The legend of Leo: Chapter 1

Hello everyone! This is practically my first story in YWS, and my first novel as well, in need of a desperate and well done critiques for the better improvement of the succeeding topics. Please enjoy reading it!



Genre: Gender Blender, Romance, Adventure

Links:

Chapter 2






Chapter One:


"Only when the twelve stars of the zodiac gathered as one shall the gates of Heaven and Earth open."


A man with pitch black eyes answered to the old man who read the stone tablet earlier, "Ha, you have to be kidding me Torry. I shall serve no one nor shall I believe such fairy tale."

The old man, Torry, replied, "You cannot escape your fate Aries, or should I say-"

"If you say another word I'll rip your throat off old man!" he answered abruptly followed by a piercing glare.

"Here is another statement," he said, disregarding the terrifying threat display. "The ram, the ox, the twins, the crab, the virgin, the scales, the scorpion, the archer, the sheep, the water bearer and the fish shall follow the path laid by the lion, of whom will win their hearts and release the chain that bounds Gaia, the Mother of the World."

"Shut up already, you're getting on my nerves."

"Don't be so hot headed. You have the ram on you Aries. There are others like you as well, shattered in the different races and places on Earth."

"It doesn't concern me Torry. I am fine the way I am now, I don't have to play the hero. What, we will save the world? Sheesh, how childish. This living purgatory does not know the word 'salvation.' "

"You're anxious. That is a normal reaction, but do not forget who you are," Torrry answered to convince the young man. "And besides, can you remove that colored plastic-"

"It's called a contact lens Torry."

"Contact lens or whatever that is, take that off. Black eyes do not suit you. Are you ashamed of your own heritage so you hide them?"

"Okay already, you're such a pain!" he replied. As he gently removed them, it was revealed that beneath the black and long hair he had lies a light blue eye on the left and a green one on the right. "Happy old man?"

"Good, can you light my cigar Aries?" the old man asked.

"Man, can't you buy a match box or something!" he screamed, then fire emerged from the tip of his left thumb. it is clear that the young man hates the smoke, as evidenced by his vigorous whipping off the smoke away from him.

He walked away towards the window, as the light of the sun sketched his shadow, detailing his five feet eight inches height, his athletic, well proportioned body and a prominent poise. His pale white skin glitters against the sun.

He was approached once more by Torry and said, "You know, too much sunlight is bad for your health, even if you are a day walker," giving him a glass of water, a bloody red tablet and a pat at the back. "Time for you medicine now, don't want you to bite off a human now right?"

His fangs protruded out of his bluish lips, signaling it wasn't a good joke, nor was it considered as one. He held the glass with a force powerful enough to crack it, then swallowed the medicine in a swift manner.

He sighed with a long face, "I have been taking blood stones for a long time. I'm still not accustomed to its bland taste, but it is better than having to spend too much time hunting down food," as he wiped the water in his lips with the sleeve of his dress, as dark as night itself.

"Hmmm, yeah, you're right. Human blood is still the best thing I've ever tasted. But doing that makes our primal instincts kick in and we're buying a one way ticket to hell."

Hesitation followed Aries, erasing his poker face and turned into a worry body. "I won't do it. That prophecy, I won't do it."

"I'm not forcing you to Aries, but you can't run away from fate."

"Then I will just escape every time that so called fate you speak of comes before me."

"Aren't you getting tired by staying like that for a long time?"

"No, I'd rather stay this way than turned back into a full pledged vampire."

"Hmmm, kids, I really don't see the logic though."

"Then don't," Aries roared with a tone of anger in his voice.

"Hey, Aries, can I see that mark again?" the old man asked as he grabbed Aries and unbuttoned his dress.

"Damn old pervert!" he raved as he struggled but the old man prevailed. "Cut it old old geezer!"

"Shut up, what's wrong with man to man contact?"

"That's because you're groping my breast ancient bastard!"

The symbol of Aries was glowing bright red below his right breast.

"It's amazing your thing is hidden when you're like that."

"That's because I'm a man!" he shouted out loud as he bashed the old man's face with a punch so strong it threw him away. "You freak me out Torry, you're gross!"

"Man you punch like a girl," he whispered as he rose up from the destroyed table he landed on.

"I'll burn you to a crisp ancient bastard!" as he held his right hand up and accumulated flames that spins around, growing bigger and bigger.

