A Simple Mistake: Chapter One (Edit)

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I stood behind the hostess stand, mindlessly wiping down menus just to give my hands something to do. It was early afternoon, and Boogie’s Diner was less than packed. My mind still played with the locker incident, drawing me back to that every time I tried to let it go.

Perhaps if you don’t forget it, you won’t make the same moronic mistake again, my mind spat angrily.

“Nessa, your tables almost done.” Kelly said, coming up behind me and taking over my position as menu cleaner. Oh yes, we worked hard.

My lip tugged in a small half smile. Far more genuine than the smile I’d bestowed on my boss earlier that morning. “Thanks, Kel.”

I ambled over to the table where a man and two ladies sat finishing their meals. I smiled wide, putting on all the charm I could muster. “Hi there, can I get you folks anything else, perhaps some dessert?” I asked, knowing the answer would be no. Funny thing about regular customers, they never really changed.

“No, just the bill,” said the man.

I slipped the bill onto the table face down. “I’ll be your cashier when you’re ready, have a fantastic day.”

I knew without a doubt that the man would be the one to pick up the bill, and he would pay in cash. The tip he left wouldn’t be great, but it would be decent. He would help the woman sitting next to him into her jacket, and then open the door for them as they exited. I studied all three of them as he completed the acts that I knew he would, and I found myself in a state of total intrigue.

Routine is such a strange thing. Those little things we act on daily, mostly without even realizing we are doing them. I wake up every morning at the same time, turn on the shower, and brush my teeth… Everything I do every day is routine. I come to work, wait on the same tables, mostly the same people.

I didn’t see my dog, Jelly, doing the same thing every week. At least she knows how to change it up. Sometimes she sleeps on the couch, sometimes on the bed, sometimes on the rug in the bathroom. There was no pattern to her choices. Humans though… we liked pattern.

The bell on the door chimed, drawing my attention away from my thoughts. I smiled at the familiar face. “Benjamin! Your seat is open, help yourself, and I’ll bring your diet coke to you in a second.” I said with a legitimate grin.

“Thanks, gorgeous.” He said, tipping his hat in the charming way he always did.

Benjamin was the most routine oriented people I’d ever met. He came in the same three days a week, sat in the exact same spot, ordered the exact same meal, and paid the exact same price. He always tipped me generously, which I appreciated. Not to mention, he always requested that I wait on him. I wasn’t sure if that was for the sake of routine or because I was the only one that could remember his order by heart.

It was a very specific order.

Benjamin was an attractive guy, dirty-blonde hair that he never let get too long, pale green eyes that always sparkled with a glint of humor, a magnificent smile, and he always wore a fedora. Always. He was tall and husky, probably standing over a foot taller than me.

I brought his diet coke over to his usual table and set it down on the napkin he had folded into a square for me.

“Here you are, kind sir.” I told him with my usual flourish.

He grinned. “Why, mi’lady, you are all too kind.” He said, removing his hat and bowing his head gallantly.

I laughed at his antics. “Ok, a bacon burger, no cheese, onions, pickles, tomatoes, or condiment of any kind. Bacon burned… no excuse me, extra crispy… with seasoned fries and a house salad with no tomato or cucumber with a side of ranch?” I asked.

“And she gets it right every time. Your memory is wonderful, mi’lady.”

I giggled again and knocked his hat over his eyes playfully. “That’s because you never change it, Benjamin.”

“Why would I ever change such a perfect order?” He said, pushing his hat back up, his eyes were laughing at me.

I shook my head, still pleased, and brought his order to the cooks.

Benjamin was my favorite customer by far.
Life is for living.




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Hello again,

I'm back with the crit I promised :) Official greeting over, let's go. Hopefully I'll be a little more constructive this time.



quote:
My mind still played with the locker incident, drawing me back to that every time I tried to let it go.

"to that" has an awkward ring to it. I'd like to see that somehow rephrased, that actuall phrase deleted. It just - it just does bad things to a very nice paragraph.


quote:
Perhaps if you don’t forget it, you’ll not make the same moronic mistake again. My mind spit angrily.

Perhaps if you don’t forget it, you’ll not make the same moronic mistake again, my mind spit angrily (italics as in yours)


quote:
“Nessa, your tables almost done.” Kelly said

"your table's"; "done, Kelly"


quote:
Oh yes, we worked hard. [/b]
I don't really get this. My lack of a sense of humor? Sarcasm? I just don't understand.


quote:
My lip tugged in a small half smile. Far more genuine than the smile I’d bestowed on my boss earlier that morning.

I'd merge these two together. They'd look, and sound better that way, I think.


quote:
I stood proudly at five foot nothin’ and wouldn’t have it any other way.

;)


quote:
pushing his hat back up, his eyes were laughing at me.

Cut the verb.


***


The first thing that hit me was dialogue punctuation. It's ruining a perfectly nice piece, fine by any other grammatical nuances... I quoted the first occurence, so to say, but left all others - no use pointing out each and every little period turned comma, and vice versa. Work on that, do, and the story itself will improve a lot, also visually.

I like the reference to Jelly. Very nice idea, sticking to the topic while at the same time rambling a bit, and so in consequences not just telling everything outright and so being a bit boring. That you avoided, and with good effect. The narrative flowed smoothly, there were no bumps along the way.

I would, however, like to have a better sense of the setting, her surroundings. Consider slipping in those little details, and I'll be very happy with what I've managed to read. Maybe add a reference or two to her insecurities, but that might be a little too much - you know best :)

Dialogue punctuation !


Cheers,
Esme




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Hi there Tiff! June here to *finally* review this for you. Let's have a stab at this; corrections first, my thoughts later.


“Nessa, your tables almost done.” Kelly said, coming up behind me and taking over my position as menu cleaner. Oh yes, we worked hard.


• You should use table's here, with an apostrophe, dear. The form you have here is plural ;).


My lip tugged in a small half smile. Far more genuine than the smile I’d bestowed on my boss earlier that morning. “Thanks, Kel.”


• It sounds a bit here as if someone else is controlling her lip. Also! Won't her lips tug into a smile, not just one? :P Perhaps "I tugged my lips into a smile," could work more effectively?

I smiled wide, putting on all the charm I could muster.


Just a small pointer-outer, usually when I write about big smiles I say smile widely. :P Just throwing that out.

Benjamin was the most routine oriented people I’d ever met.


• This should either be, "... one of the most..." or "...oriented person."


- * -


One of the things about this that I immediately fell in love with is the voice you are using here, Tiff. It's simple and if we think hard enough about this, we can totally narrow the narrator's location down to some region of a country.

Another thing about this that I love is the "full descriptions". You go over and out with them, and it's not overboard to an extent of boringness, but it's really, really great. I love the way you described stuff here.


I understand that commas and such are really easy to be faulted, but in a few places throughout they stumbled. Here's an example of how to remember:

Think of dialogue and their tags as a sentence:

"I wonder," Sue Ellen thought, "why the sun rises every morning."

See? I did not capitalize the W in why because it's the same sentence. The only thing that separates is a comma and quotation mark, dear.

But look here:

"I want the dog back here now." The man said, "I don't want any excuses."

I capitalized the T because the previous sentence ended, understand? Yet, it can all be understood as one.

Hope that helped, and didn't sound like I was lecturing, hehe.




Keep up the fabuloustastic work, dearie. Good luck writing.

Juniper
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter




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Hey Tiffany! Here is your prize for inadvertently winning a contest you didn't know was going on!

---

I stood behind the hostess stand, mindlessly wiping down menus just to give my hands something to do.

This is a bit awkward, because you use two forms of the word "stand" in close proximity. Just change one of the words, or rearrange this part slightly so that you use different words. Perhaps "paced" instead of "stood" or anyway you want to vary it.

“Nessa, your tables almost done.” Kelly said, coming up behind me and taking over my position as menu cleaner. Oh yes, we worked hard.

I think you should at least a sentence more of description after the dialogue here, because I'm not sure if the last part of this paragraph is sarcastic or serious. It seems like a phrase like that is meant to be sarcastic, as it wouldn't make sense serious, however there's really been no proof that they're not working harder, except for her mindless wiping down, which is still work.

Humans though… we liked pattern.

I am very anti-ellipses, and I believe this would look better with just a comma. I always pounce at ellipses and wish them to be commas, though, so... :)

“Benjamin! Your seat is open, help yourself, and I’ll bring your diet coke to you in a second.” I said with a legitimate grin.

“Thanks, gorgeous.” He said, tipping his hat in the charming way he always did.

There's some error in the dialogue grammar here. After a bit of dialogue where you finish with a dialogue tag such as: "he said", "she nodded" "she giggled", the period must be a comma, as technically it is not the end of the sentence in this case. For instance: "coke to you in a second," I said with a legitimate grin. If this were to say "She", then it would not be capitalized. Example:

"coke to you in a second," she said with a legitimate grin.

It took me a while to figure this out, but it's an easy thing to fix in writing.

Benjamin was the most routine oriented people I’d ever met

- "Routine-oriented", I believe this should be hyphened.
- "People" sounds awkward. I think a change to "person" would be best!

“And she gets it right every time. Your memory is wonderful, mi’lady.”

He wears a fedora and says "mi'lady"? Dork! Just kidding, it's endearing. ^_^

---

Oh! This is very short, I demand more immediately. At the get-go, this is a very short and sweet start to a story, and I'm interested in where it's going. The tone is very sincere and concise, and I'm really enjoying that. This reflects in the dialogue, which I think is done very well, and the sincere tone of the story makes the relationship between the main character and Benjamin very endearing.

There's only a slight bit of plot here, so I feel I can't comment much. The characterization I feel is fine, and I think the main character is a whimsical sweetie pie. Any problems that do exist lie in some word choice or slight grammatical errors, of which I've already pointed out. I hope you have a second part posted, because I'm-a wondering what's up with this here Benjamin fellow... :P

I hope this helped! Feel free to PM me with questions.

~ Clo
How am I not myself?



It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien