Twenty

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This is my entry for the twisted love writing contest. I was really timeless. I hope you'll like it. It is my first prose. :D
I'll be transforming this into a novel soon. For now, let this fell short...





Twenty



“No way!” Freya cried as she looked unto her father with her whimpering eyes. She stood frail with her red hair dispersed while her medieval silver tiara crown remained out of place.

“How disdainful!” her father exclaimed as he raised his first finger adorned with gold rings towards her daughter. “You weren’t brought up to oppose my will and pursue your futile way of life. Such a disgrace!” his voice resounding the entire hall. Fortunately, there isn’t anyone around besides them.

“Father, please!” she muttered with a pitiful voice.

A few seconds later, she fell on her knees while tears continued to burst out from her eyes. Her pale-blue satin court dress could be spotted with wet patches- definitely from her tears. She laid out her hands- showing her light complexion- in a thorough manner, reaching the tip of her father’s cape.

“Never will I let you throw away our dignity” her father told her, pulling off his cape.

“Now, rise and follow my command!”

“But… Father!”

“My daughter, I have given you everything you deserved. This is the first time I have ever asked you a favor and will be the last time if you obeyed.” his father told her as he helped her daughter stand up with his precious hands.

Freya retrieved her hands as she spoke. “Indeed, your highness. But this one I don’t deserve. I would rather marry a thief, a peasant or any other low-classes than to marry a disgusting, horrible, ugly little ELF!”

His father grimaced then yelled “You…”and a soft growl began to developed on his chest, “Follow or-” a feeling of reassurance emerged before the second option “DIE!”

As if a severe concussion appeared on Freya’s mind as she heard the second option. Though she knew how her Father, the emperor of Midgard- the only land inhabited by humans- was very factual to his words, she would not, in this instance, be under his threat nor be subjected to his will.

On the first place, I am his daughter and ending up being murdered by him is really an undignified thing to do and dignity is what was being defended in this alarming conversation. She thought.

Standing by her side (point-of-view), Freya spoke with strong conviction “With all due respect-” she paused and looked into his father’s green eyes fiercely with her blue one “Emperor Charles Lucian, I, Freya Lucian will follow NOT your command!”

Emperor Lucian was suddenly wrapped with wrath. He was afraid of ending up in this way.

As Freya started to turn her back and walk away without any last glance, her father, Emperor Lucian, suddenly put out his scepter- a scepter infused with various supernatural powers- and pointed directly to her daughter.

Probably, an elf- perhaps with royal blood- once owned this such that Emperor Lucian just acquired this after having dug up the land just before the Midgard-Alfheim Boundary, which separated the human world with that of the light elves, during the completion of his Underground Tunnel Project. Though he knew very well that that elf still exists- for they are immortal- he still owned this without any second thought apparently because of its rareness and the power it could give.

Then Emperor Lucian screamed “You, excessive one, your heart is that of the lion. Now-” then he hollered out in a very charming manner “val Ed' i'ear ar' elenea, ANGIM THANGA YASSEN TEMPLA ILLE!” (Translated as: By the power of the sea and star, I CURSE YOU!)

“The moment you heart fall in love, you’ll suffer DEATH!”

After, Emperor Lucien sang in a very enrapturing manner that Freya suddenly felt a short hysteria. Yet, bending over backwards, she continued to escape this delusion, stepping away, little by little.

Her feet seemed to be stuck between a rock and a hard metal until she reached the golden door adorned with precious gemstones. A feeling of relief occurred as she moved out from the private sitting hall- a hall packed with remarkable conversations that changed her entire life- to the center hall.

She never thought of ending up this way. She wanted to compromise but rather not. Her relationship to his father was severely ruined yet, she just fought for herself. For her own good. For her own freedom. For her own fate- her life.

She knew very well that this marrying-to-an-elf resolve is for the benefit of the entire humanity. Once she marry that elf and once they exchange sacred vows- though not done with love- the whole Midgard and Alfheim will be merged together. Thus, because of having a more superior territory, Alfheim will be under the jurisdiction of Midgard. And apparently, more power to the emperor of humans and that’s to his father.

Hence, how could Frey, the god of light-elves allow this kind of commitment?

One thing is for sure, since that Alfheim (Quendi, as what the elves called their entire land) is subdivided into different territorial-clans, where each kings is autonomously given power and sovereignty to each territories and to each clans as well- Elrond for instance, the Vanyar (Fair elves) king- then, one elf-king must have also resolved in this kind of commitment. And that’s maybe because of the recession happening to their territory.

As Freya headed towards the exit of the house, these were the fantasies that came to her.

Passing by the corridors with miserable face, she could clearly see the confused and confounded faces of the knights, slaves and even that of the earls, barons and viscounts. If they only knew what had happened and what is she going to do- escaping and planning not to return back forever- they could have ceased her and locked inside her room or even put into a dungeon. Luckily, they aren’t any orders released and declared so, they just continued what they have been doing and continued to think of stupid reasons, a million of miles different compared to the real happening.

Freya reached the grand gate and saw two knights guarding the passageway. They prohibited her from moving out- their top most purpose for guarding- but Freya insisted and pulled off her hands from their strong hands. “I am now allowed” she said as she removed her tiara crown and gave to the guards. “To Prove, I am no longer your master’s daughter. From now on, I am just Freya Lucian, or just simply Freya, going to live ordinarily”. Shocked, the two guards felt numb, as if severely paralyzed.

As soon as she saw the two guards frozen, she opened the grand gate and passed through the silver arc designed with humanoid statues- statue of the liberty and the Oblation- signifying FREEDOM. At last, she had conquered her thirst for freedom. She is now free.

As she steeped out, a big grin flashed on her face. It was her first time to feel the soft breeze of the outside world. For eighteen years, she was not allowed to go out from the palace. She was confined inside those big halls. And now is the time to bid goodbye to those vast halls or she thought “vast hell”.

She continued to wander until she realized she had nowhere to go. Hence, it was better this way than to be lost inside a devil’s cradle. She looked over her shoulders and saw that dreaded palace. A stupendous distance lies between them.

She remained tackling the Emperor’s Drive until she saw a small town down the road. She headed towards that town with a feeling of enthusiasm. As she reached the town, she saw a small sign engraved in a cheap metal in front of her that’s read as “Welcome to Pontera”

Curiosity flashed on her face as she saw peasants and vendors crowding on a town square with their mini inventories arranged in a very disarray manner inside their stalls made up of tacky woods. The same impression can be seen on their faces as they looked at her wandering.
Freya heard their mumbles and hubbubs. She realized then that she is wearing a very elegant court dress while each and every one around her is wearing his/her usual shorts and shirts and trousers and blouses. More, her light skin complexion did not match their yellowish one. Her stature too was towering over those in her gender- males were of her height. She smiled to herself and continued straying.

She looked up the sky and saw how cloudy it is. The sun seemed to be hiding on one of those clouds but, the temperature here seemed to be higher. Maybe because of the heat generated by the compression of these people, she told herself.

She remained wandering on her flat shoes- luckily she wore one. Beads of sweat poured down on her face- first time in her history. As she wiped her forehead with her hands that blocked her view, she accidentally bumped herself with a man.

“Ouch!” she grumbled.

“Oh! My apologies, my dear. I did not mean it” the man exclaimed.

Freya looked at the man and was astonished. The man seemed to be different from other town’s men. He wore a golden tunic with a silver belt on his waist- showing his perfect body figure- and a black pants designed with assorted silver geometric patterns throughout that suits his long legs. He looked very much elven, an elf, without his slippers. Besides his unusual protruding ears, his face is beautiful. Perfectly human.

“Are you hurt?” the man spoke, cutting her astonishment.

“I…er… I’m fine” Freya muttered.

“Great” the man exclaimed “By the way, my pleasure to meet ye.”

“Ruslan” he muttered lifting his pale right hand. He intended to shake hands.

Freya looked at his hands with curiosity. She hasn’t had an encounter like this. She never knew that she must shake hands.

“Oh… Freya” she said and instead of shaking hands, she let her cheek touched his.

Ruslan was surprised. He did not know what she meant by that either. Then he looked at Freya, who is smiling at him, with a blush on his pale cheeks.

Freya looked at his golden eyes. She felt something indescribable. Something magical. Something mysteriously exquisite that seemed to be very fragile, very delicate that must be kept with prior significance.

Love at first sight.

For over eighteen years, this is the very first time she fell in love. Her heart beats faster as she remained her gazed locked in his eyes.

As for Ruslan, she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. Her beauty is that of Venus, though he had not yet had a glimpse of Venus. She is unique.

“You alright… my dear?” Ruslan asked softly.

“Ah… er… Absolutely” Freya said gently removing her gaze.

“Ah, okay. You seemed to be different compared to anyone in here. Where did you come from?” he asked. Not curious.

“Where… did… I… come… from?” Freya repeated with short pauses in between each words.

Ruslan nodded.

“I…umm…just there…somewhere there. I am not really sure.”

“Oh, too bad. You seemed lost. Can I help you?” Ruslan asked. Now, concerned.

“Of course. That’s great!” Freya exclaimed.

“So, how?”

“Er…” Freya said as she looked at the cemented floor. “Honestly, I… have nowhere to go. I stowed away.”

“But, why?”

“It’s a very long story. I doubt if you can catch up with it.”

“Alright. Then-”

“HEY SCAMPS, MOVE OUT!” someone shouted and a loud horn followed. They have been blocking the way since they started the conversation. The small truck loaded with vegetables can’t go on. Another loud horn followed.

“My apologies sire,” Ruslan said in a gentle, sorry manner. Then he held Freya’s wrist and moved off the road as the truck passed by.

“So, where are we?” Freya asked shaking her hands off Ruslan. Blushing again.

“Oh, I would like to ask if you would like to… umm… stay in my house until things go better.”
“I mean… until you have resolved your problem and ready to go back home” Ruslan added.

“For Free?” Freya asked.

“For a fair lady like you, Absolutely!”

“Oh… then…Thank You. But…”

“Worry not my dear, I will not harm you.”

“That’s… That’s not it…”

They paused for a few seconds and looked at each other.

Freya’s hesitation was merely due to her feeling. She was afraid that this feeling- if already is Love- would go deeper. And, she could not forget herself being curse by her own father. If things went the way she thought they would, she’ll surely die.

But at this point, she is presented with another problem, wherein the solution is, at the same time, presented. She have nowhere to go and Ruslan has been offering a place for her to go.

“Alright then. I accept your offer. I owe you one.” Freya said with a smile. As for her, only a little self-control would make things better.

“Excellent” Ruslan muttered


* * *

They arrived safely at Ruslan’s small shelter. It was already dark- as they still used their time getting to know each other while chatting on different restaurants and having Freya toured around the town- and the moon enlightens the entire village. This village, where Ruslan’s house is located, was three kilometers away from the town square. Unlike a while ago, it is far peaceful here.

Ruslan’s house was built up from mixed sturdy woods and cement. Outside it is a small porch covered with small bushes and flowers.

“Beautiful!” Freya exclaimed as she picked up a rose “Who planted all these?”

“Er… I did!” Ruslan told her.

“Excellent! I would surely love living in this place!” Freya exclaimed as she jogged towards the door.
Ruslan opened the door. Inside were different furniture made up of sturdy woods arranged perfectly. The small bulb was on- lighting up almost the entire living room adjoined by the dining room. It is quite narrow inside. There were a lot of things inside- compressed.

“Wow! Good evening to everyone!” Freya greeted.

“Haha!” Ruslan laughed. “Unfortunately, I am the only one who lives here.”

“Ha?” Freya murmured- abashed.

“Oh. Sorry I never told you”

“It’s… fine. But, where’s your family?”

“Ah, They… they’re all… gone”

“But why?”

“Oh, umm… It’s a long story!” Ruslan simulated. A big grin flashed on his face.

“Fine.” Freya said as she headed towards the wooden couch and sat.

“So, what do you want to eat? For dinner.” Ruslan asked while heading for the kitchen which is just across.

“Oh… I’m still full. Thanks anyway. And also for the food and the clothes that you bought me a while ago. I am really sorry for not having any penny with me. But I swear that I will pay you back immediately. For now, let me just help you on …. Housekeeping!” Freya exclaimed with so much joy.

“Hmmn… It’s so nice of you. It looks very interesting to have you in a shelter. By the way, your room will be the room at your right. I hope you’ll like it.” Ruslan told her without giving any look. He is busy preparing the food.

Freya stood up and walked towards the room. As soon as she reached the door, she opened it and saw a very elegant wooden bed covered with pink floral blankets and a small lampshade beside. The pink thick curtains hang loosely as they beckoned with the rhythm of the breeze. The bloody red wall did work well with the brown tiles of the floor.

“Wow!” she exclaimed. Then, she smelled something exhortative. She looked over her shoulders and saw the food Ruslan has cooked, now at the tiny dining table.

“Hmmn” she sighed “Very appetizing!”

“Haha. You’re free to eat!” Ruslan muttered “C’mon. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth”.

Freya smiled sweetly. She proceeded to the dining table and sat.

“Chow down!” Ruslan exclaimed with a burst of exuberance.

As they polished off the oriental style dish, Freya suddenly agnized something.

“By the way, why is that room so lovely? I mean, as if it was carefully designed for a lady. Did you have any relationship with someone?

Ruslan grinned. “Hopefully”

“Ha?” Freya uttered. Confused.

“Hopefully I will be committed to someone” he said in a very recognizable voice.

“Then, why it is-”

“Because I have sensed you coming” he said immediately that Freya failed to continue her statement.

Suddenly, Freya was wrapped with surprise and confusion as she finished the food on her plate.

Ruslan smiled sweetly and then spoke “You seem full. Have a good night!” Then he stood up and held the plates with his both hands and put at the sink.

A few seconds later, she stood up and went to her bedroom.


* * *

The sunlight was directly brightening up Freya’s face as she opened her eyes. She fell asleep as she was in reverie last evening. She forgot to wash up. She rose up immediately and went directly to the bathroom. Luckily, Ruslan wasn’t up yet or else, he might just laugh at her for not washing up.

The bathroom was far from what she was accustomed with. There wasn’t any tub, just a shower. She felt a little agitated but there wasn’t anything she can do. More, the toilet bowl was just beside the shower- just a piece of thin curtain separate the two. She showered and dressed up with a red skirt and a velvet blouse.

She looked for a time piece but she couldn’t find any. She just thought of preparing breakfast for Ruslan but she doesn’t know how. Instead, she just proceeded with the housekeeping though it is her first time to do it.

A few seconds later, Ruslan was up and went out of the room. As he opened the door, he saw Freya sweeping the floor uncomfortably. He smiled.

Freya turned her back and saw him smiling. She smiled in return and after laughed. She realized that Ruslan was still wearing the same clothing he was wearing yesterday.

They spent the whole day with so much laughter and a lot of learnings.


* * *


Days, Weeks, Months had passed. They got to know each other very well. They found each other in a very profound love with each other but they haven’t told each other yet. Freya for instance, was controlling her feeling with all her force but it just won’t subside.

They were eating their lunch as usual when Ruslan spoke with prior sincerity.

“I am an elf.”

“Wh…at?” Freya said. Surprised.

“I am a Peredhil, a Halfling. Half human and half elf” he muttered.

Freya was still in shock. She never thought of Ruslan being an elf though he has been showing some signs. What kept her very hard to accept this truth is her insight towards elf. She could never tell her secret- the reason why she is now in front of him- for she knew very well that it could hurt his feelings. She refused from being married to an elf- because of its fearsome looks. She never knew that an elf could look like this- very far from how she described it for herself. Abash flashed on her face.

But at some point, this is a different story. She loves Ruslan very much. She is in love with an elf badly.

“It’s… er …. Great!” she exclaimed. “Honestly, I never know an elf could look like this. Very… lovable!”

A huge grin flashed on Ruslan’s face.

“I love you” he said sincerely.

Freya’s heart beat faster. Her feelings indescribable- mixed misery and joyfulness.
They both looked into each other’s eyes- forgetting the food on the table. A few seconds later, Freya spoke softly. She is now very determined to tell him the whole happening that changed her life.


* * *


They both went to the palace. Ruslan wanted to ascertain the story behind Emperor Lucian’s scepter. For instance, he once owned a scepter. He dug it under the boundary line- as an offering- so that he could enter MIdgard, the human world. He was the son of King Orome, king of Lathrim, from a human, Erica. The human-elf commitment was badly prohibited. So, the two of them separated immediately and Ruslan was left on the hands of King Orome. Ruslan grew up well on a very hidden place that no elf had the knowledge of he being King Orome’s son. But as his human characteristics were becoming prominent, his father planned to kill him before news spread out that could throw away his father’s glory. And as soon as Ruslan knew this, he evaded.

Once he has proven that he owned the scepter, he could easily cease the curse. A piece of cake. Hope hatched on their minds.

As soon as they reached the palace, Freya led the way towards the grand gate. She was quivering. But with Ruslan’s hand on hers, she felt very safe, very protected.

She pushed a silver button at the gate and a few seconds later, the knights opened the gate. Surprised.

“Welcome back madam!” the knights exclaimed monotonously with reverberating voices.

“I would like to see Emperor Lucian, at once” said Freya, commanding.

“At once madam” the major-domo said.

The major-domo led the way to the private sitting hall.

As soon as they reached the door heading to the hall, the major-domo asked “May I know thy name sir?”

“Ruslan, Ruslan Ur” he said in a gentle way.

The major-domo nodded and then proceeded to the room. After a few seconds, he let them in.

“Freya Lucian, it’s good to see you again” Emperor Lucian said in a very shuddery manner.

“And who is that?” he said, locking his gaze to Ruslan particularly- to his ears. “An Elf?”

“I’m afraid I am” Ruslan said with a gentle smile on his face.

Emperor Lucian laughed. “After your entire unacceptable refusal and your stupid resolution, you came to present yourself with an elf that you refused strongly. Anyway, you just came in the right time.”

Then someone entered the room. Elves, four of its kind. But, they are different from how Ruslan looks like. They are really horrible with their wrinkled faces and white hair. Their short stature did not match their deep green tunic and pants. Though two of them appeared to be really wealthy with their scepters and gold accessories on their bodies, those do not suit them. They are really elves. The elves Freya had described for herself.

“It’s my pleasure to have you here” Emperor Lucian said in a very pleasing manner “Elen sila lumenn omentilmo”. (Translated as: A star shall shine on the hour of our meeting)

“Vedui'!” (Greetings) said King Orome as he looked at Ruslan with fiercing eyes.

Ruslan took a step back. Fear flashed on his face.

“Fa-” Ruslan spoke but was interrupted by Emperor Lucian’s voice.

“My daughter, this is Viel Ur, your future HUSBAND and King Orome Ur, his Father. They came here to process your betrothal.”

The two elves took a bow. They looked very like each other. Ugly.

“No Way!” Freya cried.

Emperor Lucian put a fake smile on his face on looked at the two elves. They were emotionless.

“I’ll remove your curse only if you follow my command” Emperor Lucian whispered.

Silence embraced the entire hall as Freya pondered. And Ruslan and King Orome exchanging ferocious gazes. Viel remained emotionless while Emperor Lucian remained tensed.

“But… I have already fallen in love!” Freya exclaimed, surprising everyone.

Suddenly he moved closer to Ruslan and let her lips touched his. Ruslan felt a little surprised but kissed her back. Freya felt smug.

Every one watching felt numb- shocked.

“Grrr” Emperor Lucian sighed with anger then put out his scepter.

Ruslan’s face was wrapped with mixed shock and joy as she saw the scepter. It was his.
“I own that!” Ruslan exclaimed with so much joy.

Freya felt very relieved. Then she looked at her father with a teasing stare.

Emperor Lucian knew very well that whatever he spells out would be ineffective. He, then, felt very abashed as he looked at King Orome and Viel.