"Hahaha, I was just joking Aries," Torry stated jokingly as he beg for dear life. His grin faded when his nose picked up a scent in the air. "Do you smell that Aries?"

He clenched his fist, then the flames dispersed. "It smells like human blood."

The soothing melody that filled their background was stopped by a breaking news flashed in the radio, getting their attention.

"This is the breaking news here in Aisenville, Oathsworth. Three men and a four year old girl was found dead in the Bayleafe Park. This is the sixth incident of murder resembling two things; all have punctures in their body and almost have no blood left. Authorities are still investigating the cause of this-"

"Humans are naive," Torry exclaimed as he turned off the radio. "Seems like some of your brothers and sisters are being naughty."

"Hmmm, whoever they are they must be put into an end. they are getting too much attention."




To be continued...




What do you think?

Hi, I'm Shella, here to review your writing, obviously.

Well first things first.

it is clear that the young man hates the smoke,

"it" needs to be capitalized.

as he wiped the water in his lips with the sleeve of his dress, as dark as night itself.

I'm not enitrely sure but I think that should be "on"

Hesitation followed Aries, erasing his poker face and turned into a worry body.

Something about this sentence seems awkward. I think that maybe changing turned into turning would help. But I may be wrong so...yeah.

Hmmm, whoever they are they must be put into an end

Another sentence that just seems to ruin the flow. Just try rewording it.

they are getting too much attention.

Just another capitalization error.


Other than those few minor mistakes, I loved it. I liked the conversation taking place between Aries and Torry even though some parts were a little unclear to me. Like when Torry tells Aries that he has the ram on him. I'm assuming that will make more sense to me once I read the rest of your story. Whenever you post the next part of this will you please PM me because I'm definitely interested.


~Shella

Yay for first stories, congratulations! Now I am going to give you an open and honest critique. Don't be offended by anything I say because I simply want to help you and this story be the best that it can be. Also feel free to take or ignore any of my suggestions! Anyway you have a good start here but lets get down to the nitty gritty stuff...

Chapter One:

A man with pitch black eyes answered to the old man who read the stone tablet earlier, "Ha, you have to be kidding me Torry. I shall serve no one nor shall I believe such fairy tale."

Okay so "to" is not needed in this sentence. It sounds fine as, "answered the old man who read..." and it should be, "Old man who had".

"Here is another statement," he said, disregarding the terrifying threat display. "The ram, the ox, the twins, the crab, the virgin, the scales, the scorpion, the archer, the sheep, the water bearer and the fish shall follow the path laid by the lion, of whom will win their hearts and release the chain that bounds Gaia, the Mother of the World."

Okay you confuse the reader when you say "he" twice after someone is talking. So since you use "he" for Aries above you should use the old man's name in this paragraph or just say old man so we don't get confused.

"Don't be so hot headed. You have the ram on you Aries. There are others like you as well, shattered in the different races and places on Earth."

I am assuming you meant "scattered" not shattered.

"It doesn't concern me Torry. I am fine the way I am now, I don't have to play the hero. What, we will save the world? Sheesh, how childish. This living purgatory does not know the word 'salvation.' "

This is an odd sentence and doesn't really flow very well in my opinion. Maybe try, "What? Will we be the ones to save this world?" or something like that. It doesn't flow very well, and I want to pause after what like it is a sentence or something. I'm not really sure how to say it, but something needs to be fixed in it.

"You're anxious. That is a normal reaction, but do not forget who you are," Torrry answered to convince the young man. "And besides, can you remove that colored plastic-"

Okay don't take this personally, and I don't know how to say it, but... you order your words in a weird way sometimes which makes it hard to read or understand what is being saying, and sometimes the words you put in are unnecessary. Like in the above bit. "Answered to convince" sounds weird and doesn't flow. It should be something like, "Torry answered, trying to convince the young man." Its almost like you put "to" where a comma should be. I'm not tryiing to offend you, just pointing out what I see.

"Okay already, you're such a pain!" he replied. As he gently removed them, it was revealed that beneath the black and long hair he had lies a light blue eye on the left and a green one on the right[/b]. "Happy old man?"

OKay again with the he. We can assume who is talking in the above dialogue, but when you actually are telling us who we need a name if none was given above. We assume we know who is talking in the above two paragraphs, but when you switch down to this one and you say, "He", it is confusing and you need to give us a name, like Aries or whoever.

Weird wording again in this. It just doesn't flow, and I wish I could give you a more technical term for what I am trying to say but I just don't know one unfortunately. But try something like, "As he gently removed them, revealing..." or something to the sort. Also I don't get the long black hair part. He isn't removing a wig, he is removing contact lenses. So get rid of that part and say something like, "beneath the obsidian eyes was one light blue, and green eye." Or something like that. also it shouldn't be "lies" but lied.

"Good, can you light my cigar Aries?" the old man asked.

This needs to be two different sentences, it is a run-on, or a fragment... I'm not sure, grammar isn't my best thing . But you have two different ideas shoved into this sentence and it is confusing. "Good" is referring to the removal of the contacts, while the other-part is about lighting the cigar. I am still on the contacts, and then you jump into a totally different thing so it needs to be separated.

"Man, can't you buy a match box or something!" he screamed, then fire emerged from the tip of his left thumb. it is clear that the young man hates the smoke, as evidenced by his vigorous whipping off the smoke away from him.

Ummm... this is a VERY confusing paragraph. It is almost like you switch from third to second person, which just throws everything off. We are listening to Aries and all of a sudden somebody is narrating and telling us, " how the young man doesn't like the smoke." This whole thing should be re-written, for example, "Man, can't you buy a match box or something," Aries muttered in exasperation as he flipped his thumb up. A small flame materialized out of the air, hovering above his finger as he lit the old man's cigar. "Damn I hate smoke," Aries muttered as he waved his hand in the air, trying to blow away the nasty smell." Or something to that sort that stays in third person, the thing you story is in. I just realized I am assuming you know what I am talking about, incase you don't here is what 3rd and 2nd person is...

The second-person point of view isn't used very much, simply because it's very difficult to write from this point of view without confusing the readers (who might think the author is addressing them). This point of view is also used mainly in fiction, when the story's narrator uses "you" to address the main character, such as in a story where the author (narrator) is addressing a younger version of himself. Such a point of view would also be inappropriate for a formal essay.
The third-person point of view is the one you want to use for a formal essay. In this point of view, the author uses "he" and "she" to describe the action of the story. This point of view allows for distance between the author and the characters, as well as for an "all-seeing, all-knowing" (or omniscient) narrator. Using this point of view in a formal essay enables you to be objective in the argument you're presenting and not bring your personal feelings, thoughts, or experiences into the essay.

He walked away towards the window, as the light of the sun sketched his shadow, detailing his five feet eight inches height, his athletic, well proportioned body and a prominent poise. His pale white skin glitters against the sun.

Once again I am not sure who "he" is. And I don't believe a comma is needed. It could be "towards the window as the light of the sun...". And I believe you meant "stretched" not sketched his shadow. I would also make the whole thing into another sentence. Ending after you describe the shadow, and then moving into the description about his body. Should be "glittered" not "glitters" and probably should be "in" not "against" the sun.

He was approached once more by Torry and said, "You know, too much sunlight is bad for your health, even if you are a day walker," giving him a glass of water, a bloody red tablet and a pat at the back. "Time for you medicine now, don't want you to bite off a human now right?"

In my opinion "he" is okay in this paragraph because you quickly tell us who is approaching him, so we know that the "he" is Aries. Also it should be a new sentence after he is done talking. So it should go, "day walker." Torry quickly handed Aries a glass of...". "Now" is not needed, cut it.

His fangs protruded out of his bluish lips, signaling it wasn't a good joke, nor was it considered as one. He held the glass with a force powerful enough to crack it, then swallowed the medicine in a swift manner.

What is the joke? "With a force" makes no sense. Reword it to, "He held the glass with enough force to crack it, as he swallowed..." or something like that. Oooo and their vamps! That's fun and I didn't even see that coming, interesting twist

He sighed with a long face, "I have been taking blood stones for a long time. I'm still not accustomed to its bland taste, but it is better than having to spend too much time hunting down food," as he wiped the water in his lips with the sleeve of his dress, as dark as night itself.

AHHHH!! ANOTHER HE!! Heheheh, use names somemore... please. Also it should be, "down food,"he said as he wiped..."

"Hmmm, yeah, you're right. Human blood is still the best thing I've ever tasted. But doing that makes our primal instincts kick in and we're buying a one way ticket to hell."

Hesitation followed Aries, erasing his poker face and turned into a worry body. "I won't do it. That prophecy, I won't do it."

