Pain

“Pain”

Feeling pain
It’s not the easiest thing in the world
You’ve been betrayed in a way
A way that makes you feel like you have no emotions
You have tears from pain
Marks from pain
I mean, pain can cause so many problems
But isn’t that what makes you stronger?
Makes you better than who you used to be?
It molds you in a way
From pain, the outcome can be anything
When I feel pain, it’s so strong and heavy
Like I can’t breathe
Like there’s no life inside me
I feel like I’m on another planet
Where no one knows who I am
How I feel
What I stand for
But this is the last time I feel pain
I’m knocking down that door
And I’m not taking NO MORE!
Pain

I wrote this about 1 year ago. Just tell me what you think about it.

*flies in*

Hi there, Niah! It's June! Good to see you postin' some works 'round here! But! I just want to remind you of a rule we have here on YWS, dear. Whenever you post a work, you should have reviewed at least 2 pieces of work by someone else. The 2:1 ratio policy helps to ensure that pieces all over YWS get reviewed, and it drives more reviews towards you.

And! Another thing I want to point out is the usage of your name on the net, dear. If that's a pen name, cool. You can use it. If it's your real name, you really don't want to use it here, because if anyone googles your name, they'll be able to find you here. It's preferred that people under 18 do not use their real first and last name on the net.


So, let's take a look at this poem you've got here. Dramatic it is, indeed.

Feeling pain

It’s not the easiest thing in the world

So! I might be a bit harsh-y in saying this but I want to ask you to throw some personalization in there, dear. Are you feeling pain? Then say, "I'm feeling pain." Be specific in your writing dearie, so that the audience can relate and refer to you, and get a better feel of the emotions that float in your words.

Also! Do you want to use "It's" here? Because, to me, it's feeling like these first two lines are one sentence, and I personally think that if it is one sentence, you can say "Is" instead of "it's".


Moving on!

I think that this is a great piece of work. The only thing that I see that can use tweaking is the organization.

At first you're speaking very generalistic, dear. You're not talking about me, or you, or anybody or anything. You're just talking about pain, all out in the open.

Then! You're talking in the "You" form, using "you" as you go along.

Last! You go to "I", talking in the very personal sense.


I like all of this, and I don't.

I like it because you're referring to alot of people in a lot of other positions. You've covered pain for all of us in this, dear, and that's brilliant.

But, what I don't like is the same thing. I think it should be a little bit more personal to you. I think you should narrow it down to how it makes you feel, the toll it takes on you, and what it does to you.


Also! I'm not terribly fond of the usage of "I mean" and "like" throughout this. One of the coolest things about poetry is you can say something definitively even if you know that's not what it is or whatever.

When I feel pain, it’s so strong and heavy

Like I can’t breathe

You can write as if you're sure about this, dear. "I can't breathe," is more definitive.

By using statements that sound "sure" and sound like they cannot be contradicted, dear, you're bringing us into your world, through your words.


But, great work on this, Niah! I like the concept and the play on words.

Keep it up! Let me know if you need help or if I was too harsh on you, dear. ^^

Juniper

"It’s not the easiest thing in the world

You’ve been betrayed in a way

A way that makes you feel like you have no emotions"

that part in the beginning really spoke to me I loved it a great piece because what u juss wrote is exactly how i feel i absolutely posotutely love it hah that was cornywat i jus said ha im laffing at mi self okay i'll stop. but over all good poem godd show very good show just put more details

[quote="Monakeya"]"It’s not the easiest thing in the world

You’ve been betrayed in a way

A way that makes you feel like you have no emotions"

A very greatly detailed poem. I liked it a lot.

In the beginning, it doesn't really read like a poem. it reads more like a collection of sentences. But then you get into your similies and I can feel a bit of a rhythm and my eyes started moving along the lines faster. it got better as I read on.

On the second to last line, when you say 'NO MORE!' in big caps, and then go on to say 'pain', I'm not sure if it really works. You kind of finished the phrase, then continued it after it was over. Definitely don't use the caps, me thinkies.

xxx

I think it's pretty good.

not the fact that you got a pretty good taste of pain in order to write it, but the actual poem itself.

There is a definite steady rhythm that is easy to folow and flows very easily.

I think it's really good.

Keep on writing. You are really good at it. Much better than me.