Bloodlust - Chapter Three

** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! xx **

........ wow.
That was just...... wow. I can't think of any other way to describe it.

There was just one tiny thing I found. It might just be me being stupid. I'm sorry if it is!

“Are you okay? What’s your name, dear?” the thing kept on repeating

As though from far away I could hear moans and shouts of pain, the man even once shouted out “Nina!”

Why was he asking her name if he knew it was Nina?
That part also seems a little awkward, but that might just be me.


It's really fantastic, you made the first vampire moment seem so real. I feel sorry for Nina now!
xxxx

Hello, there! How's it going? I'm excited to read this, so let's begin!

So, this will be the last 'filling in' chapter, as such, as I'll be getting onto the main storyline in the next chapter. This is quite a short chapter and a memory. It is also slightly graphic towards the end in terms of gore, which is why it is a PG-13 (and I promise you this does turn into a romance =P). I also want to put out to you (amazing!) readers that I really am not disturbed, (nice one, Luce. ) this is just how I envisioned a first vampire moment to be, when you haven't a clue what you or anything else is. So, before I give the whole thing a way, I'll stop here and hope you enjoy this chapter and as always, harsh and truthful critiques are very welcome!! (:

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Chapter Three

Blood dripping slowly into his mouth as he groans with pleasure, a pleasure [s]only he can feel[/s] known only to him. All I can feel is the soaring, ('soaring? I don't think pain is soaring, more like the opposite. Perhaps try another adjective.) unbearable pain caused by him slashing roughly and desperately at my waist. I just wanted it all to go away. (Seems awkward, this. Maybe make it a thought: [i]Please, I thought desperately, just make it stop. or something. I could feel myself passing out as the blood slowly drained away from my body and water replaced it.[/i] Water? I remember thinking before I promptly passed out.
“Hello? Hello, can you hear me?” A worried voice whispers in my ear and feeble, burning hot hands push at my body. I roll** over, groaning, the right side of my body throbbing.
I open my eyes, only to have them swallowed up by the darkness. Why is it so dark? [s]P[/s] passes through my mind, but is instantly repressed by the smell burning the insides of my nostrils and mouth. The burning increased as the thing that spoke to me earlier crouched over me, asking my name. Name? What was my name? * (see end)
Again, my thoughts were stopped instantly as I took a gasp of the burning air. I pulled myself up and leaned into towards the thing on the ground beside me.
“Are you okay? What’s your name, dear?” the thing kept on repeating. As my eyes started*** to adjust to the gloom I could see what this thing that spoke to me looked like. It was crinkly. Its surface was plagued by lines and wrinkles, especially round his two eyes and his mouth. He is a man because of his deep voice. I wasn’t too sure where that knowledge came from, but it seemed stupid to contradict with myself. Looking closer, I could tell that he had the same parts to his body as mine, although there was a strange hollow beating sound coming from him, as well as that smell that burned my throat and nose.
Lifting my hand towards his wrinkly surface – face my knowledge informed me – I touched it, the burning of his skin against mine forgotten as I felt a soft beat beneath his skin. I traced for the source of the beating, and traced it to below his neck. There seemed to be a large thumping object inside of him. Curious, I pushed my hand down on it and heard something crunch and the man yelped, scratching his nails frantically against my hands. I just brushed them away: I wanted to see this beating thing. Digging my nails into his flesh, red liquid seeped out of the cuts I had made, and the smell was stronger, urging me to lick the liquid up. So I did.
It was divine. (Whoa. *deep breath* It almost hurts to read this.)
I instantly needed more. I placed my hand over the thumping, wanting to protect it, and I could feel its power. I could also feel that it was circular, so lightly tracing my fingernails around the steady thumping, I then dug harder, making a red circle appear on the man’s chest. As though from far away I could hear moans and shouts of pain, the man even once [s]shouted[/s] screamed out, “Nina!”
I was too occupied with the thumping and the thick crimson liquid seeping from the circle I had made to take notice.
I continued to make more slashes with my nails all over the man’s body, slowly releasing the blood (as I later found out it was called), and licking it before it could drip onto the ground. The thick liquid coated my tongue and throat so deliciously I couldn’t get enough of it. Soon there was no blood left and the thumping had stopped. Curiously, I dug my fingernails beneath the circle I had made around the thumping earlier and tugged, revealing a shrivelled up red thing, still warm and full of blood. I ate it.
Later, I found out it was called a heart, and is what every human needs to stay alive. It seems I have one too, although mine doesn’t make the hypnotising boom-boom sound. My heart is dead, so therefore I am dead too.

OVERALL: Well. *ahem* This was interesting. Very good for a first-vampire moment. I think that's the kind of thing that would be in my mind if I had to write something like this. I'm not too big on gory stuff, but as I said, it fits the bill.

So, remember the * ? Well, here's my problem: you have to decide if this is present tense or past. Because it is unclear to the reader. On the * part it's "whispers" and also on the ** part, it's "roll" but later on the *** part it's "started" instead of "starts". So if I were you, I'd go back and change it all to present tense or past tense. Personally I'd choose past tense because it's a memory, but that's just me.

Well, great job. Just one last question: do you want only parts of the story italicized, or all of it? Because having bits and pieces is a tad confusing.

xoxo
~Sunny

Hiya Lucy It's Dreamwalker with your review and I'm truly excited about this one by far.

So as is my latest way of critiquing, I'll do my critique the go into things such as Plot, Characters, Setting, Punctuation and grammer, and such things .

So lets start!

Critique

Blood dripping slowly into his mouth as he groans with pleasure, a pleasure only he can feel.

To make more sense of this, I would probably replace 'dripping' with 'drips' due to the clarity of the sentence. It sounds awkward if not.

I open my eyes, to have them swallowed up by the darkness.

I'm not going to lie, this sentence made me giggle. I dont understand how it played out but it seems I took the sentence literally and actually thought of the characters eyes getting swollowed by the darkness.. oh dear. Maybe it would be best to change this to something more of the world around her was swallowed up in darkness?

I pulled myself up and leaned into towards the thing on the ground beside me.

Quick comment if I do say so myself. It should be 'in towards' instead of 'into towards'.

He is a man because of his deep voice.

This sentence would probably sound a lot less awkward if it was 'He was for surely a man'.

but it seemed stupid to contradict with myself.

The with is unnecessary

I traced for the source of the beating, and traced it to below his neck.

The word traced sounds a little redundant in this bit. Change the second one to maybe 'followed' which would make it less repetitive.

I placed my hand over the thumping, wanting to protect it, and I could feel its power. I could also feel that it was circular, so lightly tracing my fingernails around the steady thumping, I then dug harder, making a red circle appear on the man’s chest.

This bit feels terribly dragged on. I'm sure you could add a period in there at some particular place .

(as I later found out it was called),

Ah brackets. I dont see a direct need in them in literature hence not necessarily seeing them littered thoughout literature. They are a thought and this is obviously in the POV of the main character. Just use commas for the brackets feel a little silly.

Later, I found out it was called a heart, and is what every human needs to stay alive.

This could be the area you add in the bit about the blood being figured out. Just thought you might consider it .

My heart is dead, so therefore I am dead too.

I love this last sentence. Truly gripping and gruesome but awesome in all of it's glory!

Grammer/Punctuation:

Your punctuation was meticulous and perfect as is usually expected of you. Once again and few redundancy flaws but nothing to be too worried about for time will heal those flaws and a few added words that werent necessary, but for the most part your vocabulary was phenominal and your sentences were filled with passion and a very exciting tone.

Characters:

This character is already starting to sound quite interesting and I do believe I am becoming quite inert to your characters patterns. The inhumaness that is. I truly like how this character is portrayed in that sense for there is a feel of insanity, or what some humans would call insanity that is being displayed and an ignorance that is much more then exciting to me. I like that very much.

Setting:

There wasnt too much on the setting description but then again there really wasnt much of a need. How you described the darkness was by far interesting so I wont be to picky on this subject.

Plot:

This chapter was very interesting, plot wise. Like you admitted to prior, this was more for the character developement, I believe, and character developement is definitly being shown throughout your work. Your character in itself is becoming known and has a living personality, but most of all, a believeable one. Although the main plot isnt quite tied in yet, thus far it has been quite the ride.

Overall:

I loved this chapter. It was gory, gruesome, strange, twisted, and all the things I love about vampire books. The strange meloncholiness of the main character is making it so much more believable for the reader, and as I writer myself, I see a lot of potential in this work. Truly marvellous, a nice vocabulary, and interesting descriptions especially with the talk of blood. All around, good chapter .

From Dreams to Reality
~The.Dreamwalker

I pulled myself up and leaned into towards the thing on the ground beside me.

This sentence doesn't make much sence here. Maybe some rewording?

I wasn’t too sure where that knowledge came from, but it seemed stupid to contradict with myself

If the narrator doesnt know where it came from, she wouldnt contradict herself, now would she? Due to the fact that she wouldnt know it came from herself? yes? maybe...

slowly releasing the blood (as I later found out it was called),

This is what i was talking about before with the tense mess ups. In the beginning you were going strong with the present tense. This phrase in the paranthese shows that its past.

My heart is dead, so therefore I am dead too.

The narrator doesnt seem to upset about this. Actually, the narrator doesnt have any emotions at all. Granted, the bloodlust has overcome her, but it would think some pitty for the poor human might break through, if only for a moment.

A filler, but needed, in my opinion. Not many authors show the changing, just 'oh hey, look at me, i suck blood, dunno how it happened. Just BAM i like to nom nom nom on humans.' so good job with that. Again, what is our narrator doing with its life? (immortal life) why does your narrator remember this? why is it significant to the stories plot line? You just throw some back story at us, but dont tell us why you did so. This part is needed, just a little more is needs to be added.
Hope i could help.

--Jas

Sorry this is so late. I was sick, and then I had the entire review typed up but lost it after accidentally pressing the back button...

Blood drips slowly into his mouth as he groans with pleasure, a pleasure only he can feel.

Drips sounds better.

All I can feel is the soaring, unbearable pain caused by him slashing roughly and desperately at my waist.

This reads a bit awkwardly. I suggest changing it to "his rough and desparate slashes". You also cut down on the adverbs, this way. :P

I just wanted it all to go away. I could feel myself passing out as the blood slowly drained away from my body and water replaced it.

Sudden tense shift.

Water? I remember thinking before I promptly passed out.

I think this works better as a separate paragraph. Also, I suggest changing the underlined bit to "promptly passing out". Not only does it fix the tense shift, it also is a bit more concise as the sentence already implies the second I, making it a bit redundant.

I roll over, groaning, the right side of my body throbbing.

This should be merged with the next paragraph as it is her acting and not the man.

I open my eyes, to have them swallowed up by the darkness.

If her eyes were already closed, techinically they'd already be swallowed by darkness. Just keep it simple and say "but only see darkness."

Why is it so dark? passes through my mind[s],[/s] but is instantly repressed by the smell burning the insides of my nostrils and mouth.

To repress something means to actively work towards a lack of something. As smells are passive, this really doesn't make sense. Also, smell is a very bland word. Is the smell sharp? Sweet? Overpowering? Is it more of a tang or an aroma, a fragrance or an odor?

I also dislike the use of instantly here; immediately is better.

The burning increased as the thing that spoke to me earlier crouched over me, asking my name.

You've already described the scent as burning, but to what extent is it so? Is it a raging inferno or is it more of an incessant itch? A bit more description would be nice, especially if the smell is supposed to be riveting and pervasive. :P

Name? What was my name?

I think this works better as a paragraph of its own.

Again, my thoughts halted instantly as I took a gasp of the burning air. I pulled myself up and leaned [s]into[/s] towards the thing on the ground beside me.

Nix the instantly. You've already used it, and it just weakens this sentence. The immediacy of the thoughts being pushed away is already mentioned the first time around; no need to say it again. :P

Is the man kneeling, sitting, standing, lying down? A little bit of description goes a long way in making the setting concrete. Right now, I have no real idea where the characters are relative to one another, or how they are situated (outside that the MC was lying on the ground but is now leaning into the man).

Also, if you can use one concise word in the place of two or more, generally use that concise word. It helps improve the flow and cuts down on (you guessed it!) wordiness.

As my eyes adjusted to the gloom, I could see what this thing that spoke to me looked like.

New paragraph as these are her actions/observations and not his.

Also, the whole second half is much longer than it needs to be. "the thing that kept speaking to me" is much less awkward. Seeing implies looking at something, so there's no need to mention anything about being able to see what the man looks like, especially since you describe him right after.

Another thing, as eyes were closed, they would already be adjusted to darkness.

Its surface was plagued by lines and wrinkles, especially around his [s]two[/s] eyes and [s]his[/s] mouth.

Most people have two eyes.

He is a man because of his deep voice.

This would work better as its own separate paragraph, I think.

I wasn’t too sure where that knowledge came from, but it seemed stupid to contradict [s]with[/s] myself. Looking closer {at what?}, I could tell that he had the same [s]parts to his body as mine[/s] body parts as me, although there was a strange, hollow beating sound coming from him, as well as that smell that burned my throat and nose.

Lifting my hand towards his wrinkly surface – face, my knowledge informed me – I touched it, the burning of his skin against mine forgotten as I felt a soft beat beneath his skin. I traced for the source of the beating, and traced it to below his neck.

You use two words (skin and traced) twice in the same sentence which is way too close together. This is one of the times when a thesaurus does come in handy. ;P

Curious, I pushed my hand down on it and heard something crunch and the man yelped, scratching his nails frantically against my hands.

Unless the man was braced against something, or unless she's holding him in place, her pushing down should push him away rather than crush his ribcage or collar bone. Which one it is isn't clear (translation: more description, please :D).

I instantly needed more.

This sentence would be so much stronger without the unneeded adverb.

I placed my hand over the thumping, wanting to protect it, and [s]I could feel[/s] felt its power.

I could also feel that it was circular, so lightly tracing my fingernails around the steady thumping, I then dug harder, making a red circle appear on the man’s chest.

Way too much going on in this sentence, and it winds up being a confusing mes. Break it up.

Also, how can she feel that it's circular? Is it a vampire thing? If so, make that a little clearer. Humans can't tell the shape of a heart just by hearing/feeling it beat.

As though from far away I could hear moans and shouts of pain, the man even once shouted out “Nina!”

Comma splice. Also "I could hear moans and shouts of pain, but they seemed far away," is a bit clearer than what you currently have.

I was too occupied with the thumping and the thick crimson liquid seeping from the circle I had made to take notice.

Take the opportunity to describe a bit where the circle is on his body and relatively how deep it is. Instead of circle, "hole I had carved in his chest" is much more vivid (and gory! :P).

I [s]continued to make more slashes with my nails all over the man’s[/s] kept slashing the mann all over his body, slowly releasing the blood (as I later found out it was called), and licking it before it could drip onto the ground.

If she's making cuts all over his body, how is she able to lap up all the blood before it drips to the ground? Cuts, even shallow ones, tend to bleed for a while after they are made, after all.

The thick liquid coated my tongue and throat so deliciously, I couldn’t get enough of it.

Soon there was no blood left and the thumping [s]had[/s] stopped.

Yet shortly after, you tell us that his heart is full of blood. Try "the blood stopped flowing out".

Also, watch the verb tenses.

Curious, I dug my fingernails beneath the circle I had made around the thumping earlier and tugged, revealing a shrivelled up red thing, still warm and full of blood. I ate it.

I love how you just simply tell us she ate it. <3

Later, I found out it was called a heart, and is what every human needs to stay alive. It seems I have one too, although mine doesn’t make the hypnotising boom-boom sound. My heart is dead, so therefore I am dead too.

This last paragraph just feels so unsatisfying. I think it's the last sentence. It just feels so blah when compared to the rest of the chapter. I don't have any suggestions, though.

Overall, you need more description! I want the gory details! I was expecting something gruesome; this barely registers as a blip on the radar. Not that I was disappointed or anything; this was a well-written chapter overall and I enjoyed reading it. I just think it would be better with more details, especially on where the characters are relative to one another, how the blood smells to the MC, and just exactly what damage she is inflicting upon the poor old man.

You cut down on the wordiness a whole bunch, which was great. You just need to tweak a couple turns of phrase to make them clearer and/or more concise. :3 I pointed out the ones that jumped out at me. Just don't go too crazy with the cutting down that you leave out essential bits of description. :P

Finally, I really don't think this chapter needs to be in italics. It's already separated as a chapter of its own, and italics aren't easy nor fun to read on a computer screen.

Other than that, though, I enjoyed reading this. I adored the characterization. <3 I look forward to reading the next chapter (and to seeing how you incorporate romance into this story). :3

This is very good! I like your plot so far and where this seems to be going.
In this sentnce, 'I wasn’t too sure where that knowledge came from, but it seemed stupid to contradict with myself,' contradict with myself sound a little weird, but if you like that sentence, you could take 'with' out. I think it would sound better that way. Overall, I think this is a good piece of work. If you need any help, or have any questions, PM me! I'd love to help.

~Nikki

This seems to be the best I have read so far. I would love to read more about this. I was intrigued and I was a little disappointed when it ended.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don't know what to say. Every one else has already covered the punctuation, grammar and technical pointers that were bothering me, so I'll just get strait to the meat of what I want to say. The part of the chapter where the MC is confused is absolutely stunning. you are able to portray her confusion in a way that you give the reader enough to piece together what is going on, but leave enough out to leave them hanging. The only problem with it is that you use parentheses. I very much dislike parentheses. I think that they take the reader out of the story, if you can figure out how to remove the parentheses, I think, you may not, it would be better.
Also you didn't make it that gruesome, it wasn't that descriptive, which is good because it leaves room for the readers mind to wander. If you let the mind wander they themselves can get even more out of it. GOOD!!! that is good. But these are my personal preferences, if you don't agree just ignore them. thanks for listening. I hope these tips help! great writing I really loved it.