Bluebirds.

This poem needs help.

I sounds so...awkward.

*Sigh*

Any ideas?



Bluebirds

Bluebirds fly through a sky they cannot see,
And never know it’s wrong.
And when the clouds come overhead,
They continue in there song.

Bluebirds look up at the sky
And wonder why it rains
Because to them the sky’s not different
To them it doesn’t change.

I feel sorry for the Bluebirds,
To not see the change in weather.
To look into the sunny dew,
And not see their true feather.

They all must think their ugly birds,
And hang there heads in shame.
And they don’t know their true beauty,
Or how they live up to their name.

Aren’t we kind of like the Bluebirds?
Think the world sees through our eyes?
And never know what others think,
Because we’re trapped between the lies.

I wonder if we talked to them,
And told them what was true.
Would they see the sky’s real nature?
Would they see the color blue?

Hello! Interesting poem, and I can see you have some sort of philosophical concept. But it needs a little something, and I'm here to help.

First lets get the nitpicks out of the way.

Bluebirds fly threw a sky they cannot see,
And never know it’s wrong.
And when the clouds come overhead,
They continue in there song.

Through, not threw.

I feel sorry for the Bluebirds,
To not see the change in weather.
To look into the sunny dew,
And not see there true feather.

Their?

They all must think there ugly birds,
And hang there heads in shame.
And they don’t know their true beauty,
Or how they live up to there name.

Alright a small lesson on there, their and they're.
There: The river is over there.
Their: Their house is very beautiful.
They're (they are): They're very happy people.

Aren’t we kind of like the Bluebirds?
Think the world sees thru our eyes?
And never know what others think,
Because we’re trapped between the lies.

Through


Concept/Theme:
I feel as if you're trying very hard to say something important through your example of bluebird, and just when I feel I understand it, you go on talking about something else. The concept just doesn't carry though. In the first stanza you're talking about something, which I kind of begin to understand by the end of that stanza and I want a little bit more clarification and less confusion, but the second stanza just makes me even more confused, because I have not idea what exactly you're getting at. I understand you are comparing us to bluebirds, but in which way, how? What exactly is it that you're comparing.


Rhyming:
first off, your rhyming scheme is quite off in some places, but I have to ask, must you rhyme it? I think the trouble you're having explaining your concept in the poem is because you've limited yourself to words that rhyme. For amateur poets like you an me, I find we must first build our personal poetical voice through free verse poetry, before we rhyme poetry, because many times we just lose our main theme trying so hard to rhyme words that we end up deviating. Poetry doesn't have to rhyme, dear. If your poetry can be much better and you feel you can better convey your words without having to rhyme them, then by all means go ahead and do that. Don't limit your words at this stage. Of course rhyming poetry has its own charms, but I don't think you pulled it off quite right.


Descriptive Language:
Strong words, imagery, metaphors, similes are what give the poem a soul. They help the reader relate to the meaning of the poem and also help poets put their ideas into words. Try it! And you are doing that in your poetry, you're trying to get through your reader by using bluebirds as metaphor. Like I said before you've really limited your words. Find some strong descriptive words that really give a vivid picture of the blue birds soaring in the sky. and I can see you are well on your way in doing that. But a bit more of it would be, oh so perfect.


So to sum it up, you've got an interesting concept that you want to convey to your readers, through the example of Bluebirds, and you're getting there, you just need to work on the folowing areas:
>continuity
>theme/concept (it isn't quite clear in the poem and that becomes annoying at times through out the poem)
>Rhyming
>Descriptive Language.

I hope I was of some help. If you have any questions feel free to PM me.
-Zehra

Zinnia! *glomples* June here! I don't think this poem needs much on the improvement front, but I'll see what I can do to help you out.

Bluebirds fly through a sky they cannot see,

And never know it’s wrong.

And when the clouds come overhead,

They continue in there song.

• So! Some poets rarely enjoy the concept of starting a line with "and". I don't think it's a bad thing at all, but, I would say that it's fine most times. I just don't recommend starting two lines in a row with "and", as it becomes kind of repetitive.

However! I would recommend changing the second line to something more along the lines of "never knowing it's wrong"; thus, you will eliminate the repetition, and sustain the same meaning.


• In the last line here, dear, "there" should be "their". This there that you are using here is like saying "over there", when you really want to use the possessive form.

Bluebirds look up at the sky

And wonder why it rains

Because to them the sky’s not different

To them it doesn’t change.

So! The thing with this stanza is, it doesn't really seem too much like real bluebirds. Have you ever noticed, hours before it rains, the birds are wild, screeching, heading for trees and any other place for shelter before the clouds burst. They can sense, or see the changes coming long before they happen. So! The sky does change for the birds, dear. They can't fly in it when it's overcast and such.

I feel sorry for the Bluebirds,

To not see the change in weather.

To look into the sunny dew,

And not see their true feather.

I love, love, love how you're bringing your sympathy into this. It's giving a subtly sweet touch to this, as if you're truly feeling for the birds.

But again, birds and animals can see the changes, possibly more than we can, dear. Keep that in mind.

They all must think their ugly birds,

And hang there heads in shame.

And they don’t know their true beauty,

Or how they live up to their name.

• First line! Their should be they're; contraction for they are.

• Second line! There should be their; the possessive form.

Also! I would doubt that birds think so low of themselves, dearie. I mean, I'm not a bird, so I wouldn't know, but! It seems as if the animal world just lives in peace with the world.

Aren’t we kind of like the Bluebirds?

Think the world sees through our eyes?

And never know what others think,

Because we’re trapped between the lies.

I love this. Comparing us to bluebirds. Give us more with this stanza, though. Show us a little more about the beauty a bluebird's eye can perceive. For now, we know they don't see they sky, and don't think themselves beautiful. Now show us what they find beauty in.

I wonder if we talked to them,

And told them what was true.

Would they see the sky’s real nature?

Would they see the color blue?

Wonderful closing, Zinnia. I love this; bringing it full circle with everything else that was mentioned.


I think that this is a pretty great skeleton to build on dear, (and don't be afraid to make it longer and fatter!) because you've covered some basic ideas in this poem. Now, you have the freedom to build on these, expand and make more bold, more artistic and such.

Not to sound nit-picky, but, as much as you can, try to eliminate the usage of "and" when starting a line, dear. It's not a bad thing-- not at all-- but, when a line doesn't start with and, the line naturally has more character to it, because it's a word that's not a meaningless word.


You did a splendid job here, dear. Gold star, and keep it up!

Juniper