Learning to Live

Prologue
January 21st was the day you changed my life without even realising. I recognize you from somewhere, I had no idea where. I didn't know your name and I'm pretty sure you hadn't the slightest who I was. You were sat in Subway with a girl. I wasn't usually there, You walked past me, looking at me, me looking at you, then you were gone. I'd never see you again.

Hiya there, and first off welcome to YWS!! I have decided to review your piece for today (:

--> Okay, this is very short and there isn't much for me to say, but I think the main thing is that this needs to be lengthened. Even as an introduction this is way too short. But never fear!! I have some things that you could take into account to help you lengthen this out (:

--> So, the first thing I notice is that it is written in first person, and it may be about unrequited love? This uncertainty that I have towards the actual plot is great as you don't want to give away the whole plot before you've even started, so I would keep this vagueness firmly in place

--> Now, I'm going to give you two examples from two books by one of my favourite authors, who starts off his stories with an introduction. They're both love stories and this is how he introduces them:

Excerpt number one - Candy. This is about a boy who meets Candy, who he falls in love with, but she's a drug addict and a hooker so he starts off with an innocent view of the world, and by the end of it he's a lot more knowledgeable about the darker workings of the world, and this is how the author introduces it...

Candy by Kevin Brooks wrote:It's hard to imagine life before Candy. Sometimes I sit here for hours, staring into the past, trying to remember what it was like, but I never seem to get very far. I just can't see myself without her. About the best I can manage is the last half-hour before we met, the last few moments of my pre-Candy existence, when I was still a boy ... just a boy on a train, a boy with a lump, a boy in a starry black hat.
I was innocent then.
Just a boy.
On a train.
With a lump.
And a hat.
That was all the world I needed to know.

--> Can you see how this is only a small paragraph of the first chapter that introduces the story, but it's still longer than yours? Can you see how the author gives the basics away, without the whole plot. From reading this you wonder who Candy is? What will happen, etc? But you don't feel unsatisfied that it isn't long enough. Yes? Also, this sounds slightly similar to yours in the way that he's referring to how Candy changed his life, just like how you're saying the boy in Subway changed your MC's life. maybe you could even add in some reference to your title (which I love, by the way )?

--> It still is quite short, but that's because it's just a paragraph from the first chapter. Here's another example from the same author, but with an entirely different style of introduction, and this is actually like a prologue.

Excerpt number two - Lucas. This again, is how the MC's life is changed by falling in love. Here, the MC is a girl (Caitlin) and one day she meets a strange boy Lucas, who soon becomes a subject of jealousy to those around her. So as Caitlin tries to make sense of this injustice, whilst trying to clear his name, but she knows in her heart there is only one thing she can do that is right (which I can't remember was at this precise moment, whoopsies =P). Okay, this is the story's prologue...

Lucas by Kevin Brooks wrote:It was my dad's idea to write about Lucas and Angel and everything else that happened last summer. 'It won't make you feel any better,' he told me, 'it might even make things worse for a while. But you mustn't let the sadness die inside you. You have to give some life. You have to...'
'Let it all out?'
He smiled. 'Something like that.'
'I don't know, Dad,' I sighed. 'I'm not sure I can write a story.'
'Ah now, that's nonsense. Anyone can write a story. It's the easiest thing in the world. How else do you think I make a living out of it? All you have to do is tell the truth, tell it like it was.'
'But i don't know how it was, I don't know all the details, the facts-'
'Stories aren't facts, Cait, they're not details. Stories are feelings. You've got feelings, haven't you?'
'Too many,' I said.
'Well, that's all you need.' He put his hand on mine. 'Cry yourself a story, love. It works. Believe me.'
So that's what I did, I cried myself a story.
And this is it.
-Caitlin McCann

--> So, that's a different introduction entirely. Can you see how you can use any style you want, as long as it gives us a bit more detail, instantly encouraging us onto the next page and the next chapter, which I'm sure you can do!!

--> So, here are a few suggestions on what you could expand on which you can ignore, take on, whatever you wish!! :
- Describe the type of day - was there any sign that something unusual was going to happen that day...?
- Describe the guy and the girl, adding in a few MC thoughts & emotions.
- Elaborate on 'I recognise you from somewhere, I had no idea where' - how does your MC get that feeling.
- Elaborate on your MC's and the guy's eyes meeting - did they maintain eye contact for a while? Was there any emotion passed through the glance...? This would even be a great opportunity to describe the guy, or at least his eye colour (:

That's all I can think of for now!! This was really good, but just needed a little working on, so you sure have potential, my dear (: . Also, I'd keep the whole addressing directly to the reader, as it's very unique, which is great!! If you let me know if and when you change this, and I'll be happy to pop by and give a critique =D. If you have any questions regarding this critique, or anything at all please don't hesitate to PM me, as I'll always be happy to help!!

I hope this review helped you out, and Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx

Thanks for that. It's to first thing I've ever wrote properly and went in blind.

I'll definatly take on board your advice. It's very good. I do see now how its very short. I'll add in some of the things you said.

Great choice of books by the way. I love both of them.
Thanks for the welcome.
I'll let you know when I've edited.

x

January 21st was the day you changed my life without even realising. The sun was shining. I recognized you from somewhere, I had no idea where. I knew that sheepish look on your face. I didn't know your name and I'm pretty sure you didn't know mine. You were sat in Subway with a timid looking girl with fair hair. I wasn't usually there at this time of day but I knew I was meant to see you. You walked past me, looking at me with those big brown eyes, me looking at you. Your eyes lit up. Maybe you did know me? But then you were gone. I'd never see you again.

That is definitely an improvement, but try and lengthen it even further!! Build off from it... you could print it off, then write comments, and questions all around it, as to where you could add in more stuff, etc - I sometimes do that, and it really does help!! (:

This is great, but keep going and Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx

P.S, Yeah, those two are amazing books, have you read any more by him?

Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
¶ = I started new paragraph.
January 21st was the day you changed my life without even realizing. The sun was shining. Elaborate. How was it shining? Was the sky entirely cloudless? How did the fact that the sun was shining make him feel? I recognized you from somewhere, I had no idea where, but I knew that sheepish look on your face. I didn't know your name, and I'm pretty sure you didn't know mine. You were sitting in the Subway with a timid looking girl with fair hair. I wasn't usually there at this time of day, but I knew I was meant to see you. You walked past me, looking at me with those big brown eyes, me looking at you. Your eyes lit up. Maybe you did know me? But then you were gone. I'd never see you again.

* * *

You piqued my interest, that's good, but I still think this could be just a little bit longer. Not so much description wise, but maybe with more thoughts and feelings?
Off to a good start, though. Yay.

»Sam.

Another edited version. I hope it an improvement.

Thank both of you for your advice. I used as much of it as I could.

_____________

January 21st was the day you changed my life without even realizing. The sun making me glow as it shone down from the pure blue sky. I recognized you from somewhere, I had no idea where, but I knew that sheepish look on your face. I didn't know your name, and I'm pretty sure you didn't know mine. I searched every memory, trying to picture you somewhere else but I couldn't. Now, You were sitting in Subway with a timid looking girl with fair hair. I wasn't usually there at this time of day but I knew I was meant to see you. I don't believe in fate but the butterflies as you walked past me, looking at me with those big brown eyes, me looking at you, my beliefs started to change. Your eyes lit up as they locked on mine, making my heart skip a beat. Maybe you did know me? I needed to talk to you but you were gone. Even though I could think of nothing else but you I never talked about you. I'd never see you again.

_____________

PS Lucyy:I don't think I've read any more by him but I know I probably should.

Hiya there *waves* I'm back, and ready to do some more reviewing!! So let's get down to business!! Before we do though, this is just a little pointer for you: instead of keeping on posting your edits in a separate comment, if you go up to your original post you made at the top of the thread, on the right hand side, there are two buttons 'Quote' and 'Edit'. If you click on the edit button, you can make the changes to your original post without having to post a new comment!! Simple when you know how, eh? I hope those instructions were clear enough, haha =P . Anyway, on with the review!!

PinguN18 wrote:January 21st was the day you changed my life without even realizing.

[New Paragraph >>]The sun was making my ivory/tanned [?] skin glow as it shone down from the pure blue sky.

[NP >>]I [s]recognized[/s] knew you from somewhere,[replace with semi-colon] I had no idea where, but I [s]knew[/s] recognised that sheepish look on your face. I didn't know your name, and I'm pretty sure you didn't know mine. I searched through every memory, trying to picture you somewhere else but I couldn't. Now,[delete comma] you were sitting in Subway [whereabouts is this Subway and what was your MC doing there?] with a timid looking girl with fair hair [brilliant!! You're adding in more descriptions, well done (: ].

[NP >>]I wasn't usually there at this time of day [why?] but I knew I was meant to see you. I don't believe in fate but the butterflies as you walked past me [I know you mean butterflies in your tummy, but this isn't quite clear here. Try and rephrase this a little by adding in a little more description (only a little though) (: ], looking at me with those big brown eyes, me looking at you.
[b][NP>>]It was then my beliefs started to change. [I think that will work well on a line on its own - what do you think?]

Your eyes lit up as they locked on mine, making my heart skip a beat. Maybe you did know me? I needed to talk to you but you were gone [how? Elaborate on this a little more]. Even though I could think of nothing else but you I never talked about you.

[NP >>]I'd never see you again.

Now, I've broken this up a little, added a few things in and asked you a few more questions, where I think you've been too vague. I hope this will help you out some more. You really have made a massive improvement from your original piece, which is great and I'm really proud of you for!! Also, don't be shy to use descriptions - they really can be your friends!! (:
I hope this helped you out, and please don't hesitate to PM me anytime at all - I'll always be more than happy to help!!

Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx
P.S. You really should read more of his books, he is an amazing writer (: