Saved (part 5)

Saved (part 5)
It’s finally up. Sorry it took me so long to post this. (:

“Ian, what took you so long,” Jake asked, grinning from the inside of the car. “You’ll never believe who I just saw.”
“Breanne?” I questioned, hopefully. I needed to talk to her. I had been so stupid. Why had I called her Kali? Wasn’t it bad enough that I kissed her? I always had to make things worse. Always.
“Breanne? No. Well, I saw her shoot out of the gym door like a bat out of hell just a moment ago, but that’s who I’m talking about,” Jake replied, uncaring. If he had really been paying attention, he would have seen the way my face crumpled. Or maybe even the helpless look I knew my features had been rearranged in. He would have asked why it was Breanne’s name I guessed. I sighed. He never cared about that kind of thing. I guess that’s why I liked Kali better than him. She cared about me, he didn’t.
“Well, who did you see then?”
“None other than Diana herself,” Jake said, smiling. He said her name like it was the name of a goddess. I sighed. I really didn’t feel like this today.
“Great,” I responded, sarcastically.
“I know right,” Jake replied once again completely unaware of how I was really feeling. “Dude, she was smoking hot. Anyway, she came over here and asked me to park next to her tomorrow. I think she might be hitting on me.”
God I hope not, I thought, grimacing. That would be unbearable. I have to hear him drone on about her every day, I can only imagine how bad it’ll be if she actually likes him. Then I would have to put up with the both of them.
“That’s cool,” I lied. He looked me over suspiciously. It seems he finally caught on that I wasn’t in the best mood.
“What’s up?” He asked, narrowing his eyes. I looked at him sideways as he pulled out of the school parking lot. The old brick building started to fade. “You don’t seem to care about me and Diana too much. So what’s up?”
“Don’t worry so much,” I replied, giving a cheesy, fake smile. “I’m-I know you’ll go great together.” Jake’s eyebrow’s knit together and I knew he wasn’t falling for my charade anymore. Then suddenly, he smiled wryly and gave a crooked smile.
“I know what it is,” he said. I rolled my eyes. I might as well here his theories. He remained quiet. I sighed. He was waiting for me to ask. He must want to add to the drama. I almost laughed.
“For the love of God Jake, just spit it out,” I responded. He looked at me quickly and back at the road.
“You’re jealous.” I spluttered and couldn’t help but laugh out loud.
“Seriously?” I questioned. “You think I’m jealous of you and Diana?” Jake nodded. He really meant it. I couldn’t believe it.
“It’s alright dude. I mean, I don’t blame you. She always looks hot, who wouldn’t be jealous.” I stared at him again. There was no hint of those little laugh lines around his eyes. He was serious.
Jake pulled into my driveway and I got out of his car. I didn’t know if I should laugh or just be upset with him. It wasn’t his fault he was completely unobservant and uncaring.
“Bye Jake,” I said, getting out of his car. I slammed the door and retreated into my house. I stood by the entrance and listened to the thunderous engine grow fainter.
“Mom?” I called. My voice echoed. I knew she was here. I poked my head around corner and into the kitchen, but it was empty except for an empty, shattered Vodka bottle and little drops of blood littering the tiled floors. My heart pounded.
“Mom!” I yelled. Upstairs I heard a muffled sob. I ran, taking the steps two at a time.
“Mom! Mom, it’s me. Are you okay?” I asked. My voice echoed in the too-quiet house. I was answered by a chorus of moans from the closed door down the hall.
I sprinted to her room and rattled the doorknob. Locked. I should have known. I pounded my fist against the wood. I heard a crash and a thump. The sound of a body hitting the ground.
I backed away and ran, throwing my shoulder into the door. The wood creaked and was thrown open. I ignored the shooting pain in my arm and looked for my mother.
Empty bottles were strewn across the room. My mom was lying on the ground with her face in her hands and her knees tucked to her chest.
“Go away Ian,” she said in a shaky voice. I fell beside her.
“Mom,” I croaked, pulling her hands away from her face. I gasped and jumped back. She looked away. Her right eye was black and purple. Her cheek was swollen and red, with an angry handprint across her face. Blood was trickling from her busted lip and nose. I grabbed her and pulled her to me.
“It’s not what you think,” she said, quietly. I didn’t let her move. I rubbed my hand up and down her back, comforting her.
“Tell me what it is then,” I said. I already knew it was her so called boyfriend. There was no doubt about it, just as there was no doubt about the fact that I was going to kick his ass for doing this to her.
“Jim and I were both drinking. I had way too much and he told me to stop. I was being a little bitch. He slapped me and I hit him back. I basically asked for it,” she responded. Despite my best efforts I let a tear trickle down my cheek. So was that what Jim was telling her now.
“Mom, no one deserves this. You have to know that,” I responded, practically begging her to see clearly, past the alcohol and Jim’s lies. She pulled away.
“Honey, I really do. We’ll talk about this later. I’m alright, okay. I need to get cleaned up,” my mom said, smiling sadly. It was the same smile that she used when she thought that I didn’t understand something.
“But mom-“
“Ian I said I’m fine. Now let me clean this place up a little. It’ll be hard to hide my black eye. I guess I could say that Jim and I went to the batting cages,” she mused, pushing me out of her room. She closed the door in my face.
I stormed to my room. That was it. Jim could be a jerk, but no one laid their hands on my mom. He was messing with the wrong kid. I grabbed the cold, metal baseball bat from the corner of my room. I dusted it off and took a practice swing. I was a little rusty, but I think I could do some damage.
“I’ll be home soon!” I called to my mom. She didn’t answer. I suspect she was going to drink until she passed out. I slammed the door behind me. I smiled and hopped on my bike. I wouldn’t want to be late for my little date with Jim now would I?

