Deleted.

Thanks Angel; I really appreciate the work you put into your review, and I'll use it, but I've decided to work on this part and the rest for awhile, and so I've deleted this version.

xx

Howdy Mars!

I don't ever remembering reading any prose by you, so I will gladly review this for you.

Okay!

Snow blanketed the streets of Chicago, transforming the big city into something that would make anyone take notice. It deceptively covered the ice, which could disable a careless pedestrian in fifteen seconds. Under the mellow glow of streetlights, a young man stumbled out of a pub. Though lacking a coat, the freezing cold did not seem to bother Jack. He wandered the pavement, feeling alone despite the five other bodies on the street, and watched the sky begin to lighten.

I quite like this paragraph here but it needs some work.

Sentence 1:

"Snow blanketed the streets of Chicago..." was a great way to begin this sentence but the rest of it is just a bland. The first sentence is like the chocolate in a chocolate chip cookie (sorry for the food analogy) But anyways, you need it in order to have a good cookie or story in this case, you need it to hook the person in and sometimes you need to add that extra umph to really grab a reader's attention.

So my suggestion, to you would be to use a lovely metaphor or something short and sweet.

Example:

Snow blanketed the streets of Chicago, transforming it into a silvery palace.

Sentence 2:

I really really don't like this sentence. Mainly because it doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything. Imagery is important and you want to make your reader see what's going on but sometimes you need to know what senses to appeal to. This, to me, doesn't seem important. I want to know what this story is going to be about and I really don't care about the ice or the snow being able to a make a careless person fall. I'd nix that sentence, but that's just my opinion.

Sentence 3:

It's a nice sentence but they don't seem to connect. It needs to be reworded. Now some people may disagree with this but we need to know your character's name especially since you choose to write in third person. And this seems like the perfect time to bring him in.

Example:

Jack stumbled out of the pub.

I took out the bit about the streetlights because, again it's not really important and these two ideas just don't seem to click, you know?

Sentence 4:

Hmm? Well, this is an ok sentence but I feel that this can be so much better. You can explain what he's wearing without going into too much detail. Maybe tell us how the cold might feel to him.

Sentence 5:

This is a lot to take in in one sentence. That's another thing you should watch, your sentence structure. Be sure to throw in small, medium and large sentences. It makes stories flow better when you have a variety. But anyways, I'd split this sentence into two.

In all of the many nights spent wandering the city, drunk and alone, he had never hallucinated, so he squinted his eyes to make sure that he was seeing right. In front of him, a great cloud of rose-colored dust was rising from the asphalt, spinning faster and faster, and forming a small tornado.

Ok, it seems as though your writing has cleared and this is a lot better than the beginning but this is all coming too fast. That's like writing a story and saying.

"The sky was filled with innocent clouds of purple and gold. Mary stared up at it, wondering why the stars were absent that night. She was wearing her glasses and she was sure she wasn't daydreaming. There was something in front of her..."

That's a horrible horrible example to use to try to explain what I'm trying to say to you but you want to make sure you transition. You can't just be walking down a street and then all of a sudden see something weird or you can in real life, but this is a story and your reader wants to feel the character's reaction or the fear or whatever before they say that they see something.

"The sky was filled with innocent clouds of purple and gold. Mary stared up at it, wondering why the stars were absent that night. A bright light skidded across her view, illuminating the street in an eerie green glow. Wind curled through her hair and in the distance, she could something round coming closer and closer. She was wearing her glasses and she was sure she was awoke. But for some reason, what she saw both scared and confused her. Both feelings whirled around inside of her, like the sides of this round object. She squinted her eyes, to make sure she wasn't hallucinating. And then, a great green-colored dust covered the street attuned with a loud hum..."

You see the difference?

None of the pedestrians hurrying along the street paid the curious scene any attention.

I wouldn't the scene as curious...another word perhaps.

Okay, though it was a little rough, I enjoyed it. But I do think you need to work on your sentence structure, imagery and don't be scared to make this scene longer. I want to get inside Jack's head...a little.

Please, if you have any questions, PM me and also I want to know what happens next, so keep me updated!

Keep writing,

~Angel

Nice job! =3

Locked by author's request.