the next one "He looks human...". I just hoped you continued to do this one. For instance:
"'I know...I just, um...' I muttered, trying to lie, 'I just wanted to get my feet wet'" could be better or,
"'Cami,' Aballa said, convincing, 'let's just go back to the house. We don't want to start anything.'" could have been also better.

Again, remember to break the dialogues to add spice to your work. That's what professionals usually do.

"You really don't want to know," I said, trying to be as convincing as she could be.

There isn't anything wrong 'bout this one, though I suggest that you rephrase it. "You really need not know" or "You really don't need to know" could be better because Aballa, absolutely, wanted to know it. I guess you knew your characters very well..




ON THE TOTALITY:
Great job! I hope you'll continue this.
Final pointer, try to work out your imagination. It could be better, again... I hope this won't sound too offensive, but as if you just adapted twilight. BUT, there's a big BUT, with the power of your imagination and the uniqueness of your storyline, you could create something worth more appreciating than Twilight.

Good luck!

And oh, by the way, try to read and critique my work, Phantasm... It would be too much appreciated.

Thanks!

I my goodness!!!!!!! Bunnie this was so amazing, I like Anabel. I like how you say that Cami misses the sun, and how that even thou she gets the need to kill, she doesn't mind it to much. I think that this is a really good story and I hope you continue.

It's ninja time (this story is to good I can't resit it.)