The Glass Room Torch (Edited)

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// This is a story I've been writing for a while, and this is like the third version of it (albeit it only the beginning). Please tell me what you think! I love criticism of any kind - thanks for the advice - it's much better already!//

The first thing she noticed was the cold. The second was the dark. It took some time for her to notice the third; she was so overwhelmed by the first two.
It was not the lack of food or water.
Nor was it the odd scream, muffled by the thick stone walls, that would pierce the utter stillness and silence of the large room every few minutes.
No, the third thing that Yoedine noticed – and the one that instilled the most fear in her – was the little she could see of her fellow captives. Infinitesimal portions of light crept through the minute gaps in the two doors, one at either end of the egg-shaped dungeon, allowed her to obtain a vague understanding of the room – and to see the blurred silhouettes of the others when they stirred. At first she did not think they were even people, their shapes were so bizarre. For people did not have wings with membranes thin enough for her to see the pale lines of veins; nor did they have multiple heads. But when the guards entered to take them out the far door, one by one, she could see them quite clearly.
Far, far too clearly.

* * *

She was woken by the guard she hated the most. Of course she had not actually been asleep; she had not had a single moment of true sleep the entire time she had been here – was it days? Weeks? Months? She had no idea – but she was coping somehow. So instead, she entered the surreal state of semi-existence, where she drifted through her own thoughts and memories, her eyes glazed and unfocused as she hovered between reality and unconsciousness. It was from this state – where the pain hovered just beyond the horizon of her mind – that she was unceremoniously plucked by the unpleasant and unwelcoming expression of her least favourite guard. He had a greasy, leering expression – accentuated by the wide scar down his cheek – and even greasier hair of the darkest brown. As if that was not bad enough, he was not wary of using violence whenever strictly unnecessary. All the prisoners despised him.
He dragged her through the sunless dungeon towards one of the two doors into it, and into the dimly lit corridor beyond. A single flaming torch was attached to an old rusted bracket on the damp wall, casting long, dark shadows. Yoedine shivered again, but not just from the cold.
When they reached the tall, narrow, black door that led to her worst nightmare, it creaked slowly inwards, revealing nothing but a sliver of darkness. Even after a seemingly infinite number of times entering this room, it still scared her senseless. The guard smacked the back of her head and thrust her through; she tripped on the wooden step put at the bottom of the doorway for that very reason, it seemed.
A pair of arms caught her roughly and slammed her down into a chair, which shook and creaked ominously.
Yoedine gripped the arms of the chair so tightly she could feel her dry, scaly skin stretching over her knuckles. She winced as the skin there cracked; it stung and was irritating, but nowhere near as bad as the pain she knew was to come. She eyed the potions on the old, stained table in the corner with intense trepidation.
The face that was suddenly directly in front of her own, appearing so unexpectedly and swiftly that she jumped, was not the one she had been expecting. He grinned at her reaction, his bejewelled teeth glittering in the low light emanated by the glowing potions.
“So,” he said, pushing himself up from his crouch and strolling casually around the chair. The movement caused his long ponytail to swing about, flicking over his shoulder. Yoedine realised too late that the leather straps, which had never been used on her before, had been secured around her arms and legs already. Gulping nervously, she strained to keep him in her eyesight.
“We managed to get the report.” Now he was holding something long and solid in one hand, and slapping it into his other at regular intervals. “Of a certain encounter from Soldier Tournstel today – finally,” he added slyly. The name seemed familiar somehow. “He was reluctant to share it at first, but – ah.” The guard laughed lightly, a smile spreading widely across his young face. “We cajoled it from him eventually.”
He was standing directly behind her, and Yoedine knew she could not see him even if she tried. The tension filling the room tightened the muscles in her neck. All she heard was the swoosh of something moving extremely fast through the air before there was a colossal bang and agony exploded in her head. Her eyes were over brimming with tears, a sob was choking her throat and her hands itched to clasp around her skull, which felt like it was breaking into many thousands of pieces.
The guard with the ponytail walked into her line of vision and crouched down in front of her, so that she could still see him with her head bent down into her chest. He was still holding the object he had hit her with. It was a sword.
Despite herself, Yoedine was intrigued. Not only was it a sword when she had been expecting a club – the guards’ weapon of choice – he was holding it by the blade. He met her eyes and smiled for a second, before he truly saw them. Her blue irises clearly unnerved him. Shaking his head, he straightened up and moved to Yoedine’s right. Now he was no longer in the blue shaft of light; he had moved into the red one.
“Tell me – Yoedine, is it? – what did you first notice about the other boy in your transportation group, Koetin Baskal?”
That name scorched through her mental layers of wrapping and pretending. The image of a different time, a different world flashed behind her eyes: a boy with reddish-brown hair and green-flecked eyes, smiling cheekily at her, the early morning sun twinkling in the sky. Yoedine squeezed her eyes shut and snapped her head from one side to the other. It was night time now, and the same boy was running with her through moonlit fields, scrambling with her through dark hedgerows, listening with her to the sounds of distant footsteps and shouts. She almost smiled, for the first time in weeks, at that memory: the time they had come so close to escaping the soldiers who were bringing them to this.
“I thought as much,” someone said. Yoedine frowned, and glared up at him; he was still clasping his sword. What had she said?
“Pardon?” she asked acerbically.
“Oh, ho ho!” he laughed. Yoedine felt the sudden, unbearable sensation that she had seen this guard before, but she had absolutely no idea where. “Ooh, ouch! They clearly have not been firm enough with you – you’ve still got fight in you, but that’s easily fixed.” He gripped the blade of the sword harder and slammed the hilt into Yoedine’s shin. Through the pain, she managed to see that he seemed to be wearing gloves made of metal.
“Let’s try this again,” he said loudly. “I don’t care if you two were close, and I don’t care about how he died. I do care that we couldn’t torture the truth out of him before he died...”
With an enraged roar, Yoedine strained furiously at the straps holding her back from leaping to her feet and demonstrating the strength his cruel potions had given her.
Someone who was not the new guard – another one with huge, hairy arms – wrenched her back against the seat, pulling her head back over its back. She saw the skeletal remains of an ancient chandelier hanging from the surprisingly high ceiling before it was blocked out by the unmistakable shape of a bottle. A bottle with glowing contents.
“I won’t let them put that down your throat,” promised the long-haired guard, who was becoming more and more familiar with every minute that passed, and Yoedine felt the hands holding her head back lift; she waited for the catch. “...if you tell me what I need to know.”
“How can I?” asked Yoedine, laughing quietly to herself. “You haven’t explained that yet.”
“What did Mister Baskal tell you about his family?” he hissed, swooping suddenly down into her face, a snarl twisting his previously handsome face.
“Nothing.”
He slapped her face.
“Not good enough!” he roared, as Yoedine gasped, the skin where he had smacked her burning and stinging, as if there were hot coals just beneath her skin. “What did he say? What did he say!”
“I told you!” shouted back Yoedine, her hands curling around the ends of the armrests. It felt oddly satisfying, when her nails dug deeply into the wood; large chunks of it fell with a soft clatter to the stone floor. “He never said anything!”
“Liar!” He smacked her again, on her other cheek this time; her head snapped to the side, and she turned it slowly back to glare at him with hate-filled eyes. “I know he spoke to you about his sister before he died. Tell me what he said, and tell me right now,” he spoke directly into her right ear. She cringed away from his warm breath and said nothing.
Honestly, she had no idea what he was talking about. Apart from the boy in question, who she definitely did know, none of what he was saying rang any bells.
“Speak!”
Again, Yoedine said nothing. She was scrutinising the guard, trying desperately to remember where she knew him from. Once again, he was stood in the shaft of blue light, and that helped her to place him finally.
“Aah,” she breathed, smiling knowingly at him. “I thought as much.”
Last edited by Cotton on Tue Apr 21, 2009 8:53 pm, edited 4 times in total.




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Heya there! Let's see what I can find.

So it was natural for her to be overwhelmed by those two facts to the extent that it took her some time to notice the third atrocity of the dank underground cage she was in.


This is a long sentence. Shorter sentences have a tendency to have more effect then the really long ones. You could easily reword it so it's shorter or split it into two. Either way, rewording is needed. I would nix the natural part of this sentence. You don't need it there. This sentence could easily be started off with a, "She became so overwhelmed, blah, blah, blah." It feels cluttered.

At first she did not think they were even people, their shapes were so bizarre.


What was so bizarre about their shapes? Please explain!

But when the guards entered to take them out the far door, one by one, she could see them quite clearly.

Far, far too clearly.


These two sentences confuse me. What was bad about her fellow captives? I do believe you could go into more description with what she saw. In the next part, you completely skip to another scene, leaving your reader in the dark. Were they bloody? Faces so bruised they were hardly recongizable?

Also, perhaps you explain why she is in this cell. She could be mulling over how she got into the dungeon. Of course, it may be explained in later chapters.

He dragged her through the lightless, sunless, warmth-less dungeon to one of two doors into the dungeon, and into the dimly lit corridor beyond.


The hallways are lightless? But before you said tiny portions of light were seeping through cracks into the cell. If there was light, where was it coming from?

He grinned at her reaction, and in the low light from the glowing liquids in the bottles on the old, stained table in the corner glittered off bejewelled teeth.


This sentence is long and I had to read it several times before I actually realized what was happening. Try shortening it down and slightly cut down on the description. Unless these liquids and the table are important in later parts.

Yoedine realised too late that the leather straps, which had never been used on her before, had been secured around her arms and legs already, so she could only watch him as far as her head could turn.


Another long sentence. Cut it down! It's like a little paragraph of its own >_< It would be easier to split this into two or three sentences.

“We managed to get the report,” he continued, but now he was holding something long and solid in one hand, and slapping it into his other at regular intervals, “of a certain encounter from Soldier Tournstel today – finally,” he added slyly.


Let's just rewrite this part. This is just an example:

"We managed to get the report." Now he was holding something long in solid in one hand as he slapped it into his other at regular intervals. "A report of a certain encounter from, blah, blah, blah."

Don't need a whole lot of description but enough to satisfy your reader. To make sense, add imagery and slow the pace down. You have a lot of description and it gets confusing at times. Also, you don't always need a dialogue tag after every time someone speaks.

“He was reluctant to share it at first, but – ah” the guard chuckled darkly, a malicious smile spreading widely across his young face.


You forgot to put a comma after "ah". Also, this guard seems to have one of those cliched, evil laughs.

He was stood behind her, and Yoedine knew she could not see him even if she tried, so she kept her head facing firmly forward, all the tendons and muscles in her neck taught, uncomfortably so.


Long sentence!!

Her eyes were streaming with tears, a sob was choking her throat and her hands itched to clasp around her skull, which felt like it was breaking into many thousands of pieces.


I thought tears streamed down your cheeks :? Perhaps saw her eyes swelled up with tears.

He met her eyes and smiled for a second, before he truly saw them.


Saw what? I'm lost.

“Tell me – Yoedine, is it? – what did you first notice about the other boy in your group, Koetin Baskal?”


What group? Must answer questions like this or you'll lose your reader! You skipped some explaining somewhere! It would be a very good thing if you had the MC remember what happened before she got into the dungeon or whatever happened in the dungeon.

With an enraged roar, Yoedine strained furiously at the straps holding her back from ripping his face off.


Ripping his face off? Really, dear. There has got to be some other way to describe how she wanted to beat him. Ripping his face off seems much different then all the description you've used before.

Someone who was not the new guard wrenched her back against the seat, pulling her head back over its back.


Well then who was this person who wasn't the new guard? Was this someone a woman or a man? Was it a guard? What?

“I won’t let them put that down your throat,” promised the guard, who was becoming more and more familiar with every minute that passed, and Yoedine felt the hands holding her head back lift; she waited for the catch. “...if you tell me what I need to know.”


Is this the guard that was hitting her with the sword or the person pulling her head back. :? Also, how was the guard becoming more and more familiar? Like she's been with him too long or that she recongizes him from somewhere?

It felt oddly satisfying when her nails dug deeply into the wood; large chunks of it fell with a soft clatter to the stone floor.


Smokin! She took hunks of wood out of a chair with her nails!? Even if I was angry enough I couldn't have been able to do that! Maybe put dents in the wood but take large chunks out? *thinks for a minute* Unless of course, it was really,really rotted and wet it would come out.

“I know he spoke to you about his sister before he died. Tell me what he said, and tell me right now,” he whispered directly into her right ear.


Nix the he whispered part. You don't need it in there.

“Speak, child!”