Weird and needs to be written. Hesitation wouldn't "follow" him. So try, "Aries stepped forward with obvious hesitation, his poker face turning into worry as he said..." or something like that.

"Aren't you getting tired by staying like that for a long time?"

[/quote]"Damn old pervert!" he raved as he struggled but the old man prevailed. "Cut it old old geezer!"

Should be, "Cut it out old geezer!"

"That's because you're groping my breast ancient bastard!"

Doesn't flow with the above sentence, reword it. And breast makes me think... of a breast. And since he is a man... maybe a different word should be used.

"That's because I'm a man!" he shouted out loud as he bashed the old man's face with a punch so strong it threw him away. "You freak me out Torry, you're gross!"

"He" again... go away.

"Man you punch like a girl," he whispered as he rose up from the destroyed table he landed on.

Would he really "whisper" after being punched?

"I'll burn you to a crisp ancient bastard!" as he held his right hand up and accumulated flames that spins around, growing bigger and bigger.

He again... give me some names. And the flames "spun" not spins. Good word use of the accumulated though, I like that picture.

"Hahaha, I was just joking Aries," Torry stated jokingly as he beg for dear life. His grin faded when his nose picked up a scent in the air. "Do you smell that Aries?"

Since Torry already said he was joking he doesn't need to "state" it.

He clenched his fist, then the flames dispersed. "It smells like human blood."

This is the last time I am pointing out the "he" thing. You can go out on a fun treasure hunt and find the rest...

The soothing melody that filled their background was stopped by a breaking news flashed in the radio, getting their attention.

Where did the radio come from? You should mention it before just bringing it in like this.

Characters: Congratulations, because you are doing a very good job so far with developing your characters. I love them and can already tell that Aries is our brash hot headed friend, while the old man is the sweet old pervert! They are good and dimensional and your dialogue with them is very good, so keep up with that!

Plot: You're plot is good. Not a lot has happened yet for obvious reasons because this is the beginning of the story and that is okay. I am interested to see how you will continue to develop this and make it grow.

Grammar: You have a lot to work on in this area, which is fine. Just make sure you reread your story before you post it at least a couple of times so you can correct and edit all of it. This also saves all of us a lot time when it comes to correcting it so we can focus less on grammar and more on the overall story and character development.

Overall: YOU ARE DOING GOOD! Don't take anything I said negatively, like I said I am just trying to help you out. You have a good start, and characters who are already interesting and starting to develop into their own entities. The plot with continue to develop and grow over time, so just focus on your grammar and your sentence structures. Reread and reread again! Good luck!

Thank you for reviewing my work brainychic212 and DSF! Apparently, I reread my story and said, "Gosh! What they said is true! " Thanks for pointing out my weak points. Please review my succeeding posts if ever you are around okay? You really helped me out big time!

Oh, regarding the ram, the one that Aries has on his right chest, it is the symbol of the zodiac sign Aries, the Ram. I hope matters would be cleared up on my next post, and yeah, they will definitely save the world, not yet though. =)

Wow. This is really good. I just saw "LEO" in the title, and thought "Hey, I'm a Leo, and this has a cool title." You're definitely a good writer, and I love the way you've worded everything. The other's have already pointed out any mistakes I saw. Your characters are well developed, and we can catch a glimpse of their personalities here. Keep it up, you make me want to read more!

I'll tell you right now, I'm interested by whatever you mean when you list the genre as gender blender.

That initial impression aside, here's what I think. I haven't seen anything particularly new or special in this first chapter. Maybe it's just because of how horribly overdone vampires are in fiction nowadays (especially online fiction), but when I learned that Aries was a vampire, I rolled my eyes. Maybe you can do something interesting with it, but as a general warning from my own biased opinions, vampires aren't fun anymore.

The zodiac angle is interesting, and the nature of the prophecy plus the fact that the title is the Legend of Leo makes me feel like Aries isn't the protagonist. That, and the relative lack of any kind of establishing information in this first chapter makes it feel like the barest of bare bones prologues. Aries and Torry talk for an awfully long time before we know anything about where they are. Actually, looking back at it, I don't think you ever established their location or surroundings. Doing this would greatly benefit the scene.

Just a few other issues. There were a lot of punctuation and/or grammar errors, but I won't bother to mention them, as there are always other reviewers here at YWS who will go through and point out to you every single last mistake you made. Your dialogue could also use some work, as there are times it doesn't seem natural at all. For example, your news report didn't sound at all like a murder report. Reread your dialogue aloud to yourself, that makes it easier to realize what is natural sounding and what is not.

At its core is an interesting idea, and that gender blender thing has me intrigued as well. As is, it is a very rough draft, but that's what this site is for, so I hope you'll take my advice into consideration to help make this work the best it can be. Good luck.

Thanks for the advice Dark Sploosh , you'll know soon enough why this is a gender blender.
Elentari , thanks for the comment as well, I just posted the second chapter, I know you drop by! =)

Vampires are too conventional, that's why i added some twist in the story to keep the story going. I applied some of the advices you gave me in the second part, so I was hoping everyone can drop by and give it a review.

I am SO sorry that this has taken me so long to get to. What with school ending and life taking over, I just didn't have the time. I don't know if you want/need any more criticism on this piece, so I'll just give you my general thoughts and if you want me to go more in-depth on anything, just drop me a PM, okay?

I. Little Things

A man with pitch black eyes answered to the old man who read the stone tablet earlier, "Ha, you have to be kidding me Torry. I shall serve no one nor shall I believe such fairy tale."

Do his eyes really have to be pitch black? Black is black. Unless you're talking about clothing and it's like a faded black that looks more like a gray, it's black and doesn't really need any adjectives. Also, the style of speaking in these early sentences is a lot more formal than some of the ones that come later, so you might want to try to make the tone consistent.

He walked away towards the window, as the light of the sun sketched his shadow, detailing his five feet eight inches height, his athletic, well proportioned body and a prominent poise. His pale white skin glitters against the sun.

This is bordering on an info-dump, which means just putting a bunch of information somewhere to get it out of the way. Do we need to know that he's well-proportioned? I think readers assume that whenever they imagine a character in their head. Also, what is 'prominent poise'? How does it become 'prominent'? I don't know if that's the best adjective to use. Also, please no more Edwards? =/

as he wiped the water in his lips with the sleeve of his dress, as dark as night itself.

"As dark as night itself"? I've heard that many times. It's hard to describe black, again, because it's already black. Also, would the water be 'in' his lips or 'on' his lips? xP

"No, I'd rather stay this way than turned back into a full pledged vampire."

Did you mean 'fledged'? Full-fledged?

II. General Things

"If you say another word I'll rip your throat off old man!" he answered abruptly followed by a piercing glare.

Okay, this is a lesson that a lot of people (including myself) need to learn and keep a hold of. Alright, look at this sentence and then take off the 'abruptly followed by a piercing glare'. You've already communicated these things to us! How? You interrupt the other sentence with this dialogue, so it's obviously an abrupt threat. Also, I don't think anyone would be saying 'I'll rip your throat off' with a smile or a frown, but you assume their face would be angry, or maybe in a piercing glare, right? So you don't need that extra bulk, since you already communicated it through the meat of the piece.

THAT in and of itself is /GREAT/. Some people do not know how to communicate these nuances without adding to their dialogue tags. Try, as much as you can, to communicate mood through the dialogue, and only use description when it's necessary (like when the tone is ambiguous and could be interpreted different ways).

"It doesn't concern me Torry. I am fine the way I am now, I don't have to play the hero. What, we will save the world? Sheesh, how childish. This living purgatory does not know the word 'salvation.' "

I found this a lot throughout your piece. When a character is speaking to another character and addressing them, you put a comma before the name or whatever the character is calling the other one. Here, you need to say 'It doesn't concern me, Torry'. =P And with every other instance where you left out that necessary comma. :]

"Man, can't you buy a match box or something!" he screamed, then fire emerged from the tip of his left thumb. it is clear that the young man hates the smoke, as evidenced by his vigorous whipping off the smoke away from him.

Tense change. Please keep tenses consistent.

III. Overall

Vampires again? Really? :C You know, it would be cooler if these were all signs of the zodiac and had powers according to the animal they portrayed. Right now, I'm not really interested simply because of the fact that it's vampires. AGAIN. Everything seems to be about vampires. =/ Well. On the flip side of that, though, there are plenty of readers that would devour this simply because it's about vampires, so you're probably in luck.

The characters are difficult to relate to because one is yelling and being a jerk face the whole time and the other is obviously meant to be mysterious. Be sure to let us know more about the signs, why everything is the way it is for these characters, and who these characters are (where they came from, what made them what they are today) in the coming chapters.

PM me if you have any questions and if you want me to take a look at anything else.

-Hannah-