Disrupted

The books go unread,
the drink half-empty.
The music up, all the way,
blaring ceaselessly as I stare
at the screen, still unsure
as to what I should say.
I’ve been out of touch, I admit,
and maybe that’s the problem,
or maybe it’s because
I can’t stop thinking about it.
Thinking about what you mean to me,
and what I can do to bring you back.

This was good. I liked the whole concept, and except for a few little things, pretty much perfect. First of all, the beginning of each line needs to be capitalized. Also, most of the time the flow was good, just at some points you had some words that sort of rhymed, and it kind of threw me off. I don't think it was intentional, and it may just be me. It only happened twice though, so it could just be me.

The music up, all the way, . . .

as to what I should say.

One other little nit-pick I have here is with the first line. There's technically nothing wrong with it, just personally I would get rid of the comma or rephrase it. It just seemed to be an awkward line to me.

I’ve been out of touch, I admit, . . .

I can’t stop thinking about it.

Other than my OCD-ish nit-picks, good job!

Krupp wrote:The books go unread,
the drink half-empty. to complete the parallel, you could make 'empty' a verb! "the drink goes half-emptied"?
The music up, all the way, i agree with above poster. you could delete this without effect.
blaring ceaselessly as I stare
at the screen, still unsure
as to what I should say.
I’ve been out of touch, I admit, i love this line. the "I admit" adds some nice stuff to it. =)
and maybe that’s the problem,
or maybe it’s because
I can’t stop thinking about it.
Thinking about what you mean to me,
and what I can do to bring you back.

I really like this poem. It's very honest and says a lot with very little. Kudos to you. =)
Perhaps the line breaks in the last five lines could get mixed up a bit? I love being surprised by a poet.

Impressions-

First read- I thought it was a little too bored. The first part was so reminiscent of people who write poetry because they are bored.

Second reading- I was getting into the groove. There seemed to even be some technical rhythm in the peice. The shift of thought pattern at the seventh line was great.

Third reading- It was sinking in. For a moment I was fooled into thinking it was great but then I came back to my original idea that it was a bored poem of a person who could do much much better. Disrupted takes on multiple meanings in this poem, but I can be certain of only the disruption of yourhabit of writing or disruption of contact with someone special. "out of touch" and "still unsure as to what I would say" also sound great.

But frankly, didn't like it. I'm sure you could do better. The last two lines were complete spoilers in poetic terms. Anyway, thanks for th read-

The Plant.

I believe I like it. I have to agree with some of the other posts. There were a couple spots that seemed a bit rough. The two lines mentioned in the first reply felt like they needed to be reworked a little.

As touching the feeling of boredom. As someone else mentioned, I do feel as if this poem was written while the writer was bored, however, I think that initially works to your advantage. That feeling definitely emphasizes the majority of the poem, though it breaks down in the last two lines I would say. All in all good work though.

I really liked this.. it seemed.. not quite raw, but real. Really real.

It seemed genuine and realistic, something that everyone can relate to, even if they haven't been in that particular position. I would think about changing the "it" towards the end into "you", but that is, just of course, my opinion. Overall, nice job. Simple images, but a depth to the simplicity. Great write.


-Coral-

I like these types of poems, they just seem to flow, they make me think for a while. I'm not as good when it simply comes to realistic poetry like this, so I actually somewhat envy this piece.

Even as simple as it seems, I can still feel the emotion it brings. it's something we all seem to relate to sooner or later-- the feeling of need, of carelessness, of confusion. please keep on writing.