April

First off: Thank you for reading my novel! I really appreciate any advice you could give me about characters and plot since those are things I really struggle with as a writer. Second: The characters in this book go to a Catholic school. I've never been to one before, so if I mess up on something then please correct me. Thanks!!

"DAMMIT!"

The room became silent. Everyone turned their head to stare at me and my best friend, Shaylee Dunham. My face flushed a deep shade of red. Shay, on the other hand, had no shame whatsoever. She had her head bent under her desk, massaging her shoeless right foot.

"Miss Dunham!" Mrs. Kramer exclaimed while crossing herself. Up in the front row, the other Catholic kids started crossing themselves too. Spare me. "How many times have I told you? No swearing in my classroom!"

"Sorry, Mrs. Kramer," Shaylee said. Her voice was pained. Her black hair was hanging in her face and her ruby, red lips pulled into a tight grimace.

It was my fault Shay hurt her foot. I was always the one to blame for her spontaneous bouts of aggression. We were talking about Kale... again. All Shay talks about is Kale. He's been her boyfriend since eighth grade. Even at fifteen, they were already talking about getting married.

"He's going to meet us for lunch next period," Shay was saying.

Mrs. Kramer was droning on and on about the Industrial Revolution. We weren't paying attention as usual. Shay and I were intelligent enough already.

"Do we have to?" I groaned. "You know how I feel about him, Shay."

"Yeah, yeah..." Shay rolled her eyes. "You hate his guts. But you could at least do it for me. I am your best friend and all."

"Best friend or not." I spotted Bethany Dupree up in the front row sitting next to Andrew Campbell. She was tracing circles on his shirt sleeve when Mrs. Kramer's back was turned. I resisted the urge to scream. "I. Don't. Like. Him."

That was when Shay tried to kick me in the shin. She missed, accidentally kicking the leg of her desk instead. Now Mrs. Kramer was giving the stare down of the century. She was pretty young for a teacher, early twenties maybe. She wouldn't send us down to Clemens' for profanity.

"Miss Dunham," Mrs. Kramer sighed, probably thinking how we were such hopeless cases. "Please go into the hallway and recite the Hail Mary four times. Then you shall be forgiven."

Shay didn't protest. She was too busy massaging her injured foot. She rose from her seat, and hobbled out the door. Mrs. Kramer returned to her lesson and I returned to staring at Bethany and Andrew.

It's pretty much a secret that I liked Andrew. The only people who knew about it were Shay and my sister, Katherine who lived up in Maine. Andrew was on the school's lacrosse team, gorgeous and under the watchful eye of Bethany Dupree, my "ugly" step-sister. You couldn't get within two feet of the guy without Bethany ripping your eyes out. She wasn't not even his girlfriend!!

I swear, The Divorce was the worst thing to even happen to me.

The bell rang, signaling the end of class and Kramer's boring lecture. I grabbed all my books off and ran out the door to meet with Shay. After her little display, I was more than willing to eat lunch with Kale and her. It wasn't really an option anymore.

"How was the praying?" I asked trying hard not to smile.

"Shut up," Shay said, her expression still pained. "I didn't even say any. I was too busy dealing with the pain you brought upon me!!"

Andrew passed by us with his gaggle of female companions. He noticed me staring, and smiled. My heart litterally fell out of my chest, and onto the floor. I wanted so bad to do a little happy dance for myself. We stopped at Shay's locker. I leaned up against the one besides her.

"Guess what," I said, excited.

"You're eating lunch with Kale and I?"

I sighed. "Yes."

Shaylee squealed, but I put up a hand to silence her. "But that wasn't it. Andrew Campbell just smiled at me. Me!!"

"Christ." Now it was Shaylee's turn to be annoyed. "Don't start with that crap again."

But I was on a roll, explaining how our eyes met and how his teeth were so sparkly. Shaylee shoved her books into her locker, ignoring my girlish ramblings. What a hypocrite. We followed the other students out to the courtyard of Saint Helena's. You could see where the divisions were. We didn't have many cliques, but the boys usually stood to the left while the girls sat to the right. If any of the teachers saw two genders of the opposite sex too close to each other, there would be Hell to pay.

Shaylee walked right through the crowd, expecting people to move for "Her Highness". She didn't care what other people thought. I appreciated that.

"Look!" Shay said suddenly grabbing onto my arm. She pointed to the barb wire fence separating us from freedom. Kale Matthews was leaning against the fence, his arms draped over it danging like spaghetti noodles.

Shaylee ran over to him as discreetly as she could manage, and planted a big kiss on his forehead. "Hello, darling," he said smiling that goofy smile of his. The to me he said, "Hey, April. Coming to play with the big kids today?"

"Ha, ha," I said rolling my eyes. "Very funny."

