The Forgotten

This is my first posting on here. I hope you like it. It's just a little something I worked on. It's not terribly important to me but I still want everyone to be brutally honest. I will probably change the name of this in the future.

Prologue

He didn’t look anything like she expected.

Her mother had told her about the guy that was coming to train her but she had no idea he’d look like this. She’s expected some muscled drill sergeant who was too uptight to smile.

Here standing in front of her was the complete opposite.

He was at least 6 feet tall and pretty muscled under his T-shirt. He was wearing dark jeans that were just a little too tight for the style around here. His dark hair was falling messily to his shoulders and across his forehead. Probably from illegally riding his motorcycle without a helmet. He was standing in the driveway with a smile that put crinkles around his emerald green eyes and his arms stretched out in a Here-I-Am gesture.

She walked out the door to greet him.

He approached her with his hand out.

“Hello,” he said as she took his hand and shook it. “My name is Thomas Ford. I’m going to be your trainer for the next few weeks.”

“Great. I’m Emily Saunders,” she said shyly, even though he probably already knew her name.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you Ms. Saunders. I’m truly honored to have been chosen to be your trainer,” Thomas said with an air of someone addressing their queen.

“Please don’t talk like that Thomas. You are going to be living here and helping me. I don’t think I can take all the formalities. Why don’t you come inside and rest for a while? I hear you had a long journey over here.”

They both turned toward the family mansion that Emily was temporarily calling “home”. She was living in her own apartment in the city until her family found out the news. There was a fight coming among the shape shifters and this time, Emily was needed.

There’d been fights among the shape shifters for thousands of years. Some were petty disputes that had ended without bloodshed but there were others where people had been killed.

The ruling family right now was the Saunders. They’d been ruling for the past 400 years. Emily was the heir to the throne but the throne was soon to be challenged. Another family, just as old as the Saunders, was about to try to take over. The Tallis family. It was now Emily’s job to keep this from happening. Since she was the heir and it was her throne being defended, she had to lead the fight.

But before that day came, she had to learn how to fight and this tall, laid-back guy walking beside her was going to be her trainer.

“So can I get you anything?” she asked.

“I thought we weren’t going to do all the formalities,” he answered with a laugh.

Emily couldn’t help but laugh back.

“Right. Well. Let’s get you settled into your room.”

I love it!! You got such a good story on your hands here! Add her age, though, I think it's important since she's leading a fight and being heir to the throne and all. Nice descriptions, could use more near the end though. And it doesn't sound like a prologue, it sounds like the first chapter. I want to read more of it if you have more! No brutal bloodshed here, just plenty of compliments. It is awesome. I would definitly read it if it were in a bookstore. Way to go!

Hello!

Welcome to YWS!!!!!!!!!


This was a good idea, with the shape-shifters and all, but it didn't seem very prologue-ish to me. Perhaps make this the first chapter, and explain more about the shape-shifters and the fights in a new prologue. I don't know... To me prologues are mysterious, and not really like a filling, intro chapter. Like perhaps, something happened, or something big changed, or just a little history session.


Nitpicks!!!

Here standing in front of her was the complete opposite.

Comma after here.

pretty muscled under his T-shirt.

How can she see under his t-shirt? Plus you say she was expecting a "muscled" sergeant. Well, Tomas is still "muscled" so you might want to change that.

a Here-I-Am gesture.

Change it to :
a "here-I-am" gesture.

Since she was the heir and it was her throne being defended, she had to lead the fight.

If she is the heir, shouldn't they have been prepared for a fight and trained her when she was way younger? That's what heirs, usually do. Get trained from birth.

That's all with the nitpicks!!!!!

Onto the other stuff.


Description

I agree with Ofir. You need to add more description. About her mansion, the fights, etc... Adding imagery in this story would be good too. Like, how she feels when she meets him. Nervous, scared, confident? Or how she feels about the upcoming fight for the throne. Adding some dialogue tag emotion would help too. Plus, we don't even know anything about the MC (main character) except for her name. You should describe her more. Adding some metaphors, similes, all the literary stuff would help flesh this out.


