Inspiration....

ok..its been a while. Heres a new one.




When you're at the top,
With nothing to lose..
Dont let your gaurd down, You'll just get used.

Dont give up
Through the good times and the bad.
Keep your head up,
Say I will be glad.

When you're struggling to stand,
Everything is crashing down,
Just stand strong,
And God will hold your hand.

And when you do slip up,
And your world starts to tumble..
Dont give up.
Because all of us stumble.

Dont give up,
Stand at the top of your mountain with pride.
Knowing you did right,
With your cup overflowing inside.

You can do it...
Dont give up!
You've come to far to turn around now...
You can make it to the top.
Even when you're surrounded by a rain cloud.

The rain will always come,
Just approach your fears with a smile.
You've lived your whole life for this one day.

A day when you reach Gods arms,
Then you'll realize you've truly learned the value
of trust,love, and loyalty.

It'll be then when you realize that this is where you are to stay.
It was worth the rain..
It was worth the pain.

You may have a few stains,
But your promise is now here to claim.
It was all worth it when the pain and hurt left you stunned...
Because now,
God's whispering in your ear,
Well done.

Hello Kaityjay. I have to say that this poem didn't strike me that much. I mean, this could be very moving and inspirational if done just right, but you're not quite there yet.

One issue here is that your rhythm and flow are off. Some lines are way too long compared to the others. An example:

Don't give up

Through the good times and the bad.

Keep your head up,

Say I will be glad.

The second line is far too long compared to everything else. And in the last line, the shift in point of view is a bit disorienting. Here, I notice your rhyme scheme is ABCB for most of the verses.

And that brings me to my next point:

You can do it...

Dont give up!

You've come to far to turn around now...

You can make it to the top.

Even when you're surrounded by a rain cloud.



The rain will always come,

Just approach your fears with a smile.

You've lived your whole life for this one day.



A day when you reach Gods arms,

Then you'll realize you've truly learned the value

of trust,love, and loyalty.



It'll be then when you realize that this is where you are to stay.

It was worth the rain..

It was worth the pain.



You may have a few stains,

But your promise is now here to claim.

It was all worth it when the pain and hurt left you stunned...

Because now,

God's whispering in your ear,

Well done.

Your structure is very scattered in the second half of the poem. You have some that are five lines, three, and six. In structured poetry, which is what I thought this would be, it's very disconcerting. The rhymes are also very different, which makes things a bit odd. If you intend to keep this structured, then I suggest you pick a rhyme scheme and a set number of lines per verse.

Now, that is my next point. Rhymes. Your rhymes sound forced, like you just put them there for the sake of having something to rhyme with. This isn't good. I suggest that, to go with your seemingly unstructured poem, you forgo rhyming altogether. Poems don't have to rhyme, and none of the impact would be lost if you went for unsctructured poetry.

All in all, the message was okay. You could have improved on it and made conveying of the message a lot clearer, but that would take a major rewrite. Try to refine the poem a little more, touch up on the rhymes and rhythm. Feel free to PM me if you need anything cleared up!

Hiya! I'm Peanut. I love poetry, and reviewing it, so, here I be!

nit- picks

When you're at the top,

With nothing to lose..

Dont let your gaurd down, You'll just get used.

"dont" needs to be "don't". Never ignore apostrophes! "gaurd" is spelled incorrect. It should be "guard".
I think the last line should be more like this;
"Don't let your guard down,
for you we be used."
A little better? I think it flows a little better.

You may have a few stains,
But your promise is now here to claim.
It was all worth it when the pain and hurt left you stunned...
Because now,
God's whispering in your ear,
Well done.

This stanza sticks out like a sore thumb. At least try to divide it a little better, just so it goes along with the other stanzas! It isn't good for the flow or the look of the poem.

Over- all

Hello Kaityjay. I have to say that this poem didn't strike me that much. I mean, this could be very moving and inspirational if done just right, but you're not quite there yet.

I agree with WaterVyper, I think you could've done a much better job with a little harder work and concentration. You did a good job though

Write on! ~Peanut

Wow I do not know what to say. I had a friend over and showed it to her and she thought that was amazing. Thumbs up for you, well done. That truly made my day and personally wow. I don't know but you are an amazing writer and that was so awesome. Keep writing.



Love unicyclegurl!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the help guys.

I will restructure my grammer or whatever..I get lazy.

It was something i jotted down because my boyfriend has been having a hard time with different

things and its all I could do for his situation was encourage him.

However, my poem wasn't supposed to be structured. Sort of like life i guess.

You never know what to expect, and I didn't want my poem to be all in form.

But thanks for your ideas. I'll probably change a few things.

I love this poem, it is very inspireing.

When you're at the top,
With nothing to lose..
Dont let your gaurd down, You'll just get used.

Dont give up
Through the good times and the bad.
Keep your head up,
Say I will be glad.

When you're struggling to stand,
Everything is crashing down,
Just stand strong,
And God will hold your hand.

And when you do slip up,
And your world starts to tumble..
Dont give up.
Because all of us stumble.

These last couple stanzas were a little repetitive, but it works for this particular poem. I especially liked the part about God holding you're hand.

Dont give up,
Stand at the top of your mountain with pride.
Knowing you did right,
With your cup overflowing inside.

The one thing I don't get in this poem is the line about the cup. It sounds good, and I get what you mean, I've just never heard this kind of comparrison.

You can do it...
Dont give up!
You've come to far to turn around now...
You can make it to the top.
Even when you're surrounded by a rain cloud.

The rain will always come,
Just approach your fears with a smile.
You've lived your whole life for this one day.

I like how this part says that bad things will always happen, but you can always make it through.

A day when you reach Gods arms,
Then you'll realize you've truly learned the value
of trust,love, and loyalty.

It'll be then when you realize that this is where you are to stay.
It was worth the rain..
It was worth the pain.

You may have a few stains,
But your promise is now here to claim.
It was all worth it when the pain and hurt left you stunned...
Because now,
God's whispering in your ear,
Well done.[/quote]
I love how it end with you reaching heaven and finally being with god.
One nit-pick is that all the lines are capitalized. You should change the uppercase to lowercase accordingly with you're sentences.
Amazing poem.