The legend of Leo: Chapter 2

Here is the link for chapters: Chapter 1

Hi guys, thank you for all of you who reviewed my work. Here is part two of my novel, please give it all the critiques you can throw at it! Thanks!




Chapter Two:


The room was awfully filled with a deafening snore that echoed like a siren of a police mobile. Lying flat on bed was a man sleeping and dreaming.

"Save me... Son of man..."

"You... Who are you..."

"Save me, son of man... Save me... Save me!"

"What do you mean!" he shouted as he sprang up from bed. It was her, the beautiful woman trapped in an ice coffin. He had this dream going on straight for a month.

"Wake up Aloser! Get up from bed, didn't you promise Ruby you'd send her to school!" screamed by a voice of a woman the moment the door forcibly open.

"What!" Aloser shouted, opening his sleepy eyes revealing his deep blue eyes as he scratched his head crowned by thick brown hair. "Thanks for reminding me Marigold, I almost forgot!" he said as he jumped out of bed and removed his striped shirt followed by his pajamas.

"Stop that! Why are you stripping in front of me! At least warn me idiot!"

"I'm gonna take a bath sis, I'll be over in a minute!" Aloser said as he ran off towards the bathroom. Soon the sound of dribbling water filled the room.

"He's eighteen and he hasn't changed a bit," Marigold said as she sighed while gazing at the her brother's room which appeared like it was ravaged by a tornado.


"I'm leaving Torry," Aries said as he opened the door before going out. "I'll be back before nightfall."

"Hey Aries, go buy me a pack of cigar before you head home 'kay?"

"Shut up ancient geezer, go buy one yourself!"

"Aw come on Aries!" Torry requested. His plea was answered by the intense slam of the front door. "Hmph, so hot headed. I am worried about you Aries. Will you change fate or will fate change you? I fear for a dark future about to envelope this world."


"Be careful both of you!" Marigold said. "Don't talk to strangers Ruby okay?"

"Yes big sister!" a sweet and enthusiastic voice followed which belonged to Ruby.

"We're leaving now!" Aloser said.

The wind was blowing extremely wild and too cold as it sends chills to the spine even with the sun shinning above. The trees that filled the background of the street demonstrated the effects of the cold first hand, for some was already withering. Ruby walked beside her brother while looking at him admirably.

"Gee, you sure are tall big brother."

"Ha, and handsome too don't you think?" Aloser said followed by a cheeky smile that stroked his face.

"You're ugly big brother."

"Oh come on! take that back Ruby!"

Aloser's little sister giggled as she walked with small steps along the side walk, occasionally hopping from one foot to another as she tries to keep up with the fast pace of her brother. She was looking at her six feet tall brother, admiring his broad shoulders and fair colored skin. His scarf was neatly wrapped around his prominent neck and his thick brown hair waves gracefully as the wind blew its hardest. He has full red lips, a defined cheek and a well angled nose. Aloser was perfect, to Ruby's point of view at least. She was trying to figure out what her brother was mumbling about.

"What a weird dream. She sure was pretty. Woah wait, what does this dream means! Did I just hit puberty? man, I didn't think my development was this late. Maybe I should get myself a girlfriend or somethin' so they stop for good. Yeah, that's a very good idea Aloser!" he said as he pounded his clenched right fist to his left hand.

"What are you saying big brother?"

"Oh nothing at all Ruby," the shocked Aloser replied as he waved his hands in denial. He stared at the wide blue eyes of his little sister then suddenly rubbed his hand against Ruby's shoulder length black and wavy hair.

"What was that for big brother!" Ruby said as she puffed her cheek and pouted angrily.

"Nothing, I just find my little sister so cute and adorable," Aloser replied then pinched the little one's cheek.

"We're here Ruby. Now be a good girl and listen to teacher okay? I'll pick you up after your recess, wait for me alright?"

"Yup!" Ruby said then she kissed her brother's cheek, a sure sign she understood what he said.

"Bye Ruby!" Aloser waved at his sister as their distance grew father away.


"You're scattering that horrid stench all over the place. Do you think that would help you lose me? Not a chance!"


Aloser runs from one corridor to another, turning from left and right to be just in time before he gets called.

"Janis Stronghold?"

"Present!"

"Oh, I missed someone. Aloser Seira?"

All was silent. Then a sigh from the instructor followed. "Hmmm, late again huh?"

"Stop! I'm right here!" Aloser shouted as he popped out of the door, drenched in swear while angrily looking at his instructor while he's gasping for air.

"You definitely performed a dramatic entrance. Sit down."

The rubbing noise of the chalk against the blackboard was a tone from Hell played over and over again. The clattering fingers tapping at the desk, the eyes that desperately tries to keep open and the yawning filled the room. The chill of the wind battered against the window. Alas, the moment they all waited for arrived, lunch beak, signaled by the long awaited bell ring.


