The Story of The World -edited somewhat.

X

Submitted for judging.

I love your title. So, here goes.

danced in the dessert dry,

*desert, with one s. A dessert is the sweet stuff you eat after a meal.

steeling goods and many a heart,

*stealing. I like the 'many a heart' bit.

and how they spent their long summer days.

Favorite line so far!

I learned from all those tales,
that some say bonjour, hola, guten tag,
while *some? say ni hao or ohayou gozaimasu,
but some say sholam, namaste, salam and marhaba.

The problem I have with this stanza is that it's so repetitive. For example, tales, you just said that twice (if you count the word tails) and by now it's annoying - what about stories instead? Same goes for all the some says's. I get that it's a way of showing how we're all different, but we're all really the same. But I just don't think it works. Two cents.

I think the main issue I have with this - and I'm not sure exactly how to explain it, so bear with me - is that I'm not sure exactly what you're trying to say. I mean, the first bit is all about spending long days with faraway countries, and that's excellent. And then it's about learning of other cultures through the penultimate stanza, and again, that's nice. But then the last stanza, which should slap me in the face with some point about the world we share - like how we all should live in harmony, how we all should love each other, how we're all unique in a wonderful away, or whatever. And tie the first bit in as well. But instead, it kind of...kind of almost approaches a point and then dodges away. There's the bear the hours away line, which I don't like, because it suggests that we write about our land out of boredom, which doesn't fit with the rest of the poem, and the last line kind of gets somewhere with diverse but not quite...and...yeah.

To sum up: my suggestion is to go back and really develop a point, so that I'm not left with a sense of "uh...okay?" and punch us in the face with it. Does that make sense?

Hope this helped. Good luck!
-Mars