This was really amazing! It was a great use of imagery and expressed a really passionate opinion that came through. The abstract use of words like "sipped a soul" made it truly incredible. Definitely a great read!
Gorgeous. I loved it. Not much to critique, except MAYBe you might want to make the word 'monster' fit in a little better. The rest of the poem is fluid, smooth, and then, bam, a single word.
On second thought, do't. It rather brings the reader back into the harsh reality. Like, you become so absorbed in picturing this creature, that you forget it's not supposed to be a beautiful thing. Then that one-liner just thrusts you back into reality - you're reading about something that's not gorgeous.
I'm
an Atheist, a young teen girl, someone who loves Harry Potter and hates Twilight, someone who doesn't see deepness in everything, a person who has never suffered from any diseases of any sort.
I'm average, but...
I was all mouth at first-
A fleshy ring of anxious need-
Insatiable. (Doesn't work too well)
I hatched a belly to gorge (Again with hunger, if you eat you need a belly)
And poked a hollow navel to remind that I am (Remind that I am...empty? Awkward)
Empty.
I grew legs to propel me from this hunger (from hunger or by hunger?)
And arms, to grasp at anything-
Urgent. ( does not work well)
I sprouted eyes to look like everyone else, (eyes do not make you look like everyone else. They see.)
And donned clothes to hide myself from them- (Again...from who.)
Profane. (still no sense)
I plucked out hands to create the New (why caps on New?)
And feet to stamp all else to (sounds like you are using ruin to finish...)
Ruin.
I stretched a cord so I could say, (speak.)
And a brain burbled to believe, that I am (burbled...odd word choice for this line)
Human.
I sipped a soul so I could pray
And hammered a heart to love and hate-
Selfish.
The need is greater than all my parts.
I am still just a mouth,
All teeth, tongue, and want.
A monster.
---------------
Ya this really didn't go over so well with me. If you are going to do a poem on carnal humanism, this is really not the way to go about it. Most of the middle and beginning stanzas didn't flow or make much sense to the whole. Also, advertising 'Creationists beware' you are inviting problems. Be more subtle if you don't want people taking it against you for this work. Many people should and WILL find wrong in your view of humanity and when put like this, its hard to imagine why not.
loved it. great writing style.
