Kiss of Fate - Chapter One

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Should I finish this rewrite or keep going with the other version?

  • Finish this! 75%
  • Go back to the other one. 25%
  • I can't decide. Both are good. No votes
  • Neither. They both suck! No votes

Total votes: 4

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So... I kind of got bored writing it the old way and everyone was saying that it had a Twilight theme to it, and I REALLY don't want that. So I decided I would rewrite it. And this is what I've got so far: please leave poll votes on it and let me know what you think. Reviews would be nice too. =)

Also, if you want to view the old version, here's the link for it:
topic46983.html

I hope you enjoy reading it, my friends! And please, don't be afraid to totally trash this if you think it's horrible. :wink:

And just to warn you, I like writing long chapters...

____________________________________________________

CHAPTER ONE

Emily:
Ever wondered if maybe some of the things you fantasize about were real? Have you ever wished some of them were real? I’m not talking about your typical fantasies, I’m talking about the fantasies most people have of werewolves, vampires, faeries, witches, (maybe aliens) and things like that—things that most people like to read about.
I used to be one of those kids. I’d always fantasized about vampires, wished they were real, and wished I could be one. The thought of never growing old, getting a disease or a common cold, and never having to eat human food again was always something I longed to feel carefree about. My wish came true. But being a vampire was nothing like I really expected. Not really. For one thing, vampires can’t walk into the sunlight, but I’m doing just that. Vampires aren’t supposed to age but we do. Slowly, but we do. Vampires aren’t even supposed to be able to have kids, but we can have them too. Don’t ask me how it’s possible because I don’t really have an answer to that. I’ve never had someone to tell me. And as for food, yeah; I need that just as much as I do blood. But other than those things, I guess being a vampire is exactly like everyone makes it out to be: the superhuman speed, the sensitive hearing and sight, the fangs, and I guess I already mentioned the need for blood. Oh, and I guess I should say religious relics and things are like poison to us as well. Bullets don’t faze us. No type of weapon does really; except wood. Even then, that has to be to the heart.
We also try really hard to keep our identities a secret. Humans can’t know about us, just like they can’t know about the other supernatural creatures blending in with them. If the humans knew about us, things wouldn’t be the same. Vampires fear hunters would rise. Witches fear they would enter another era like the Salem Witch Trials. ‘Shifters would also have people hunting them down. And everyone would go into hiding and food would become hard to obtain—or so I was told. I admit that it is still very difficult for me, especially since I was still only a year old—in vampire years. To everyone else, I was eighteen.

* * *

It was my junior year and I was ready for the school year to be over—at least until I got to sixth period. I had one teacher that wasn’t like the rest. He was gorgeous. His black hair fit perfectly against his tanned skin and his green eyes were as green as emeralds. All of the girls loved him, and even I admit that I was a little entranced by him. His subject was History, and he taught it just like he’d witnessed it for himself, which I found out later that he actually did.
Halfway into the school year, I was supposed to stay after school for detention since I’d fallen asleep in class was when I found out vampires did exist. I had just rounded the corner and was three doors down from his classroom when I heard a woman’s laughter. It sounded like the principal’s—of course I would know since I was so familiar with visiting her in her office—so I slowed down, placed my backpack on the floor, and walked as quietly as I could to the door so I could watch the two of them.
Sticking my head a little toward the door so I could peer inside, I noticed Mr. Blake’s back was turned towards me. Ms. Katori could have seen me, but she wasn’t paying much attention. The flirtatious smile on her face proved that she was more concerned with the gorgeous—and single—man in front of her. Not that I could really blame her. Lucky lady, I thought enviously.
Somewhere in all of the flirting, I’d begun picturing myself in Ms. Katori’s place and was suddenly snapped out of my fantasy when he took a few steps toward her, closing the space between them. From the view I had, I could see that she had a blank look on her face and wondered what had just happened. Mr. Blake placed one hand around her waist and looked as if he was supporting her and the other tilted her head to the side. I felt my face grow hot as I watched, what I thought at the time, was Mr. Blake giving Ms. Katori a hickey as she moaned. Well… If she ever threatens to send me to ISSP or suspend me, I could always just blackmail her with this, I thought amusingly. But when Mr. Blake lifted his head and dropped Ms. Katori’s body, I knew I wouldn’t be using anything against her. Not when she was that pale. Luckily, she was still breathing, but just barely. The two noticeable puncture wounds had tiny little rivers running down her neck. As the thought really clicked in my head, my heart began to race, but I still didn’t move.
I watched as Mr. Blake searched his desk drawers. For what, I was unsure. All that I really know at that point was my mind was screaming at me to run, but my body wouldn’t actually perform the action. My mind was racing, torn between being scared or intrigued. I couldn’t decide. I really wanted to explore more of what Mr. Blake was. Was he really a vampire? Or was he really one of those wannabe’s that got the fang implants or whatever they were called? I didn’t notice his fangs while he was talking, but then again he didn’t show his teeth very much.
Mr. Blake stopped what he was doing and sniffed the air. Actually sniffed. If my mind had been functioning like it normally was, maybe I would have thought it was cute, but at that moment, I’d begun to get really nervous. What if he knew I was there? Could he read my thoughts? What would happen if he found me?
Finally my body and my brain were on the same page, and I was able to sneak away. I grabbed my things, ran out of the doors and to my car. I drove home like a bat out of hell and didn’t look back.
The next day at school was really a blur. Police were all over the place, asking the students if they’d seen Ms. Katori. Apparently she never made it home that night and they couldn’t find a body. I wondered if Mr. Blake had eaten her and laughed at myself. Vampires didn’t eat people, or at least I didn’t think they did.
“Miss Peterson,” an angelic but authoritative voice said behind me. I was surprised to have really heard him over the loudness of the hallway—mainly students talking about why the cops were at our school and the made-up rumors being spread. And I couldn’t stop the way my heart seemed to skip a beat when he said my name.
I gulped and turned around. “Mr. Blake,” I said nervously.
“Where were you yesterday for detention?” he asked with an annoyed tone. His face was expressionless, but his eyes screamed that he knew.
“Uh. I was…” Even though I knew there was no point in lying, I thought frantically for something. “I was so worried about my homework that I, uh, forgot all about detention.” Stupid, Emily! Stupid!
He narrowed his eyes and my nervousness began to turn into panic. He was close enough to reach out and touch me, and I thought he would have if he wanted to. Yesterday, I would have thought of that as a really great thing, but today it terrified me. And the worst part of it all was that I knew he could smell my fear.
He looked as if he were going to say something to me, but he was interrupted when a cop walked up to him and told him he had to ask him some questions about Ms. Katori’s disappearance since there was only the two of them here yesterday afternoon and he was the last one to see her. They didn’t know I was here… I thought. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. Looking at Mr. Blake’s expression, I think I should say relieved.
“We’ll talk more about further punishment for skipping detention in class, Emily,” he said. The tone of his voice sent chills down my spine. Something told me that we’d be talking about more than punishment for skipping detention.
By sixth period everything had calmed down, but the talk about Ms. Katori’s disappearance didn’t. When we sat down, my best friend Skyler had been rattling off at the tongue about what she thought about it all. I didn’t know exactly what she was saying because I wasn’t paying any attention. For the moment I was calm, but I knew the second Mr. Blake walked into the room all that calmness—even though it was only a little—would leave me in a heartbeat.
The tardy bell rang and a few seconds later Mr. Blake walked through. As soon as the door closed, every student fell forward and their heads hit tables with a loud thunk.
“It has been a while since I’ve had a reason to do that,” he said with an amused tone. “I never realized how much I actually missed it.”
My mouth went dry and I broke out in a cold sweat, but I didn’t dare move or say anything. Something told me that if I did, it would be a very bad thing.
“Let’s cut to the chase,” he said in a menacing tone once he’d reached my desk. “I know you were here yesterday and I know you saw everything that happened.” He placed his hand on my desk and lowered himself until he was face to face with me. “If you tell anyone anything, I’ll make sure the same thing happens to you. Though, I guess it might as well.”
“Why?” I squeaked. I really hated how weak, childish, and very afraid I sounded, but what else was I supposed to do when that was really how I felt?
He chuckled and pulled away. “Dear girl, you just don’t understand. I’m already on the run, having to hide myself amongst pathetic beings as yourself by pretending to be this low-life teacher because I murdered someone of my kind, moving year after year just so they don’t get too close. I can’t risk breaking another law and risk exposure to myself. You just can’t be allowed to live.”
“I-I won’t tell,” I stuttered.
“Whether you’ll tell or not really doesn’t matter.”
“Please, Mr. Blake—“
“Talking isn’t a way to beg, Emily,” he interrupted.
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing would come out. What could I say to him? It wasn’t like he was going to listen.
“Nothing more to say?” he asked, amused.
I stared. I didn’t even dare shake my head.
“You’re not even going to get on the ground and beg for your life?” I still didn’t move. He flashed me a grin. “You know, I think I have a better plan for you.” I didn’t take the bait. “You’re not going to ask what it is? Not going to show any hope that I might spare your life?”
“How do I really know that you will if I do beg?” I asked with a shaky voice.
“Oh, I don’t know. I’ve never actually sired a fledgling before. I think I might like to with you. You seem to have…potential.”
“What would I have potential for?” I was scared but curious. When I realized that, I wondered to myself if it was even possible.
“Ah. That’s a question that I can’t answer for you. It’s my little secret. And by the way, you can call me Ayden.”
Skyler groaned beside me as she and the other students began lifting their heads off of the desk. “What happened?” she asked. “Did I pass out?”
I didn’t say anything.
“The whole class, has detention for sleeping in my class,” he said. “If you would all go to sleep at a reasonable hour then maybe you wouldn’t be so tired by my class.”
Skyler glared at him. “I wasn’t asleep. For all you know, I could have passed out.”
Mr. Blake—Ayden, I mentally corrected myself—narrowed his eyes at Skyler. “You were sleeping,” he said sternly.
I shot a nervous glance at Skyler, but she seemed unfazed.
“Don’t test me, Skyler,” he snapped even though she didn’t say anything.
“Or what? You’ll send me to Ms. Katori? Sorry, she’s not here,” Skyler snapped back. She’d never liked Ayden. She told me the first day of school that there was something weird about him but I didn’t believe her. Now I’m beginning to wish I did.
“Skyler,” I hissed. “Shut up.”
She shot a stubborn glance at me but didn’t say another word. Mr. Blake looked at me as well, but didn’t say anything else to her or to me. He just began lecturing, but I drowned him out. All I could think about was what happened yesterday with Ms. Katori, about what just happened. What could I possibly be used for? Why would he keep me alive? I didn’t understand. On top of that, I was scared. I’ve always thought I would be calm in these situations, think of ways that I could get out of it. But it wasn’t like that. I was beginning to think that I was just as stupid as all of the girls in movies. I just hoped that I would end up being like the heroine.
Later that night I had trouble sleeping. Something kept nagging at my mind. I decided that maybe some fresh air would clear my mind so I slipped my house shoes on and walked outside on the back porch. The cool August air hit me and I shivered. I hated the cold, but this breeze, though chilly, felt nice. I walked off of the porch and stood in the middle of the back yard.
Emily, a seductive voice whispered in my mind. Come closer, Emily.
Some rational part of my mind was telling me that I shouldn’t really listen to whatever it was calling me, that I should just walk back inside and try to go back to sleep. But I wasn’t listening.
“Where?” I asked aloud. Why I thought someone was there, though, I wasn’t sure.
Come closer to the woods.
I did what I was told and the second I was at the nearest tree, I regretted it. My body froze and Ayden grabbed me and pulled me deeper into the woods.
“This won’t hurt a bit,” he said as he tilted my head to the right. “You might actually like it a little more than you think.” How could I like this? He was going to bite me. I still hadn’t ruled out that he could be a wannabe, so what if it hurt? Did he think I liked pain? If he did, he was wrong. I didn’t like it—I did everything I could to avoid the feeling. I felt his hot breath on my neck and shivered. Part of me seemed to want it, but the other part didn’t.
When he bit into my neck there was that second of a sting, but after that it was…pleasurable. I realized then that he wasn’t kidding when he said I would like it more than I thought. I could honestly say I’d never felt anything quite like it. I heard myself moan. I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t really stop myself. I wanted to grab Ayden, to hold on to him, to something, as I felt this moment of ecstasy, but I couldn’t move my arms. I couldn’t move anything. It was almost like I was paralyzed.
I felt my heart beat getting slower and slower with each pull he took of my blood. When it felt as if it were going to just stop, that’s when he pulled away. He looked at me, his eyes a silver color instead of the emerald green I was so used to seeing.
He bit into his wrist and held it to my lips. It tasted bitter at first, like pennies, but then it changed tastes. It became something sweet and I couldn’t seem to get enough of it. I felt greedy. I needed to keep drinking his blood, wanted to more than anything. This time, it was his turn to moan with what sounded like bliss. I tested my hand and when I realized that I was able to move it, I grabbed his and pressed it more closely to my mouth. He closed the little space between us and held me closely to him, all the while walking me backwards until my back was pressed against a tree. Bizarrely, I suddenly remembered reading one book where it said the sharing of blood between a vampire and a human—even two vampires—was a somewhat sexual thing, and in this moment I couldn’t say that I disagreed.
Before it could go any further, Ayden pulled away. The second he did and I took a shuddering breath and felt pain. I didn’t know why I felt this when just a second ago, I was almost on cloud nine. I doubled over and was soon on my hands and knees on the ground. I didn’t care that my clothes were getting dirty; all I cared about was the searing pain in my arms, legs, stomach…everywhere. I screamed out and Ayden instantly placed a hand over my mouth. I tried to bite down, but he made it difficult, so I settled for biting my lip instead.
Then…I felt nothing. The pain was over just as soon as it started.
“That was fast,” Ayden said bemusedly.
I was gasping for breath. I didn’t feel any different, so what exactly just happened?
“How do you feel?” he asked.
“I don’t feel any different,” I panted.
“Give it a day or two. Soon you’ll be after any human’s blood you can find. When you feel…hungry, you know where to find me.” And with that he was gone, just a blur as he dashed through the trees.
I picked myself up and carried myself back into the house. Once I was lying on my bed, I closed my eyes and tried to think, but no thoughts came. My mind was…blank, empty. I never thought that could be possible. I have never just…stopped thinking. Once the darkness had overtaken me and I somehow knew that I had fallen asleep I had a strange suspicion that when I woke up in the morning I wouldn’t be the same person I was when I woke up this morning. Even as I thought it, though, I still couldn’t believe it. It had to have been just a dream.