Hello! I thought this was a great part, I loved the cliffhanger ending and you really involved the reader in the whole emotion of the piece

“Ian, what took you so long,” Jake asked, grinning from the inside of the car.

I'd change the comma on the end of 'long' to a question mark as it's a question 'grinning from the inside of the car' sounded kind of odd to me, I can see that you are letting the reader know that they are inside the car but I think it could be phrased a bit differently. Maybe something like 'Jake asked, grinning at me inside the car.'

, but that’s who I’m talking about,”

I think you mean 'that's not who I'm talking about'.

Or maybe even the helpless look I knew my features had been rearranged in.

You have said his face crumples so I would think that would kind of cover his expression, maybe you could change this part to a description of another part of him? Like he is shaking or gulping or trying to restrain tears?

He never cared about that kind of thing. I guess that’s why I liked Kali better than him. She cared about me, he didn’t.

I'd change one of the 'cared' and I'm not sure 'about that kind of thing', it's more about how Jake feels towards Ian than about why he mentioned a name, so maybe something like 'He never worried about how I was feeling' or something like that.

He said her name like it was the name of a goddess. I sighed.

I think you could rearrange the first sentence a bit as it comes across a bit awkwardly. For instance 'He spoke her name as if she were divinity.' You have had him sighing quite recently so I'd maybe change this action to something else Maybe he could take a deep breath instead or close his eyes for a moment?

I have to hear him drone on about her every day, I can only imagine how bad it’ll be if she actually likes him. Then I would have to put up with the both of them.

I don't know if from what I have heard Diana would drone on about Jake to Ian, do you mean that they would become a couple and be all soppy together or something like that? I'd maybe change the sentence a bit to make what you are saying a bit clearer.

It seems he finally caught on that I wasn’t in the best mood.

I'd maybe add 'had' before 'finally caught on'.

The old brick building started to fade.

I'm not sure if 'fade' is the best word to use here, maybe something about it dwindling into the distance or becoming more and more distant would be more appropriate as that is what would be happening

I might as well here his theories. He remained quiet. I sighed

I think 'here' should be 'hear' and as it is just one theory I'd probably change 'theories' to 'theory'. You say he sighed again here and if you have changed the one between the first and this one then I think it will be fine but if not I would change it as here it would be him repeating the same action three times in quite a short period.

He really meant it. I couldn’t believe it.