Child? He sounds like some scolding parent now. This is nothign like he was before with all the beating. I would think a more...crueler (not a word, I know) word.

~~~~~~

I must say, you've hooked me good. Very hooking story and you've left your reader at a perfect ending. You want us to know who this guard is and where she's seen him before. Also, we want to know what's going on ^_^

Sentences: You have many long sentences. Sentences that could be shorter. Long sentences seem to lose effect and can get confusing.

Description: Excellent description in many places. There is some in unnesscary places, but I could see everythign clearly. Also, you have some words that could easily be replaced with something more simplar ^_^

Overall: I loved this story. You have skimmed over some important details--which I hope will be explained in later chapters---but you have some wonderful description. You've got a wonderful hook and I wish to read more.

PM if you have any questions and when the next part is up!

Happy Writing!

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"




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Hey Lil!

I'm here to have a look at your story! Finally, I've been waiting a long time to read this! lol

Here we go then,

allowed her to obtain a vague understanding of the room – and to see the vague silhouettes of the others. - I always point stuff like this out. I dislike it when a word is used twice in a short space of time. It always jumps out at me and pulls me out of the story. So perhaps find another word to use instead of 'vague'. Also I didn't get straight away that by 'others' you meant other people. So perhaps you could say something like 'the vague silhouettes of the others moving'. Or just something that lets the reader know that you mean other people.

but, for some reason, she was coping somehow. - Again, this is sort of repetition for me lol I don't like the use of the word 'some' even though it is not strictly the same word. You could say 'but she was coping somehow'. Or 'but, for some reason, she was coping'. Or 'but, for some reason, she was coping against it all'

The guard smacked her on the back of her head and thrust her through; - You used 'her' a lot in this sentence perhaps just change the middle on to 'The guard smacked her on the back of the head' because you already know it is happening to her.

Other than that, as Meadow said there are quite a few long sentences that make some of the writing a bit confusing at times and I had to go back a couple of times to make sure I understood what I was reading.

I got a bit too absorbed in the story to notice anything else that is out of place lol and as I said I don't do grammar because I am terrible at it.

You have definitely hooked me and I so want to know what will happen next! The characterisation is good and the dialogue is all believable I think. You tell us enough that we want to continue but not too much, so we don't feel like we have read the entire story in the first section :)

The way you use description and not just sight but all the other sense of the body to describe what is happening to Yoedine and around her is really good. You just get this all round sense of what is going on, rather than a stunted one.

Let me know when you post the next part! And ask me if you have any questions.

Great story so far!

Bex x :)




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Hi there! I don’t think I’ve seen you around—I’m Zan, nice to meet you. ^_^

Wow, this was a really well-written first chapter. I think you did a very good job of putting us in the shoes of your main character—I feel so much sympathy for her already, and the story’s barely started. This opening chapter does very well at immediately establishing things—the atmosphere of the prison was very well done, suitably creepy; the main character was suitably sympathetic and in a bad enough situation to make me want to know what will happen next; and the antagonists were… uhm… jerks enough for me to want to root for your main character even more.

I actually think you struck a good balance between giving everything away and telling us so little your reader stops caring—which is something I always make a big deal out of when starting new stories where there’s some sort of questions that don’t get answered right away.

The only real problem I have with the main narration is the fact that both the guard characters are just kind of referred to as “the guard”—sometimes it’s pretty hard to tell who’s supposed to be who. Maybe you could give them names, or, if you don’t want to do that, find a different epithet for one of them? It might make the scene run more smoothly.

Otherwise, just a couple small choice-of-words critiques:

He dragged her through the sunless, warmth-less dungeon to one of two doors into the dungeon, and into the dimly lit corridor beyond.

“Warmth-less” sounds a little off from the tone of the rest of the story… it seems almost humorous to me, and as such, doesn’t quite fit.

He was stood behind her, and Yoedine knew she could not see him even if she tried.

“Was standing,” perhaps? “Was stood” just sounds awkward for some reason.

In any case, welcome to YWS, and I’ll be glad to read more of this if you post more—it’s a fantastic start.
"The world is not beautiful, therefore, it is." --Kino's Journey

Hey, how about a free review?




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Hey this is cool!
I like :D
It's really obsessive which is good cause you carry on reading it without noticing the mistakes etc which other people seem to be dealing with!
The only issue i have about this is that are too many other characters that we don't know and that's really confusing I find, but obviously this is just the first chapter.
It's got us all begging for more though so write the next one!!
Your writing's well paced and the fact that I want more is definitely a compliment!
I also like the balance between dialogue action and thought which is well lead,
overall, this isn't that original but i trust you'll make it so, still you deserve a gold star :D
xxxxxx
Velvet
ps: this story is supraobsesivalific!!!!



May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year