* * *

“That’s another D, Peterson.” The sound of the irritating and booming voice of my new history teacher, Mr. White, brought me back to the present.
“Sorry, Mr. White. I’ll do better next time,” I said sweetly.
“Yeah, you said that the last time and the time before that and who knows how many more times before that,” he said, “but I still see no improvement.”
“Your class isn’t exactly all that easy,” I mumbled dully.
I must have said it loud enough for him to hear because he grinned and said, “That’s why I’m assigning you to a week of tutoring. As soon as the three-fifteen bell rings, Peterson, you are mine until four-fifteen. And don’t even think about complaining to your daddy because he agrees with me.”
I groaned. “Do you people not want me to have a life?”
“You’ll have one,” he said, “when you’re out on your own. But don’t worry; you’ll be out of here soon. Oh, wait—I forgot!” He was not going to say it. He was not. “You failed your junior year and now you have to do it over! Looks like you’re stuck here another year!” I sighed and rolled my eyes. Yep. He said it.
“I’m still in the twelfth grade; I’m just taking this class and a few others to make up for my junior year,” I said dryly.
“Yeah, and those aren’t looking so hot either.”
“How would you know?” I growled.
“Control your temper, little lady. The class might actually start enjoying this show.” He glanced around the room and his face twisted as he fought off a smile. If it was one thing this teacher loved, it was humiliating me.
“Please, please. Don’t stop on our account,” one of the students said. Roaring laughter followed.
I didn’t sink in my chair and I didn’t blush. Instead, I looked the puny little boy who made the comment in the eye and let my eyes do the talking. He stopped laughing and abruptly turned in his seat and shivered.
Maybe that was a little too much hatred, I thought amusingly. A lot of things amused me these days.
Mr. White gave me another piece of paper; this one was my schedule for the tutoring even though he’d just told me when I had to be there. I guess he just didn’t want me forget. It was nice to know that he cared about me that much.
Class dragged on and I ended up not paying attention—again. I was off in my own little world, back to my thoughts of what happened a year ago.
The truth is, I didn’t fail because I didn’t try like Mr. White thought—like a lot of my teachers thought. I failed because I couldn’t be here; not until my thirst was under control. Ayden spent as much time as he could with me without raising suspicion. He taught me how to hunt, how to defend myself, and how to use most of my powers. But I could he didn’t like it much because he had to stay an extra year here, and that meant people got to know him better. I guessed that the only reason he waiting until I was sane enough to do this on my own was because he didn’t want whoever he was running from to find me. I thought he was just worried that if they did then they would have an easier chance at finding him. I mean, he did mention that he was on the run, after all so why not take precautions?
Something hit my desk and made a loud sound that amplified in my sensitive ears. I could hear the students snicker as I flinched.
“If you would pay more attention, then maybe this class wouldn’t be so hard. Five hundred sentences, Peterson. ‘I will not daydream in Mr. White’s class.’ They’re due tomorrow—first thing. As a matter of fact, once you’re done retaking the first test you screwed up, you can begin writing them.” He lowered his face to meet my eyes. “And I hope your hand hurts so badly you want to cut it off,” he muttered.
“I don’t think that could be any worse than having to look at your face for an extra hour for the next week,” I snapped. I didn’t even pretend to be surprised that I’d said it. Lately, I was just as easily annoyed as I was amused.
His face turned red. “Office!” he yelled.
I shrugged and took my time gathering my things. I’d taken this man’s crap for a whole semester. I wasn't willing to spend another semester listening to his bickering. He tried to make himself seem like the perfect gentleman in front of my father, and he bought it. I guess it was my fault, though. Since I’d never been much of a complainer I didn’t really see the point in telling Dad about all the mean things Mr. White said to and about me. I figured that I’d best learn how to handle all of this on my own. In a way that was just short of actually sinking my fangs into Mr. White’s neck.