“What a very dramatic scene. At any cost, let’s continue the bethrotal” Emperor Lucian muttered. Then he cried out loud “Knights, throw this intruder into prison!”

In no time, the knights were inside the hall and then clinched Ruslan. Ruslan kept on pulling off her hands and defying.

“NO!” Freya shouted furiously as she helped Ruslan be released.

“Father!” Ruslan cried out.

“How dare you! I’m not your father and will never be!” Emperor Lucian exclaimed.

“Who told you it’s you?!” Ruslan shouted.

The elves gathered around exchanged gazes of confusion while King Orome remained jittery, tensed.

“King Orome, my father!” Ruslan cried out. Finally.

The two elves, which were marTaur'amandiler (druids), were appalled.

“Now, throw him!” Emperor Lucian commanded.

“Do not!” one of the two elves- Elwing- cried out “Your highness, please leave him for a while”. The elf was looking at Emperor Lucian.

“Hmmn… Alright.” Emperor Lucian sighed.

“No, throw him into the dungeon. NOW!” King Orome shouted with a blast at the last word.

“Al-” Emperor Lucian muttered but was interrupted as the other elf- Feanor- sang in a very enrapturing manner.

A few seconds later, silence filled the hall again. Everyone felt numb. Then the Elwing sang in a different tune as he looked on King Orome’s golden eyes and then looked at Ruslan’s.

On the spur of the moment, everything was back to normal.


* * *


Everything went on as it was considered by Freya and Ruslan.

The betrothal of Freya and Viel did not take its place. King Orome was dispatched from his thrown. The hymn of Elwing clearly proved that Ruslan was King Orome’s son. And so, he had just committed a crime- having a child without admitting it. It must have been a double crime only if commitment with a human was still prohibited.

Hence, Emperor Lucian, too, was dispatched from his thrown. His undignified resolution- having her daughter be married forcefully- made him lost the mandate of heaven.

At this point, Freya and Ruslan took their sacred vow and married each other. Lathrim and Midgard were merged together in a very peaceful manner as Duke Ruslan Ur and Dutchess Freya Ur reigned over the Dutchy of Midthrim- as what they called the merged lands.

“I love you” Freya said in a very sweet manner as she let her lips touch Ruslan.

“I love you more” Ruslan muttered as he kissed her back.

“And we love you and we’ll continue to care for you” they both said monotonously as they locked their gazes on the crowd in front of them. They were having a State of the World Address.

Though it was just an excuse in front of their people, they really love each other. As a matter of fact, they were blessed with twenty one twenty children- five humans, five elves and ten Halflings. Not bad eh?
Last edited by nevermore on Mon May 04, 2009 6:35 am, edited 2 times in total.




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First, grammar corrections. Really take this into consideration... It's only in a spoiler because I don't wanna fill your entire screen with it. 30 pages in word - no joke.

[spoiler]
Red = My corrections or suggestions.
Bold = My comments.
Underline = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Red Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
= I started new paragraph.

“No way!” Freya cried as she looked unto “unto” is an archaic way of saying either ‘to’ or ‘until’ – definitely not what you’re looking for here. Try a different word her father with [s]her[/s] whimpering eyes. She stood frail with her red hair dispersed; [s]while[/s] her medieval silver tiara crown [s]remained[/s] out of place.

“How disdainful!” Her father exclaimed as he raised his first finger, adorned with gold rings, towards her daughter. “You weren’t brought up to oppose my will and pursue your futile way of life. Such a disgrace!” his voice resounded through the entire hall. Fortunately, though, there isn’t Tense disagreement… Pick either past or present, but don’t use both. anyone around besides them.

“Father, please!” She muttered with a pitiful voice.

A few seconds later, she fell on her knees while tears continued to burst out from her eyes. Maybe it’s just personal opinion, but I don’t like the particular use you’re giving ‘while’ in this sentences… it would flow much better if you said, for example, A few seconds later, she fell on her knees, tears still bursting from her eyes. Her pale-blue, satin court-dress could be spotted with wet patchesdefinitely from her tears. She laid out her hands – showing her light complexion – in a thorough manner, reaching the tip of her father’s cape.

“Never will I let you throw away our dignity.Her father told her, pulling off his cape.

“Now, rise and follow my command!”

“But… Father!”

“My daughter, I have given you everything you deserved. This is the first time I have ever asked you a favor, and it will be the last time, if you obey[s]ed[/s].” his father It’s obviously still her dad speaking, so try a pronoun. told her as he helped her [s]daughter[/s] stand up with his precious hands.

Freya retrieved her hands as she spoke, “Indeed, your highness. But this one I don’t deserve. I would rather marry a thief, a peasant, or any other low-classes, than to marry a disgusting, horrible, ugly little ELF!”

His father grimaced, and then yelled, “You…” [s]and[/s] a soft growl began to developed in his chest. “Follow or-” a feeling of reassurance emerged before the second option. “DIE!”

As if a severe concussion appeared on Freya’s mind as she heard the second option. As if… what? Total fragment… Either omit the ‘as if’ or finish the thought. Though she knew how her Father, the emperor of Midgard – the only land inhabited by humans – was very factual to his words, she would not, in this instance, be under his threat, nor be subjected to his will.

In the first place, I am Huh? How did this suddenly become first person? his daughter, and ending up being murdered by him is really an undignified thing to do and dignity is what was being defended in this alarming conversation. She thought. Too much use of ‘and’ …reword.

Standing by her side, Freya How can she be standing by her own side? spoke with strong conviction, “With all due respect-” she paused and looked fiercely into his father’s green eyes with her blue one. Does she only have one eye? O.o “Emperor Charles Lucian, I, Freya Lucian will not follow your command!” Use italics to show emphasis in a word, not caps.

Emperor Lucian was suddenly wrapped with wrath. He was afraid of ending up in this way.

As Freya started to turn her back and walk away without any last glance, her father, Emperor Lucian, I think you’ve established this already, no need to be redundant. suddenly put out his scepter – one infused with various supernatural powers – and pointed it directly at his daughter.

Probably, an elf- perhaps with royal blood- once owned this such that Emperor Lucian just acquired this after having dug up the land just before the Midgard-Alfheim Boundary, which separated the human world with that of the light elves, during the completion of his Underground Tunnel Project. What? Though he knew very well that that elves still exist[s]s[/s] – for they are immortal – he still owned this without any second thought, apparently because of its rareness and the power it could give.

Then Emperor Lucian screamed, “You, excessive one, your heart is that of the lion. Now-” then he hollered out in a very charming manner “val Ed' i'ear ar' elenea, ANGIM THANGA YASSEN TEMPLA ILLE!” Don’t use all caps – the exclamation mark already states you’re screaming, and it just makes it look unprofessional. (Translated as: By the power of the sea and star, I CURSE YOU!)