Characters

Emily:
What is her personality like? Her looks, style, etc...
We really don't know much about her. In fact we know more about Thomas than her!
Since she is the MC (she is,right?) we should know more about her not Thomas.

Thomas:
Well, like a said, we know more about him than Emily. You hinted at his personality, a bit of an easygoing person, but you should add some more info over the chapters.


Overall!
Pretty good. I think just add more description, about Emily, flesh it out, and reread it to catch all the nitpicks it will be great! I'd give it a 7/10.


Hope this helps! Feel free to PM me if you have questions about this review or anything else.
Welcome to YWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
~Storm

Okay, first things fisrt. This is your best peice of writing Shella. It's better than the stroy you let me read in class and certainly more orignal. Thank God it's not another Twilight type novel going on. Anyway, on with the things I didn't like.

I agree with Storm. It didn't sound like a proplouge at all. I like how this 'trainer' still seems myterious and how you tlaked about this fued going on. Keep that but omit all the small talk and dialouge between the characters. Something like that. Just an idea.

I think that Storm also got most of your grammatical errors, but as you know, I'm not very good with spelling and grammar and all that jazz. (:

So, overall, I enjoyed it. It's seems original and that's hard to find now. Lately all you hear about is vampire stories that are just too closely related to Twilight. So kudos to you. I didn't like, however, that this just sounds...bland in some parts. This is wrote in third person limited and when you write in this perspective Emily's thoughts, emotions, and surroundings are crucial when you write this. Describe all of that. Give Emily some life. Right now, she just seems boring and that she dosen't really care. You could do so much with this.

By doing what everyone here has said, I believe you have a winner. (: I like this . Good job. I agree with Storm, I would give this a 7/10.

**I didn't mean to sound harsh. I still think you're a great writer, but I am a little more serious on the site than at school, so I will give a brutal, honest opinion. Oh and by the way, welcome to YMS **

Hello, I'm Mia and I will be reviewing this today.

Before I start, I wanted to tell you that your first sentence was great. It hooked me into the story and I wanted to know why this guy wasn't what you'd expected. These sort of sentences are great because they make your reader want to know more.

He was at least 6 feet tall and pretty muscled under his T-shirt.

'6' should be 'six'. Never write a number in number form, always in words.

He was standing in the driveway with a smile that put crinkles around his emerald green eyes and his arms stretched out in a Here-I-Am gesture.

Hmm, I'm not sure about 'crinkles' in this sentence. Maybe you should change it to wrinkles? Just my opinion here.

He approached her with his hand out.

This didn't make much sense to me, maybe you should change it to: 'with his hand stretched out.'

They’d been ruling for the past 400 years.

Change '400' to 'four hundred'.

Emily was the heir to the throne but the throne was soon to be challenged.

You said throne twice in this sentence, try replacing one with another word or rearranging the sentence to remove one. Or, another option is replacing the second throne with 'it'.

“I thought we weren’t going to do all the formalities,” he answered with a laugh.

You could replace 'he answered with a laugh' with 'he laughed'.

I've noticed you use the word 'said' alot in your caps. Try find another word like the one I pointed out above. This adds to the imagery and makes it all the more descriptive. ^_^


Characters
Hmm, didn't really get to know your Main character here. This could be because this is a prologue and it's too early in the story to know much about her. But I still think you should try give more hints as to her character and her personality.
I've also noticed that Emily might have something for her trainer? Even if they have just met? Expand on this more, does she think he's handsome? Is she suddenly really looking forward to training if he is the trainer? Or is she very shy around him? Things like this also show more of Emily's character.

Descriptions
I think these could do with a bit of work. Also, I noticed you tell alot and you don't show much. Showing is where you tell the reader some information, through the character's actions, feelings... even dialogue! For example, instead of simply saying: 'John was angry'. You could describe how you know John is angry. Is it what he's doing? His facial expression? Something he said?
Telling:
John was angry.

Showing:
John stomped into the room with a scowl on his face. He hit his desk with a closed fist before turning to yell at his cat.
(Slightly over exagerated example, but you get the point.)

Plot
This interested me. Especially when you mentioned the shape shifting. Do they shift into animals? Do they each have a specific form they can shift into? Also, why is their all this fighting over who's got the throne? Is there a way to stop the war?
Leaving me with questions is good, because I'll want to read the next part to see if it holds an answer.

Keep up the awesome work.
PM me when the next part is up/ if you need any other reviews/ if you have any questions.

xxmimixx

Hiyas! I'm Saphire!

This was great! I was totally hooked and I'm really eager to read more.

I see that everyone else got to the editing part, so I'll just give my take on the characters, plot, and so on...

Characters: I felt that the characters could have been developed just a little bit more. I don't feel like I know too much Emily, even though she's the main character. If you could add just a bit more about her in there, I'm sure this would be much better.

Description: This needs a little bit of work, but almost everyone else had told you how to fix it. I'm sure if you're able to add more description, this piece will be ten times better. And it's already good, so then it'd be like... super awesome.

Overall: This was really good and I think with just a little bit of work, it can be that much better! Good job and good luck with future works!

@;~ Saph

P.S. Oh, and please PM me when the next installment is posted! I can't wait to find out more about Emily's world!

hey!
this looks like a great story in the making-please PM me when you post more on!

i love your discription of the trianer:

"He was at least 6 feet tall and pretty muscled under his T-shirt. He was wearing dark jeans that were just a little too tight for the style around here. His dark hair was falling messily to his shoulders and across his forehead. Probably from illegally riding his motorcycle without a helmet. He was standing in the driveway with a smile that put crinkles around his emerald green eyes and his arms stretched out in a Here-I-Am gesture. "

but i would of liked to find out more about Emily and definatly add more discriptions of the places and the emotions! by the way when is the story set?

i like the title "The Forgotten" because I already want to read more!

keep me posted!

dancingclouds

nice, pretty good on making your story well...more original like using the word shapeshifters instead of werewolfs or something... I really like it and can't wait to read your story....But I wish I got to know more about the main charcter i am clueless on what kind of person or creature or who she rlly is...but then again it is only the prologue.

Unlike all these other people I only have one thing to say about this.

G-E-N-I-O-U-S

Thank you all so much for the honest reviews. Originally, I was just going to post this on here and see how people like it. If they didn't, I was just going to drop it. But since you say it's decent and interesting enough to continue, I will certainly get started on the next part. It will be posted as soon as possible. I'll try not to keep you waiting too long.

Also, just to clear things up, I'm sorry about this not seeming like a real prologue. I hope that when I post the next part, everyone will understand why i made this the prologue.

Well lets see here,
Try not to 'enter and tab' when you do actions.
Your plot,
you need to figure out when it is and what kind of kingdom
Is it in the future and then is it kind of a fantasy?
Or is it current time or past and its an actual throne deal. Like in England?
Otherwise I think your story is fine
Keep writing for real!

Hi brainchic212!! I'm going to review your work today. XD

He was wearing dark jeans that were just a little too tight for the style around here

He wore dark jeans that were just...

Passivity is the enemy of prose. It slows everything down.

His dark hair was falling messily to his shoulders and across his forehead

His messy dark hair fell across his forehead and down to his shoulders.

Again, passivity. You can reword it any way you like, just get rid of the was.

He was standing in the driveway with a smile that put crinkles around his emerald green eyes and his arms stretched out in a Here-I-Am gesture.

He stood...

There’d been fights among the shape shifters for thousands of years. Some were petty disputes that had ended without bloodshed but there were others where people had been killed.

The ruling family right now was the Saunders. They’d been ruling for the past 400 years. Emily was the heir to the throne but the throne was soon to be challenged. Another family, just as old as the Saunders, was about to try to take over. The Tallis family. It was now Emily’s job to keep this from happening. Since she was the heir and it was her throne being defended, she had to lead the fight.

Whoa infodump! Try to work it into your story bit by bit. Infodumps scare people away (most especially agents and editors if you're trying to get published.)

Break it up into pieces, insert one here, tuck one into another part of your story, let it slip there...You get the gist.



Apart from that, PM ME WHEN YOU POST THE NEXT ONE.

Please? I want to read more.

Please don't forget. I wanna read more about Thomas. And Emily. ^^

Prologue

He didn’t look anything like she expected. great begining!

Her mother had told her about the guy that was coming to train her but she had no idea he’d look like this. She’s expected some muscled drill sergeant who was too uptight to smile.

Here standing in front of her was the complete opposite. same with this line!

He was at least 6 spell six out feet tall and pretty any better words? muscled under his T-shirt. He was wearing dark jeans that were just a little too tight for the style around here. His dark hair was falling messily to his shoulders and across his forehead. Probably from illegally riding his motorcycle without a helmet. He was standing in the driveway with a smile that put crinkles around his emerald green eyes and his arms stretched out in a H lower case ere-I-Am gesture.

She walked out the door to greet him.

He approached her with his hand out.

“Hello,” he said as she took his hand and shook it. “My name is Thomas Ford. I’m going to be your trainer for the next few weeks.”

“Great. I’m Emily Saunders,” she said shyly, even though he probably already knew her name.

“It’s so nice to finally meet you Ms. Saunders. I’m truly honored to have been chosen to be your trainer,” Thomas said with an air of someone addressing their queen.

“Please don’t talk like that Thomas. You are going to be living here and helping me. I don’t think I can take all the formalities. Why don’t you come inside and rest for a while? I hear you had a long journey over here.” Im confuzled! I wouldn't call him Thomas i would ask first. Why is she saying this? It's not her house.

They both turned toward the family mansion that Emily was temporarily calling “home”. She was living in her own apartment in the city until her family found out the news. There was a fight coming among the shape shifters and this time, Emily was needed.

There’d been fights among the shape shifters for thousands of years. Some were petty disputes that had ended without bloodshed but there were others where people had been killed.

The ruling family right now was the Saunders. They’d been ruling for the past 400 years. Emily was the heir to the throne but the throne was soon to be challenged. Another family, just as old as the Saunders, was about to try to take over. The Tallis family. It was now Emily’s job to keep this from happening. Since she was the heir and it was her throne being defended, she had to lead the fight.

But before that day came, she had to learn how to fight and this tall, laid-back guy walking beside her was going to be her trainer.

“So can I get you anything?” she asked.

“I thought we weren’t going to do all the formalities,” he answered with a laugh.

Emily couldn’t help but laugh back.

“Right. Well. Let’s get you settled into your room.”[/quote]

Prologue

He didn’t look anything like she expected. great begining!


Here standing in front of her was the complete opposite. same with this line!

He was at least 6 spell six out feet tall and pretty any better words? muscled under his T-shirt. He was wearing dark jeans that were just a little too tight for the style around here. His dark hair was falling messily to his shoulders and across his forehead. Probably from illegally riding his motorcycle without a helmet. He was standing in the driveway with a smile that put crinkles around his emerald green eyes and his arms stretched out in a H lower case ere-I-Am gesture.

“Please don’t talk like that Thomas. You are going to be living here and helping me. I don’t think I can take all the formalities. Why don’t you come inside and rest for a while? I hear you had a long journey over here.” Im confuzled! I wouldn't call him Thomas i would ask first. Why is she saying this? It's not her house.

There was a fight coming among the shape shifters and this time, Emily was needed. Coolio!

There’d been fights among the shape shifters for thousands of years. Some were petty disputes that had ended without bloodshed but there were others where people had been killed. Again coolio!

It was nice but the surrounding needs to be talked about like...a cool breeze blew through his hair or something like that, Something that can really make a person want to read on. Other than that it was good I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up.