I'd maybe change the second 'it' to 'him', just so you are not repeating it

There was no hint of those little laugh lines around his eyes. He was serious.

I like how you are mentioning the laughter lines but I think it could be phrased a bit better, I don't think you have mentioned them before (sorry if you have) so maybe something about commenting that he usually had laughter lines would be better. For instance 'There was no hint of the little laughter lines that so often appeared around his eyes. He was serious.'

I didn’t know if I should laugh or just be upset with him.

I'm not sure about 'be upset with him', I think it might be a better effect to say something like 'I didn't know if I should laugh or scream.'

I got out of his car.

I said, getting out of his car

You have said already that he gets out of the car but then you are saying that he is getting out of it. Maybe the first one could be changed to something about an awkward silence or about one of their expressions or even just leave it out.

I knew she was here.

How? Is her car outside the house or is she usually in at this time? Or does he just have an instinct that she is there? I'd mention a bit more to explain why he thought this.

I poked my head around corner and into the kitchen, but it was empty except for an empty, shattered Vodka bottle and little drops of blood littering the tiled floors.

I'd add 'the' before 'corner' and change one of the 'empty' so you are not repeating them so close to one another. Maybe you don't really need the second empty as the bottle is shattered so it would kind of be assumed that there would be no drink in it? I'm not sure about saying the drops of blood littered the floor, it seems to me to be the wrong sort of description. Something about being flecked across the tiled floors or dotting the tiles or something like that might work better.

Upstairs I heard a muffled sob.

I'd maybe add 'from' before 'upstairs' as otherwise it could mean that he is already upstairs.

My voice echoed in the too-quiet house. I was answered by a chorus of moans from the closed door down the hall.

I'm not sure about 'chorus' as it kind of brings more than one voice to mind but it is just his mother. Maybe something about one long drawn out moan would be better? I'd add 'behind' before 'the closed door' and maybe add something in about the silence being broken as you jump from it being too quiet to his mum moaning. Perhaps something like 'The silence was broken by' could replace 'I was answered by'?

I backed away and ran, throwing my shoulder into the door.

Maybe 'charged' or something like that would be better than 'ran' as you have used it quite recently. It also better describes the action

her knees tucked to her chest.

I think 'to' might be better as 'into' or 'up to'.

I fell beside her.

I'm not sure about 'fell' as it sounds more of an accidental movement when this is purposeful, maybe 'sunk down beside her' or something like that would work well.

I gasped and jumped back.

Isn't he lying down? This kind of makes it seem like he is on his feet, perhaps something about recoiling would fit better with his position.

she mused, pushing me out of her room. She closed the door in my face.

You haven't mentioned about them standing up so I'd add in a sentence or two to show them getting to their feet.

I was a little rusty, but I think I could do some damage.

I think 'think' should be 'thought' as you are in past tense, I noticed you switched tenses a couple of times in this piece but I'll leave it up to you to pick out

I suspect she was going to drink until she passed out. I slammed the door behind me. I smiled and hopped on my bike.

I'd say something about him running down the stairs or out of his room at least as as far as I knew he was still in his room and when he slams the door it is his bedroom door.

Overall: Like I said, I thought this was a great piece. I'm really pleased you posted the next part You described his mum brilliantly and I felt very involved in all that was happening, good work!

In general I think there isn't much that could be improved but the scene with his mum does change kind of quickly from her being the victim to suddenly being able to stand up and push him out of her room. Before she fell to the floor and was moaning- it just seemed kind of odd that suddenly she was acting all OK again. Perhaps you could make that part a bit less of an abrupt change, so she could still be in pain and it is obvious to Ian but is trying to cover it? For instance she could struggle to her feet and wince and stumble a bit when she walks or her voice is still unsteady.

I think you did amazingly in imagery, the only thing that I think could be added to would be more on their voices and the atmosphere in the car between Jake and Ian when they are talking. You do well in showing their expressions, just a bit more on how they sound might be nice

I think you did switch tenses a few times but I'm sure you would be able to spot where if you scanned back through your writing so I'll leave it up to you I can't wait for the next part! All my comments are just suggestions, hope I've helped!