“The moment your heart falls in love, you’ll suffer DEATH!” [b]Ohhh, interestinggg… But again, no caps.


After, Emperor Lucien sang in a very enrapturing manner that Freya suddenly felt a short hysteria. Yet, bending over backwards, she continued to escape this delusion, stepping away, little by little.

Her feet seemed to be stuck between a rock and a hard metal until she reached the golden door adorned with precious gemstones. A feeling of relief occurred as she moved out from the private sitting hall – a hall packed with remarkable conversations that changed her entire life – to the center hall.

She never thought of ending up this way. She wanted to compromise, but rather not. Her relationship with her father was severely ruined; yet, she just fought for herself – for her own good, [s]For[/s] her own freedom. For her own fate – her own life.

She knew very well that this marrying-to-an-elf resolve was for the benefit of the entire humanity. Once she married that elf, and once they exchange sacred vows – though not done with love – the whole Midgard and Alfheim would be merged together. Thus, because of having a more superior territory, Alfheim would be under the jurisdiction of Midgard. And, apparently, more power to the emperor of humans – her father.

Hence, how could Freythe god of light-elvesallow this kind of commitment?

One thing was for sure, since [s]that[/s] Alfheim – Or Quendi, as [s]what[/s] the elves called their entire landis subdivided into different territorial-clans, where each kings is autonomously given power and sovereignty over each territory and [s]to[/s] each clan[s]s[/s] as well – Elrond for instance, the Vanyar (Fair elves) king – This just adds confusion, and it’s a name that doesn’t mean anything at the moment… I’d say just omit, or at least reword… you have an entire paragraph that’s a sentence – not good. then, one elf-king must have also resolved in this kind of commitment. Not sure what you’re trying to say here… And maybe that’s because of the recession happening in their territory.

As Freya headed towards the exit of the house, these were the fantasies that came to her. What fantasies?

Passing by the corridors with a miserable face, she could clearly see the confused and confounded faces of the knights, slaves, and even those of the earls, barons, and viscounts. If they only knew what had happened and what she was going to do – escap[s]ing[/b][color=red], [s]and[/s] planning never to return – they could have seized her and locked inside her room, or even in a a dungeon. Luckily, there weren’t any orders for it, so they just continued what they had been doing and continued to think of stupid reasons, Stupid reasons of what? a million of miles different compared to the real happening. What?

Freya reached the grand gate and saw two knights guarding the passageway. They prohibited her from moving out – their utmost purpose to guard – but Freya insisted and pulled off her hands from their strong ones. “I am now allowed,” she said as she removed her tiara crown and gave to the guards. “To prove, I am no longer your master’s daughter. From now on, I am just Freya Lucian, or just simply Freya, going to live ordinarily.” Shocked, the two guards felt numb, as if severely paralyzed.

As soon as she saw the two guards frozen, she opened the grand gate and passed through the silver arc, the one designed with humanoid statues[s]- statue[/s] of [s]the[/s] liberty and the Oblation which signified freedom. At last, she had conquered her thirst for freedom. She was [s]now[/s] free.

As she steeped out, a big grin flashed on her face. It was her first time to feel the soft breeze of the outside world. For eighteen years, she was not allowed to go out from the palace. She was confined inside those big halls; but now was the time to bid goodbye to those vast halls; or as she thought, “vast hell”.

She continued to wander until she realized she had nowhere to go. Hence, it was better this way than to be lost inside a devil’s cradle. ‘hence’ means as a consequence of or for this reason – not what you’re looking for here. Try ‘still, though,’ or something. She looked over her shoulders and saw that dreaded palace; that, and the stupendous distance that lay between them.

She remained tackling the Emperor’s Drive until she saw a small town down the road. She headed towards it with a feeling of enthusiasm. As she reached the town, she saw a small sign engraved in a cheap metal in front of her that[s]’s[/s] read [s]as[/s], “Welcome to Pontera.

Curiosity flashed on her face as she saw peasants and vendors crowding on a town square with their mini inventories arranged in a very disarrayed manner inside their stalls made up of tacky woods. The same impression could be seen on their faces as they looked at her wandering.
Freya heard their mumbles and hubbubs. She realized then that she was wearing a very elegant court dress, while each and every one around her was wearing their usual shorts and shirts or trousers and blouses. Moreover, her light skin complexion did not match their yellowish one. Her stature was tootowering over those in her gender- males were of her height. She’s female, isn’t she? Try: Her stature was too towering over the females, and the same one as the males. Something like that. She smiled to herself and continued straying.

She looked up at the sky and saw how cloudy it was. The sun seemed to be hiding on one of those clouds, but the temperature here seemed to be higher. Maybe because of the heat generated by the compression of these people, she told herself.

She remained wandering on her flat shoes- luckily she wore one. One what? Beads of sweat poured down on her face for the first time in her life, and as she wiped her forehead with her hands, her view was blocked, and she accidentally bumped into a man.

“Ouch!” she grumbled.

“Oh! My apologies, my dear. I did not mean it.” the man exclaimed.

Freya looked at him and was astonished. The man seemed to be different from other town’s men. He wore a golden tunic with a silver belt on his waist – showing his perfect body figure – and [s]a[/s] black pants designed with assorted silver geometric patterns throughout that suited his long legs. He looked very [s]much[/s] elvin, an elf, without his slippers. Don’t think I get what you mean. Besides his unusual protruding ears, his face was beautiful. Perfectly human.

“Are you hurt?” the man spoke, cutting her astonishment.

“I…er… I’m fine.” Freya muttered.

“Great,” the man exclaimed. “By the way, my pleasure to meet ye.” Apparently this is something she says, so you need to start a new paragraph and state that. That said, it doesn’t sound very realistic that she’d say that… maybe more like “Yeah… um, what’s your name?”…

“Ruslan.” he muttered, lifting his pale right hand. He intended to shake hands. No need to state the obvious. Omit.

Freya looked at his hands with curiosity. She hadn’t had an encounter like thisbefore; she never knew that she must shake hands.

“Oh… Freya.” she said, but instead of shaking hands, she let her cheek touch[s]ed[/s] his.

Ruslan was surprised. He did not Yeah, people don’t say “did not” anymore… It’s right for when your characters are speaking, but for when the author does, just use ‘didn’t’. know what she meant by that either. Then he looked at Freya, who was smiling at him, with a blush on his pale cheeks.

Freya looked at his golden eyes. She felt something indescribable. These two sentence, they could totally be connected. Try saying it out loud – there’s no flow. Something magical. Something mysteriously exquisite that seemed to be very fragile, very delicate, that must be kept with prior significance. Sorry, don’t understand what you mean.

Love at first sight.

For over eighteen years, this is the very first time she fell in love. Okay, I know what you’re trying to say, but that’s not the way to say it… try: For the first time in eighteen years, she fell in love. Her heart beat[s]s[/s] faster as she kept her gazed locked in his eyes.

As for Ruslan, she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her beauty [s]is[/s] that of Venus, even though he had not yet had a glimpse of Venus. She was unique.

“You alright… my dear?” Ruslan asked softly.

“Ah… er… Absolutely.” Freya said gently, removing her gaze.

“Ah, okay. You seemed to be different compared to anyone in here. Where did you come from?” he asked, not curious.

“Where… did… I… come… from?” Freya repeated with short pauses in between each word[s]s[/s].

Ruslan nodded.

“I…umm…just there…somewhere there. I am not really sure.”

“Oh, too bad. You seemed lost. Can I help you?” Ruslan asked, now concerned.

“Of course. That’s great!” Freya exclaimed.

“So, how?”

“Er…” Freya said as she looked at the cement[s]ed[/s] floor. “Honestly, I… have nowhere to go. I stowed away.”

“But, why?”

“It’s a very long story. I doubt if you can catch up with it.”

“Alright. Then-”

“HEY SCAMPS, MOVE OUT!” Caps thing again. someone shouted and a loud horn followed. They had been blocking the way since they started the conversation; the small truck loaded with vegetables couldn’t go on. Another loud horn followed.

“My apologies, sire.” Ruslan said in a gentle, sorry manner. Then he held Freya’s wrist and moved off the road as the truck passed by.

“So, where are we?” Freya asked shaking her hands off Ruslan. Blushing again. Totally out of place… She asks this and his answer is around entirely different lines…

“Oh, I would like to ask if you would like to… umm… stay in my house until things go better,He added, “I mean, until you have resolved your problem and are ready to go back home.

“For Free?” Freya asked.

“For a fair lady like you, Absolutely!”

“Oh… then…Thank You. But…”

“Worry not my dear, I will not harm you.”

“That’s… That’s not it…”

They paused for a few seconds and looked at each other.

Freya’s hesitation was merely due to her feeling. She was afraid that this feeling- if already [s]is[/s] Love- would go deeper, and she could not forget the curse by her own father. If things went the way she thought they would, she’d surely die.

But at this point, she was presented with another problem, wherein the solution is, at the same time, presented. Um, what? She had nowhere to go, and Ruslan was [s]been[/s] offering a place for her to go.

“Alright then. I accept your offer. I owe you one.” Freya said with a smile. As for her, only a little self-control would make things better.

“Excellent” Ruslan muttered


* * *

They arrived safely at Ruslan’s small shelter. It was already dark- as they still used their time getting to know each other while chatting on different restaurants and having Freya toured around the town- and the moon enlightened the entire village. This village, where Ruslan’s house was located, was three kilometers away from the town square. Unlike a while ago, it was far peaceful here.

Ruslan’s house was built up from mixed sturdy woods and cement. Outside it was a small porch covered with small bushes and flowers.

“Beautiful!” Freya exclaimed as she picked up a rose. “Who planted all these?”

“Er… I did!That makes him sound like a little kid… if he’s supposed to have a childish personality, keep it; otherwise, you should consider changing it. Ruslan told her.

“Excellent! I would surely love living in this place!” Freya exclaimed as she jogged towards the door.
Ruslan opened the door. Inside was different furniture made up of sturdy woods arranged perfectly. The small bulb was on- lighting up almost the entire living room adjoined by the dining room. It was quite narrow inside. There were a lot of things inside- compressed.

“Wow! Good evening to everyone!” Freya greeted.

“Haha!” Ruslan laughed. “Unfortunately, I am the only one who lives here.”

“Ha?” Freya murmured- abashed.

“Oh. Sorry I never told you”

“It’s… fine. But, where’s your family?”

“Ah, They… they’re all… gone”

“But why?”

“Oh, umm… It’s a long story!” Ruslan simulated. A big grin flashed on his face.

“Fine.” Freya said as she headed towards the wooden couch and sat.

“So, what do you want to eat for dinner?” Ruslan asked while heading for the kitchen, which was just across. What? They were just at who knows how many restaurants and he’s going to eat again? What is he, a black hole?

“Oh… I’m still full. Thanks anyway. And also for the food and the clothes that you bought me a while ago. I am really sorry for not having any money with me. But I swear that I will pay you back immediately. For now, let me just help you on… Housekeeping!” Freya exclaimed with so much joy.

“Hmmn… It’s so nice of you. It looks very interesting to have you in a shelter. By the way, your room will be the room at your right. I hope you’ll like it.” Ruslan told her without giving any look. He was busy preparing the food.

Freya stood up and walked towards the room. As soon as she reached the door, she opened it and saw a very elegant wooden bed covered with pink floral blankets and a small lampshade beside. The pink thick curtains hung loosely as they beckoned with the rhythm of the breeze. Very nice description. The bloody red wall did work well with the brown tiles of the floor. You were flowing so well, and then you add that last sentence, just throws the reader off.

“Wow!” she exclaimed. Then, she smelled something exhortative. Ehh, not loving this word… appealing? Tantalizing? Exhortative just makes me think of my mother telling me all the reasons why I should do my homework. Not very convincing, either. She looked over her shoulders and saw the food Ruslan has cooked, now at the tiny dining table.

“Hmm,” she sighed. “Very appetizing!”

“Haha. You’re free to eat!” Ruslan muttered “C’mon. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Freya smiled sweetly. She proceeded to the dining table and sat.

“Chow down!” Ruslan exclaimed with a burst of exuberance. Loving how you described what he said, but not what he said.

As they polished off the oriental style dish, Freya suddenly agnized For starters, what word did you mean? And are you sure it means what you mean? something.

“By the way, why is that room so lovely? I mean, as if it was carefully designed for a lady. Did you have a[s]ny[/s] relationship with someone?

Ruslan grinned. “Hopefully.

“Ha?” Freya uttered. Confused.

“Hopefully I will be committed to someone.” he said in a very recognizable voice.

“Then, why it is-”

“Because I have sensed you coming.” he said so immediately, that Freya failed to continue her statement.

Suddenly, Freya was wrapped with surprise and confusion as she finished the food on her plate.

Ruslan smiled sweetly and then spoke “You seem full. Have a good night!” Then he stood up and held the plates with [s]his[/s] both hands and put them at the sink.

A few seconds later, she stood up and went to her bedroom.


* * *

The sunlight was directly brightening up Freya’s face as she opened her eyes. She fell asleep as she was in reverie last evening. She forgot to wash up. She rose up immediately and went directly to the bathroom. Luckily, Ruslan wasn’t up yet or else, he might just laugh at her for not washing up.

The bathroom was far from what she was accustomed with. There wasn’t any tub, just a shower. She felt a little agitated, but there wasn’t anything she could do. Moreover, the toilet bowl was just beside the shower; just a piece of thin curtain separate the two. She showered and dressed up with a red skirt and a velvet blouse.

She looked for a time piece, but she couldn’t find any. She just thought of preparing breakfast for Ruslan, but she didn’t know how. Instead, she just proceeded with the housekeeping, though it was her first time to do it.

A few seconds later, Ruslan was up and came out of the room. As he opened the door, he saw Freya sweeping the floor uncomfortably. He smiled.

Freya turned her back and saw him smiling. She smiled in return and laughed afterwards. She realized that Ruslan was still wearing the same clothing she was wearing yesterday. How is he wearing Freya’s clothes? O.O

They spent the whole day with so much laughter and a lot of learnings.
Expanddd… Stating an entire day in one sentence isn’t too lovely. If you won’t go into detail, at least make it a paragraph.


* * *


Days, Weeks, Months had passed. They got to know each other very well. They found each other in a very profound love with each other but they haven’t told each other yet. Okay, so the wording is kinda wrong… can’t even think of suggestions. Freya, for instance, was controlling her feeling with all her force, but it just won’t subside. Yeah, I don’t think you’re using for instance the right way here. Try “Freya, for one,…

They were eating their lunch as usual when Ruslan spoke with prior sincerity.

“I am an elf.”

“Wh…at?” Freya said. Surprised.

“I am a Peredhil, a Halfling. Half human and half elf” he muttered.

Freya was still in shock. She never thought of Ruslan being an elf, though he had been showing some signs. What kept her very hard to accept this truth was her insight towards elves. Do you mean, what made it very difficult to accept? She could never tell her secret- the reason why she was now in front of him- for she knew very well that it could hurt his feelings. She refused from being married to an elf because of its fearsome looks. She never knew that an elf could look like this- very far from how she described it for herself. Abash flashed on her face.

But at some point, this was a different story. Do you mean “by this point”? She loved Ruslan very much. She was badly in love with an elf.

“It’s… er …. Great!” she exclaimed. “Honestly, I never knew an elf could look like this. Very… lovable!”

A huge grin flashed on Ruslan’s face.

“I love you.” he said sincerely.

Freya’s heart beat faster. Her feelings indescribable- a mixture of misery and joyfulness.
They both looked into each other’s eyes, entirely forgetting the food on the table. A few seconds later, Freya spoke softly. She was now very determined to tell him the whole series of events that changed her life.


* * *


They both went to the palace. Ruslan wanted to ascertain the story behind Emperor Lucian’s scepter. For instance, he once owned a scepter. ”For instance” means “as an example”… not what you want here. He dug it under the boundary line- as an offering- so that he could enter Midgard, the human world. He was the son of King Orome, king of Lathrim, from a human, Erica. The human-elf commitment was badly prohibited. And yet Freya’s dad is deadest on her marrying an elf? Wouldn’t the other elf disagree? So, the two of them separated immediately and Ruslan was left on the hands of King Orome. Ruslan grew up well on a very hidden place where no elf had the knowledge of him being King Orome’s son. But as his human characteristics were becoming prominent, his father planned to kill him before news spread out that could throw away his father’s glory. And as soon as Ruslan knew this, he escaped.

Once he had proven that he owned the scepter, he could easily cease the curse. A piece of cake. Hope hatched on their minds.

As soon as they reached the palace, Freya led the way towards the grand gate. She was quivering; but with Ruslan’s hand on hers, she felt very safe, very protected.

She pushed a silver button at the gate and a few seconds later, the knights opened the gate, immediately surprised.

“Welcome back, madam!” the knights exclaimed monotonously How can you exclaim monotonously? “Monotonously” means dully, tediously, without interest, boring… you get the point… I think you meant “simultaneously”. with reverberating voices.

“I would like to see Emperor Lucian at once” said Freya, commanding.

“At once madam” the major-domo said.
You’d think the king would’ve put out some order that he never wanted to see his cursed daughter again… that they’re letting her back in so easily… doesn’t seem too realistic.

The major-domo led the way to the private sitting hall.

As soon as they reached the door heading to the hall, the major-domo asked, “May I know thy name, sir?”

“Ruslan, Ruslan Ur.” he said in a gentle way.

The major-domo nodded, and then proceeded to the room. After a few seconds, he let them in.

“Freya Lucian, it’s good to see you again,” Emperor Lucian said in a very shuddery manner. “And who is that?” he said, locking his gaze to Ruslan, particularly to his ears. “An Elf?”

“I’m afraid I am.” Ruslan said with a gentle smile on his face.

Emperor Lucian laughed. “After your entire unacceptable refusal and your stupid resolution, you came to present yourself with an elf [s]that you refused strongly[/s]. Anyway, you just came in the right time.”

Then someone entered the room. Elves, four of their kind. But, they were different from Ruslan. They were really horrible, with their wrinkled faces and white hair. Their short stature did not match their deep green tunic and pants. Though two of them appeared to be really wealthy with their scepters and gold accessories on their bodies, those didn’t suit them. They were really elves; the elves Freya had described for herself.

“It’s my pleasure to have you here.” Emperor Lucian said in a very pleasing manner “Elen sila lumenn omentilmo”. (Translated as: A star shall shine on the hour of our meeting)

“Vedui'!” (Greetings) said King Orome as he looked at Ruslan with fierce eyes.

Ruslan took a step back. Fear flashed on his face.

“Fa-” Ruslan spoke but was interrupted by Emperor Lucian’s voice.

“My daughter, this is Viel Ur, your future husband, and King Orome Ur, his Father. They came here to process your betrothal.”
How on earth he know to bring them? He had a missing daughter and there was no way he could’ve known she’s suddenly return.

The two elves took a bow. They looked very much alike. Ugly.

“No Way!” Freya cried.

Emperor Lucian put a fake smile on his face and looked at the two elves. They were emotionless.

“I’ll remove your curse only if you follow my command.” Emperor Lucian whispered.

Silence embraced the entire hall as Freya pondered, [s]And[/s] Ruslan and King Orome exchanging ferocious gazes. Viel remained emotionless, while Emperor Lucian remained tensed.

“But… I have already fallen in love!” Freya exclaimed, surprising everyone.

Suddenly, she moved closer to Ruslan and let her lips touch[s]ed[/s] his. Ruslan felt a little surprised, but kissed her back. Freya felt smug. That’s it? She just kissed the love of her life and all she feels is smug?

Everyone watching felt numb- shocked.

“Grrr.” Emperor Lucian sighed with anger, then put out his scepter.

Ruslan’s face was wrapped with mixed shock and joy as he saw the scepter. It was his.
“I own that!” Ruslan exclaimed with so much joy.

Freya felt very relieved. Then she looked at her father with a teasing stare.

