What he doesn't know

He thinks I’m someone I never claimed to be
Like some glamorous model on T.V
He calls me cute, lovely and gorgeous
He makes me think I’m flawless
He doesn’t know a lot of things
Like how my fingers are too fat for diamond rings
Or how my fringe is never straight
Or how I lie to all my mates
He doesn’t know I don’t like how my dad acts
Or how I can never face facts
He doesn’t know how I care what people say
And how I can't keep my feelings at bay
Or how I’m scared of getting close to anyone
So basically I’m a con!
I don’t do everything right
And how I’m consonantly in a fight
With my head and my heart
But at least I'm never false or a tart
The truth is why can’t I just be who I am?
And why do I always feel like my life is one big scram?

Hi, there! I've never been one for small talk, so here you go:

When a rhyme scheme doesn't flow naturally, it makes the speaker of the poem seem insincere. In other words, it distracts one from understanding the themes of the poem. In certain areas of this piece, the rhymes feel forced.

Brown Eyed Girl wrote:He calls me cute, lovely and gorgeous
He makes me think I’m flawless

Also, a few grammatical errors:

He doesn’t know how I care what people say

It should be "that" instead of "how".

and

And how I’m consonantly in a fight

"consonantly" should be "constantly".

Now, on to style. Personally, these last lines bothers me:

The truth is why can’t I just be who I am?
And why do I always feel like my life is one big scram?

It's the conclusion of your poem so you should make it very meaningful. Give the reader something to mull over. Moreover, the sentence just sounds awkward: say it aloud to yourself.

I like your poem, overall. I suppose that since the topic of the poem has been written of so frequently, I just wanted to see something a bit atypical; I wanted something to spice it up. Maybe you should try a different writing technique. For example, begin describing a setting or a - seemingly - insignificant moment, and then build from there. Focus on how your Speaker's surroundings affect him/her. Best of luck!

I actually think the ending of your poem does give the reader something to think about. It challenges them to evaluate their life to check if they are being true to themselves. My only problem with the rhyme scheme was flawless/gorgeous and anyione/con. They rest of it flowed naturally for me. There was definitely a set rythym there. As far as content goes, I felt some things didn't quite fit in with the rest of the poem. Why would it matter that your bangs aren't straight? (That is what 'fringe' is, right?) The rest of the poem is about revealing very personal matters about what bothers you and how the inner workings of your mind go on. That line jut feels like a surface observation and doesn't really say anything about who you are. Overall, I enjoyed the poem. It was very well done for the most part.
Keep Writing!
Alyssa

You know... that poem really speaks to me... Something just keeps stirring around my head when I read that. Anyways! Let's get to the point. Like the meaning of the poem! I guess this was for a person you really cared about? Cause I think it is. But if you really read it carefully, you'll see that some verses aren't meant to be in the poem. Some of them can maybe be ripped off because the poem doesn't really need it! Well.. yeah, your grammar's okay and the verses are typed well. But then, the rhyming. Usually, rhyming doesn't concern me much because I know this is a freelance-poem thread but then some bits and kwirks just kept me blurred for sometime before I read the next verse. Oh well, to get my point through, the poem's great and sweet but I wasn't that meaningful and you've got to work with your rhyming and such. But then again, I'm just another account user. Although this poem didn't really exceed much in my expectations, I'd still like to read more about your works and maybe one of those may have some quite impressive comments! I know I'll give you one next time you make another one! Ganbatte!*

Ganbatte = Good Luck in Japanese

the only part that really doesnt make any sense to me is

He doesn’t know how I care what people say

And how I can't keep my feelings at bay

Or how I’m scared of getting close to anyone

So basically I’m a con!

I like who the first three lines of this section fit but when you say "So basically I'm a con!" it gets your point accross but the wording isnt right to me

[/quote]And why do I always feel like my life is one big scram?[quote]
shouldn't it be And why do I always feel like my life is one big scam?

I really liked this!

It was really interesting and I realluy did love it. It was dramatic and it really made me think about what you were saying.

I'm not a very good critique so I wouldn't take my review to seriously! But even though that is true I will try to do the best I can to review you poem!

This poem was great in my opinion. It's full different feelings. It was truly gripping and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

It almost felt as if I was the main character of your poem and I absolutely love it when a poem or a story has that effect on me.

The first few lines of the poem was an excellent opener and you did do something that many other poets find hard to do by saying little but saying a lot. You should definitely be proud of that!

I didn't really understand the poem much but that is only because I'm not very good at reviewing and I get confused easily. The better the poem the more I seem to not understand it!

I'm not much of a criticiser so think of this as your compliment review!

Overall, I adored your poem!

I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing

Meg x-x

this poem is very good
although there are some slight mistakes it is nothing to worry about and make sure criticisms from other people do not stop you from writing..
lol
anyway your poem is very good in that it allows the reader to be inside the poem and to feel your feelings so that they can empathise with you.

overall amazing poem !!!
good job
keep writing.
Soul destroyer (dont let the name fool you )

Hey there
I liked this poem, I think a lot of people have felt this way, like they're keeping stuff from someone they love and that they feel as if they can't live up the the 'perfect' perception somebody has of them. For this reason the peom was good-everyone has a 'perfect' image of how somebody, which often isn't real and everyone has stuff they keep to themselves. The sentiment of the poem was fine.
You have done what a lot of poets-including myself in the past-do and tried to focus too much on the rhyme and less on the content. You have tried desperately to make couplets rhyme and so have lost some of the essence of the poem. I used to believe poetry could only be good if it rhymed, but many of the best poems are free verse, or have no rhyme scheme. Search on the internet for 'He Wishes For The Cloths Of Heaven' and you'll see exactly what I mean.
Keep the sentiment, but try and create it in free verse, I'd love to see that.
overall a lush poem
Well done
C.E.S
xxxxx

Hey!!!


Okay, truthfully, i didn't particularly like some of the rhymes in this poem. Some of your wording choices weren't very good, but maybe that's because you were trying to rhyme? But one thing i really did like was the theme of the poem. I think A LOT of people have felt this way, like they where hiding too much from the people they love. But what i didn't get was the narrator afraid of telling the person who he/she was, or was he/she just a liar? It's a mystery in making.


~Hailey, <3