Aloser has all the reason to rush for he is definitely late at fetching his little sister. We was walking with hasten steps as he passed the building crowded street. As soon as he leaves the vicinity of the congested place, he noticed a shadow drawing nearer and a foot step getting louder and louder. He gently paused and valiantly turned around and was shocked to what he saw. Nothing.

"What a lovely face you have there young man."

The voice of the woman behind him made him turn around. A woman with blood shot eyes was staring at her and he found himself unable to move moments later.

"Darn, I can't move!" Aloser said in his mind as he tried to move.

The woman was glaring at him with the intent to kill. Her fingers were shaking like crazy as it grew longer and her pale red lips revealed a pair of fangs the moment she smiled.

Aloser's heartbeat was pounding as if it were to explode, he trembled with fear as he sweated heavily. he choked as he gasped for air while the woman was drawing nearer and nearer.

The woman grinned, embraced him and removed Aloser's scarf, loosen his collar and buried her nails at his back. He felt the piercing pain that burrowed in his flesh, swallowing the agony he was about to shout out.

"Ah..." she leisurely exclaimed as she licked Aloser's neck. "It's been a while since I had a young man's blood..."

Aloser tried to gather his strength one last time, stockpiling his will power and managed to pull a belly blow that sent the woman to kneel in pain. She screamed out her pain coupled by the shock Aloser's feat brought her.

"What the hell was that! She's- she's a vampire! No way! How can that be real!" Aloser reinforced such ideas in his mind as he ran for dear life.

"Fool! You think you can outrun me!" the agile woman caught up with Aloser, grabbed his shirt and torn its back. Alley upon alley he passed until he found himself in a dead end.

"Play time's over boy... Now die!" she said as she sprinted, jumped upwards, bounced from the wall and darted herself to Aloser.

Suddenly, a man was standing in front of Aloser, stopping the woman by grasping her neck as he held his right hand, summoning a sea of flames. "I got you now, hurry up and die!" he shouted as he burned the woman up to no ashes even survived the attack.

Aloser was shocked, grateful and afraid, emotions all wrapped up in the same time. The man with a long black hair and heterochromic eyes of blue and green revealed he was of the same kind as the woman earlier with the traits he exhibited.

"What are you! Who are you people! You- you're a vampire aren't you!" Aloser shouted violently as he scoured his naive mind a rational explanation to the reigning circumstances.

"How odd, you seem to be a keen observer of the obvious," Aries replied with a sarcastic smile. "Yes, I am the nightmare of all beings, the shadow of humanity. We live in the veil of darkness, keeping low all this time to live in peace to hide our existence. Unfortunately, not all of my people are acquainted with the new life our dead bodies live. Like that woman, an ignorant fool putting my kind in hot water just to satisfy her blood lust. I thank you for helping me stop her, permanently."

"No way!" Aloser denied, "This can't be right! it's a dream right?" Aloser smile with false reassurance. "It's afternoon, you should be burning now right!"

"Oh my, it seems like you watched too much movies boy. This dream you're talking about is damn real. As for you, the secret is out. No hard feelings boy, but you should die just about now," Aries ended his sentence as he gathered flames that encircled his body and molded in a ball of fire.

"This is a dream! Wake up Aloser wake up!" he told himself as he fled away as fast as he can.

"Farewell boy!" Aries roared as he threw the ball of fire to Aloser. The flames drew nearer and nearer, almost hitting its target. The moment it was about to hit, the flames suddenly dispersed, throwing Aloser from the impact, knocking him unconscious on the ground.

"What in the world happened!" Aries growled as he walked towards Aloser. He was psyched by the event which only happened today. He is desperate for an answer. his breath was stopped with the sheer surprise his heterochromic eyes saw.

"No way! You're- impossible!" he shouted for the event took him off guard.

At the center of Aloser's back shinned in bright red the symbol of the zodiac sign Leo the lion, the one the prophecy spoke off.

What do you think? Please leave a review!

Shella's back to review your work. Sorry I waited so long to get around to this.

The room was awfully filled with a deafening snore that echoed like a siren of a police mobile.

I know this is very minor but this would sound better if you changed a to the.

Lying flat on bed was a man sleeping and dreaming.

Put the between these two words.

"Wake up Aloser! Get up from bed, didn't you promise Ruby you'd send her to school!" screamed by a voice of a woman the moment the door forcibly open.

That part is a little awkward.

The trees that filled the background of the street demonstrated the effects of the cold first hand, for some was already withering.

This should say were.

"Oh come on! take that back Ruby!"

Just capitalize this.

He has full red lips, a defined cheek and a well angled nose.

This should say had. Just so that it makes sense with the rest of the writing. Everything has to be in the same tense.

"Stop! I'm right here!" Aloser shouted as he popped out of the door, drenched in swear while angrily looking at his instructor while he's gasping for air.

I think swear should sweat. Also, you used the word while twice in this sentence.

