Life After Death part 1

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I lay there, listening to their pleas, crying out to reach a life form. I could only sit there, upon the satin gold laced bed cover, pondering over my brethren. Soon, I would help them tare the very being from the dying flesh. I couldn't help but imagine myself encountering the innocent mortal’s skin. My teeth slowly sinking into the bloodstream, draining the very thing that kept the horrible rhythm of the heart beating. The warm sensation still left over from the feast on my lips. I can't imagine taking a life, all those years just wasted in a single moment. But yet, this urge to taste blood once again seemed to be unavoidable. I wanted to hear their screams, crying out to stop from dying. I wanted to feel their warm skin against my marble complex. The way that the veins popped out made me blood lusted; I wanted to take that life. It was a game to us, to take their life; we played with them, stalling the murder. It was amusing, arousing to us all. Our weekly kill was more then enough to satisfy the hunger, but taking down each weakling, one by one, taunting and planning out each step was more fun. I stood there, upon the blood red carpet, encrusted with gold lining, placing my hand on the dark wood door. It was internally black; the only glimpse of light was from the dim glow of candles, out side the door. I opened the excruciatingly heavy door, staring down the hallway to the collection of people at the end. Opera lights hung by each door and each with the same dark mysterious feel to it. The hallway’s carpet matched every other aspect of the house, a single long carpet, blood red, stretching down the hall with a curvy gold design. It didn’t touch the walls, but was long enough to meet each room that connected it. The black leather couches against the walls were crowed with our guests, each couch accompanied by a small table and two wine glasses. What a horrible death trap this place is. This whole manor seemed to be organized by a Goth designer with OCD.
I blinked a couple of times, staring at the half gorged crowd, which was my family. The stunned humans on the ground of the carpet, and the blood slowly seeping into it.
“Angie my dear,” a gentle man with piercing green eyes placed his hand on my shoulder. His dark red cloak brushing against my arm.
“Hmm?” I stared up at him, his grown out, shaded brown hair complementing his eyes and complexion.
“I believe it’s you turn.” His eyes gleamed down at me while he smiled, his white fangs staring at me. He leaned in close to my ear, nudging my air with his nose.
“You have not fed enough for tonight; I can see it in your eyes.” I felt him smiling while he spoke to me. “Lewy is here, he’s been watching you, and you should impress him. It would be a great benefit to our colony.” I glanced over to our over lord Lewy, sitting upon a black leather chair, his fingertips tracing his ring as he spoke to his associate. He smiled, looking at me and Lucas.
“Perhaps I will then” I took his hand off of me, stepping on the carpet. The family immediately got off of the main path, showing their respect for their superior. The human boy we call ‘Palo’ kneeled down in front of me.
“Shall I release the subject for you?” he bowed his head.
“Please do,” He stood up, running off to the end of the empty hallway. He opened the single door at his last step. An excruciatingly terrified being stared at Palo, not budging from his spot. He looked at me with wide eyes.
“PALO!” I yelled down the hall. The boy quickly grabbed the man, tossing him in the hall. He locked the door behind him, as the man fell onto the bloodied carpet. I remember when I first came to this house, all the carpets were white. Surprisingly it didn’t smell, or maybe I didn’t notice it in at the time. I’ve been here for so long, I painted these carpets, these walls, the beds, anywhere I could with their blood. I would kill them, one by one, taking pride in this sport we host. One human per vampire-If you do not entertain our guests with your kill, you are shone from the clan. If you succeed in winning your pride, you are awarded and earn more respect as we go along our journey into darkness. Anywhere you kill them; we cannot remove the body until the blood seeps deep into the carpet, our traditions are strange, but we must fulfill them. Our ways are different from other immortals. We are simpler, classic, but also a lot more violent. We kill innocents for sport, we drink they’re blood out of wine glasses and we follow the Veichaunce ways. The Veichaunce are the clan that gave birth to our great nation. They began out small, weak, but now the Veichaunce vampires are taking over. Lewy Veichaunce was watching me, watching him as I slowly observed my prey. The mad clawed away at the door, but it was too late, I had already made up my mind. I saw the horror in his eyes, pleading to stay away from death.
“P-p-please! Don’t kill me! Whatever you want! I’ll give it to you, just spare my life!” a small trail of tears washed down his face. The back of my hand swung, hitting his face, he hit the ground as I glared.
“Get up.” I said in an angered tone. He did what he was told, shaking a bit as he whimpered in pain.
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll give you a five second start to run to that door if you touch it, I will set you free,” He looked confused as if I didn’t make sense to him. I pointed down the long hallways, to my door near Lucas.
“Now if you fail-well, we won’t go into details.” I smiled at him demonically. I pressed my shoulder blade against the wall behind him.
“Go,” I laughed as he ran foolishly. It seemed as if it was in slow-motion, he clearly had major physical issues, but I watched him still. I gave him more then five seconds so he could get a better chance of surviving. He wasn’t more then half way down the hall, when I tackled him into the carpet, his body slipping a few feet in the wet blood. I sat on top of his cowering body, digging my nails into his shoulder to make him scream. The smell of his blood made me grin. I stood, staring down at him. He continued to cry, such a horrible way to plead for life. I lifted him up, against the wall so I could see him better. He stared down at me, his eyes full of pure agony. He couldn’t stop his tears; it was quite annoying really, his own blood trailing on his clothes and face. I could feel Lucas’s stare from a mile away, his smirk grinding into the back of my head.
“Please!” his tone was weak and desperate. His voice echoed in my head as I tilted my face, looking at him strangely. I ripped into his neck, slowly satisfying my need to feed. His yell, no one could hear tonight, his scream, not even close to escaping the house. I could feel his pulse slowly weaken, his heart about to stop, I pulled away right before he died, sliding him down the wall, leaving a trail of crimson gold. He lay cold and lifeless, painting the walls of the manor. Lewy stood up, as I exhaled, he was clapping for me; I wiped the blood smeared on my lips as others began to clap as well. My boots squashed into the blood on the ground, slowly walking towards our overlord. Lewy opened his arms wide to me. I nodded in gratitude as he surprisingly tightened me in his cold embrace. He pointed to the chair next to him for me to join; I appreciated this opportunity to be at his side. He stared at the crowd, who immediately stopped talking out of loyalty.