Emperor Lucian knew very well that whatever he spelled out would be ineffective. He, then, felt very abashed as he looked at King Orome and Viel.

“What a very dramatic scene. At any rate, let’s continue the betrothal.” Emperor Lucian muttered. Then, he cried out loud, “Knights, throw this intruder into prison!”

In no time, the knights were inside the hall and then clinched Ruslan. Ruslan kept on pulling off her hands and defying.

“No!” Freya shouted furiously as she helped Ruslan be released.
Very funny. Highly unlikely one girl will have the strength to fight off at least two guards.

“Father!” Ruslan cried out.

“How dare you! I’m not your father and will never be!” Emperor Lucian exclaimed.

“Who told you it’s you?!” Ruslan shouted.

The elves gathered around exchanging gazes of confusion while King Orome remained jittery, tensed.

“King Orome, my father!” Ruslan cried out. Finally.

The two elves, which were marTaur'amandiler (druids), were appalled.

“Now, throw him!” Emperor Lucian commanded.

“Do not!” one of the two elves- Elwing- cried out “Your highness, please leave him for a while”. The elf was looking at Emperor Lucian.

“Hmmn… Alright.” Emperor Lucian sighed.

“No, throw him into the dungeon. Now!” King Orome shouted with a blast at the last word.

“Al-” Emperor Lucian muttered, but was interrupted as the other elf- Feanor- sang in a very enrapturing manner.

A few seconds later, silence filled the hall again. Everyone felt numb. Then the Elwing sang in a different tune as he looked on King Orome’s golden eyes and then looked at Ruslan’s.

On the spur of the moment, everything was back to normal.


* * *


Everything went on as it was considered by Freya and Ruslan.

The betrothal of Freya and Viel did not take its place. King Orome was dispatched from his throne. The hymn of Elwing clearly proved that Ruslan was King Orome’s son. And so, he had just committed a crime- having a child without admitting it. It must have been a double crime, only if commitment with a human was still prohibited.

Hence, Emperor Lucian, too, was dispatched from his throne. His undignified resolution- having his daughter be married forcefully- made him lose the mandate of heaven.

At this point, Freya and Ruslan took their sacred vow and married each other. Lathrim and Midgard were merged together in a very peaceful manner as Duke Ruslan Ur and Dutchess Freya Ur reigned over the Dutchy of Midthrim- as what they called the merged lands.

“I love you/” Freya said in a very sweet manner as she let her lips touch Ruslan’s.

“I love you more.” Ruslan muttered as he kissed her back.

“And I love you and will continue to care for you.” they both said simultaneously as they locked their gazes on the crowd in front of them. They were having a State of the World Address.

Though it was just an excuse in front of their people, they really did love each other. As a matter of fact, they were blessed with twenty children - five humans, five elves and ten Halflings. Not bad, eh?
[/spoiler]


Okayy, let's get reviewing:

For starters, I think you have a good going here, but you should take some things into mind...


:arrow: Tense disagreement. I pointed it out a couple of times in the actual file, but you really need to choose either present or past and then stick with it throughout the story.
:arrow: Characterization. Both Freya and Ruslan come across as childs, Freya a little more on the spoiled side. There's no real in-depth. I think maybe for Freya it works, otherwise she wouldn't have run away, but I think Ruslan sounds like the tipe of character who should have a serious sense of propriety, but it's certainly something that doesn't come across here. I think in general they're just lacking depth, and you should really work on that.
:arrow: Dialogue. Really imporant, especially in a story so flooded with it. Dialogue is one of the best ways of reflecting or portraying a characters personality, but half of the things said here seem illogical or just plain irrelastic. It kinda goes hand in hand with characterization, really. If you know your characters, you'll know what they say and how they say it, so it's kind of a 'kill two birds in one shot' thing.
:arrow: Description. I think you put an effort into this, but most of it didn't flow right. you had serious run-on sentences and it got a little dizzying after a while.
:arrow: Emotion. Or lack thereof. It's really the problem with writing in third person, but it still is totally possible. Every action we perform, every move we make, reflects something of what we're feeling. We fidget, we're nervous. We roll our eyes, we're mad. We all do that, real characters do that, so your characters should, too. What actions do they perform that reflect what they're feeling on the inside? As a third-person writer, you can see down to the depths of their soul, and you definitely know what's going on in there - we need to, too.
:arrow: Sentence flow. This really just feels like a manual series of actions and instructions. Say, run, talk, move... even falling in love is just another action. Describe their love... why do they love each other? Give actions a reason - a meaning.
:arrow: Word use. Sometimes you used good words... I guess you didn't have the classic problem of repeating the same bland words over and over again. As writers, though, we need to be aware that our very best of friends is the dictionary (and the thesaurus, but start with the dictionary). If you're in doubt, look it up... make sure the words you're using mean what you're trying to say.
:arrow: Sentence Structure. You either had really short ones, or impressive run-ons that got really confusing. I don't know what to suggest for this, but you should take it into consideration.
:arrow: Possessive Pronouns. "His/her" ...You reallyyy confused these... Not sure why, but just remember that if the person owning something is a male, it's 'his', and if it's a female, it's 'her'. I can see why you may have gotten confused, but only if I'm thinking in french where the possesive pronoun depends on the gender of the object. Not the case in english, though, so just keep that in mind.
:arrow: Prepositions. You also had a bit of a problem with those, I'd suggest reviewing them.
:arrow: Realism. Another slight problem... I pointed out the biggest problem areas in the text, though.

All in all, I truly do think you have a good idea, but it also is just a little cliched... I don't have anything personally against reading cliched plotlines - sometimes it's good to know how things will turn out - but they have to be exceptionally well handled. Everything has to be near flawless for it to work, otherwise the reader just loses interest.

And wow, twenty kids? I think having one is already too much XD
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.




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Points 2401
Reviews 95
I didn't read all of this, after I got halfway through it was too hard to read. Your writing is incredibly detailed and intricate, as if your trying to squeeze in too manny facts in an unnatural way. I do love this plot though, even though I only read half I was drawn into the fairy tale despite its cliche. I am not going to list all of your mistakes or improvements as I can see VehementWriter has already done before me, but I will state some of the problems I had with reading this.

-You put too much description into each paragraph, sometimes its best to add smaller more emotive amounts than try to describe everything and confuse the reader.

- You try to squeeze in alot of facts and information about the story. Spread it out gradually, you don't have to say that she lived in a certain city and place all in one sentence. Try to add it information in a more casual way, taking your time to explain her circumstances instead of rushing them into a few lines.

Other than that and the corrections above I have nothing against your story, your writing style isn't to my taste but that is just a preference, I think this story is a great read but needs a lot of work but you have the basis of a good novel here, keep writing.
Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Jean-Paul Sartre



I'm tired of books having villains who are just villains for no reason.
— EllieMae