Darien:
I was sitting in the office, waiting for Mrs. Field, our school secretary, to tell me what my punishment was for skipping class—again—when Emily stormed through the door.
“What did you do in White’s class this time, Emily?” Mrs. Field asked with a bored tone. She didn’t even look up. Emily stayed in here way too much, but I couldn’t really say anything; I did too. It was almost like it was our favorite meeting place.
“You’ll hear all about it later,” she said, clearly amused. “So Mrs. F., what’s my punishment? Community service? ISSP? Suspension? I’d much rather go with suspension.”
Mrs. Field sighed. “I can’t tell you. You’ll have to go see Ms. Katori.”
She stiffened but shrugged and walked toward the principal’s office.
Mrs. Field must have noticed. “She’s still pretty shook up about that, even after all of this time, isn’t she?” she asked me.
I shrugged. “It’s hard to tell.”
Mrs. Field shrugged and did a little more typing on her computer then turned and handed me a pink piece of paper. “You’re suspended for five days,” she said and sighed. “I don’t see why they should suspend you though. I bet this is like a vacation.”
I grinned. “Sure is.” I turned to happily walk out of the door and turned back. “Tell Emily I said hi when she’s through, will you?”
“Sure,” she said without taking her eyes away from what she was doing and waved her hand at me.
As I walked out of the building and to my car, I made plans to go to Emily’s tonight. I had some things I wanted to tell her.

* * *

I woke up to the sound of “Six Feet Under the Stars” by All Time Low playing on the radio. I must have fallen asleep sometime while waiting for Emily to get out of school. I looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand to my left. It was seven-thirty. Crap.
I hastily jumped out of bed and got into the shower. When I was finished with that, I grabbed the first thing I could and didn’t even look at it until I was sitting in the car. I looked down at myself and noticed that I did a good job for a random picking. The turquoise polo and dark jeans fitted nice and the shoes I was wearing, for once, went with them.
I wrinkled my nose. I was turning into a chick if I really cared that much about how I looked, but shrugged. Seeing Emily always made me this way. I wanted to dress up nice and impress her. I did that even a year ago when we were dating. I would spend hours trying to find the right shirt or the right pants. Even my hair had to look nice, even though it was unmanageable at the time. I hated my hair then. Now it was cut short, but enough so that it did the little swish, and stayed straight and flipped a little at the end.
The drive to Emily’s was just like any other. Twenty minutes on the road with plenty of time to think about what I wanted to say to her, if it was the right thing to say, and then decide to throw the whole conversation out. The crazy part about it…I played no music. For someone like me, that’s actually saying something.
When I finally arrived at Emily’s, I didn’t jump out of the car and run to the front door as I’d first planned on doing. I sat there. I sat there and thought: Do I really want to get out and express myself to her when I didn’t know how she would react? Should I be thinking about this at all? Why am I procrastinating and not doing?
I jumped as soon as there was a tap on the window. When I looked, it was Emily. I tried to hide my startled expression, but she laughed. I guess I wasn’t that good. She stepped back and I opened the door.
“You should have seen your face!” she mocked between laughs.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn’t expect you to be outside at that moment,” I said.
“Uh huh. Sure,” she said, with a grin on her face. At least she wasn’t laughing anymore. God, it was embarrassing. “So what are you doing here?”
“Nothing. I just figured I’d come by and see you.”
“You didn’t say anything about it earlier when I saw you in the office.”
“Well, I kind of figured I’d go ahead and start my vacation early.”
“Ah,” she said with a small nod of her head.
“So what did Ms. Katori give you?”
She shrugged, her good mood seeming to have disappeared. “Six days suspension.”
“You got six? Dang, I only got five.”
“One day difference,” she said with a flat tone.
“Yeah, but that’s one day I have to go to school and not see you,” I complained and bravely took her hand.
She didn’t pull away like I thought she would but she didn’t move either. It was almost like she was a statue, except she was warm and felt real. I ran my thumb across her knuckles and she just stared, her eyes moved with my thumb. I wanted to pull her close to me, but something about this seemed just fine. I decided that if she wanted it to go any further, she would make the move. And she didn’t disappoint me.

Emily:
Oh, God. What am I doing? That was the first thought that went through my mind when I leaned into him. I didn’t think about his hand holding mine or the way his thumb ran lazy circles over my knuckles. But even though I was trying to figure out what I was doing, I didn’t pull away and I didn’t lean in. I stared into his eyes, letting him decide if this was what he wanted.
And apparently he did. It came to me as a shock at first, but soon I was kissing him back. It was all too familiar and I revelled in the way my heart pounded against my chest, the way my palms were sweating, and the way I didn’t want this to stop.
I sighed and pulled back. When had I decided that this was what I wanted? When had I decided that I hadn’t moved on? I thought I had. I thought we were friends. If you’re friends, then why did you just kiss him? some rational part of my brain asked.
“What’s wrong?” he asked and moved a hand up to my cheek.
I pulled away even further and felt my heart sink as I saw the hurt flash across his eyes. He let his hand drop back to his side.
“I’m sorry,” I said, “but why do this now? Why couldn’t you have done this a long time ago?”
He stared at me, but didn’t say anything. I waited for him to, but he didn’t. He looked down, he fiddled with his hands, and he tried to grab mine, but no words were spoken. Nor did it look like he was trying to form any. Though I guess I shouldn't have expected more. He was always the kind to speak his mind if it didn't involve his feelings. He was closed off when it came to that. It was so hard for me to figure him out most of the time. And I think that's one of the things that I liked about him. It was a challenge; the kind I liked, anyway.
“I think it’s best you just go home,” I said quietly and walked away. I didn’t turn around when he called my name and I didn’t stop walking when I heard the car door shut. I kept walking until I was standing at that first tree Ayden grabbed me from. I threw a quick glance over my shoulder and when I saw Darien, I ran into them. I ran at human pace until I knew he couldn’t see me, then I picked up the pace and began running at supernatural speeds. Watching the trees blur beside me as I ran was exhilarating. If I wasn’t used to this, it probably would scare me a little, but it didn’t. I was as used to these speeds as someone who flew airplanes—something I didn’t think I’d ever be able to do.
During my run, I stopped suddenly when I heard the low growl of a wolf. If I didn’t know that it was my friend, I would have taken a defensive position but I was so used to this routine that it unfazed me.
“You’ve finally found the time to escape your human life, I see,” said a deep, masculine voice.
“A little motivation was really all I needed,” I said dryly.
“What happened?” Brayden asked as he stepped out from behind the dark trees. He was a shapely man, though you couldn’t expect much from a werewolf. And at twenty-two, he was very cocky about it.
“Nothing you would really be interested in since you don’t care too much for human things.” The thought of Darien popped into my head; mainly that kiss we'd shared a few minutes ago—maybe an hour; I forgot. I pushed it back. I wouldn't think about that when I was around Brayden. I didn't want to talk about it with him, really.
“You make human things seem…interesting,” he said with a tiny smile as he circled around me. He never stood still when we were together. It was unnerving, but I made myself seem passive, unworried. He seemed to buy it for the most part.
“How could I make it seem interesting?”
“The way you make yourself seem so much like one of them. Your kind usually becomes bitter to them, only seeing them as food.”
“Like you do?” I snapped.
His eyes narrowed. “I don’t eat humans. I just choose not to confuse myself with them like you do.”
“I don’t confuse myself,” I said bitterly. “I know that I’m not human. I have to smell their blood every day and keep myself from wondering what it would taste like. You don’t seem to realize how hard it is for me to keep pretending everything is okay.”
“Why don’t you just stop trying to pretend then? Come live here with me for a while until you’re ready to find your own place.”
“Why the sudden mood change, Brayden? First you were ready to bite my head off and now you’re offering me a place to stay?” I asked skeptically.
He sighed. “Arguing with you never gets me anywhere but angry, and anger is a sort of human emotion. It affects the way I hunt and how I react to my pack. Which, by the way, isn’t very nice.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What will your pack think of a vampire?” I asked, more skepticism painting my words.
He looked thoughtful for a moment and then said, “I don’t know. Why don’t we go to the pack and find out?”
“I don’t think I like this nice side of you,” I said.
“Would you rather me tear your head off?”
“At this moment, yeah. That would sound so much better.”
He grinned. “Then if the pack doesn’t like you, they’re welcome to it.”
I scowled. “Nice to know you care that much about me to feed me to the wolves.”
He laughed and without another word took off, changing into his wolf form on the way. I grinned and followed quickly. I just hoped that the pack liked me. I’d rather not have to fight for my life.
Last edited by SuzieCake on Tue May 26, 2009 10:59 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Ever since you went away, my heart has never beat the same and all that I can do is just laugh.




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Hey there. I'm The.Dreamwalker and I will be your critiquer for this evening :D. Pleasure to meet you ask well.

As is always, I start of with my critique then I go into plot, character developement, plot, grammer and punctuation, and finally my overall. Okay so lets start.

Critique

Ever wondered if maybe some of the things you fantasize about are real? Have you ever wished some of them are real?


'Are' should be 'were' and the second sentence would sound more flowing if you would have said 'Have you ever wished they were?' It makes it sound more impacting.

I’m not talking about fantasizing about a boy that you have no chance with becoming your boyfriend being real, I’m not talking about fantasizing about being a famous actor or actress.