That's enough of the nitpicks for now. There may be more but I'm not sure. As for the actual story, I have to admit that I didn't enjoy it as much as the first chapter. It just didn't captivate me. I feel like some sections were a little confusing and others were too vague. Both of these problems could probably be cleared up by adding more details. Tell me more about where the characters are. Also, the scenes where you switch characters could definitely be more clear. It took me a while to figure out what was going on there. As I said before, just add more detail to it and I'm sure you're problems will go away and this chapter will be just as good as the first.

Good luck!

Hello I am mike, and I am also too lazy to read other people's reviews (even if it's only one), so, pardon any repetition on my part. Besides, two different opinions on the whole thing are better than one, right?

The room was awfully filled with a deafening snore that echoed like a siren of a police mobile. Lying flat on bed was a man sleeping and dreaming.

First, get rid of "awfully". It just feels weird to me. Also, change "mobile" to "car". That's the far more common thing to call it.

He had this dream going on straight for a month.

This is worded oddly. Maybe put it as, "He'd had this dream every night for the past month."

"Wake up Aloser! Get up from bed, didn't you promise Ruby you'd send her to school!" screamed by a voice of a woman the moment the door forcibly open.

First, change "get up from bed". Who in the world says that? Maybe "Get out of bed" or "get out of bed", but not that. Second, period, not a comma, after "bed". Third, change "send" to "take". Sending her to school wouldn't involve him going with her, so be careful of word choice. Also put a question mark afer "school". Fourth, the last part is a bit of a mess. First you'll need to change "screamed" to "yelled" because screaming should only be used when the emotion is so extreme that the voice is shrill. To make this whole thing work better, maybe you could phrase this whole thing as...
The door flew open and a woman stormed in, yelling, "Wake up Aloser! Get out of bed! Didn't you promise Ruby You'd take her to school?"

"What!" Aloser shouted, opening his sleepy eyes revealing his deep blue eyes as he scratched his head crowned by thick brown hair.

Question mark instead of an exclamation point. If you need the emotion put it as either "What!?" or "What?!" Next, the sentence is a run on, so split it up and combine things. For example...
"What!" Aloser shouted, opening his sleepy, blue eyes. He scratched his head of thick brown hair.

"He's eighteen and he hasn't changed a bit," Marigold said as she sighed while gazing at the her brother's room which appeared like it was ravaged by a tornado.

You said "Marigold said as she sighed"... Just say "Marigold sighed." It's easier and flows hundreds of times better. Also, this sentence is once again a bit of a run on.

"Hey Aries, go buy me a pack of cigar before you head home 'kay?"

"cigars" not "cigar".

"Shut up ancient geezer, go buy one yourself!"

You need to work on your dialogues because no one would say this. Maybe "Shut up you old geezer" or "Shut up you relic" or even "shut up you ancient geezer". If you must keep it at "ancient geezer", which I strongly suggest not doing, at least have the "you" added in.

"Aw come on Aries!" Torry requested.

That's not a request. Moving on.

I fear for a dark future about to envelope this world."

This is oddly worded. Maybe "I fear that a dark future is about to envelope the world".

"Yes big sister!" a sweet and enthusiastic voice followed which belonged to Ruby.

Comma before "which". You'll always need one in places like that.

"Don't talk to strangers Ruby okay?"

You do this a lot, so I'll give you this one example. You need commas around "Ruby". Whenever you say someones name in such a fashion, you need to do this. Remember the "shut up you ancient geezer" part? You need them there too around "you ancient geezer".

The wind was blowing extremely wild and too cold as it sends chills to the spine even with the sun shinning above.

This sentence is a mess of run ons, wrong use of past and present tense, and of the fact that it's simply confusing, so much so that I'm not going to try and tackle it and present my own interpretation.

The trees that filled the background of the street demonstrated the effects of the cold first hand, for some was already withering.

Never refer to any part of the world as the "background". That just screams "fake". The real world has no backgrounds. And change "was" to "were".

Aloser said followed by a cheeky smile that stroked his face.

This is a little weird. Maybe "Aloser said, smiling cheekily." This works just fine. You need to try and start combining sentences and such so that you don't repeat unnecessary things.

I've got to stop for now since I've got church, but here's my last few sense before I go.

1) You really, really need to work on your sentence structure. You have numerous run ons that basically say the same thing, or could be altered so that it's all said without tiring the reader. You need to start searching for these instances.

2) Work on your use of commas.

3) Definitely work on your dialogue. It was very unconvincing most of the time and the characters worded things so oddly that they may have just as well been from a different country with a different language. Try studying how people talk in real life.

Well, that's everything. It seems like this could be good, but you just need to pay more attention to your story. With that done, I'm sure it will be a very interesting read. Good luck with the rest of this and I'll try to review more when I get back.

Thank you for the reviews. I would find time to edit this chapter sometime in the future. The sentence structure has some flaws so I'll try to make up for it in the next chapter. The development of the story may be off, so I'll work out the progress of the next installation so it would be worth all your time. =)