Writers note: I have more and will most likely post them if enough people enjoy this little preview. I put up this novel because I never got a true answer from my friends if it was good or not. I'm not trying to copy the twilight saga, I try to come up with my own personal ideas and not come close to the book. Please respond, your insight would be great.




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There were quite a few mistakes, and I like to have my own little blood sport picking them out if you don't mind >:D
marble complex
--> marble complexion
made me blood lusted
--> made me lust for blood
which was my family
--> that was my family
What a horrible death trap this place is.

ground of the carpet
--> carpet
grown out
--> long
you turn
--> your turn
colony
--> (a group of vampires is called a coven)
all the carpets were white
--> blood turns brown when it dries, so painting the carpets, walls, etc, red with blood wouldn't actually work out very well.
shone
--> shunned
they’re
--> their
We are simpler, classic, but also a lot more violent. We kill innocents for sport...
Classic vampires never killed innocents for sport, only when it was necessary.
Now if you fail-well, we won’t go into details.”
He already knows this, so why is your character telling him again?
need to feed
--> cliche

However, your plot was pretty interesting, and I liked your characters a lot... so I'm looking forward to reading the rest >w<
"God is dead." -Nietzsche
"Nietzsche is dead." -God




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I read a lot of vampire stories these days because of the twilight saga "gold rush" but, as you stated, your story as nothing to do with the saga. Also in the saga it was no where near as bloody. As, i know the mains name is Angie but if its she is a she make her "seem" like a girl. Yes, shes a vampire and all but shes still a girl. Also, do a little research like a vampire group is called a coven, for one thing, and one more thing, don't forget the plot. Don't just go around killing and etc. Make it interesting! looking forward to the next part
You can never be perfect...
You are what you are~




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Hey there,

Vampires are uber cool, no matter what Meyers did to them, no matter than when these days you say "vampire", the automatic response is - "Edward?!" That's silly. Writing about vampires does not necessarily mean you're writing a rip off of "Twilight", which would be hard to do for obvious reasons.

As you've probably noticed, I'm not a fan myself. I might like the writing istelf - the style, so to say - but I'd have a lot to say about plot and characters. But this is not the time or place, no? This is about your story.


***


The first thing that I noticed is a giant bob of a paragraph. A really big one. Visually, that's not good, not good in any way, really. What I mean is that a reader would blink once, twice, and then run. My suggestion is to split it up, a few times even, to make it - friendlier, so to say? Not awe-inspiring in the sense of "fear me".

Next on is dialogue punctuation. Sometimes it was right, sometimes it wasn't - a lottery. I won't go into details here as the first best article on d.p. will make everything clear.

Awkward phrasing - "life form" in that first sentence, for example. But after phrasing comes description, and yours is very good, vivid. Emotions are also very nicely portrayed.



Esme



EDIT: I just discovered something that's been bugging me for some time. I venture into the Fantasy section, see your name and story, and see no review. My review. And I'm certain that I wrote it! I search my computer, seeing if I wrote it and perhaps never posted it... Yeah.

Double posting!



I have writer's block. I can't write. It is the will of the gods. Now, I must alphabetize my spice rack.
— Neil Gaiman