The first line there is generalizing and specifying the readers gender which is [i]Not[/b] good in literature. Even if you are targetting a specific gender you should never specify. Also, you make it sound like one has no chance with another. I know a lot of beautiful people with a lot of ugly ones and they are happy. Dont steriotype so quickly.

Second line. I highly doubt anyone would think their fantasies about actors are real. There is absolutely no point in stating it.. just to be clear. Hopefully that didnt sound cruel..

I’m talking about fantasizing about werewolves, vampires, faeries, witches, and things like that--things that people read and write about all of the time but couldn’t possibly be real.


Change the first about to 'of' and people dont read and write about them all the time. Specifying is dangerous. Might I add, the most popular genre is romance, science fiction, and murder mysteries. Not just fantasy. Fantasy is big in the kids areas but not in adulthood. Dont be specific when steriotyping because that turns readers away quickly.

I’d always fantasized about vampires, always wished they were real, always wished I could be one.


Overuse of the word 'always'. I think I can see what you were trying to do with that but it didnt quite work to be completely honest with you.

Don’t ask me how it’s possible because no one can really answer that.


Part of the writing career is to have a rhymn and reason behind everything and I mean everything. Dont just skim over it and forget it. That seems like an area you just got lazy and didnt feel like going into. I think it would be best to try and get into those areas and show us a little depth into the vampire world.

Except we’re not soulless, we have heart beats, we need to breathe, we need regular food just as much as we need blood, and we’re not indestructible.


I'm not going to lie, this makes you sound like your trying desparatly to make sure that no one mistakes your work for twilight and in doing that you referencing back to twilight. You're stressing out in that matter. Dont underly those areas because they make it seem like you're trying to hard which makes the word in itself covered in seamlines and basically speaking, not an exciting read.

His black hair fit perfectly against his perfectly tanned skin and his green eyes were the color of emeralds.


Overusage of the word perfectly.

Mr. Blake placed one hand around her waist and looked as if he wee supporting her and the other tilted her head to the side.


Wee... I'm pretty sure that should be a 'was'.

was Mr. Blake give Ms. Katori a hickey as she moaned.


Give should be giving.

Alright I'm going to end there for I seem to have run out of time in my haste XP. If you would like me to continue with this I will for surely later on :D.

Plot line

Okay so this is... well a hard one. There is a lot of orginiality in this, but its a little strange to be completely honest. I wont say anything till I read more of course, but at the beginning it was terribly rough due to the fact that you looked like you were working to hard not to be like Stephanie Meyer.

Grammer and Punctuation

Just a few things to fix up but nothing awful from what I saw. Your language could be a little more wordy and you have some flowing issues here and there but nothing that cant be fixed over time.

Character Developement

Lets just say I have seen this character portrayed over and over. Always the girl who is down to earth and good. Give me some flaws, some unexptected characteristics that will make people more interested. This character is very Mary sue in that sense.

Overall

There is definitly some potential in this. Although I am probably the biggest Twilight hater, I found the idea interesting. Just freshen it up and try and get out of that stephanie meyer thought basis cause that will kill you as an upincoming writer and we dont want to read the same thing twice.

The idea is interesting, but you must work towards making it original and flowing. Give us a reason for reading your work :D.

Other then that, Good job and PM me if you wish me to critique the rest of the story or if you want me to critique the next chapter :D.

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker
Suppose for a moment that the heart has two heads, that the heart has been chained and dunked in a glass booth filled with river water. The heart is monologuing about hesitation and fulfillment while behind the red brocade the heart is drowning. - R.S




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Truly, i think this story is better than the other one you made. It's a lot more original, and i think it started off so much better than Twilight. That's saying something. It was great that you started it out with a question. It gets the reader involved.
it's a great story, I hope it turns out big.
There are a few grammatical errors, and some spelling errors. There are also some tenses that are used wrong, but other than that, it's practically perfect.
Very fluid. I didn't seem to have to read back to see if what i was reading was right. i hope to see more for this story in the future.
diaNe
The two most engaging powers of an author are to make new things familiar, and familiar things new.
Samuel Johnson

I'm not sarcastic, I'm simply verbally ironic.
Me




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Here is your review as promised!! I haven't read any of the above review, so I apologise in advance if I repeat anything. In the document, I have the main review, but here are my summed-up thoughts of this chapter (which, by the way, I loved reading :D). I hope this helps you out!!

Last Minute Views
Thoughts and emotions
You need to work on expressing your MC’s thoughts and emotions more throughout your chapter. It will help to make your character more believable and 3D, and the scene she’s partaking in too. As sometimes she seemed to be just a puppet in a scene – not expressing any of her own thoughts and feeling, and not being as emotionally involved in what’s happening. I know I kept on talking about her being more emotionally involved, and I just mean that by expressing more of her emotions in relation to what is happening it will help both your MC and us (your reader) be more emotionally involved and caught up in the story. Do you see where I’m coming from? If not, please just say :D.

Not explaining enough
Sometimes you rush over the details, and don’t elaborate or explain further where it is needed, which confuses what’s happening. I’ve pointed out where this has happened and how I think it could be changed (:

The kissing scene with Emily and Darien
I thought was slightly rushed, and also when Emily ran away,[u]why[u/] did she run away? You never made that quite clear, and then when she runs off with the wolf at the end she seemed to have forgotten totally about what had happened. Surely she would have thought more about it when the wolf was questioning about her ‘human’ life?

The relationships between Emily and Brayden
I think needed to be elaborated on. How they met and became friends, why they are friends, what she thinks about him...etc. Also, more emotions from your MC at the end to his proposal wouldn’t hurt either :wink: hehe, I promise I’ll stop going on about them some time =P

Character Descriptions
Your first one of Ayden was brilliant, but that’s where it seemed to have stopped. I think you need to work on adding in more character descriptions, even if it is just a little – as that still works too!! (:

Changing Viewpoints
I loved how you changed the viewpoint from Emily to Darien, I thought that it worked really well, especially how you left out what happened between her and the principal, adding more intrigue... I really want to know what happened there!! =P I also thought that you made both their character viewpoints so different as well, which is pretty hard to do, so well done with that!! (:

Your MC
I liked her, and I thought you portrayed her very well. However, I think the development of her character could be improved further with adding more (yes, you guessed it =P) of her thoughts and emotions into the story.

And finally...
I thought that this counted as more than one chapter... I think if and when you publish it, I would have the different character viewpoints as different chapters. What do you think?

Overall Thoughts
You presented very interesting, and I have to say unique, concepts and ideas towards a vampire story. I loved how different this story was, and at the end it also had me hanging on, simultaneously disappointed when it ended and instantly wanting to read more. I especially want to know more about the principal situation, and what your MC was so nervous about... I guess I’ll just have to carry on reading to find out!! :D Great job with this; I really, really enjoyed reading it and if you could PM me when you post the next chapter, that would be great!! =D

I really hope this review helped you out, and I really can’t wait for the next chapter!! If you have any questions, or anything at all, please don’t hesitate to PM me as I will always be more than happy to help. Also, let me know if you ever edit this chapter, as I would love for my help to be continual!! (:

Great job on this, and Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx
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I for one liked your other story best and Umm...I hate to break this to you but your story still has a twilight thing to it. But I could tell you worked hard to make you story original, maybe too hard…And though I still love your stories this one was really weak. You seemed to be so focusing on making your story original you forgot about everything else. Also you seemed to me that you were rushed.

So here are the things I think you should fix:
1) You don't have any sensory details and I don't know if it's just me but feeling like I'm in the story is my favorite part of reading. So add sensory details!
2) Also the beginning wasn't as strong you reveled too much information too quickly. You should spread out the information. Maybe make the beginning more mysterious and secretive that always gets peoples’ attention. This is one of the things that made me read twilight; the cover of that book was even mysterious in a way. If it was for the awesome cover and good beginning I would have never read the book.
3) Your characters aren't well developed and character development is one of the most important aspects of writing, after all they are the ones who make up the story. And when I mean character development. I talking about the contradicting personalities your characters have.
For example Darien, you make him this all bad boy and I imagine muscular, messy hair, baggy pants... (This is due to your lack of sensory detail. I have no idea what kind of person he is. You made him mysteries but not in a good way.) But then you turn him into this person who is going all out to impress this girl and into a person who obsessed about his clothes (you make him a little dorky). Also this doesn't even really make sense because he doesn’t seem in love with her to make him act dorky and… he just seems to like for her rep… it seems more like she’s bad, I want ask her out. Which makes sense the more I think about it since when she asks him why know meaning why know that she is a vampire and he says nothing, it makes sense that when she turned into a Vampire she became some sort of juvenile delinquent and he liked that aspect of her personality.
4) Originality
This is a tip to how you can make your story more original
1. You can read Peeps by Scott Westerfield (He is really good at making his stories original and different from the norm.)
2. Watch Underworld (This is a different intake on Werewolves and Vampires than twilight)
3. Do some research!
Here are websites to help you free your story of twilight
http://limyaael.livejournal.com/288509.html
http://limyaael.livejournal.com/290393.html
http://limyaael.livejournal.com/452888.html
It really helped me free my story from Underworld, its rlly helpful
Anyway hope I wasn’t too harsh…
P.S. Love ur stories & can’t wait to read more!
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I hope I didn't brain my damage... - Homer



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