Inexpressible

O tongue, the gift of God to man
I wish that you could understand
The feelings within me today
And speak the words I long to say.
Strange emotions well inside;
The shallow words I write belie
The passion that consumes my soul,
And my heart's tale remains untold.

The red and golden autumn leaves
Whisper in another tongue;
They tell of what will never be
And mourn for sorrow yet to come.
I try and try but can't define
This feeling that whirls through my veins;
Left behind by ceaseless time,
I cannot stop the winds of change.

How I long to speak the things
That grip my heart like iron rings;
My very being is suppressed
By what I feel but can't express.
I cannot speak; I'm going mad;
Where went the eloquence I had?
When words flowed forth like waterfalls;
When I had him, and that was all.

The endless waves upon the sea
Break forever on the shore,
And poignant thoughts arise in me
Of things that were and are no more.
The cries of gulls, the setting sun,
My tears that fall like summer rain,
This aching yearning for the one
I love, and this consuming pain.

I long to cross this lucent breach;
The light shines just beyond my reach.
This aching longing burns my mind:
I search and seek but never find.
So I weep in silence, never heard,
And powerless to speak these words.
My tongue will not obey my will:
My heart cries out; my voice is still.

Hmm. I'm impressed.

It's not perfect, but as a writer you have some very positive [and rare!] strong points which I'm absolutely delighted to see - you're capable of using structure, rhythm and meter to a level far above virtually everyone else in your age bracket [and much older and more experienced...] and you're able to write a rhyming poem that doesn't make me instantly throw up. Exceptional.

First off, don't EVER let anyone talk you out of that excellent knack for structuring you have - sure, play with it, vary up line length and the form you're using, but you know that wonderful flowing feeling that a poem gives off when it's properly formed as this one is? If you ever start to lose that, get right back to writing poems like this until you pick it up again, it's an invaluable skill. Your meter here skips in a couple of places [a few spots where you need to take a word out, perhaps, or rearrange a couple] but overall it's very strong.

Rhyme is something I've come to detest in young poets, but you've managed to go somewhere with it. I would be careful - if you focus so much on the rhyme that you start using archaic or odd/awkward phrases to make something rhyme, you've gone too far. First comes the flow and the appropriate language of a piece, then the rhyme. It's not worth throwing the first two out the window for the third, it isn't that important. That said, there's only a few places where I think you're stretching credibility to force a rhyme - otherwise just try to use some half-rhymes and odd rhymes where you can, there's no need for a full-on rhyming couplet every time!

Finally - the subject matter of your poem is a little bit well-worn and old, but your skill with technique gives it a new life, and this is no small thing. Do your best not to shortchange yourself on what you choose to write, if you can - keep a notebook with you at all times, and when you see something that links unexpectedly to something completely different, write it down! The link between two seemingly random things is the poet's strongest source of inspiration, it allows you to show people new things, and old things in a new light.

Good luck! You show an immense amount of skill and promise, I'll look forward to more pieces from you.

Absolutely amazing.

I can't fault it. Lovely words, excellent structure and excellent rhyming. Imagery all there. Emotions depicted in the most vivid but simple and besutiful way. Quite fascinating how strong the emotions here are but at the same time you don't color it up too much an make it unpalatable. You know, too cheesy?

Brilliant. 'Tis starred.

Keep writing.

--Knightly