Dead Baby Andie

This is a short intro and feedback would be great!
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Death...

We've all heard of it, it's where life ends, the heart stops beating, no more air fills the lungs, the blood slows and become almost frozen and stiff, heat stops coming out from the skin and the spirit that was inside the body is suppose to go away. I had no idea what to do, the grass my body layed on was cold, dew from it slid across my legs and feet. My yellow cotton sundress had been ripped to my knees, it was bloody in the middle, I'd lost my shoes, and my curly hair was all over the place.
My eyes were open, staring at the almost black sky. There was no shiny lights, no warm hand to take mine, no one by my side telling me what to do next, no halos and beautiful voices singing. I tried to get up but nothing happened. nothing hurt, I just couldn't feel anything.
I felt so betrayed, my life was stolen from me, I'd never hear my name from my mother's lips again. Never hear her yell, her laugh, or see her tears. I tried to make tears come to my own eyes, no use. The pluming no longer worked, and the worst thing was that if I were still alive i would laugh, but there was no irony in being dead.
My name is Baby Andie Jane, I'm 17 and in case you haven't figured it out. I'm no longer among the living. This would be just the beginning of my story.



Thanks for reading, more coming soon.
-Max

Awesome, I love getting the first review. So, I’m just going to do a simple line by line to point the main problems that I found.

We've all heard of it, it's where life ends, the heart stops beating, no more air fills the lungs, the blood slows and become almost frozen and stiff, heat stops coming out from the skin and the spirit that was inside the body is suppose to go away.

So, I like the idea here but the way this line is constructed, well, it’s too much. Try to find some places to break it up. I’d recommend putting one at the end of: “…heard of it.” “…beating, and no more air fills the lungs.” The next chunk could be revised to say: “The blood slows, becoming almost frozen and heat stops radiating from your body.” A few word changes but nothing drastic. “Most importantly, the spirit inside you body was supposed to go away.”

I had no idea what to do, the grass my body layed on was cold, dew from it slid across my legs and feet. My yellow cotton sundress had been ripped to my knees, it was bloody in the middle, I'd lost my shoes, and my curly hair was all over the place.

This entire section is rather chunky. Again, it just needs to be broken up and word choice should be reevaluated. For instance, “I had no idea what to do.” is a nice sentence on its own. The rest of it would read better as something more like: “The grass where I lay (layed isn’t a word.) was cold with dew sliding across my legs and feet. My yellow cotton sundress had been ripped past my knees with a stain of blood at (the or my) (rather then use the word middle, tell where exactly the blood is, her abdomen, her chest. Where? And put that here). I’d lost my shoes and my hair was falling around my face in a mess. (using the word curly is a very out of the blue adjective.)

My eyes were open, staring at the [s]almost[/s] black sky.

Using “almost” slows down the flow of the text.

There was no shiny lights, no warm hand to take mine, no one by my side telling me what to do next, no halos and beautiful voices singing.

I think this section is very well thought out but with a new choice of words, it would sound, well, awesome.

I tried to get up but nothing happened. nothing hurt, I just couldn't feel anything.

Here is just a small punctuation error. You used a period after happened and therefore, “nothing” should be capitalized.

I felt so betrayed, my life was stolen from me,

This one part would work well as two sentences instead.

I'd never hear my name from my mother's lips again. Never hear her yell, her laugh, or see her tears.

The second half of this needs to have a subject. Yes, “I” is understood, but it’s improper grammar and therefore, this becomes nothing more then just a list.

I tried to make tears come to my own eyes, no use.

Change the comma to a semicolon and follow it “it was”

alive i would

Capitalize

My name is Baby Andie Jane, I'm 17 and in case you haven't figured it out. I'm no longer among the living. This would be just the beginning of my story.

This section is very well done. It gives you a sense of what the story is going to be about.


All together, the idea is awesome, but the presentation wasn’t the greatest. Even if it sounded good read out loud, it had a lot of errors in sentence structure.

Give me a holler if you want me to follow up the next part or if you have any questions.