Construction

Construction

Last night I left for the countryside.
I wanted to feel immortal in my solitude,
away from the loud demands of society.
In a field I lay breathing the pure air.
Enthralled, I watched clouds curl
across a delightfully simple horizon.
Grass crunched beneath my feet,
When I cried for the effortless destruction
Of plucking a flower from its home.

Standing in the forest, I heard the humming sound
Of life, uncaring and independent of humans.
In that moment I realized
My whole life and everything I’ve done
Will vanish with mankind
Left for trees to slowly reclaim
And for animals to indiscrimately crawl upon.
I felt infinitely finite, deciding that
I would like to know an earth without
Deadlines, phone calls, and pollution.

Ah, an absolutely stunning portrayal of realization and how humans can take the world around them for granted.

Without too much or too little detail, you set the scene nicely and gave insight on the type of character I was reading about.

I can suggest, though, for future creations, to give the reader an idea on why exactly the character thinks what he does.
Like in this poem, for example, I, personally, get the impression that perhaps not everything is going as smoothly as the man could hope for, and in his escape from harsh reality he found understanding.

Hello sodapop,

is it too late to welcome you to the site? Naah, welcome! If you ever need any help feel free to drop me a line. =)

Lets get to your poem though:

I didn't find any obvious spelling or grammar errors, which just shows me you're serious about this and take the time to proof-read.

Also I thought you had some great imagery for what your theme. I liked the flower one especially. It captures very well how beautiful, alive things are often trodden on or unearthed by the modern way of life.

However there are one or two things I'd like to talk about here a little bit:

For one that is one of the most essential rules of writing, but especially poetry: Show don't tell.
Basically this implies that rather than telling your audience what your narrator is feeling, for example that he wants to feel immortal in his solitude, you show them. Give them a picture. What does he see out there on the county side, what does he feel, how do things smell that he seeks to find the feeling of immortality by being out there alone?

You've proven that you know how to draw images with words, just do so more. Showing your reader things is what creates the mood in him, which is what you want. You don't only want to inform us of what your narrator is feeling, but you want us to be a part of that, to identify with him. You have an important message, so instead of telling us what your narrator is going through make is go through it with him!

Another important thing is word choice. Since you have a relatively short poem of two stanzas you want every word to count. Every word must support your imagery, your emotion, your message. Let me give you an example of where I think you could work on word choice some more:

across a delightfully simple horizon.

The horizon you describe as delightfully simple. What does this say about the horizon?

That it is simple and that your narrator finds this delightful. So?
Make us find it delightful! It's simple, because it's a line, what does this line have that makes it so delightful, so simple? (Okay, lines are simple so you could argue that one, but wouldn't the "line" for example be a great contrast to the "curling clouds"? Essentially that was what you were doing, I take it, but why not describe more and let us feel the delight rather than read about it?)

Hereis a great article on diction. I think it's very useful, so maybe it helps you a bit.

Okay, I think I've talked enough in here. PM me if you have any questions and keep going!

All the best,
~Kalliope