There's This Girl

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Hey! Hey you, person with the face. You new here? Good, I'm your welcome wagon. Wait! Come back, give me a chance will ya? Thanks. So where should I start? Oh yeah.

Clayton High. Home of the roaring Roosters. Where everyone is defined by money, power, looks...sexuality? Evil inbreeds in these hallways of ignorance and torture. Torture may seem a bit harsh, but hey, this is high school after all.

Let's take a walk down the hallway, turn left at the end of the lockers. It'll take you straight to a study hall. You see that girl with the frizzy brown hair, square rimmed glasses and the orange sweater that totally doesn't go with her skin tone. Reading War And Peace for the seventh time. You see her?

Yeah, that's me.

I'm Allison Erica Courts. Sophomore at Hell High...I mean Clayton. Resident geek, for the win. Or loss, whichever you prefer. I'm sixteen, never been kissed. Shock, no? I'm totally against anything 'cool'. Who wants to be popular anyways.

Me. Duh.

Oh wait, stand back. Don't be seen. There, you see the blond lurking around. That's Abbie Dane. In her world, she's the shiz. In mine, she's Satan. She's gotten everything she's ever wanted. Money, she's swimming in it. Popularity, anyone will bow down and kiss her, presumably fake, designer shoes. And the most important feature to have here in Hell, Looks. As much as I hate saying this, she's beautiful. Her ivory skin always flawless. Her perfect facial feature. Perfect blond hair. If I was a lesbian, I'd totally do her.

Don't tell anyone I said that. If you do, I'll kill you. Correction. I will destroy you. Not really, only a popular can do that. And as you can tell by the group of people laughing as Abbie spills a bottle of water over my head. That's not me.

Look, I'm getting up. Go, follow me! Wait! This is a girls locker room, you're not a dude are you? Ugh, whatever. Just follow me.There's Alicia, she's my best friend. And Jason?

“Jase! What are you doing in here?” I ask.

“Don't freak Alli, we're all ladies here,” he says.

“Abbie?” Alicia asks.

I nod, pulling off my wet sweater.

Watch me as I try to open my gym locker. Watch me not get my combination right. Again. I'm cursed, by the way. Social awkwardness and the tendency to make myself look like a dumb ass are part of some deal that I never agreed to.

“Here, let me,” Alicia says, turning my lock and pulling it open with ease.

Sometimes, I wish I could be as smooth as her. But me? I'm rougher than sandpaper and gravel, put together.

“Thanks,” I mumble as I pull out my extra set of clothes that I always keep with me.

Aquafina showers happen more often than you'd think. If I've been marking them down right, it happens every other Tuesday and every Friday.

“Allison, honey. Have you ever thought of examining a color pallet? Neon just doesn't suit you,” Jason tells me, “When will you learn?”

“Better question is what are you two doing in the girls locker room,”

“Skipping last period period,” Alicia replies.

I should probably introduce you to these two.

Alicia Burton and Jason Montgomery. Best friends and life savers.

Alicia, rebel extraordinaire. The Asian beauty of the trio. She could so be a popular if she wanted to. She's fit for the position. She's pretty, smart, funny and way kick ass. But she's all, 'Being popular is a sign of weakness to the Man'.

I don't know who the Man is, so we'll just let it slide. Turning our attention to the guy in the girls locker room now.

He's Jason. Hilarious, stylish, and a heart breaker. How? He's gay. Seeing as Hell is homophobic, he's not a popular. But Jason here doesn't give a shit. Doesn't matter because any guy would be lucky to date him. I mean, he's a god. A Roman one, with the muscles and everything.

How are they lifesavers?

Well, they hang out with me. They could totally do better socially if they dumped me. But nope. They protect me. And I love them for it.

I pull on my new clothes, consisting of jeans Alicia bought me for my birthday. Skinny jeans. There just a big no in my book. But its what I got now. Tying my over sized AFI shirt in the back, pulling my damp hair into a ponytail. I dry my glasses with my shirt before slipping them back on.

“I thought your parents got you contacts, why don't you use them?” Alicia asks.

“Because, they hurt my eyes,” I complain.

“But Allison, you have the prettiest brown eyes ever, and your hiding them,” Jason point outs.

“Whatever, we're going to get in trouble for not being in class, can we just go?” I ask, “I wanna go home and just...I don't know,”

Jason walks over to the door and holds it open. Cause he's a gentleman that way.

“After you milady,” he drawls outs.

“Thanks Jase,” I say.

“No problem,” he pipes, catching up with us as we made our ways down the hallway, “So anyways, there's this party tomorrow, you girls wanna go?”

“Parties. Jason, I love you, but I hate parties. Can't we just watch movies at my house?” I ask.

“Oh, like we did last week...and the Saturday before that, and the one previous to that?” Alicia laughs.

Watch me walk into an opening door. See Jason say “Look out!” Look as I still walk into the door and land on my ass.

“Whoa, hey. I'm sorry,”

I look up to see an olive toned hand reaching down at me. I follow it up with my eyes and see Shane Bell.

Shane Bell, moved here from California. His first week just ended today. He's the rocker ever girl, and Jason, wants to rock. If you know what I mean. But he's totally clean. I get up from the floor, dusting myself off.

“Sorry,” Shane repeats.

“It's okay,” I mumble.

“Sorry...erm...I'm sorry,”

“You already said that,”

Before Stutter here can spill out another sorry, the bell rings. I look back at Shane as I am being escorted away by Jason. He stood there, frozen on the spot. Until we locked eyes, Shane quickly averted his gaze and scurried away.

Fuck, and we all know why.

The final bell rung. Signaling the end of school and the start of weekend. Finally.

“Need a ride home?” Jason asks us.

“Beats walking home,” Alicia answers and I just nod.

“I call shotgun!” I exclaim.

As for you. Sorry dude, there's no room for you in the car. But see you tomorrow maybe? Cool, bye.
Last edited by MariaBernal on Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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I'll start with the good and finish with the bad. (But there really is a lot more good than bad! :D )

I really like the narrator-she is instantly likable. She's imperfect and unashamed, and it's really engaging and fun to read-the narrator oozes attitude. And I just loved the sentence "you with the face". So funny. I also like the fact that there's a gay character, and he's openly and candidly stated to be gay. A lot of character and personality is conveyed in creative and interesting ways.

The sentence "Evil inbreeds in these hallways of ignorance and torture" doesn't really make sense. I would say "breeds" instead of "inbreeds" and find a weaker word than "evil". Also, the narrator seems a little too snarky, maybe too spunky and sassy and confident. Later on in the story, she needs to show some vulnerability, some weakness in order to be relatable.

Overall, this is a funny, engaging and unique beginning. Keep up the good work!




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Terrific. There is no other word for it. The narrator has a character that I can relate to. there is a sense of humour in the story whhich is simply great. the other characters, her best friends are very cool. what you do need to check on is the simple mistakes like:

'There just a big no in my book.'

don't you mean 'they are just a big no in my book.'

Good work and I can't wait to read more!
somebody told me am the sweetest thing wrapped up in the bitterest, still testing the truth in this!




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Hey there! :D
I'll just point out one mistake that caught my eye:
"He's the rocker ever girl, and Jason, wants to rock."
It should be 'every' girl.

I really enjoyed this story!
This style of writing is brillinat and you carried it out well.
I found it better to read it aloud for some reason XD
Anyway, I liked that you allowed your readers to 'interact' with the MC,
As if we're a tourist and she's showing us around.
It really conveys a typical teenager scenario,
And you didn't go overboard on the description, which is good,
Since she's talking to us, there's no need to sound so fancy XD

I believe this is worthy of a gold star! :D
~Have a great day!
Meep(:
~Liverpool F.C Supporter~
"You'll never walk alone"




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Hello.

First off, I just wanted to say that I love this story!
I like the way the narrartor interacts with the audience.
I love the main character. I see a little of myself in her and that always makes me want to read a story :]

I like how you made Jason, gay, too! Its so funny, and I expect some comedic relief coming from him.

This story has been done before, and it will be done again, but I am expecting that you will put your own twist on it?

Maybe?

:]

Oh, and it might just be me, but I dont understand this

"Before Stutter here can spill out another sorry, the bell rings. I look back at Shane as I am being escorted away by Jason. He stood there, frozen on the spot. Until we locked eyes, Shane quickly averted his gaze and scurried away.

Fuck, and we all know why. "

I don't really understand "why" exactly. I got some idea, but be a little more clear.

Also, wouldn't you call him stutterer, not just stutter?

Well, yeah. Loved your story! can't wait to read more
A word is not the same with one writer as with another. One tears it from his guts. The other pulls it out of his overcoat pocket. ~Charles Peguy




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@Meep Yeah I noticed the Y missing at the end of "ever" also. And there were a couple other words that had missing letters, but I cant seem to find them at the moment.

"Shane Bell, moved here from California. His first week just ended today. He's the rocker ever girl, and Jason, wants to rock. If you know what I mean."


By far my favorite line in any teen drama. EVER! haha, I love this character, such sharp humor. Hurry and post more please?




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Its well written, and likable. Even for some, who find ourselves fitting in, its worth reading. I do advise writing more, as I think you could make a pretty long, and good story out of it.

Especially since its something, besides the actual popular kids, can probably relate to.
Why does believe have the word lie in it?

*like the line in my dp? Check out my one poem: "In Repair". I made the dp to match the poem.




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Hey =]

I love the way you wrote this. It's a great way to make the reader feel more involved in the story.

Your MC seems pretty relatable as most of us know what it's like having someone popular steal all of the limelight.

I'd love for you to write more as I think you have an interesting concept for a story here.

Sorry for the unhelpful review, but I don't really have anything bad to say about it.

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.




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I really liked this

I feel like I'm involved in the story and I really do like your main character.

I did notice though that there were a few letters missing in some of the words. I can't remember where exactly but I know there were some. I do remember though that you forgot to put the y on the end of the word every, which many other people have noticed!

Like many other people have said, I can definitely relate to your main character very well which is something I love when I'm reading a story.

I also like your story becuase it is rather comical. There aren't many comical stories on this sight so that's good! I like writing comedy pieces as well and have lots that I have written on the site.

Overall I can't point out many bad things about this piece at all. Probably because it's so good! I love your writing style and technique! You've created some funny, interesting and extremely likeable characters.

I hope that you write some more!

Keep writing!

Meg x-x
I didn't know what to put here so I put this.




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Everything seems to be said but I just wanted to say I absolutely positively love the style of this story. It's different and refreshing and was fun to read. I loved your characters and how your main described her school life.

You rock.

Keep Writing!
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The way you make it feel like a first person camera almost is amazing. Its all been said up there ^ but I love this!
Is this bass REALLY strong enough?




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okay, that was pretty good. at first, i thought it was a little strange that you were like acting like the reader was actually with you, but now i actually like it. its a pretty cool technique. i also like how you gave good descriptions of the characters. and the dialogue was great i could kinda tell jason was gay before you said it. awesome job!
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Ohhh, I loved this!! All mistakes have already been pointed out. I really felt involved in the story, and you used my favorite name! Shane, God I love that name. Anyways, the characters were easily relatable, which is good. If you add more please PM me. Great job, gold star.
"Can't stop, won't stop. I must be dreaming."



“I am not worried, Harry," said Dumbledore, his voice a little stronger despite the freezing water. "I am with you.”
— Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince