Never He Wakes

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I don't--I don't know. It doesn't make sense.

He’s not the kind of abusive father you must think of; he doesn’t crash into the house frothing at the mouth, he doesn’t beat anyone or break anything. In fact, he is best known for doing quite the opposite.

That’s the problem.

It’s evening, and a breeze blows through the open window, smelling only for a moment like fresh-cut grass and tranquil trees before it acquires the stale, dusty odor of home – my home.

Someone’s crying in the kitchen. Nobody seems to hear.

The door swings open, and I concentrate so hard on my book that I forget the words before I’ve read them. I can feel the new presence, like a scent in the air, like a shadow over the sun.

“I’m home,” he says, and nobody answers. I look up, and the involuntary smile on my face feels stiff and itchy, as if some part of the expression is a mask.

“Hey, Dad.”

He drops his keys on the table, and turns to look at me through eyes I feel I do not know. Bleary eyes, old eyes, tired eyes.

“Hey, Schlagel-doggs. What’cha reading?” he asks, coming over to kiss the top of my head. He spares my book half a glance. I wonder how much of him cares.

“Something. It’s fantasy.”

“Oh,” he says, and that seems to settle it, for he kicks off his shoes and flops down on the opposite couch.

He’s asleep in a minute.

I try to keep reading, but my concentration is broken constantly by his snores.

And there’s someone crying in the kitchen. He never noticed.

The book flips shut of its own accord, and I don’t protest. I stare at the man on the sofa, at his dress shirt, at his once-handsome face and the lids that now cover those alien eyes. I’m not quite sure who he is, beyond the man who helped give me life.

I wish he would wake up. Somebody’s crying in the kitchen.

Some part of me hates him. I can’t hate all of him – who can hate their father, truly? Not straight through. I owe him, and I don’t want to.

Some part of me loves him. I can’t love all of him – who can love their father, truly? Not thoroughly. I owe him, and I want to.

He smiles slightly in his sleep, and I tremble with tears I don’t wish to shed. Not here, not now. That ghost of a grin, still fading from his face, is the ghost of the dad I want, the ghost of the dad I had.

Someone’s crying in the kitchen. No one asks whom.

He should wake up – he never really does. There’s always something behind his eyes, stuck in his throat, at the back of his mind, that never wakes up anymore. The part I miss – the part I want to so badly to love, to hear, and to see again. I want to shake him, scream at him, cry with him. I don’t want him to know. I don’t think he wants to know.

Somebody’s crying in the kitchen. No one says she can.

The helplessness of sitting here, of knowing I’m powerless to wake him up, is painfully like suffocation. I can’t remember clearly a time when he was all-awake. I can’t ask anybody if they remember; I think it hurts to recall.

Someone’s crying in the kitchen. No one tells my why.

My face feels wet and sticky; maybe I’m crying, too.

“Dad,” I whisper.

He snores.

Somebody’s crying in the kitchen.

“Dad,” I say, louder now.

He twitches; he snores.

Somebody’s in the kitchen – crying, crying. No one asks.

“Dad!” It’s a scream, a plea, the gasp of a dying man - a dying daughter.

Someone’s crying in the kitchen; no one wants to know.

He doesn’t wake.
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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Hiya! I'll be your critic today. ^_^

I look up, and the involuntary smile on my face feels stiff and itchy, as if some part of the expression is a mask.


~ I would replace the comma and with a semicolon.

~ The bit after "as" confused me slightly. It seems you are saying that the smile is fake, but that's hard to understand the way it's worded.

He drops his keys on the table, and turns to look at me through eyes I feel I do not know.


Why does she not know those eyes? Does she remember another time? Does she think they should be something different? Tell us please. ^_^

Not straight through.


Not sure what you mean by this.

I owe him, and I don’t want to.


Why does she owe him?

I don’t want him to know.


Know what? ^_^

No one says she can.


This third-person line threw me a little in this first-person story.

~~

Questions: As you'll notice, a lot of my nit-picks are questions about what you mean or why the MC is feeling that way. If you answer those questions, this'll really become a tear-jerker. (I just hope it's not true, though)

Theme: The theme here was well presented, but like I said, the questions we are left asking from some lines make this a bit hard to fully empathize with.

The person in the kitchen: I think, personally, that this whole thing would be better told as a flashback with the kitchen lines being the "present" and in the end it was her, in the kitchen, crying about her dad. Since, at the moment, that plot element is really left hanging and we don't know what comes out of it. It leaves us hanging in a bad way, since we don't have anything to continue the story in our own imagination.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.




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Not to be mean or anything, Rosey, but you're acting thick. "What does she owe him?" ...Um, children don't owe their parents anything? Not respect, not even deference? That seemed obvious. And when the MC says, "I don't want him to know" when she's talking about crying, did you miss that part? You missed that part, apparently.

Anyhow, this was really good, Sela. When I first started reading it earlier I couldn't finish it, mostly because I remember feeling exactly the same way, and I only got peace once I could be powerless without killing myself. But you'll find it.

There is really nothing to correct. It's spare, and that makes it all the more solid. I can't help saying that I love him, too. But I can't love him until I've been furiously angry with him, and that has taken some... doing. Or some suchery.

Give into the power of the ring. Take it, Gandalf, take it. I'm giving it to you! Give into the power of the ring. Gandalf, I'm talking to you. So stop being such a douche. God.
"Men invent new ideals because they dare not attempt old ideals. They look forward with enthusiasm, because they are afraid to look back."




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Wow, that was good. Abuse by neglect, or that least i hope that was the message. I guess the reason i liked this as much as i did was because i can relate to the "What does she owe him?" thing and her obligation to love her father. I hope to see more from this soon.
I hope i got the main ideas of what you were trying to convey.




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I don't--I don't know. It doesn't make sense.

He’s not the kind of abusive father you must think of; he doesn’t crash into the house frothing at the mouth, he doesn’t beat anyone or break anything.


Now I'm not so sure I like that opening. I prefer it without the first sentence. The second sentence is a good first sentence. Now the semi-colon is unnecessary so I would just use a dash instead. Usually it's best to only use a semi-colon when nothing else fits.

The door swings open, and I concentrate so hard on my book that I forget the words before I’ve read them


Hahaha, yeah. I hate it when that happens. Nice sentence.

Nice use of repetition with the crying and the hate/love inversion. Very good.

Another needless semi-colon there, be careful.

The third one would be MUCH more effective as a powerful full stop.

'He twitches; he snores.' Aain, should be a full stop. Now the final one is the only effective one, and it works well. You DO overuse them!

Anyway, short but sweet. My only complainy plot wise is that I'm not entirely sure what's going on but I guess that's the point. Very nice job.
'We must break from this cycle! We must free ourselves from this captured legacy! And for that, we must embrace our end! In death lies freedom! - Evadrael
Ber Tataimel!




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This was really good. I like it a lot. I guess I can somewhat relate.
There were a few typos in there:

Someone’s crying in the kitchen. No one tells my why

No one tells me why.


That's all I found, besides a few semicolons in the place of dashes, etc.

I love the repetition of the person crying in the kitchen, and the child owing their father; loving him and hating him at the same time.
I like that you left us hanging, but a little more info would have made the story a little a better, in my opinion.

Great story. (:



The blood jet is poetry and there is no stopping it.
— Sylvia Plath