Solace From The Shadows

I'm sorry, I know it's been ages since I last posted this (blame the exams). A very big thank you to xDudettex for all her help and lucyy ,SakuraFallsSweetly♥, WhiteTiger93, Memento Mori, packmasterk2 for their awesome reviews. Enjoy!

No one can know. No one can ever know.
I fumble around in the dark for the spare key. Opening the door quietly, I notice light spilling from the sitting room, lighting up the hallway. I pause by the door, listening to a hysterical woman shouting for Jimmy to come back.
“How was the party, Hun?” Mum asks, distractedly . She’s curled up on the sofa, watching some pointless soap.
“It was fine,” I call as I walk down the hall. I’m not lying, I tell myself, the party was fine. It was on the way home…. She calls out something about getting a takeaway since I’m home early.
“I’m not hungry,” I shout back.
I lock the bathroom door behind me and lean against it, tipping my head back until it touches the hard wood. “Why?” I whisper, hoarsely into the silence. Closing my eyes, I listen carefully. Faintly I can hear mum’s soap “Jimmy, I love you….” I walk over to the cabinet over the sink. Catching sight of my reflection in the mirror, tears come to my eyes. My brown curls are matted with blood. I wince as my hair catches against the open cut on my neck. I reach up my hand, feeling around for it. My fingers are covered in blood as I pull them back. I turn on the tap for the bath, my hand shaking and let the steam fill the room, fog up the mirror. I tear off my clothes, and lower myself into the scolding water, but I don’t feel anything. I reach for the soap and sponge and start scrubbing, until my skin is red. I can still feel his sweaty hands. Angry tears start spilling before I can stop them.

I don’t know how long I lay in the water before mum knocked on the door.
“Sweetie, you’ve been in there for ages, you ok?” Like you care, I think bitterly.
“I’m fine, must have dozed off,” I lie smoothly. In truth, I had been trying every thing to get rid of the feeling of… No, I can’t think about that. Pulling myself out the still steaming water, I winced as the cool air hit my now raw skin. Wrapping myself in a towel, I pull out the plug and watch the water swirl down the drain. If only everything would disappear that quickly, without a trace. As if it was never there. I open the door quietly, hoping mum isn’t in the hall. I can hear her clattering around in the kitchen. I hurry in to my bedroom, closing the door behind me. Shivering, I pull the towel closer around me. I dump my dress into the bin. It’s filthy. It has blood around the neck and a small tear near the hem, reminders of everything I want to forget. I kick the bin, then the wall. Stumbling slightly, I make my way over to the window, and stare out on to the perfect garden below. There’s a full moon tonight, though the clouds are covering it , dimming the light which is spilling through the branches of the large tree, casting shadows around the room. I rummage around in my drawer looking for pyjamas. I pull out a massive t- shirt and my old, shabby pyjama pants. Crawling into bed, I close my eyes, determined not to start crying again. I curl up into a ball, hugging myself tightly.

The nightmares began that night.

i like it. Lacking a lot of details but it hooked me so know i wanna know more. Just remember to fill in the details later, like the mains name, for one thing.

Hello! I'm going to be your reviewer (for this moment). If I'm too harsh or if you feel I'm being unfair, then I apologize in advance.

I turn on the tap for the bath, steam filling the room

The way the sentence is worded makes it seem as if steam fills the room while she turns on the tap. It doesn't make sense, so you might want to reword it as to correct the sequence of events.

I don’t know how long I was lying in the water before mum knocked on the door

The was slows down the sentence. You can improve it by taking away was: I don't know how long I lay in the water before mum knocked on the door.

No I can’t think about that.

Just a forgotten comma after no.

I open the door quietly, hoping isn’t in the hall

You forgot a word. Hoping who isn't in the hall?



The piece is good and has potential. However, you use the same sentence pattern too much. I (insert verb) and (insert verb). It's easily fixed, and even I make the mistake. We all tend to have a way of speaking.

Again, if my review has offended in any way, I'm sorry.


Sincerely,

Memento Mori

Well, since someone already reviewed before me, I'll just tell you that I really liked it! (:
I think you have a good idea going, and I loved the description. I still feel like your main character is whining way to much, but that's probably because I don't really feel a bond to her. I wouldwork on that.

This left me with a lot of questions, which is good, but is it a prologue. You never said. It doesn't sound like a prologue or a first chapter. I think it would be a lot better when you add more to it. (: Anyway that's all I have for now, so I'll just leave you to it. If you continue this I would love to read and review it. Just PM me.

~Nicole

Hiya, Pix . You told me you had posted something new so I just had to check it out. As the nit-picks have already been done, I'll give you my thoughts on this and where I think you can improve . I hope this helps you out!!

--> Firstly, you need to try and vary your sentence startings. You used 'I' alot, which can become monotonous and it loses the flow of the story. This is such a hard thing to get out of the habit of doing, so I have a small suggestion that should (hopefully) help you out a little (: . When you read back through your work, underline every 'I' you use as a sentence starter, then you can see whether it has been overused, etc ^^

--> Secondly, length - this was way too short!! The idea of this that is coming accross so far is fantastic, and I love the way you show it, but you need to add in more detail, because otherwise it just seems a little rushed.

