Latitudes, Longitudes, and Magnetism

Latitudes, Longitudes, and Magnetism

She paced the room, moving about every inch of the cold, uncarpeted floor:
To Europe? To Asia? To anywhere and everywhere!
To spontaneity! To freedom! To burning tedium, breaking bore!
I remember when my kiss pierced through your lips, through the air.

I sent a postcard so you’d know I’ve been living free,
I drew a map of the reckless routes cleaving back to you.
Still, my hair’s dampened by – and my skin is stained with – your bleak debris;
You’ve stained my thoughts with a strange taboo.

It’s dangerous to think of… – I’ll mail this, and banish you from my mind.
But I drew a map of the reckless routes cleaving back to you;
I don’t think you’ll trace them; I understand the eyes of Venus are blind.
Separated by the bile-filled belly of the Earth, we must remain – not one – but two.

But what do you hope for when you’re alone beneath the blanket of night?
Please tell me, what prayer does your inner glow of green recite?

This is beautifully written, but I find it a bit hard to understand. After the first three lines (which, by the way, I find just perfect) the point-of-view changes from third to first person. After that I have trouble understanding who the speaker is. Is it a girl?

Still, my hair’s dampened by – and my skin is stained with – your bleak debris;

You’ve stained my thoughts with a strange taboo.

I think that the first line here sounds a bit too much like prose. Could you rewrite it more poetically? I love the second line.

I don’t think you’ll trace them; I understand the eyes of Venus are blind.

Separated by the bile-filled belly of the Earth, we must remain – not one – but two.

The "eyes of Venus" makes it sound like the speaker is addressing a girl. Maybe I'm reading it wrong? The "bile-filled belly of the Earth" left me confused. But I love the end of that line.

But what do you hope for when you’re alone beneath the blanket of night?

Please tell me, what prayer does your inner glow of green recite?

GENIUS.

So, this might've sounded harsh but what I'm trying to say is:

1. I love this.
2. It's confusing.
3. But that doesn't bother me, because it is so beautiful.
-rachel

Hey!

Ooer. This was indeed pretty fantastic. I hate that there's so much crap here that gets attention, while the good pieces get neglected. This is good. Very good, I thought. I do have to question why the first line is in third person, the rest in first?

I thought, while the idea itself isn't new [what is these days though really?], the execution and creative spin on it, was beautiful.

Truly well done.

Adios!