Souls

Chapter 1

I stood there, watching over my destroyed body. The chart on the end of my bed said that I had a
broken leg and arm, stiches in four diffrent places- my face, my stomach, over three quaters of my left leg and right across my back. The whole right side of my body was raw from burn marks. And of course the big one- I was in a deep coma.

The only sign of life was my chest slowly rising and falling because of the breathing machine and the beeping of the heart machine

I shuddered as a nurse walk through me. I couldn't bare to watch as she changed the blood stained bandages- blood always made me feal nauseous- so I decided to have a look around the hospital.
As I turned I came face-to-face with a guy around my age. He had warm, chocolate-brown, oval-shaped eyes, perfectly-messy near black hair with natural golden tints through it and smooth, perfect, paper-white skin. He remined me of the princes from fairy tales that my father use to tell me before bed-time when I was young, it seemed so long ago now.

“Hello” the prince said, in a smooth, husky voice, “ my name is Charlie.” he continued, while offering me his hand.

I fell back with the fright, typical of me. He chuckled softly but kindly before offering me his hand and helping me up. I could feal the blood rushing to my cheeks. His hand was freezing cold but soft and very smooth.

“And who might you be?” he asked with a perfect smile, showing all his straight, white teeth.

Un-able to think properly I stupidly replied back “Huh?” I must be imagining things, he couldn't be real, I was in a frickin' coma, for crying out loud! Great, I must be going crazy, having hallucinations of princes.

“Your name? He repeated, putting it into simpiler english for me.

“ Oh right, Susan. But call me Rusty-please” I answered quickly so I couldn't make a bigger idiot out of my-self. But I had to ask him “ Are you real or am I just going crazy out of my mind?”

“Ok-Rusty. No, I am real so your not going completly mad!” he reasured me. “Would you mind if I asked you a few questions such as how you got here? What happened to you? I mean not to sound rude or any-thing like that but your body doesn't look in the best condition, to put it politly!.”

“I was in a bad car crash, trying to escape from the people who were tring to kiddnap and murder me.” I told him honostly, watching his perfect smile was vanish and how his eyes widened with shock.

“Oh, I am so sorry! Please excuss my rudness before! You see the souls I usualy meet were pretty stupid and reckless.” he explained to me. “Now you have a choice to make, you can either come with me and meet all the other souls or you can stay here, while the doctors and nuses try to patch you up!” He said while looking past “me”.

I followed his line of vision and found my self staring at my body once more. The nurse was now injecting me with a needel and attaching a drip. I pulled my-self away and looked back at Charlie. Thousands of questions started filling my head, but I decided to only ask the first three that had popped into my head .

“ Go with you where? Other souls? How can you see and talk to me?”

“ a) To the house, b) your house-mates- if you choose to come with me, which you probably will and c) we are both souls.” He replied-clearly enjoying my confussion. “ But there is a diffrence between you and me- you're technicaly alive and I'm dead.” He added in bluntly.

I must of went into shock because every thing I remember after that is verly hazy. I think I vaguely remember Charlie telling me to close my eyes and then picking me up and cradeling me in his arms. I also remember a slight swooshing of the wind in my ears, but other than that I was completely lost in my own thoughts. I just couldnt belive that he was dead. I thought that being in a coma was bad.

Thousands of new questions swarmed my head. How did he die. When did he die? How old was he. Why was he still here? How did he know that I was here? How many soals were there? Where did he live? What could he eat? Where exactly where we? What day was it? How long had I been here? And most importantly where was my daughter?

stiches in four diffrent places- my face, my stomach, over three quaters

Stiches should be stitches, diffrent should be different, and quaters should be quarters.

blood always made me feal nauseous

Feal should be feel.

As I turned I came[/quote]
There should be a comma after turned.

through it and smooth

There should be a comma after it.

He remined me of the princes

Remined should be reminded.

use to tell me

Use should be used.

before bed-time when I

Bed-time should be bedtime.

was young, it seemed so long ago now.

There should either be a semicolon or a period after young.

the prince said, in a smooth

The comma after said isn't needed.

I could feal the blood rushing to my cheeks.

Feal should be feel.

soft and very smooth.

Use another word besides smooth. You used the word a few sentences ago.

Un-able to think

Un-able should be unable.

properly I stupidly replied

There should be a comma after properly.

I must be imagining things, he couldn't be real, I was in a frickin' coma, for crying out loud!

This should be more than one sentence.

putting it into simpiler english for me.

Simpiler should be simpler and english should be capitalized.

a bigger idiot out of my-self.

My-self shouldn't have the dash.

I am real so your not

Your should be you're.

going completly mad!

Completly should be completely.

he reasured me.

Reasured should be reassured.

best condition, to put it politly!

Politly should be politely.

who were tring to kiddnap and murder

Kiddnap should be kidnap and tring should be trying.

I told him honostly

Honostly should be honestly.

watching his perfect smile was vanish

Was shouldn't be in the sentence.

Please excuss my rudness before!

Excuss should be excuse and rudness should be rudeness.

You see the souls I usualy meet

Usualy should be usually.

were pretty stupid and reckless

Were should be are.

nuses try to patch you up

Nuses should be nurses.

He said while looking past “me”.

He shouldn't be capitalized.

with a needel and attaching a drip

Needel should be needle.

I pulled my-self away

My-self should be myself.

He replied-clearly enjoying my confussion.

Confussion should be confusion.

But there is a diffrence between

Diffrence should be difference.

you're technicaly alive and I'm dead.

Technicaly should be technically.

I remember after that is verly hazy.

Verly should be very.

picking me up and cradeling me in his arms

Cradeling should be cradling.

I just couldnt belive that he was dead.

Couldnt should be couldn't and belive should be believe.

How many soals were there?

Soals should be souls.

And most importantly where was my daughter?

There should be a comma after importantly.

Overall, the story was good. If you use spellcheck, you would have less spelling mistakes. Is this the beginning of a book? If so, the ending was great, and I hope you finish the story. It's very interesting.

stiches in four diffrent places- my face, my stomach, over three quaters

Stiches should be stitches, diffrent should be different, and quaters should be quarters.

blood always made me feal nauseous

Feal should be feel.

As I turned I came[/quote]
There should be a comma after turned.

through it and smooth

There should be a comma after it.

He remined me of the princes

Remined should be reminded.

use to tell me

Use should be used.

before bed-time when I

Bed-time should be bedtime.

was young, it seemed so long ago now.

There should either be a semicolon or a period after young.

the prince said, in a smooth

The comma after said isn't needed.

I could feal the blood rushing to my cheeks.

Feal should be feel.

soft and very smooth.

Use another word besides smooth. You used the word a few sentences ago.

Un-able to think

Un-able should be unable.

properly I stupidly replied

There should be a comma after properly.

I must be imagining things, he couldn't be real, I was in a frickin' coma, for crying out loud!

This should be more than one sentence.

putting it into simpiler english for me.

Simpiler should be simpler and english should be capitalized.

a bigger idiot out of my-self.

My-self shouldn't have the dash.

I am real so your not

Your should be you're.

going completly mad!

Completly should be completely.

he reasured me.

Reasured should be reassured.

best condition, to put it politly!

Politly should be politely.

who were tring to kiddnap and murder

Kiddnap should be kidnap and tring should be trying.

I told him honostly

Honostly should be honestly.

watching his perfect smile was vanish

Was shouldn't be in the sentence.

Please excuss my rudness before!

Excuss should be excuse and rudness should be rudeness.

You see the souls I usualy meet

Usualy should be usually.

were pretty stupid and reckless

Were should be are.

nuses try to patch you up

Nuses should be nurses.

He said while looking past “me”.

He shouldn't be capitalized.

with a needel and attaching a drip

Needel should be needle.

I pulled my-self away

My-self should be myself.

He replied-clearly enjoying my confussion.

Confussion should be confusion.

But there is a diffrence between

Diffrence should be difference.

you're technicaly alive and I'm dead.

Technicaly should be technically.

I remember after that is verly hazy.

Verly should be very.

picking me up and cradeling me in his arms

Cradeling should be cradling.

I just couldnt belive that he was dead.

Couldnt should be couldn't and belive should be believe.

How many soals were there?

Soals should be souls.

And most importantly where was my daughter?

There should be a comma after importantly.

Overall, the story was good. If you use spellcheck, you would have less spelling mistakes. Is this the beginning of a book? If so, the ending was great, and I hope you finish the story. It's very interesting.

stiches in four diffrent places- my face, my stomach, over three quaters

Stiches should be stitches, diffrent should be different, and quaters should be quarters.

blood always made me feal nauseous

Feal should be feel.

As I turned I came

There should be a comma after turned.

through it and smooth

There should be a comma after it.

He remined me of the princes

Remined should be reminded.

use to tell me

Use should be used.

before bed-time when I

Bed-time should be bedtime.

was young, it seemed so long ago now.

There should either be a semicolon or a period after young.

the prince said, in a smooth

The comma after said isn't needed.

I could feal the blood rushing to my cheeks.

Feal should be feel.

soft and very smooth.

Use another word besides smooth. You used the word a few sentences ago.

Un-able to think

Un-able should be unable.

properly I stupidly replied

There should be a comma after properly.

I must be imagining things, he couldn't be real, I was in a frickin' coma, for crying out loud!

This should be more than one sentence.

putting it into simpiler english for me.

Simpiler should be simpler and english should be capitalized.

a bigger idiot out of my-self.

My-self shouldn't have the dash.

I am real so your not

Your should be you're.

going completly mad!

Completly should be completely.

he reasured me.

Reasured should be reassured.

best condition, to put it politly!

Politly should be politely.

who were tring to kiddnap and murder

Kiddnap should be kidnap and tring should be trying.

I told him honostly

Honostly should be honestly.

watching his perfect smile was vanish

Was shouldn't be in the sentence.

Please excuss my rudness before!

Excuss should be excuse and rudness should be rudeness.

You see the souls I usualy meet

Usualy should be usually.

were pretty stupid and reckless

Were should be are.

nuses try to patch you up

Nuses should be nurses.

He said while looking past “me”.

He shouldn't be capitalized.

with a needel and attaching a drip

Needel should be needle.

I pulled my-self away

My-self should be myself.

He replied-clearly enjoying my confussion.

Confussion should be confusion.

But there is a diffrence between

Diffrence should be difference.

you're technicaly alive and I'm dead.

Technicaly should be technically.

I remember after that is verly hazy.

Verly should be very.

picking me up and cradeling me in his arms

Cradeling should be cradling.

I just couldnt belive that he was dead.

Couldnt should be couldn't and belive should be believe.

How many soals were there?

Soals should be souls.

And most importantly where was my daughter?

There should be a comma after importantly.

Overall, the story was good. If you use spellcheck, you would have less spelling mistakes. The end made me want to read the rest of the story.

Hi, dancingclouds.

I'm anti-pop, and I'll be your reviewer today. ^_^
Since this seems like a rough draft, I'm just going to run through it and edit before I make a few general comments. My corrections will be in red, and anything that should be removed will have a [s]strike[/s] through it!

dancingclouds wrote:Chapter 1

I stood there, watching over my destroyed body. The chart on the end of my bed said that I had a broken leg and arm, [s]stiches[/s] stitches in four [s]diffrent[/s] different places- my face, my stomach, over three [s]quaters[/s] quarters of my left leg and right across my back. The whole right side of my body was raw from burn marks. And of course the big one- I was in a deep coma.

The only sign of life was my chest slowly rising and falling because of the breathing machine and the beeping of the heart machine.

I shuddered as a nurse walked through me. I couldn't [s]bare[/s] bear to watch as she changed the blood stained bandages- blood always made me feal nauseous- so I decided to have a look around the hospital.

As I turned, I came face-to-face with a guy around my age. He had warm, chocolate-brown, oval-shaped eyes, perfectly [no hyphen here] messy, near-black hair with natural golden tints through it and smooth, perfect, paper-white skin. He remined me of the princes from fairy tales that my father use to tell me before bed-time when I was young. [s]it[/s] It seemed so long ago now.

“Hello,” the prince said, in a smooth, husky voice. “my name is Charlie,” he continued, while offering me his hand.

I fell back with [s]the[/s] fright; typical of me. He chuckled softly but kindly before offering me his hand and helping me up. I could feal the blood rushing to my cheeks. His hand was freezing cold but soft and very smooth.

“And who might you be?” he asked with a perfect smile, showing all his straight, white teeth.

Un[no hyphen here]able to think properly I stupidly replied back, “Huh?” I must [s]be[/s] have been imagining things, he couldn't be real, I was in a frickin' coma, for crying out loud! Great, I must be going crazy, having hallucinations of princes.

“Your name?" he repeated, putting it into [s]simpiler[/s] simpler English for me.

“Oh right. Susan. But call me Rusty, please,” I answered quickly so I couldn't make a bigger idiot out of my['myself' is one word]self. But I had to ask him, “ Are you real or am I just going crazy out of my mind?” [Here, I think you should choose either 'crazy' or 'out of my mind', seeing how they're both pretty repetitive.]

“Ok... Rusty. No, I am real so [s]your[/s] you're not going completly mad!” he reasured me. “Would you mind if I asked you a few questions such as how you got here? What happened to you? I mean not to sound rude or any['anything' is one word]thing like that but your body doesn't look in the best condition, to put it [s]politly[/s] politely!”

“I was in a bad car crash, trying to escape from the people who were tring to kiddnap and murder me,” I told him [s]honostly[/s] honestly, watching his perfect smile [s]was[/s] vanish and how his eyes widened with shock.

“Oh, I am so sorry! Please [s]excuss[/s] excuse my rudness before! You see the souls I usualy meet were pretty stupid and reckless,” he explained to me. “Now you have a choice to make, you can either come with me and meet all the other souls or you can stay here, while the doctors and nuses try to patch you up!” he said while looking past “me”.

I followed his line of vision and found myself staring at my body once more. The nurse was now injecting me with a [s]needel[/s] needle and attaching a drip. I pulled myself away and looked back at Charlie. Thousands of questions started filling my head, but I decided to only ask the first three that had popped into my head .

“ Go with you where? Other souls? How can you see and talk to me?”

“ a) To the house, b) your house-mates- if you choose to come with me, which you probably will, and c) we are both souls,” he replied, clearly enjoying my [s]confussion[/s] confusion. “ But there is a [s]diffrence[/s] difference between you and me- you're technicaly alive and I'm dead,” he added in bluntly.

I must [s]of[/s] have went into shock because every['everything' is one word]thing I remembered after that [s]is[/s] was [s]verly[/s] very hazy. I think I vaguely remember Charlie telling me to close my eyes and then picking me up and cradeling me in his arms. I also remember a slight swooshing of the wind in my ears, but other than that I was completely lost in my own thoughts. I just couldn't belive that he was dead. I thought that being in a coma was bad.

Thousands of new questions swarmed my head. How did he die? When did he die? How old was he? Why was he still here? How did he know that I was here? How many soals were there? Where did he live? What could he eat? Where exactly where we? What day was it? How long had I been here? And most importantly where was my daughter?

Alright, so this was pretty interesting!
I like the idea that Susan, while in a coma, is somehow able to leave her body in an almost ghostly manner. This is a pretty original story, and I definitely believe it has a lot of potential! In order to help you bring out the best of this idea, I'm going to point out a few things that can be changed, improved, and/or left out! ^_^

First things first: Grammar!
There were quite a few instances where your punctuation was off - especially when it came to dialogue. Here's a short and sweet example on how to properly pull off correct punctuation in a scene with a lot of talking going on: viewarticlebody.php?t=19430


Too Much Info!

The chart on the end of my bed said that I had a broken leg and arm, stiches in four diffrent places- my face, my stomach, over three quaters of my left leg and right across my back. The whole right side of my body was raw from burn marks. And of course the big one- I was in a deep coma.

Uh-oh -- looks like a case of TMI!
Simple way to fix that: give the desired information in a more subtle manner. For instance, instead of just saying, "I had a lot of stitches and was burned up -- oh yeah, I was in a coma, too!" you can recreate the tone in a more morbid, serious sort of way. This is obviously a serious matter, and it would be normal for someone to be a bit more concerned about their well-being in a situation like that.
Think of it this way: how would you feel if this happened to you? That's what I do when I write my stories -- it really helps to think from your character's point of view. ^_^


Description: When is it too much?
Here, I've taken a perfect example of a description-packed sentence:

He had warm, chocolate-brown, oval-shaped eyes, perfectly-messy near black hair with natural golden tints through it and smooth, perfect, paper-white skin.

Not only is this a run-on (which is OK, we all make that mistake sometimes!), but it is also an overload of description. Ease up a bit!
There are plenty of ways to show us how this boy is gorgeous. You don't have to tell us how he looks all in a single sentence! Span the description out a bit.

Examples:
His dark green eyes stared at me quizzically.
I laughed as he shook out his shaggy dark hair.
He stroked my face with a soft white hand.

See? I didn't have to describe every aspect of this character in just one sentence. In fact, breaking up the description of your characters can help emphasize their impression on the readers.


Overall, this was a nice idea. I think with some editing and some time, this can turn out to be a very stunning piece. My suggestion would be to check out some writing tips over at the Knowledge Base.

Questions? Comments? Emotional outbursts? Just PM me and let me know immediately! ^_^


Pop

Heya dancingclouds! I'm going to review this for you. Changes are in bold, comments are in italics and spelling mistakes are underlined. I'm reviewing your piece in a way I'm not used too. Just experimenting :P

dancingclouds wrote:Chapter 1

I stood there, watching over my destroyed body. The chart on the end of my bed said that I had a
broken leg and arm. There were stiches in four diffrent places; my face, my stomach, over three quaters of my left leg and right across my back. The whole right side of my body was raw from burn marks. And of course the big one- I was in a deep coma. Then there was, of course, the big one. I was in a coma.

The only sign of life was my chest slowly rising and falling. Most likely because of the breathing machine. and the beeping of the heart machine. I'm not sure if you need the last part here. It sounds repitive and sort of cluttered. But it's up to you if you want it.

I shuddered as a nurse walk through me. I couldn't bear to watch as she changed the blood stained bandages. Blood had always made me feal nauseous. So I decided to have a look around the hospital. You don't need all those dashes when periods work fine!

As I turned I came face-to-face with a guy around my age. He had warm, chocolate-brown, oval-shaped eyes, perfectly-messy near black hair with natural golden tints through it and smooth, perfect, paper-white skin. He remined me of the princes from fairy tales that my father use to tell me before bed-time when I was young. It seemed so long ago now.

“Hello,” the prince said, in a smooth, husky voice. “ My name is Charlie.” He offered his hand out to me. It seemed unnessacery to have the "he continued" part. Shorter sentences do have more effect.

I fell back with the fright. Very typical of me. But how was it typical of the her? Does she usually fall backwards or what? He chuckled softly but kindly I would put a comma before and and after "but kindly" before offering me his hand and helping me up. I could feal the blood rushing to my cheeks. His hand was freezing cold but soft and very smooth.

“And who might you be?” he asked with a perfect smile, showing all his straight, white teeth.

Un-able to think properly I stupidly replied back “Huh?” I must be imagining things, he couldn't be real, This comma should be a period. I was in a frickin' coma, Nix the comma here for crying out loud! Great, I must be going crazy, having hallucinations of princes.

“Your name?" He repeated, putting it into simpiler english for me. English should be capitilized.

“ Oh right, Susan. But call me Rusty-please” I answered quickly so I couldn't make a bigger idiot out of myself. Why is she called Rusty? Elaborate on that please. But I had to ask him “ Are you real or am I just going crazy out of my mind?”

“Ok-Rusty. Nix the dash there! No, I am real so your not going completly mad!” he reasured me. “Would you mind if I asked you a few questions such as how you got here? What happened to you? I mean not to sound rude or anything like that Putting a comma here would help but your body doesn't look in the best condition, to put it politly!.”

“I was in a bad car crash, trying to escape from the people who were tring to kiddnap and murder me.” I told him honostly, watching his perfect smile (Nix this word) :arrow: was vanish and (Nix this word too) :arrow: how his eyes widened with shock. Also, please elaborate on her statement. Wouldn't Charlie ask why these people were trying to kill her?

“Oh, I am so sorry! Please excuss my rudness before! You see the souls I usualy meet were pretty stupid and reckless.” (the period should be changed to a comma) he explained to me. “Now you have a choice to make, you can either come with me and meet all the other souls or you can stay here, while the doctors and nuses try to patch you up!” He glanced passed "me".

I followed his line of vision and found myself staring at my body once more. The nurse was now injecting me with a needel and attaching a drip. I pulled myself away and looked back at Charlie. Change this sentence to "I hastily glanced away from the sight and returned my attention to Charlie. It makes more sense there because what do you mean, pulled myself away? Thousands of questions started filling my head, but I decided to only ask the first three that had popped into my head .

“ Go with you where? Other souls? How can you see and talk to me?”

“ a) To the house, b) your house-mates- if you choose to come with me, which you probably will and c) we are both souls.” He replied- (Gah! Another dash! Nix it a put a comma!) clearly enjoying my confussion. “ But there is a diffrence between you and me- (Here also! Period please!) you're technicaly alive and I'm dead.” He added in bluntly. (Nix this part here. You really don't need it. You could say, "He said the last part in a blunt tone)

I must of went into shock because every thing I remember after that is verly hazy. I think I vaguely remember Charlie telling me to close my eyes and then picking me up and cradeling me in his arms. I also remember a slight swooshing of the wind in my ears, but other than that I was completely lost in my own thoughts. I just couldnt belive that he was dead. I thought that being in a coma was bad.

Thousands of new questions swarmed my head. How did he die. (question mark) When did he die? How old was he. (question mark) Why was he still here? How did he know that I was here? How many soals were there? Where did he live? What could he eat? Where exactly where we? What day was it? How long had I been here? And most importantly where was my daughter?

Okay *clears throat*

I enjoyed this piece very much. But of course, you have a definate overuse of dashes in this! You use dashes where commas and periods and even semi colons could be! Also, there are many long sentences in here. Cut them down to add more effect. Maybe some more...description would be useful too. Describe the room in which she is in more. What kind of clothes is Charlie wearing? More description = better story. I'm not saying that this is bad because I really enjoyed this. I hope I helped :)

PM if you have any questions and when the next chapter is up.

Happy Writing!

Meadow

Yep... I'm not going to read all those long reviews, so pardon any repeating on my part.

The chart on the end of my bed said that I had a
broken leg and arm, stiches in four diffrent places- my face, my stomach, over three quaters of my left leg and right across my back.

First, you spelled "stitches", "different" and "quarters" wrong. Also, change "on the end of my bed" to "at the end of my bed." When you say "on" it's as if it's laying on your feet. "at" just works better. (You will learn as the review goes on that I am a major nitpick... Sorry."

I shuddered as a nurse walk through me.

"walked" not "walk". Got to keep it all in the past tense.

He had warm, chocolate-brown, oval-shaped eyes, perfectly-messy near black hair with natural golden tints through it and smooth, perfect, paper-white skin.

First, don't use "perfect" too much. Also, "perfectly-messy" is an oxymoron if I've ever seen one. I guess you can keep it if you want, though. Next, try to avoid saying things like "near black". His hair is black. So ditch the "near". I'd also personally not say his eyes are ovular since that's a general similarity between most people. No need to mention the obvious, right?

He remined me of the princes from fairy tales that my father use to tell me before bed-time when I was young, it seemed so long ago now.

You mean "reminded" not "remined". That'll be the last time I pick out a spelling error. The spell check here on YWS picks them up, so proofreading should be a breeze. You can find the rest yourself.
Also, a period instead of a comma after "young".

“Hello” the prince said, in a smooth, husky voice, “ my name is Charlie.” he continued, while offering me his hand.

Ditch the "he continued". You don't need it. After the dialogue just say "He offered me his hand."

Un-able to think properly I stupidly replied back “Huh?

I wasn't sure if this would show up on spell check, so I'll just tell you. It's "unable" not "un-able".

I must be imagining things, he couldn't be real, I was in a frickin' coma, for crying out loud!

Period instead of comma after "things" and "real".

“Your name? He repeated, putting it into simpiler english for me.

Quotation mark after the question mark. You also spelled simpler wrong and didn't capitalize the 'E' in "English". Be sure to proof read your works thoroughly before posting. (I'd go into more detail but it's 2:30 A.M. in the great state of North Dakota and I've got church in the morning, so I got to get to bed soon)

“ Oh right, Susan. But call me Rusty-please”

Don't need the dash after "Rusty". You use dashes excessively throughout this peace, most of which are unnecessary, so I'd look into those.

I answered quickly so I couldn't make a bigger idiot out of my-self.

There's the dash again. I just thought I'd give you one more example. Pretty much every other one you use in this piece is used incorrectly (except maybe for a few at the beginning).

But I had to ask him “ Are you real or am I just going crazy out of my mind?”

Put a comma after "him", get rid of the space between the quotation mark and "are", and she isn't speaking an actual sentence. Get rid of "out of my mind".

I mean not to sound rude or any-thing like that but your body doesn't look in the best condition, to put it politly!.”

Ditch the dash, spell politely right, and you've got both a period and an exclamation points. Personally, you're using the exclamation point too much. You're making it sound like he's either a yeller or someone who's abnormally frantic.

“I was in a bad car crash, trying to escape from the people who were tring to kiddnap and murder me.”

I think she's telling a little too much to a stranger. Also, not many people in real life fit this much info into one simple sentence. It actually sounds as if she's simply shrugging off what happened.
Also, you spelled "trying" and "kidnap" wrong.

watching his perfect smile was vanish and how his eyes widened with shock.

Ditch the "was".

Okay, here's my last bit on this piece of writing.
1) Way too many spelling errors. Start proofreading your work
2) Learn to use commas and dashes better, because you were missing commas in necessary spots and use way too many dashes (I'd point them out, but once again, I'm tired, got church in five hours".
3) At the end, this Charlie guy never introduced himself. The heroine just started calling him Charlie out of no where.
4) Watch how often you use exclamation points. Most of Charlie's dialogue had exclamation points and made him sound unreal and a little weird.

Okay, overall, the concept was interesting and you're style is actually pretty good, but the thing is that your lack of grammatical knowledge buries the true potential of this story. It was just overwhelming trying to enjoy your story while putting up with the lack of commas, the way too many dashes, countless misspelled words, etc. Fix that, and this could be very good. I hope you do well with this. And so without any further a do, I go to bed.

Hey!
You had a few spelling mistakes, which I am sure everyone already noted. I love it! Nice!! Very interesting and well written!! Well done!!!
Now, to business.
Is she used to being in a coma? It sound like a regular thing for her, I think she should be flipping out. Her body is right infront of her eyes!! Unless it felt very natural and easy for her, like it was supposed to be so, in which case you should write it in the story- it would make more sense.
Umm, let's see what else... Oh, yeah. She has a daughter?! how come she never thought of that before?! Sorry to break it to you, but mothers almost always think of their children, it's not very likely that she would think of other things right now. Just about her daughter, and if she was safe, and bla bla bla.
By the way, just a car accident could do, you know. No need to add in the chasers and murderers.
The prince sounds like a different version of Edward Cullen, simmilar though, almost too alike. The whole writing style reminds me of twilight, anywho, I liked it!! Write more, and PM me when you do!

Hey. I read your story and it sounded pretty good. I noticed quite a bit of grammatical errors, but those are easily fixed. The other reveiwers prettymuch covered them anyway. So, I would just like to say that I would continue reading this. It left me waiting to find out what her choice was and what's going on with her daughter. Also, you put a big emphasis on this soul character she meets. You make him likeable, but perfect. Does he not have a flaw because he is a soul? If not, give him a flaw, characters can't be perfect. Oh, and one last thing, is this soul going to be a major part of your story? I'm asking because you make the reader think that they're going to be seeing a lot of him. If he isn't, I wouldn't worry with him TOO much.

Overall, I liked this. It original and I would definetly like to see more of this. Really, you need to fix all of your grammatical errors, that's what distracted me. Anyway, would you PM me when the next pert is up. I would be happy to reveiw that one for you. (This really isn't much of a reveiw, the others got here first) Anyway, keep writing!

~Tiger

Well, I don't think that there is anything more that I can say that has not already been said! The previous comments all look very helpful in respect of improving the writing. Primarily, of course, are your spelling mistakes and some grammar mistakes - nothing a few read-throughs and careful consideration won't cure. Even so, I thought the story was intriguing enough that I read on until the end (and that is saying something, as I am an obsessive when it comes to grammar - it really annoys all my friends!) As someone else has said, it would help you to vary your punctuation in terms of dashes, commas, colons and semi-colons, because much of the time they're interchangeable. The little section where you talk about the prince offering his hand, you say "offered" twice when I think you could phrase it differently for diversity. Other than that, I really loved it! Very relateable characters - the feeling of being an outsider in a once-familiar place I think we all understand - and a very funky fusion of the paranormal and a fairytale.