This morning before you drove me to work, I noticed that:

This morning before you drove me to work, I noticed that

You remind me of a lizard sometimes,
(e.g. now):
it's hell trying to pry you off your chair (or boulder)
when you are deep-sunken into its padded seat
with your long body reduced to a bony comma,
too enthralled by the slow heat
of sunned fabric against your shoulderblades
to move.

There are charts and human blueprints on
your side, but in these moments I still see,
like a shadow on your spine,
the cold-blooded echo of some extinct
& scaly creature, no matter the temperature of
our species' pulse. It's then that I think
if someone dyed your ventricles blue and
turned you transparent (your dry
& scaly skin to waxed paper),
you'd have to admit it, because anyone watching
would see the slow, aching spread of inky tendrils

while your fist-sized heart pumped lazily,
relaxing by degrees, the meaty folds fanning out
like ugly, naked bird wings
and not contracting for a long,
long time. The iambic beat as unhurried
as the rise and fall of your ribcage,
(which until that someone dares to drain
and paint your arteries is all
I have to analyze). And your warm breathing alone
is enough for me to judge you
reptilian, a ludicrous dinosaur of a girl, condemned
to prehistory and science --

-- but then you are standing beside me.

You've
one hand on your hat, a half-smile
where a moment ago I fancied I saw you flicking
out your tongue. Your mouth is opening
impossibly fast for a kiss: "Let's go."
I'm being swept along again.

(I can only suppose you've absorbed the light you
needed to set your metabolism in motion.

Or perhaps
I was looking at it the wrong way round:
after all, when you move your hands,
my eyes follow.)

McHelpfulPants, this is great stuff!

The poem obviously comes from someone with a great sense of creativity and observation. It's at once absurd and intelligent. Anyone reading this will obviously be affected by its ambiguity. I don't have to tell you obviously, but when you can make the reader feel a little lost without becoming altogether obscure, you have a tool that will be very useful for future poems. Personally, I thought that you wouldn't be going to work if you were fourteen. If by work you mean school, then the lizard can only be your mother as far as I can see. But maybe you've made a character that you're speaking for.

Frankly, though, I'm just baffled.

Anyways, some general comments:

I noticed you used the word "impossibly" twice and "wisely" at some point. There's nothing wrong but they sounded a little bit odd (you should consider why they're there. If they ain't necessary, scissor them. Otherwise if it's to bring out the sense of awe and strangeness, go ahead and keep them).

"that someone dares to paint your veins so scientifically"

"so scientifically" sounded a little offbeat here. I could be wrong, but if you're going into ventricles and cardiovascular movements, this sounds a little humbled or under-toned.

Okay, the word choices are great but could always be better and the images of painted ventricles and dinosaurs and commas and bird/hearts and o yes, lizards were fascinatingly done. The ending was as baffling as the character in question. I'd say this poem will stay with me. Kudos. Do specify your gender for god's sake and review a little more. Thanks for the read,
The Plant.

Thanks so much for reviewing! Yes, the speaker was a mere assumed character, although come to that I could change 'work' to 'school' and 'girl' to 'woman' and it might as well be my own voice, albeit complete with fictionalized observations. :'D

I've edited some and deleted a few unnecessary adverbs, as well as changing some of the word choice in a few places. <3

McHelpfulPants --

Fantastic. It's good to see some real poetry from a new member every once in a while. I thoroughly enjoyed your use of imagery and I like the way you spoke ambiguously, leaving meaning and feelings up to the reader's interpretation -- this is poetry, not the blunt, obviously existential crap I see so much of. Your language was vibrant, well-chosen, succinct. It's obvious that you're a very competant poet.

I'm not sure about the ending. It drags a little, especially the last few lines. You already have a fairly long poem on your hands, and so I'd focus on being a little more concise and...oblique with your ending. Plus, I don't like the fact that you ruined all the lovely nebulousness with an introspective moral-of-the-story. If you ask me, delete the last stanza. I kind of like where it ends without it.

like an ugly, naked chick

Chick, as in the baby chicken? Or chick, as in a woman? If it's the latter, I don't like it; it's too casual, even for a poem like this, where colloquial language and abbreviations are already being utilized. If it's the former, it needs fixing. How do meaty folds relate to newborn chicks? ...It's probably the latter. Get rid of it.

and paint your arteries is
all
I have to analyze).

I don't like the spacing here. It's meaningless and awkward. "All" needs to be joined up with one of the two lines.

Anyway. Was browsing.

-Kylan

Thank you so much for the critique! Glad you liked most of it. :'D I did in fact mean 'chick' as in the baby bird - not sure how a beating heart would relate to a woman. I've replaced it with 'bird's wings', but in general the simile is a little questionable and I might just cut it entirely.

Changed the enjambment as advised.

I'm still in limbo about the last stanza, because the reversal I kind of like, but on the other hand if it is moral-of-the-story-esque, which I didn't intend, it definitely needs to go.

Hm.

NIIICE

I literally said that out loud after I finished reading it. I absolutely loved it! Gold star for you.

I'm not much of a poet to find anything to criticize in this. I definitely love the imagery and the tone of this poem. I love especially how you describe the girl as a lizard. Such an unorthodox description for a girl of all things and yet somehow I picture her so tantalizing and beautiful (:

I'm in awe. Please keep writing!

~ Audy

Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it. Also pleased that the lizard/girl comparison created an image of someone lovely, which was the intention. :'D

Here we are. Finally. xD I'm so slow~ >_<

I see you've gotten a bunch of good advice, so I'll just pitch in my two cents. ^_^

but still at times like these I see

like a shadow on your spine

the cold-blooded echo of some extinct

& scaly creature, no matter the temperature of

our species' pulse.

I think you need a comma after see and after spine, because the 'like a shadow on your spine' is technically not really necessary and should be set off from the rest of the 'sentence' in the poem. I also really like the mention of temperature here, because it coincides with the heat you mentioned earlier in the poem, but then the heat imagery drops off. Maybe you might consider slipping some more in towards the end of the poem? ^_^ For consistency, if you could. I don't know. =]

(your dry

& scaly skin to waxed paper),

This the second time in a short space that you've used the phrase '& scaly' and I don't know if that was intentional or not, but it seems like you might want to find another way to put it if it was not intentional. n_n;

the meaty folds fanning out

like ugly, naked bird wings

and not contracting for a long,

long time.

The imagery here is beautiful, as is the repetition. It slows the pace of the poem to parallel the content, which is fantastic. <3

(I can only suppose you've absorbed the light you

needed to set your metabolism in motion.



Or perhaps

I was looking at it the wrong way round:

after all, when you move your hands,

my eyes follow.)

I like the reference again to the reptilian way of life in that first couplet, but the twist that comes in those last four lines is brilliant. I think, if you wanted, it could be expanded just the tiniest bit, because any sort of predator might follow movement with their eyes, not just reptiles, right?

Overall, this is a highly enjoyable poem. The only part I didn't like so much, actually was the description of the 'let's go' thing, because it sort of broke the continuity of the poem, but I do acknowledge that it might be necessary for the message of the poem to come across at all.

This is fantastic. Let me know of you have any questions and when you post anything else!

-Hannah-

<3 <3 <3. As ever.

Edited again!

This is really great. Its very unusual, and a nice breath of clean air from all the starcrossed-lovers type stuff.

That said, there were a few things that threw me off:

The first is the parenthases in the last two stanzas. It seemed a little broken to me. I kept looking for the other end until I realized it was at the last word. Maybe if you consolidated these two verses, or put them each in their own set, it would look better.

Also, in the first line of the second verse it took me a minute to figure out what you meant. It might work better if you put in only blueprints or only charts instead of both.

All in all, though, its excellent.

Thank you! I think I might remove 'charts', at that, or change the 'and' to a comma, perhaps. Parentheses... yes, I know what you mean; I don't like the odd look of it that much, although on the other hand I want the stanza separation. Maybe two sets? Hm.