Romance/ Fantasy Fiction

This is Chapter two of my story. It is Called Averian Marie, ( I think) But I am open to any suggestions on titles. PLease be as harsh as you like!

Chapter 2
Negotiations
Later that day found all noble personages and important ambassadors in the castle's courtroom debating what to do about the treaty problems between Assyriac and Teranad. Averian and Geran were seated facing each other, and Averian ventured a shy smile. Geran beamed the largest grin she had ever seen in reply. It was all Averian could do to keep from laughing.
During dinner, Geran tried all the things he could think of to learn more of this curious girl. He wanted to learn what made her tick, for she seemed so different from all the other girls in Teranad. All he could find out was she had six little sisters, no brothers, she was eighteen, and her father was widowed. This was interesting to him, for he himself had no sisters and only one little brother. He wondered so much more about this remarkable ambassador. Was she happy serving her country here in Teranad? Was she betrothed? .
In the courtroom, Averian was bored stiff. That was just how she felt; stiff. She felt like she could never walk again. They had been in this room for hours, listening to the same debate. She just wanted to be somewhere else, like the gardens. She loved flowers. But, unfortunately, this was no matter to be taken lightly. The good of a whole country depended on this. There were still some ambassadors and nobles who did not wish to be entreatied to Assyriac, believing that there was no benefit to them. But Averian was determined to win over the nobles. And possibly, have some merriment in the process.

"Miss Averian, may I have a word?" Geran sauntered over to her as the meeting adjourned. " This afternoon, I will be taking a ride out under the clear sky. Would you like to join me?"
She felt her stiff back. It took her a minute, but she finally decided that it would be worth it to have some fresh air. " Well, I have a meeting with the prime minister and his wife in one hour, but after that, I have nothing all afternoon!"
"Wonderful! I will meet you out in the North stables, across from the clock tower, at three. I should have your ride saddled and ready to go by then. Now, I'll be counting down the seconds till it is time." With that, they parted their two separate ways, each dreaming of a completely different afternoon.

The grand clock struck three just as Averian marched into the stables. She let her gaze wander until it finally came to rest on Geran, brushing a mighty charger. " Well, well, well, I see you have faith in my riding to saddle up such an impressive stallion for me."
He turned to her with a sheepish smile." Well, actually, I had intended for you to ride this one," and with that he pointed to a docile mare passively masticating some straw," but now I realize you would not even think of riding such a tame little fellow. I suppose we will have to suit you up with a different mount."
He called to a short, plump, stable boy with huge, bulging eyes, a quick smile, and an accent from somewhere North East of Teranad. He hastily sized Averian up, then ran down a few stalls till he found the steed he was looking for. He led a brilliant white mare out of his stall and over to Averian.
"This otta work well for ya' Mam. We calls him Toby Tempest for the storm you get from ridin' him. You best be careful, he might throw you clear off. Hold on tight now!"
She threw her climbed on and daintily lighted, sidesaddle, of course. "Thank you very much, Sir….."
"Oh, Angus Macdonald at your service"
" Thank you very much, Angus Macdonald, but, we best be off." And together, Averian and Geran rode off towards the afternoon of a lifetime.

Hi again! I'm glad the next part is posted, its a really sweet story

All he had to do was ask her about her life back in Assyriac and it was as if he had thrown a switch

I think 'flicked a switch' might sound better here and it might be best to rearrange it a little, perhaps instead of saying he had flicked a switch that 'it was as if a flick had been switched'

Instead of her sullen face, she wore a bright expression and talked of all her marvelous little sisters, from the ages of three to just three years younger than her, sixteen., whom her world obviously revolved around.

This is quite a long sentence, I think you could break it up a bit, maybe with a full stop after 'sixteen' and rephrasing 'whom her world obviously revolved around' a little. I'd maybe add something like 'usual' before 'sullen face' as well to show that that is how she looks most of the time and I think you could replace the comma before sixteen with 'at' to flow better. Maybe something like this- 'Instead of her usual sullen face, she wore a bright expression and talked of all her marvellous little sisters, from the age of three to just three years younger than her at sixteen. It was obvious to him that her world revolved around them from the way she spoke.' or you could go on to describe her voice and expression more in detail

Geran could not believe this miraculous change. But the ever happy Geran just couldn't understand why someone of her great privilege could be so sullen.

I think you could rewrite the second sentence to make more sense and fit in with the rest of the paragraph. As you are saying he is surprised at the miraculous change I wouldn't have 'But' at the beginning as he is not contradicting what he has already said. I think it might work well with an extra sentence between these two to say how happy she was so that they are connected more, for instance maybe something like 'Geran could not believe this miraculous change. It was as if she were another person and the ever positive Geran couldn't understand why someone of her great privilege was not always so happy.'

Wasn’t she happy serving her country? But he had a plan to cheer her up a bit.

You have used 'But' quite recently, I'd maybe change this sentence a bit so you don't use it again. I thought she was already happy as well? Perhaps something like 'He had an idea on how to keep her from returning to her moody nature.'

In the courtroom, Averian still carried some of the happiness she had shown in the banquet hall, but, unfortunately, this was no matter to be taken lightly.

when you said 'this was' I didn't understand what you were referring to, I'd maybe change it to something like 'the topic of conversation' or something that specifies what you mean

There were still some ambassadors and nobles who did not wish to be entreatied to Assyriac, believing that there was no benefit to them. But Averian was determined to win over the nobles. And possibly, have some merriment in the process.

I'd join the last two sentence and I don't think you need the comma after 'possibly'. I think you could change 'believing it was no benefit to them' a bit to something like 'believing that it would not benefit them' or 'believing that it would be of no benefit to them' or something like that.

" This afternoon, I will be taking a ride out under the clear sky.

This sounded a kind of odd thing to say to me, I'd maybe change it a bit so it is more realistic. Maybe just something about enjoying an evening ride would be better.

" Well, I have a meeting with the prime minister and his wife in one hour, but after that, I'm free!"

You need to push 'well' back a space and as she is still quite happy but not very happy, (or that’s the impression I got anyway) I’d maybe change the exclamation mark to a full stop.

Now, I'll be counting down the seconds till it is time."

Again this sounded a bit awkward. I think it might sound better without the ‘Now’ at the beginning and maybe changing ‘till it is time’, maybe something like ‘I’ll be counting down the seconds till then.’ would flow easier.

The grand clock struck three just as Averian marched into the stables.

I’m not sure about the action ‘marched’, I think something like ‘strolled’ or ‘walked’ to show she is relaxed would be more appropriate here, maybe you could change it to something more casual to fit in better with how she is feeling

" Well, well, well, I see you have faith in my riding to saddle up such an impressive stallion for my usage."

‘Well’ needs to go back a space and I’m not sure about the word ‘usage’, maybe just ‘for me’ would work better.

." Well, actually, I had intended for you to ride this one," and with that he pointed to a docile mare passively chomping on some straw," but I believe

‘Well’ needs to go back a space here too I think ’he said, pointing to a docile mare’ might flow easier than ’and with that he pointed to’ but it’s just a suggestion The speech mark before 'but' needs to be pushed forward a space here as well.

somewhat handsome stable boy with huge, bulging eyes, a quick smile, and an accent from somewhere North East of Teranad.

‘huge bulging eyes’ doesn’t really sound very handsome! Maybe ‘apart from his huge bulging eyes’ or something to that effect You haven’t mentioned him speaking yet so I’d maybe leave the accent until afterwards.

"Thank you very much, Sir….."

I think it should only be three dots here so I’d get rid of two

"Oh, Angus Macdonald at your service"
" Thank you very much, Angus Macdonald, but, we best be off." And together, Averian and Geran rode off towards the golden fields.

‘Thank’ needs to be pushed back a space and you need some sort of punctuation at the end of the speech like a full stop. I think you need to specify who is talking in the last bit of speech as I’m not really sure who is.

Overall: I think this is still a good idea and I love the fairytale feel to it nice work!

I did notice that there were some mistakes with spaces, I think I pointed them all out though. It just takes checking back through your work so it’s not much to worry about really. I didn’t get much of a sense of Averian’s character here, before she seemed different to the usual princess girls but here she just seemed happy and there wasn't a lot on why. I think it's because at first you were talking from Geran's perspective but you could always have him noticing how she looks or her actions or something like that. I think it would be better to develop her more, perhaps add in some comments from her and actions to get across more her not so girly side as she seeme like quite a strong character before

I think you could also add more detail to when they talk to one another, like their expressions and how they speak and react to one another’s comments. I think this would really help in painting more of a picture for the reader and showing how they both feel when speaking to each other. As this is early on, the characters are still being introduced properly and I’d work on adding more to show what they are both really like.

I like how you have continued and hope to read more! I thought the introduction of the new character was well done and I loved his accent All my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you like, hope I’ve helped!

Okay,lots of work on this one! I would consider changing it entirely.
The whole subject the second chapter revolves around is sort of very shallow. The guy is going to win the girl's heart so he can add another name to the list. She's so grumpy but then you talk about her old home, and poof! She magically turns into the nicest person around, forgetting her goal of saving her country and evrything! Out of line for characters, out of line for the plot, the start is very, very telly, 'she ventured [i can't remember exactly how you said it] a shy smile' oh come on! And he doesn't react to that smile? He'd been trying to catch her attention all afternoon! And when did she decide to smile at him? I thought she didn't like him, or anybody else as a matter of a fact. And people do not build your life! Her whole life can't revolve around her sisters! You stated at the first chapter that that was not what she missed! Get your story straight!
Other than that, I like your writting, you're doing an exellent job, but I think it could be perfected, so I'm being harsh. Don't take it to heart, just try to fix the plot, because right now, there is no plot. It's just another prince-falls-inlove-with-princess, or so it sounds, and I expected more than that.
Keep on working hard, you'll edit it and get it right, I'm sure.
ofir

Hmmm, this is getting quite interesting. You have quite a bit of work to do on it though.... it's not bad. I won't be as nit-picky as Pips over there, (But then again, she's an Instructor ) but you are going to get a good review. I'm mostly going to talk about your characters.

Let's start with Averian Marie. So, I really liked her at first. I mean, we told you to soften her up, but you kinda overdid it. In the first chapter, she didn't seem very... ummm, gracious to Geran about being there and the hospitality he gave to her. What I loved in the first chapter was she was still a firm woman who wasn't going to give into Geran without a fight. And this can also cut the story real short. Try to keep her still somewhat the fierce girl she was before. It's like you're trying to make another Romeo and Juliet. You make it seem like Averian will suddenly weaken up when Geran talks to her about her hometown of Assyriac. Which fills my head with interesting thoughts, but I don't think it's what you're leaning towards. This is one of the tricky things when you develope a character. Here's a little tip when you make a character. Make a list of the characteristics you want them to have. So for Averian Marie, I would put this: Averian Marie is the ambassador from Assyriac. She is a very beautiful girl. *You could add a short footnote here* I want Averian to capture the heart of Geran. And so on and so forth. Characters are tricky. Don't rush into them. Some of the best authors will spend days planning out their characters. Really focus on them, they can change a story and the reader's interest in a flash.

Now we get to Geran. He apparently is supposed to be the 'Prince Charming' right? If I am, it seems that you are trying to make this the whole 'Happily Ever After' fairytale. Have you ever read Tamora Pierce's books? Try reading those and pay attention to how she writes. Your writing is very similar to hers. Which is good, 'cause loads of people love her. Anyhoo, with Geran, you kinda make him sound like like a pansy, no offense, but he really reminds me of the kind of prince that thinks that life is all easy, and has no backbone. Do you get my drift? Really focus on him too, and toughen him up just a tad. Don't make him aggressive, but not so wussy.

Ok, I have one last thing that's been bugging me. With Angus Macdonald. He's obviously the simple stableboy, and their grammar can be tricky.

"This otta' work well for ya' Mam, we calls him Toby Tempest for the storm you get from ridin' him. You best be careful, he might throw you clear off. Hold on tight now!"

Tut tut. This is really tricky.
This 'un will prob'ly work for ye Ma'am. *or marm* We call 'im Toby Tempest, 'cause it's alike ridin' a storm. You be'er be caruful, he c'n throw yeh clear off! 'Old him tight now! That's the way to make 'em talk with a lisp and uneducated words. It's tricky though, I know.

Well, overall the story's coming along real well. Keep writing and let me know when you post the next part!

Lucy