MARY - MAY OFFEND (Over 13 for language)

After a few swift halves in Ye Olde Inn,
Mary was yours to do anything.
Now not being one to pass a cheap whore,
I took her unprotected on the ladies floor.
I'm well known to shoot my load and flee,
But I gave her two pence and hailed her a donkey.

Now this bitch was poor and she lived in some shack,
She got home to Joe with friction burns on her back.
Little did he know that times would get rough,
Cuz it turn out i got this gal up the duff.
I knew Joe was slow, but surely he wasn't this dim,
As Mary stood by this tale that she was still a virgin.

Nine months later and this couple got evicted,
The lie involved to something Tolken could have scripted.
Everyone knew she was a whore and wouldn't help,
So in an empty stable she squeezed one out.
Somehow Joe still thought there was nothing between us,
So I went to visit this kid they called Jesus.

Now Mary might be easy, but fuck could she fib,
Cuz this bastard had alsorts around his crib.
I was slightly pissed that I couldn't say anything,
But I vented my frustration via a fight with a king.
Though later I knew I had something time couldnt rob,
You wont remember me as a player, you'll remember me as God.

Well, the idea of the poem itself was interesting. It was definitely one that kept me reading.
However, somethings about it were annoying:
1. The use of "Cuz," I personally just don't like, and it doesn't really fit with the seriousness of this poem.
2. You don't always have to rhyme, and in this case, the rhyming truly damaged what could have been a really good poem. It just sounded forced especially in the following:
I knew Joe was slow, but surely he wasn't this dim,
As Mary stood by this tale that she was still a virgin.
and
Somehow Joe still thought there was nothing between us,
So I went to visit this kid they called Jesus.
and
Though later I knew I had something time couldnt rob,
You wont remember me as a player, you'll remember me as God.
The others were okay...or either not as bad, but perhaps you should rewrite it without making it rhyme. It should sound a lot better.

Holy sh*** man. What was this all about? Ye Olde Pub or whatever and then you go on using b*** and b****** and Cuz. It's not in the same time limit you know what I mean? It was OK, but I got really confused.

This is a sad attempt at making fun of Christianity. If taking potshots at the validity of Mary being a virgin makes you swell with some sort of gross pride in your faulty thinking that this is a critique of religious fabric, you are sadly misled.

This "poem," and I use the term lightly, could also be seen as a different perspective on the religious entente between man and God. However, if so, it was weakly constructed. It was an egotistical and systematic decomposition of the Christian ideology. Your purveyance of God as mortal is not only contradictory but malignant to the poem as a whole.

The poem itself was chock-full of expletives (which is why I'm putting 13+ for language on it) and the rhyme scheme was a flailing attempt at mocking Frostesque style. I doubt this poem was intended for any intellectual pursuants, and if it was, you failed miserably. So, perhaps, one day, when your immaturity no longer beseeches you, you will be able to masterfully critique religions and society.

It was pretty funny, reminded me of an Ali G joke about Mary being a Virgin that I saw years back. Anyway it was a bit of fun and to be honest I doubt you were really attempting a 'Frostesque style' but nevermind.
Type of poem you shouldn't take too seriously.

Great story. Keep up the good work!

-- M.B.Author

Incandescence wrote:This is a sad attempt at making fun of Christianity. If taking potshots at the validity of Mary being a virgin makes you swell with some sort of gross pride in your faulty thinking that this is a critique of religious fabric, you are sadly misled.

This "poem," and I use the term lightly, could also be seen as a different perspective on the religious entente between man and God. However, if so, it was weakly constructed. It was an egotistical and systematic decomposition of the Christian ideology. Your purveyance of God as mortal is not only contradictory but malignant to the poem as a whole.

The poem itself was chock-full of expletives (which is why I'm putting 13+ for language on it) and the rhyme scheme was a flailing attempt at mocking Frostesque style. I doubt this poem was intended for any intellectual pursuants, and if it was, you failed miserably. So, perhaps, one day, when your immaturity no longer beseeches you, you will be able to masterfully critique religions and society.

I agree 100%

It was a poor attempt to make fun of Christianity. Nuff said.

I agree with Incandescence. You could seriously get people wrong ideas about this because of talking about Christianity. The language was ood. It wasn't my fav

Normally, I'd say Incandescence (or however you spell that word - it shouldn't have so many letters in it) was being too harsh, but on this occasion I agree totally with everything he said. Bananas.

-ST