An Uphill Battle

Ok, so this is for my creative writing class. It's not that great so it would help me a lot if you guys could give me a little feedback.

-There is always going to be an uphill battle
The sound of the train rumbling across the track echoed in the quiet night air. The darkness was overwhelming and Sophia Westfield wrapped her arms around her knees. She was waiting for him, as she had for the past ten days. He would come, as he always did. He would ravish her with apologies and make up for being late by giving her a soft kiss. Like clockwork Sophie heard nearby footsteps and the unmistakable heavy breathing of a man in a hurry. If she squinted her eyes she could barely make out his profile. The long, lean body clad in distressed jeans and the MU hoodie he was never without. She could never get enough of him, just thinking about his deep blue eyes and adorable dimples sent shivers running down her body. He approached her in complete ease; he always was in control of the situation and never looked out of place.
“I’m sorry I’m late” he said as he searched her face for some sort of acceptance of his apology.
“Aren’t you always sorry?” He looked stricken as the words flew out of her mouth.
“Soph, wh, what’s wrong?” He reached for her hand and she just stared up at him, her height not comparing to his towering figure. She let the memories swallow her, the memories she always sank into right before sleep took her. She relied on them to bring her comfort, to remind her she had at least one thing in the world to continue living for.


-She stood with her friends surrounding her, this was her escape.
Laughing along with them she glanced around the room, it was so
congested, so full of people that you could barely move. The air was clouded with smoke and shouts of the drunk fools who had nothing
better to do with their time. For Sophia, this was escape, an escape
from a home that was less than perfect, from a sister that was completely perfect, and a father who was…horrible. So, this ghastly environment was preferable to the one at home. Sophia glanced around the room searching for something, but at the same time nothing. The second he walked through the door she could feel him, feel his presence, feel his powerful gaze on her. She was drawn to him, and before she knew it she was walking towards him.
“Caden Walker,” that was all he said as he took her hand and led her out into the cloudless night. And she just followed like a love-sick little puppy. They sat together for a long while, exchanging dreams, life stories, secret fantasies, just talking so they wouldn’t have to separate. “meet me somewhere?” He asked her grabbing her hand as if he never wanted to let go.
“Where?”
“The train tracks east of town, tomorrow four hours after sunset.” Then the mysterious boy just got up and left. The bad thing was, that was the night Sophia’s heart was stolen.-


That was how Sophia had ended up here. The past ten days they met in secret, sometimes to just talk and share how their days had gone. Other nights were filled with passion, and neither of them could control it. “I’m sorry,” she apologized gazing into the captivating blue eyes. “My dad knows.” She let the tears fill her eyes and pulled back her bangs, revealing a bruise around her eye. Caden softly caressed the side of her face to reassure her that everything was going to be ok.
“He will never touch you again,” He promised grabbed her hand as they began to walk through the underbrush. “and we will be together forever.”
And that was the night two teenage lovers disappeared, taking with them their unspeakable bond and leaving an uncomplicated story of unconditional love.

Hmm...in all honesty, I thought this was fantastic. Really, one of the best short story romances I've read in a long time. Congrats! Here's the stuff I really struggled to find:

She could never get enough of him, just thinking about his deep blue eyes and adorable dimples sent shivers running down her body.

Not at all positive, but shouldn't the comma be some other form of punctuation? Like a semi-colon or hyphen?

he always was in control of the situation and never looked out of place.

I'd move 'was' before always. I kinda just skimmed right over it and had to re-read the sentence.

She stood with her friends surrounding her, this was her escape.
Laughing along with them she glanced around the room, it was so
congested, so full of people that you could barely move. The air was clouded with smoke and shouts of the drunk fools who had nothing
better to do with their time. For Sophia, this was escape, an escape
from a home that was less than perfect, from a sister that was completely perfect, and a father who was…horrible. So, this ghastly environment was preferable to the one at home. Sophia glanced around the room searching for something, but at the same time nothing. The second he walked through the door she could feel him, feel his presence, feel his powerful gaze on her. She was drawn to him, and before she knew it she was walking towards him.

Nothing at all really wrong with this part. I just thought you'd like to know that there's a lot of cut off sentences here for some reason or another. Did you mean for it to be like that or was it a mistake?

He promised grabbed her hand as they began to walk through the underbrush. “and we will be together forever.”

"He promised, grabbing her hand as they..."


And that's it. Once again, you did a wonderful job. Your diction and tone were perfect and very well written. I especially loved the last line. Hope this helped any

I have to say, this was really good, and though I'm not as gifted as most critics on YWS, I can say that I didn't see any glaring grammar errors. My special place is style and structure, and I was impressed by both. The only question I have is why the sentences that were in italics were broken into such unconvential paragraphs.

If this was done with a creative purpose, then I think you have a unique idea. However, if it was just an accident, please fix it.

And that was the night two teenage lovers disappeared, taking with them their unspeakable bond and leaving an uncomplicated story of unconditional love.

This line is a very simple and clear cut way of completing the story, which I know a lot of readers can appreciate in a story.


The only other suggestion is that you add more emotion to the story. There loves holds the empty "just is love" quality that I have always felt is found best Romeo and Juliet. Thats not always a bad thing, as I love Romeo and Juliet *points to signature* but I think that, at least in this story, more emotion wouldn't hurt. Also, knowing more about Soph's and her fathers relationship and Soph's and her sisters too wouldn't be a bad thing.

Anyway, I did definitely like this piece. *Gold Star*

I'm going to be really, really straight with you, so if you only like the kind of reviews that compliment and nitpick, hide!

There are things you can rush, that can still end up well. Things like trips to malls where you run into zombies and narrowly miss being bitten by gay vampires. Things like meeting a talking orange that insists you were his wife in your past life.

Love--is--not--one--of--those--things.

This story, for example. I'll sum it up for you real quick: a girl with an abusive father meets boy at party and they 'fall in love' right there. Girl runs off with boy a few days later. The end.

Really? I think we can all do better than that.

Like I said, I'm being - oh, man, I hate this word - frank with you. Your characters aren't at all developed, the dialogue is, consequently, flat, and there's hardly any description at all. I've written stories, shall we say, romance stories before. Ones a lot like this, except even more rambling and confusing and almost as plot-line-less as Twilight.

And they were boring. Suffocatingly, deadly, horribly, irreparably boring.

There's not much else to say. You don't have really any storyline, so I can't critique the structure, and you haven't any characters to speak of. I mean, this is an interesting idea, somewhat. The girl with a horrible home who runs away with a guy; but it's hard to keep it interesting, hard to make it interesting in the first place. Where are the bloodsucking rats and the bubonic plagues? Where is that dragon that likes to eat pink leggings, or those groups of people who run through book stores with plastic swords and scream, 'Reparation!'?

Sorry if I'm not making any sense. What I mean to say is, what are we supposed to like? We can't connect to the characters, we can't be interested in the plot-line, and we can't see ourselves, can't see anyone talking at all the way your Sophie and Caden do. If you want, you could remake this. Add some drama, add some spice to the dialogue and some reality to S & C. But right now, I can't say it affected me much.

I must be going! I hope to see a crazy fantasy with scrambled-egg stealing disembodied legs by you around soon!

Or something like that. ; )

-SELA