Losing My Mind

*Um....no explanation. I wrote. So can't firgure out the rhythm?
Look how in every other line the last word rhymes?
Well the lines between do not rhyme at all. I did this on purpose.
So critique away. I hate it myself. I'm sure you will too.
I was just kinda mad at someone so I wrote this. Enjoy?



I think I’m losing my mind.
I hate you, I do.
You are so less than kind.
I can’t stand you, I can’t.
My heart, you find.
You kill me, you do.
My love you twind.
Around your finger, you try.
Your soul is like a rind,
Harder than all, it truly is.
I spill out my words for you to grind,
Into the dirt, you squash me so.

I think I’m losing my mind.
I love you, I do.
You are so less than kind.
I can’t live without you, I can’t.
My heart you find.
You’ll kill me, you will.
My love you’ll wind,
Around your finger, you did.
Your soul is like a rind,
Hard as it is,
I spill my words out for you to grind.
Into the dirt, my emotions lie.

But I think I’m losing my mind,
Maybe.
Because I love you no less.

h, I'm ash corrections or ideas will be in bold

Rena0421 wrote:*Um....no explanation. I wrote. So can't firgure out the rhythm?
Look how in every other line the last word rhymes?
Well the lines between do not rhyme at all. I did this on purpose.
So critique away. I hate it myself. I'm sure you will too.
I was just kinda mad at someone so I wrote this. Enjoy?



I think I’m losing my mind.
I hate you, I do.
You are so less than kind.
I can’t stand you, I can’t.
My heart, you find.
You kill me, you do.
My love you twind ( is this a word? If so, I really need to study my vocabulary haha Perhaps you meant twine?)
Around your finger, you try. (he only try's to, but doesn't succeed?)
Your soul is (no "like") a rind, (I took out the "Like" in that line because it messes up your rhythm.)
Harder than all, it truly is. (what's harder than all? His soul? If so, I would take out the capitalization of harder.
I spill out my words for you to grind,
Into the dirt, you squash me so.

I think I’m losing my mind.
I love you, I do.
You are so less than kind. (here, you have simply repeated the words from above. I realize this was intended, but it takes so much from your poem. Maybe replace it with another reason you are losing your mind? what else does he do that drives you crazy?)
I can’t live without you, I can’t.
My heart you find.
You’ll kill me, you will.
My love you’ll wind,
Around your finger, you did. (you changed tenses here, saying "you will" in the line above and then "you did" in this one. Best stick to one.)
Your soul is like a rind,
Hard as it is,
I spill my words out for you to grind.
Into the dirt, my emotions lie. (Ooh, I love this!)

But I think I’m losing my mind,
Maybe
Because I love you no less. (I like this one too, but it's kind of weak for an ending... I don't know, I'm just nitpicking, I guess)

I like your poem. The only thing I have a problem with is your lack of imagery and emotion. How does this make you feel, when he grinds your words in the ground. And on imagery, you could compare his ill treatment of you to something else, it gives the reader a picture with your words instead of just words.

And one more thing, this poem never says why you still love him. Sure, he wraps your love around his finger and you still love him but why??? What good things does he do that drive you crazy? Maybe you could add something like that in.

But other than that, good job!

-ash

The poem was really good. It had a choppy flow which I like cause it makes it different. You also convey your self very clearly. Where I ran into problems is:

My heart, you find.
You kill me, you do.

I get the being choppy but the transition is really hard to understand and I had to reread the lines. So, before the You I would but an And so that the read understands that you are staying on the same topic.

Harder than all, it truly is.

This doesn't fit in the place you put it, and really I don't get it.

But I think I’m losing my mind,
Maybe.
Because I love you no less.

I would change the order of the last stanza to
Because I love you no less
But I think I'm losing my mind,
Maybe.

To leave the maybe as the last line will leave a stronger finishing impression I think. All in all it was a cool poem.

Kay

thanks. haha, like i said, written in less than three minutes. so thanks anyways. i'll take it all into consideration:)

The first three lines in the first stanza being repeated in the second stanza was a nice touch I thought. The general feelings were pretty easy to understand. It was a simplistic poem, not too complex, and relativly enjoyable to read.

So well done you

The general flow of the poem was good, although I would work on the rhyming scheme as I felt it was a bit choppy at times. I can't really get a feel of what exactly you are writing about and I'm connected to this piece. Try to find the emotion and feeling so you can connect with audience! But other than that, it was a good poem!