--> Thirdly, this is just an OCD nit-pick of mine: please don't use bold within your work. Italics is fine, but bold just looks messy, I think. It is entirely up to you whether you keep it or not, as this is your work, but my advice is to not keep it hehe =D.

--> Lastly, this was really good, but it can be even better with more work . The storyline is interesting, and I like your style of writing. You just need to slow down the pace, and add in more detail etc where needed. I will definitely be sticking around to see more of this!!

Great job, Pixie and Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx

P.S. You know where I am if you need more help, have a question or anything at all - please don't hesitate to PM me if you need it .

I am hooked! I love it. The most recent part of my novel has a rape incident in it too. I just think putting that twist in a story adds a lot of tension and emotion. I love the way you have written it though. But I will say it could use a little more detail. Other than that it's soooo SLICK!!!! awesome writing sweetie keep it up. PM me when you put up the next part! Im DYING to read it! x x x x x x

Hey Pixie =]

So I got your PM asking for help on chapter length, so I thought I'd try and explain a little here. Bear with me though - I'm a little rubbish at explaining things. PM me if things don't make sense

Right. So. Uh, I've read through your 'Untitled' story and the comments that reviewers have given you. I agree with all of them. The idea for this story is brilliant and I think you have succeeded in pulling the readers attention into the story. My only nit-pik would be the same as lucyy's. Detail. That is all you are lacking and is probably why it's so short. My chapters are long as I go into detail on the surroundings, characters expressions, feelings - Sometimes a little too much

Ideas;

When your MC walks into the house, you could describe the light coming from the living room so she knows that someone's in there. Also, it's night, yes? Describe how your MC is cold from the night, but she warms up a little from the warmth of the house - she'll still feel cold inside from what has just happened to her though.

Add in her Mum's tone of voice - is she surprised that her daughter is home early? Does she sound distracted by the soap she's watching? Maybe add in how your MC knows that it's safe to go upstairs without her Mum seeing her as she knows that her Mum always watches that particular soap in the evening.

Add in what the steam looks like. Fog swirling in the air? Mist? Does it calm her or remind her of what has just happened.

She's scared from what has just happened to her, right? Are her hands shaking when she runs the tap? When she takes her clothes off, does it make her skin crawl to remember him doing the same to her? Little details help to interlink thoughts and feelings.

Also, I think you could stand to do a little more showing as at the moment, the piece seems to be dominated by telling. That's not a bad thing, if that's your style of writing, but it means that we as a reader don't get to see things as your MC does. It all seems a little too rushed. She does one thing, then another, then another. You could break things up with thoughts, or feelings, or a description of the surroundings. The way the moonlight is shining through her bedroom window and creating shadows on her wall that is reminding her of him.

The pyjamas she picks. Does she pick them because they comfort her? They remind her of a warm memory?

All of my suggestions, are just that and you don't have to take any notice if you don't want to

I hope I've been of some help to you, and if you have anymore questions, then don't hesitate to PM me again.

xDudettex

Hey! I really like this piece. I think it has so much emotion in it, and sadly, it portrays a situation where many girls have been in. Since this is not posted under "Non-Fiction" I'm guessing that it didn't happen to you, thank God for that. As I said in your other piece of writing, I think this piece has potential to be extended. Also, I think it'd be more interesting if you added more details. For example, why would the main character think that their mother doesn't care what is happening to her? Basically, add a background to the story. Also, include if she has a father. I think this piece of information is important because, if you had a father in the story, it could go into a whole different perspective
Just wanted to say that. Overall, I think this piece is really awesome. You're extremely talented at conveying emotions through your writing.

Whoa. I actually really liked this. Although the details were sparing (what exactly happened to her and why? Was she attacked? assaulted? It's almost impossible to tell.) it hooks the reader and makes them want to know more. I think this would do wonderfully as a longer piece.

Thank you all so much for reviewing!
I know some of the details are a little sketchy, but hopefully it'll all be explained as the story progresses. Think you can bear with me that long? Well, I sure hope so!
The second part should be up soon, I just need to finish the editing and then you can all tell me what you think!
Feel free to keep reviewing! Reviews make me happy!
x

Hello Dark Eyed Pixie,

I would love to give yo a detailed long review about how much you've dragged me in to your work but at the moment I should be studying for my exam this after noon and if I don't stop my washing machine I think it might eat me so... I'll be back later

Well hi, Pixie!! You are a part of my celebration of freedom (thank you for the dancing elephant by the way ) as I'm celebrating by catching up on my reviews!! Hehe, anyway I'm so sorry it took me so long to get to reviewing your edited piece... I just hope this will help you out!! Well, off we go... (:

[?] = I've added something in that I'm not too sure about.

