Saved (part 3)

Sorry, but I was on vacation. I got there and guess what I forgot? My laptop charger. I was hardly on and I could hardly write. (I hate writing with pen and paper, but I made do) Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!




Saved (part 3)

“Kali, come back,” I yelled, chasing after her. She laughed and ran a little father.
“C’mon!” She called. “You’re not afraid are you?” I smiled and chased after her. She was right in front of me, and as I went to hug her, she stepped backward.
“What are you doing?” She asked, knitting her eyebrows together. I stared at the creases in her forehead. God, I had missed her so much.
“I was going to hug you. You know, that little show of affection for someone you really care about,” I laughed.
“You’re not my best friend. I’m dead because of you. Some friend you are,” Kali said, a disgusted expression replacing her normal, smiling features.
My smile vanished and my throat tightened.
“Don’t even try to act like you’re sorry Ian. You promised to save me. You’re nothing more than a liar and a murderer,” Kali said, maliciously.
“Please, Kali,” I croaked. “I’m sorry. Forgive me.
“Forgive you?” She asked, raising her eyebrows. “Ha! I had planned so much with my life and now it’s gone. You took my life and Breanne is right to blame you.”
“Kali please,” I begged.
“Enough!” She yelled. “I hate you for what you’ve done! I hate you!”

I sat up gasping in my bed. I felt tear tracks on my face, and wiped at the angrily. If my friends saw my now, I would be the object of ridicule for the rest of the year. Though after everything that has happened, it suddenly seems stupid. What did it matter?
I got up and went downstairs. In the kitchen I poured myself a glass of water and gulped it down quickly.
I made it back up to my room. I sought the security it always offered, but tonight it was just the opposite. Every time I started to doze I heard those horrific words Kali screamed at me. Even if it was a dream, I couldn’t bear the thought that she hated me.
I took a deep breath and thought about tomorrow. School would be difficult. Breanne seemed to be everywhere, even if she was in a grade lower than me. Every glare she gave me reminded me of Kali. Those soft, brown eyes, staring with such hatred that I thought it would kill me.
I sighed and turned on my back. Unconsciousness was what I needed. It would come soon and I would gladly succumb, just as I always did. Well, since Kali’s death. I felt it pull on my eyelids. I closed them without a fight and felt dreams invade my mind. I hoped.
---
“Ian!” My mom yelled. “Get up!” I yawned and stretched, last night’s nightmare fading. My feet hit the icy hardwood floors and I shivered. I showered quickly, lingering longer than usual. I found a pair of my old gray sweats and put those on, followed by a hoodie.
I trudged down the stairs and immediately headed for the kitchen. Mom was already there, draining her glass of liquor. I sighed. She’s been drinking since the divorce. She looked my way and nodded as I poured a bowl of cereal.
I ate it as fast as I could. Mom was usually angry in the mornings and since Dad was no longer around, there was no one else to yell at, except me.
I ran back up stairs and brushed my teeth. I looked in the mirror and sighed. Mom told me to get a haircut, but I ignored her. I loved the way my curly hair fell into my eyes. Kali had told me that when we were ten and I haven’t changed it since.
I closed my eyes and headed downstairs again. Why did I always think of her when I knew how much it hurt?
“Bye mom,” I said before slamming the door behind me. Jake was already outside, waiting in that ratty old station wagon his mom got him for his birthday.
“Hey,” I said, closing the door behind me. Jake lifted his chin in his way of saying, “Hi.”
“What happened yesterday?” I asked.
“Nothing really, but then again I never really pay attention,” Jake laughed.
“You’re going to fail another grade,” I sighed. “It’s a wonder you’ve only failed one so far.” Jake rolled his eyes. I saw the school looming up ahead and I couldn’t help but groan. What kid didn’t hate school? Jake laughed at me.
“It’s not that bad, Ian. I mean, yeah, we all have better things we want to do, but you act like this is Hell,” he laughed.
“It is. It’s like my own personal Hell,” I grumbled. He had no idea.

Hi! I'm really glad you posted the next part!

“Kali, come back,” I yelled, chasing after her.

As he is yelling this, maybe an exclamation mark after ‘back’ might be better than a comma.

I smiled and chased after her. She was right in front of me, and as I went to hug her, she stepped backward.

You have just said ‘chasing after her’ so I’d maybe change ‘chased after her’ here. As he is standing in front of her in the next sentence, maybe something about catching up with her would be good here too. For instance- ‘I smiled as I ran to catch up with her.’ And I’d maybe add something afterward about coming to a stand still as you jump from him chasing her to him trying to hug her and she stepping backwards- this would mean she was facing him as well so either he ran around in front of her or she turned around To the last sentence I’d maybe change ‘and as I went to hug her’ to ‘but as I went to hug her’ and ‘backward’ to ‘backwards’.

“You’re not my best friend. I’m dead because of you. Some friend you are,” Kali said, a disgusted expression replacing her normal, smiling features.

I think you could say something better than ‘said’ to show how she says it, like ‘spat’ or ‘hissed’. I’d also maybe change ‘a disgusted expression replacing her normal, smiling features.’, it sounded a bit awkward to me. Maybe something like ’her smile swiftly replaced with a look of disgust.’ You could always add more detail as to how it was a disgusted expression as well- like her mouth sneering, her eyes cold and her nose wrinkled or something like that

I croaked. “I’m sorry. Forgive me.

You missed out the speech mark on the end here

“Ha! I had planned so much with my life and now it’s gone. You took my life and Breanne is right to blame you.”

‘I had planned so much with my life and now it’s gone’ I think could be phrased a bit differently to sound smoother. Perhaps something like ‘I had so much planned for the future, but it’s all pointless now.’ That way you are not repeating ‘life’ as well If you do have life in this sentence, then I’d maybe change the second one to something like ‘You are responsible for my death’ or ‘you killed me’ just so it isn’t repeated.

I felt tear tracks on my face, and wiped at the angrily.

I think it might be better to say something about the actual tears rather than the tracks as then it would make more sense that he would wipe them away- perhaps ‘I felt the tears roll down my face’ or something like that, I think ‘the’ here needs to be ‘them’ as well.

If my friends saw my now, I would be the object of ridicule for the rest of the year. Though after everything that has happened, it suddenly seems stupid. What did it matter?

The second ‘my’ should be ‘me’, but would his friends really ridicule him for crying because his friend died? Maybe something about the people at school instead would make more sense rather than his friends. I think you could maybe extend a bit more on the sentence ‘What did it matter?’ for instance adding on ‘what they thought of me?’ on after ‘matter’

I got up and went downstairs. In the kitchen I poured myself a glass of water and gulped it down quickly. I made it back up to my room. I sought the security it always offered, but tonight it was just the opposite.

This is quite a quick journey and I’m not sure if it might just be better to have him staying in his room and getting a glass of water from the side table or something like that. If not, I think you could add a bit more to it, I’d maybe change ‘got’ and ‘went’ to more descriptive words, for instance you could say that he heaved himself out of bed and crept downstairs. I’d also join the last two sentences and perhaps change ‘I made it back up’ to describe how he goes back to his room- I got the impression he was rushing so something like ‘dashed/ rushed/ ran/ sprinted’ might be good instead. Maybe something like ‘I dashed back up to my room, seeking the security it always offered- but tonight it was just the opposite.’

I heard those horrific words Kali screamed at me.

I think this might sound better as ‘I heard the horrific words Kali had screamed at me.’ or something similar

Breanne seemed to be everywhere, even if she was in a grade lower than me.

‘she was in the grade below me’ or ‘she was a grade lower than me’ might read smoother here.

staring with such hatred that I thought it would kill me.

I think you could say something better than that he thought it would kill him, I know he is exaggerating but something about the gaze burning into him or causing him near physical pain might be better descriptions to show how the stare actually feels upon him.

I hoped.

I didn’t really understand this part, he was terrified of the nightmare before so I wouldn’t think he would be hoping for dreams. If you mean ordinary dreams to distract him I’d maybe add something like that in to say he hoped he would not fall into another nightmare, just to make clearer how he feels.

I found a pair of my old gray sweats and put those on, followed by a hoodie.

I’d change ‘put’ here to something that better describes the action like ‘pulled’ or ‘tugged’.

I ran back up stairs and brushed my teeth. I looked in the mirror and sighed. Mom told me to get a haircut, but I ignored her.

I think you could rephrase these sentences as at the moment they sound a bit awkward, perhaps something about him running back up the stairs to brush his teeth but his eyes catch on his reflection? When you say his mom told him to get a haircut- are you talking about her saying it at that moment or that she usually says that to him? From here it sounds like she is saying it at that point but I think it might be better to have it in the past as I thought she was downstairs and it would fit better perhaps over all something like this- ‘I ran back upstairs and into the bathroom to brush my teeth, but my gaze caught on the mirror above the sink. I sighed at my reflection- mom was always telling me that I should get a haircut, but I never paid any attention. ‘

I loved the way my curly hair fell into my eyes. Kali had told me that when we were ten and I haven’t changed it since.

I’m not sure if it might be better here to perhaps link these sentences together and have the part of him loving the way his curly hair fell as what Kali said, for example something like ‘Kali had told me when we were ten that she loved the way my curly hair fell into my eyes and I hadn’t changed it since.’

Jake was already outside, waiting in that ratty old station wagon his mom got him for his birthday.

I’d maybe change ‘that ratty old’ to ‘the ratty old’ and instead of ‘mom got him for his birthday’ as that doesn’t properly make sense I’d maybe say something like ‘his mom had bought him for his birthday.’

“Hey,” I said, closing the door behind me. Jake lifted his chin in his way of saying, “Hi.”

You have just talked about him closing the front door behind him so to prevent repeating the same sort of action, maybe you could say something about sliding into the seat beside him. I think the second sentence might be better as just ‘Jake bobbed his chin in greeting.’ I’m not that sure about lifted as it seemed like a kind of odd gesture to me, just a thought

Overall: I like how you have revealed more on this characters family life and how he is still being effected by her death, I still feel awful for him I think you are doing brilliantly in showing his guilt.

I noticed there is quite a bit of going up and down stairs here, I suggested maybe cutting out when he wakes up so that he just gets a glass of water from the side without leaving his room which I think would help. I think what it is that makes the movement of going up and down the stairs seem kind of strange to me was not because it was weird for him to be doing so, but because there was not much description or detail on each trip so it goes by quite quickly. I’d maybe add some more to it, perhaps describing more of the surroundings or how he feels and his thoughts whilst moving.

I think that in general there could be some more description, like when he is having the dream- where are they? What does she look like? Little details I think would really make the story more interesting so I’d work on adding some more in. The introduction of two new characters here I think was a good idea but I’d like to know some more on them- especially his mother. How does she look when he comes down in the morning? What are his thoughts on her and how she feels towards him? There is quite a lot left unsaid that I think could be included. I’m sure it’s to come in later pieces but I would like to know more of a plot as right now I am not sure where this is going, I think it is well written and I like the characters you are using but a bit more of a hint at what is to come I think would be helpful

A word that I noticed you used a few times was ’laughed’, I’d perhaps try to vary it more as there are a number of other words that can be used instead and ones that are more appropriate to each given situation like giggled/ chuckled/ snorted or commenting on their smile instead like how they grinned widely or smirked

As always, all my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you like! I still think this is a great story and I look forward to reading more, hope I’ve helped

That was soooo just as good as the others you moron! lol I loved it. Not to put pressure on you but hurry up and write more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the story is sooo sad! OMG i would love it if you made it like she isn't really dead and he wakes up and it's just a bad dream...then maybe he realises he took her for granted:? OH that would be insane! sorry I just don't wanna believe she's dead lol..! But your story is awesome! keep writing..! x x x x x

I'm writing, I'm writing! (: Thanks. I really appreciate it. And, though I can't say Kali will come back,I can say there might be a little surprise. I'll just have to write more soon. I'm really glad you enjoy it! (:

~Tiger