Saved (part 4)

Okay. so I really like this part. I'm pretty satisfied, but I'm sure there is a lot of errors. That means it's time for those nasty little reviews I love. (: Thanks and enjoy!

Saved (part 4)
Hey Ian, wait up,” a shrill voice sounded behind me. I turned and saw Diana. I gritted my teeth, and tried to force a smile. She flipped her perfect, curly blonde, and gazed at me with her cold, icy blue eyes. She was gorgeous, of course, but completely shallow.
“How are you Diana?” I asked, leaning against the wall. It was my study hall and I really didn’t want to spend it with her. Diana pouted her pink, glossy lips.
“Oh, things are not good,” she sighed, dramatically. “I miss Kali. It’s not the same without her.” She fluttered her eyes at me. My stomach tightened and I clenched my fists. How dare she speak of Kali!
“Funny, I never really thought you two got along,” I said, trying to keep the anger from my voice. Diana was always jealous of Kali. She should be. While Diana may be pretty on the outside, inside she’s completely empty. Her eyes didn’t shine with light like Kali’s did.
“Of course we did,” she laughed, pushing me playfully.
“Mmm,” I replied, looking away. In the corner of my eye I saw Breanne. She was glaring at me from across the hall. Oh great, I thought, I hope she doesn’t think there’s anything between me and Diana.
“I’ll talk to you later,” I said, walking towards the library. Diana was grating on my last nerve, and Breanne was making me feel horrible. As always.
“I’ll see you after school then?” She called as I walked away.
“Maybe,” I shot back, before closing the library door behind me. I sat at one of the computer desks and got online. I checked my e-mail. I scanned through and stopped at the one that I knew as Breanne’s address. I opened it, my heart thumping.
Ian,
I want to talk to you. About everything. It’s time I got the answers I’ve been waiting for. Meet me in the library after school on May 2nd. Afterwards I’ll leave you alone. I just want to know. I loved my sister more than anything. She’s gone now, because you failed to do as you promised her. Whatever, I’m not going to argue about that. I’ll meet you there.
Breanne

I took a deep breath, squeezing my eyes shut. She wanted to meet me today after school. Fine, I just wanted it over with. I couldn’t stand looking into those betrayed, caramel brown eyes, any longer. I got up from the computer just as the bell rang and headed for my last class.
Inside the chilly room, I spotted Jake. I sat beside him, trying to regain my normal composure. Of course, he probably wouldn’t notice if I was crying at the moment. He was too busy ogling over Diana. I sighed watching the clock. I knew what was coming after class, so that just made the tine go by faster. Then, as if taunting me, the bell rang loud and slow.
“Hey Jake,” I said, as he starting packing up.
“Hmm?” He responded. “Can you wait after for me?” I’ll be out there as soon as possible.”
“Sure, “ Jake said, and without another word he left the classroom.
I left the classroom, taking my time, and headed for the library. As I stood in front of the door, I almost turned and ran. I gave a gusty sigh. I had to meet Breanne. I owed her that much. After all, I had taken her sister from her.
I turned the over-sized handle, my heart thumping and entered. It was easy to spot Breanne. Her long, strawberry blonde hair was strewed across her face. I sat at the desk beside her, and she sat up startled.
“I didn’t think you would really come,” she said, wiping her tears.
“I’m here.” That was all I could say. It was tearing at me to see Breanne in tears. “So what is it you want to know?”
“Tell me why you couldn’t save her,” Breanne said.
“I couldn’t find her. Well, until it was too late.” I replied.
“So you promised to save her, yet you abandon Kali when she really needs your help?” She questioned. I turned away from her.
“Look, I’m sorry. I loved your sister too. I didn’t save her and now it’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Are you satisfied now?” I asked, pushing my hair out of my eyes. Breanne looked confused, but then retaliated.
“No. I’ll never be satisfied. I admit, that is a plus, but it doesn’t change anything.”
“I know that, so why bring it up. Why not just try to leave those painful memories behind?” I asked, exasperated.
“Because,” she yelled, tears sparkling in her eyes, “I loved her and you took her away. First, she hung out with you and ignored me. Then she died when you could have saved her! I hate you! “ She pushed me and I caught her hands. Those beautiful brown eyes filled with so much pain.
I leaned down and kissed her. Her lips started moving with mine, and I stroked that short, brown hair. I pulled away to look into those eyes. I saw confusion, love, and hope.
“Kali, I’ve missed you so much,” I whispered without thinking. The girl pulled away from me and I snapped into reality.
“I’m sorry Ian,” Breanne said. “Like I said in the e-mail, you won’t have to see me again.” She ran away from me.
“Breanne wait!” I screamed running after her. She ran faster and I lost sight of her as she turned the corner. I stopped and sighed. What had I just done?

Even better than the last one! There is just one or two typos. When you said "tine went by faster" Should be "time". There isn't really anything wrong with it. I loved it! Hope you keep writing more soon..!! ! ! PM me when you do.! x x x x x x x

Hello again wow! I was not expecting that! I thought this was a really good part, it could do with going over a little bit in the details, but what actually happens was great, I thought it was a good twist

Hey Ian, wait up,” a shrill voice sounded behind me. I turned and saw Diana.

You need a speech mark before 'Hey' and I'd maybe add a bit more to the second sentence, like 'I turned at hearing my name to see Diana.'

She flipped her perfect, curly blonde, and gazed at me with her cold, icy blue eyes.

I think you are missing 'hair' after 'blonde' here and I'd maybe leave out either 'cold' or 'icy' as they are just saying the same thing.

It was my study hall and I really didn’t want to spend it with her.

I was a bit confused here, did you mean to put 'study hour'? That might make more sense here but if you did want to say more about where they are I'd add it in somewhere else

While Diana may be pretty on the outside, inside she’s completely empty. Her eyes didn’t shine with light like Kali’s did.

I think 'her eyes didn't' should be 'her eyes don't' here as before you were referring to the present.

In the corner of my eye I saw Breanne. She was glaring at me from across the hall.

I think you could rephrase the first sentence a little, perhaps something like 'out of the corner of my eye I could see Breanne' might be better here. I think you could also maybe join these two sentences by just taking away 'She was' before glaring

Oh great, I thought, I hope she doesn’t think there’s anything between me and Diana.

As these are his thoughts, maybe putting them into italics would work well.

I said, walking towards the library. Diana was grating on my last nerve, and Breanne was making me feel horrible. As always.
“I’ll see you after school then?” She called as I walked away.

I'd maybe think about adding something to the first sentence like 'past her' after 'walking', just to show clearly how he is blanking her. Breanne isn't really doing much, it's her stare that is intimidating him. So maybe instead of 'Breanne was making me feel horrible' something like 'Breanne’s piercing gaze was making me feel horrible.' or another comment on her glare. I'd maybe change either 'walking' or 'walked' just so you are not repeating them so close to one another, perhaps the first 'walking' could be something like 'stepping' instead?

“Maybe,” I shot back

I don't know if 'shot back' is the right sort of thing to say here, I more think of it used in an argument as a retaliation. Maybe something like 'was my only reply' or 'I replied over my shoulder' would work well instead.

I sat at one of the computer desks and got online. I checked my e-mail. I scanned through and stopped at the one that I knew as Breanne’s address. I opened it, my heart thumping.

This all happens kind of quickly, I think you could add in maybe a couple of his thoughts of surprise at seeing the email as otherwise it sounds a bit like he already knew it was there. I think you could add more detail to this, like with 'got online' perhaps you could show the process of getting online. Here's an example overall:
'I sat down at one of the computer desks, flicking the on button and waiting impatiently for the internet to load. Once online, I scanned down through my inbox, checking my emails. I stopped at the familiar email address of Breanne. What's she doing emailing me? I clicked on the message, my heart thumping.'

Afterwards I’ll leave you alone. I just want to know. I loved my sister more than anything.

You don’t say what she wants to know, and I can see why she wouldn’t say but I’d maybe change the sentence a little to something like ‘There are just some things I need to know.’ so that it makes more sense why she wants to talk to him. I’d also think about putting the email into italics

I couldn’t stand looking into those betrayed, caramel brown eyes, any longer.

You have already described her eyes and you say their colour later on again so I’d maybe miss it out here, perhaps just ‘into those betrayed eyes’

I got up from the computer

Again, here I’d maybe change ‘got’ to something else with more detail like about him switching off the computer and standing up from his chair.

Inside the chilly room, I spotted Jake. I sat beside him, trying to regain my normal composure. Of course, he probably wouldn’t notice if I was crying at the moment.

‘the chilly room’ seemed odd here to me as I don’t think it really served much of a purpose, I’d maybe just keep it to something about him entering the lesson like ‘As I walked into my lesson, I spotted Jake.’ You haven’t mentioned about him crying before, if he is I’d maybe talk about it at the end of reading the email

“Hey Jake,” I said, as he starting packing up.
“Hmm?” He responded. “Can you wait after for me?” I’ll be out there as soon as possible.”
“Sure, “ Jake said, and without another word he left the classroom.

After ‘responded.’ I think you go on to say Ians own reply and this confused me as it is on the same line as Jakes, you need to move it down so it is on its own. You have an extra speech mark after ‘me?’ as well I’m not sure if ‘can you wait after for me?’ makes complete sense, and I’m not entirely sure why he asks him to wait and then Jake leaves, especially as he is going to meet someone some place else- maybe something about waiting in the canteen for him and that he would be there as soon as possible would make more sense. I think you could explain it a bit more

I left the classroom, taking my time, and headed for the library. As I stood in front of the door, I almost turned and ran.

You have just said that Jake left the classroom so I’d maybe change this one to something else, perhaps giving more detail on him picking up his bag and gathering his things to show he is playing for time. When you said ‘I stood in front of the door’ at first I did not know which door you meant, maybe you could say something about standing just outside of where he was to meet Breanne.

I turned the over-sized handle, my heart thumping and entered.

You have just used ’turned’ so I’d maybe say something like ’twisted’ here. I think you need a comma after thumping too generally I don’t give punctuation corrections but I’m pretty sure that’s what you need here.

Her long, strawberry blonde hair was strewed across her face. I sat at the desk beside her, and she sat up startled.

‘strewed’ sounded kind of awkward to me here, maybe something about her hair curtaining her face or falling across her face. You repeat ‘sat’ in the second sentence, I’d maybe change something like the second one to ‘jumped up,’ or ‘jolted upright,’.

It was tearing at me to see Breanne in tears.

Instead of ‘tearing at me’ ‘tearing me up inside’ is a more commonly used phrase that might work well here

“So you promised to save her, yet you abandon Kali when she really needs your help?”

I don’t know if this accusation is that good really as he didn’t abandon her, he tried to save her. Maybe instead accusing him of giving up on her after promising to save her would make more sense.

I didn’t save her and now it’s going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Are you satisfied now?” I asked, pushing my hair out of my eyes.

I’d leave out the ‘now’ after 'satisfied’ as you used it quite recently. I’m not sure about ‘pushing my hair out of my eyes’ as it’s not really pushing, it’s more flicking. I think you could maybe have a better action entirely here though to show how upset he is, like maybe gripping the table or feeling his eye brimming with tears, You could always describe more of how he is feeling instead as well.

“I know that, so why bring it up. Why not just try to leave those painful memories behind?”

I think you need a question mark after ‘bring it up’.

She pushed me and I caught her hands. Those beautiful brown eyes filled with so much pain.

I think it might sound better to say something about her going to push him but he caught her hands and you kind of jump to the next sentence, I think you need something else perhaps about their gaze fixing on one another or him staring down at her suddenly quiet. Perhaps ‘I gazed down into those beautiful brown eyes’.

Her lips started moving with mine, and I stroked that short, brown hair. I pulled away to look into those eyes. I saw confusion, love, and hope.

I’d change ‘that hair’ to ‘her hair’ and ‘those eyes’ to ‘her eyes’ as it sounded a bit strange to me here. As you have just said her eyes were brown maybe a different word here like ‘brunette’ ,‘auburn’ or ‘hazel’ would be good to describe her hair with. Instead of ‘I saw’ maybe ‘I could see’ would sound better

“I’m sorry Ian,” Breanne said. “Like I said in the e-mail, you won’t have to see me again.” She ran away from me.
“Breanne wait!” I screamed running after her. She ran faster and I lost sight of her as she turned the corner.

Why is she saying sorry? For kissing him? Surely then she would feel more angry than sorry towards him as before she was so annoyed at him. Perhaps something like ‘This is wrong.’ would be more appropriate. I think you could add more to ‘she ran away from me’- perhaps showing how she broke away from his arms and pushed herself off of her seat to run from the room. I’d maybe change ‘running’ and ‘she ran faster’ as you have just used running to show how she left, perhaps ’running’ could be something like ’sprinting’ and ’she ran faster’ ’she sped up’.

Overall: Like I said, I thought this was a brilliant twist and I really enjoyed this piece!

I can’t see much that could be changed overall, mostly I think just a bit more detail on the actions they use and trying to vary the actions you describe. I’d like a bit more of an insight into Ian’s mind at some points as to how he is feeling, by showing the characters expressions and perhaps adding some more of his thoughts in, I think it would really add more to the story.

I do think you could add more to Jake too, I really don’t know much about him yet and he doesn’t seem like that great a friend! I know he is busy ogling Diana, but maybe he could ask his mate if he’s OK or you could mention about him rambling on about her all lesson, just to show the interaction between the two of them.

I still love your storyline and I can’t wait to read the next part! As always, all my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you like and I hope I have helped! *star*

Wow Ian is a dope. I had a feeling something would happen between Ian and Brianne though.
Anywho, great work PM me when you have the next bit posted
xxxx