Dark Eyed Pixie wrote:I'm sorry, I know it's been ages since I last posted this (blame the exams). A very big thank you to xDudettex for all her help and lucyy [wow, I feel so privileged to be mentioned!! And you are most welcome, I enjoy helping you out (: ] ,SakuraFallsSweetly♥, WhiteTiger93, Memento Mori, packmasterk2 for their awesome reviews. Enjoy!

No one can know. No one can ever know. [Great opening sentence! This really grabs the reader's attention - great job!! =D]
I fumble around in the dark for the spare key. Opening the door quietly, I notice light spilling from the sitting room, lighting up the hallway. I pause by the door, listening to a hysterical woman shouting for Jimmy to come back. [Is that from the TV? You may want to make it a little clearer ]
“How was the party, Hun?” Mum asks,[delete comma] distractedly . She’s curled up on the sofa, watching some pointless soap.
“It was fine,” I call as I walk down the hall. I’m not lying, I tell myself, the party was fine. It was on the way home…. She calls out something about getting a takeaway since I’m home early.
“I’m not hungry,” I shout back. [At this point, in this paragraph, try and work in some emotions - what is your MC feeling, not just thinking? Incorporate the two together]
I lock the bathroom door behind me and lean against it, tipping my head back until it touches the hard wood. “Why?” I whisper,[delete comma] hoarsely into the silence. Closing my eyes, I listen carefully; faintly I can hear Mum’s soap.
[New paragraph>>] “Jimmy, I love you….”
[NP >>]I walk over to the cabinet over [you've used 'over' twice here - try and replace one of them to avoid repetition (: ] the sink. Catching sight of my reflection in the mirror, tears come to my eyes. My brown curls are matted with blood. I wince as my hair catches against the open cut on my neck. I reach up with my hand, feeling around for it. My fingers are covered in blood as I pull them back. I turn on the tap for the bath, my hands shaking and let the steam fill the room, fog up the mirror so I can no longer see my teary, broken reflection [?]. I tear off my clothes, and lower myself into the scolding water, but I don’t feel anything - my body is now numb of any feeling [?]. I reach for the soap and sponge and start scrubbing, until my skin is red. I can still feel his sweaty hands. Angry tears start spilling before I can stop them.[This is a great image you have created here - I can really see the scene as though it was a movie - great job!! (: ]

I don’t know how long I lay in the water for before mum knocked on the door.
“Sweetie, you’ve been in there for ages, you ok?”[Her Mum's tone of voice?] Like you care, I think bitterly.
“I’m fine, must have dozed off,” I lie smoothly. In truth, I had been trying every[delete gap: all one word]thing to get rid of the feeling of… No, I can’t think about that. Pulling myself out the still steaming water [surely the water wouldn't still be hot is her mother's checking up on her? Surely she'd been there in a while which made her mum check up on her, and the water would have cooled off?], I winced as the cool air hit my now raw skin. Wrapping myself in a towel, I pull out the plug and watch the water swirl down the drain.
[NP for emphasis >>]If only everything would disappear that quickly, without a trace. [s]As if it was never there[/s] [I would nix this, as it's too much of a run on from talking about how you wish things would disappear quickly].
[NP >>]I open the door quietly, hoping mum isn’t in the hall. I can hear her clattering around in the kitchen. I hurry in to my bedroom, closing the door behind me. Shivering, I pull the towel closer around me. I dump my dress [maybe a small description of the dress {how it was before the incident} - was it cheap? Expensive? Short? Red? ]into the bin. It’s filthy. It has blood around the neck and a small tear near the hem, reminders of everything I want to forget. I kick the bin, then the wall. Stumbling slightly, I make my way over to the window, and stare out on[delete gap: all one word][/b]to the perfect garden below. There’s a full moon tonight, though the clouds are covering it , dimming the light which is spilling through the branches of the large tree, casting shadows around the room.[This is a nice description, but it sounds slightly awkward - try and split it up into two sentences, as I think it would fit better that way - what do you think?] I rummage around in my drawer looking for pyjamas. I pull out a massive t- shirt and my old, shabby pyjama pants. Crawling into bed, I close my eyes, determined not to start crying again. I curl up into a ball, hugging myself tightly.

The nightmares began that night.

Overall Thoughts
This was very good!! You created some great imagery and really used her thoughts to express how she was feeling. I felt as though I was there, seeing her go through what she was, feeling her pain because you let me. Great job!! The only thing I can think of for you to improve is to express some more of her feelings - saying what she felt instead of what she thought, yes? (: Great job, Pix, and I can't wait to read on!! =D
PM me, as always if you have any questions or anything, and I hope this review helped you out!!

Keep Writing!!
--Lucyy xx

I really like but I read the 2nd chapter first so now im a little lost as to how it all fits together but Ill figure it out. Maybe you have her mom call her by name so we could learn her name in the begining unless ur about to reveal it in some cool way in the next part lol. maybe you could also describe her a little more physically but whatever you think. off to read the next one