Shall I compare thee to a summers day?

Shall I compare thee to a summers day?
Or not - because you are like a thunderstorm:
Moody as bruised clouds that are swollen, grey;
Unpredictable as lightning which forks
men, and human kind, in a callous rage,

striking the innocent, war waging ‘gainst
rhyme and reason, letting emotions
be your earthly dice. For a price,
you clear, and the bruised clouds blanch white
and fly away like moon starlings to the night.
A red sun breaks, the water glimmers,
and kindles with passion in the firelight.

A storm, a Venus to all the earth (and me)
You nourish all with your immortal beauty.




-- Written for a loved one.

Dam, this is amazingly beautiful, I loved the way you composed it, the rythm and the ryhm, also the words, very well done! Gold star! I don't really know what to crit you on because I loved it so much, short and sweet.

I also like that the plot changes in the end in anyway

High Five!

Wow. From the moment I read this, I was immediately struck dumb. I couldn't find any fault with it. The imagery and description were really wonderful. It also flowed really well.

I'm definitely looking forward to more of your work.
Keep it up, and keep writing! ^^

Hey! I'm Peanut- I don't think I have ever critiqued you before! Well, there is a first time for everything

Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 4:11 am Post subject: Shall I compare thee to a summers day?
Shall I compare thee to a summers day?

You might want to think of your own original title; I thought you were just posting a shakespearean sonnet for the fun of it
Though, I would not change the first line. It makes the next line funny

striking the innocent, war waging ‘gainst
rhyme and reason, letting emotions
be your earthly dice. For a price,
you clear, and the bruised clouds blanch white

The line breaks in this are... questionable. Yeah. Questionable. I would try experimenting on them a little more.

A storm, a Venus to all the earth (and me)
You nourish all with your immortal beauty.




-- Written for a loved one.

Perfect! I would not change this one bit It is so sweet, and touching. I love your use of another planet; absolutely awesome imagery and wording... you almost made me cry

Thanks for the feedback guys. Glad you thought it was beautiful.

I really, really like this. The imagery is great, and I love the initial play off Shakespeare. My favorite lines parts are

bruised clouds blanch white
and fly away like moon starlings to the night.

and

earthly dice

.

Some little things you might consider changing:

'gainst to against -- the apostrophe makes it sound kind of fake, falsely archaic, if you know what I mean. And the meter is allowed to have a few small breaks here and there without affecting its claim to blank verse.

"war waging" to "waging war" -- flows more naturally, and there's no reason not to.

"men, and human kind," -- I'm not wild about that, seems like it's a little too close to repetition

"A storm, a Venus to all the earth (and me)
You nourish all with your immortal beauty. " -- You've got some really fantastic rhymes all throughout the poem, part of what gives it its terrific movement and flow. I don't think this is one of them, though, and since you're ending with it, it's kind of important.

I think this poem is stunningly beautiful, very powerful and conveying. Thanks for a good read!

Really amazing piece of writing. The starting was startling, but the poem overall was really good.
And "-- Written for a loved one." thats really sweet.
Three cheers for you.
Really like the ending,

"A storm, a Venus to all the earth (and me)
You nourish all with your immortal beauty."

Great words to express your feelings.

Again, the feedback appreciated. I know what you mean about the final couplet - it doesn't seem to flow. I'll play about with this one.

Absolutely lovely. I loved your beginning. Quite a play on Shakespeare. Great rhythm, beautiful word usage. All your words are so vivid. They're captivating. All in all, amazing.

Keep writing.

--Knightly

Beautiful. I love how you seem to lead us into this trite love poem and then smash it, bitterly. Such rich, bruised, harsh imagery - such hate, such hurt. You get this image of a cruel storm, standing in the rain, seething.

I like how you emulated the 'old style' wthout being flouncy or over the top or, you know, tart. It's rich, it's fluid, deep.

Not so sure about the penultimate line, however. It seems to kind of fall flat compared to the rest of it, though I love the last line - how it contradicts. How you love her despite her rage from the middle of the second stanza, how the rich imagery clears, the feeling, this sudden relief of a storm clearing, not perfect, no, but for its imperfection, wondeful.

needless to say I really feel this and honestly can't see much wrong with it at all, it's... powerful. Wonderful.

Hi there,

This poem was beautiful.. I loved the twist from the opening lines. I started reading it, the first line, and inwardly went "Really?" and then continued on, and was enthralled.

The imagery was fantastic- I absolutely fell into the description when reading this. The last line didn't hit super powerfully, or at least, wasn't as hard hitting as the rest of the poem. Perhaps that was simply a personal thing. Otherwise, I'd say that this piece is pretty flawless. Great write.

-Coral-

Lovely!
I honestly have no advice, haha. This was beautiful. I loved the twist, the vocabulary, the imagery. You are a great writer, never stop.