While Shay and Kale were talking, I reached into my skirt pocket, withdrawing my Zippo lighter. It was my most prized possession. My grandfather gave it to me when I was twelve, around the same time as The Divorce. Whenever I was feeling anxious, upset, pissed, etc., I whipped the sucker out. Why it was therapeutic to me, I had no clue. I just felt calm.

Kale noticed me clicking my Zippo, so he tossed me a pack of cigarettes.

"Thanks," I said actually meaning it for once.

I lit one up. My stomach stopped doing gymnastics instantly.

"So there's this new guy in class with us," Kale said. "His name's Heath, or something like that. Rumor is that he tried to kill someone. Attempted murder."

Shaylee's blue eyes widened. "Really?" she asked breathlessly. "Are you fucking kidding me? That's insane!"

"I know!" Kale said, equally excited. I didn't see what the big deal with. Everyone at North Ridge was a poor excuse for a human being. It was the town's only juvenile delinquent center. My father worked there as an English teacher, unfortunately. Every night he came home and told me stories of his exploits. The kids loved him over there. What sucked was, everyone knew who I was. April Lincoln. Vince's daughter.

"You guys should meet him," Kale went on to say. "He's actually a pretty decent guy once you get to know him."

"Is he cute?" Shay asked. Of course.

Kale frowns. "Not for me!!" she quickly corrected herself. "I mean for April!"

"Don't drag me into this."

"Shaylee! Are you going to ditch me for New Guy?" Kale asked, distraught.

"No, honey!" Shay replied. "I love you!" She poked him in the chest. "You. You. You."

I turned away from their Love Fest, so I wouldn't throw up. Bethany was staring at me from across the courtyard. She was sitting in between her two friends, Jodie and Taylor, who were chatting animatedly. Dammit. She was obviously staring at the cigarette in my hand. Dammit.

"Don't look now," I said as Bethany rose from her bench gracefully. Jodie and Taylor exchanged looks, but followed suit. "but Bethany is coming over here."

Kale swore and dove into some nearby bushes, even though Bethany obviously saw him beforehand.

"Hello," Bethany said politely once they reached our little corner. "How are you two doing today?"

"Fine," Shay said, equally polite. "With what do we owe the pleasure, ma'am?"

Shay hated Bethany almost as much as I hated the entire population of North Ridge. They were at each other's throats constantly. I stepped in between them, so Shay wouldn't hit her in the head.

"Why are you over here, Bethany?" I asked.

She looked taken aback at my bluntness. "Why are you smoking? This is school, you know. People are looking at you! You could be getting written up right now!"

Like I was getting written up. Nobody at this damn school suspected me of doing anything wrong. I was on the A Honor Roll for two years, and in the tippy-top percentile. I was untouchable.

"I don't need you to supervise my every move," I said taking a long drag from my cigarette. "You're not my mother."

"Smoking kills!" Bethany said placing a hand over her heart. What a Drama Queen.

"Yeah!" Jodie agreed, nodding her head. "It causes lung cancer, FYI."

"Totally," Taylor added.

"Get the hell out of here," Shay butted in, probably tired of the whole spiel.

The three of them looked like they had just been corrupted by Satan, which was technically true. Had any of them heard the F word before? Jesus. But it got them to scurry away, back to their stone bench to elaborate on poor April Lincoln. Kale emerged from the bushes, picking leafs off his shirt sleeves.

"Christ," he said. "Those bitches are annoying."

My sentiments exactly.

his arms draped over it danging like spaghetti noodles.

I thought this part was hilarious for some reason! So good job on that.

Anyway I think the characters are appropriately high school but the interactin between Kale and Shay was a little irritating. I don'tknow if you meant it to be that way or not but just thought I should mention it. I thought the beginning DAMMIT!" was good. Attention grabbing. The plots seems good too. The murder saves it from being just another high school drama.

Very good. I like the story line thing in it....and the characters all seem pretty cool. Are you writing more? ? ? ? ? You totally should...unless of course you already have? ? ? hmmm these questions haunt me lol ! ! ! ! ! WEll, PM me when and If you write more.....which as I said.. you should. :L x x x x x x x x x x

Hi LibraLoo! I'm Kat and I'll be your reviewer today.

First of all, welcome to YWS! Second of all, thanks for following the 2:1 policy.

"DAMMIT!"

Just a little note here but please try to use all caps like that sparingly. It's one of the rules. However, if you just lowercase everything but the D, I think you'll be good. My brain automatically thought "Why is she cussing?", which is a good thing.

Everyone turned their head to stare at me and my best friend, Shaylee Dunham.

"...me and my best friend..." should be "...my best friend and I..." because you always state other people before you state yourself, except in some cases.

Her voice was pained.

How was her voice pained? Was it quiet and weak?

We were talking about Kale... again.

Ellipses should only be used when you're leaving something out of a sentence so instead of ellipses, what about "We were talking about Kale--again." ?

Shay was saying.

This sounds a little awkward. What about "Shay told her."?

Now Mrs. Kramer was giving the stare down of the century.

Just a little nitpick here, because it sounds fine the way it is, but what about replacing the first "the" with "us"?

She was pretty young for a teacher, early twenties maybe.

This seems like it was just thrown into the paragraph. Remember that you don't have to describe how a character looks.

She wouldn't send us down to Clemens' for profanity.

You know that but the reader doesn't. Why wouldn't she send her down to Clemens' for profanity? Are there times this has happend before and she just lectured someone, letting them off the hook? I'm guessing Clemens is the principal but you may want to say that. Instead of just Clemens', you can put "the princpal" or "Clemens, the principal".

She wasn't not even his girlfriend!!

Wasn't is a conjuction for "was not" so the extra "not" after it isn't needed.

"Guess what," I said, excited.

Since this is a question, there should be a question mark, not a comma.

"Thanks," I said actually meaning it for once.

When would she not mean it?

She was obviously staring at the cigarette in my hand. Dammit.

You use Dammit twice in one paragraph. What about changing the second one to Shit instead?

Had any of them heard the F word before?

No one used the F word, though. Maybe you meant another word?

Grammar

I didn't point out every little thing because I know that may be annoying. The biggest problem I noticed, other than the ones I pointed out, was the comma usage. You put a few in the wrong places or put ones in place that they didn't need to be. One of the easiest ways to fix that, in my opinion, is to read the story out loud. Notice where you pause for a second or two and put a comma if you pause. An English teacher may say different if you ask because there are a lot of comma rules but feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

Watch those tenses too. You did a good job of staying in past tense but you wavered a bit.

Show, don't Tell

You did a lot of telling but not showing. I know you tried. Try to imagine the characters in your head. I personally think that physical descriptions are boring but think about it in your head. If you can see them in your head, how are they interacting? Describe the expressions on their face and their body language. You don't have to describe everything, though, just enough so that they can imagine it too; let them come up with the rest with their imagination.

Don't forget to always look over your work before you post it (it fixes the typos) and to use the Spell Check feature right by Submit if you have trouble with the way a word is spelled.

I hope I helped and feel free to PM me if you need anything!

-alwaysawriter

Hey, I really like this piece I couldn't stop reading it! I came across you randomly but I'm so glad I did. I thought your writing is so realistic and ..... true is why it makes so attractive. Aprils relationship with Shay is just like me and my best friend. I loved the imagery for his arms, I can't remember exactly 'noodles' gave me a great picture and made me laugh out loud. the only tip would give you as a fellow aspiring novelist is that try to hold back slightly on the 1st chapter because I have the same thing where you want the reader to know the character as well as you do. Drop little things in and maybe come back to it later. I'd love to hear more about the Catholic schooling maybe later in it because I'd love to compare with my school see the difference.

Please right more I'm excited just by reading the first bit. Oh, by the way, thanks for the comment means a lot. Keep it up

Brown Eyed Girl x

DAMMIT!

Try to use all caps sparingly, but its best not to use all caps at all.

Up in the front row, the other Catholic kids started crossing themselves too.

At the beginning didn't you say they went to a Catholic school? Then wouldn't all the kids be crossing themselves, not just the ones in the front? Just a question,lol.

She was pretty young for a teacher, early twenties maybe. She wouldn't send us down to Clemen's for profanity.

Um the first part of this was kind of random. Maybe say something about how she always lenient or something. That would explain why she wouldn't send them down to Clemen's. Also its kind of obvious that Clemens is the principle, but maybe say that.

She wasn't not even his girlfriend!!

wasn't technically is saying was not, so you don't need the extra not.
Well just those couple things, otherwise it was really good. PM if you write anymore.

@GreatEscape: Kale and Shay's relationship is very irritating Mostly because they're based on two friends of mine who have that sort of lovey-dovey thing going on. I always try to write funny stuff. Thank you!!

@SakuraFallsSweetly♥: I actually have a lot of stuff written for this. I just have to look it over and then post it. Of course I'll PM you! Thanks!!

@alwaysawriter: Thank you for correcting my mistakes. I always appreciate people taking the time! I really need to work on that showing not telling thing you were talking about. Thank you again!

@Brown Eyed Girl: Thank you!!! I'm so glad that you relate with April and Shay's friendship. I have one like it too. And also thank you for the advice.

@Starleene: Thanks for clearing up my mistakes! The kids in the front row are crossing themselves too because they're like the suck-ups. I think I explain that somewhere later on, but I'll check. Thank you again!

You guys are sooo great! Thank you!