Saved (part 2)

***Okay, so I wrote Saved, orignally as a short story, but so many of my comments told me to continue it. That made me feel good and your reveiw were so amazing, that I said 'I'll do it!' Just let me know what you think so far and if yo hate it, we'll just forget it and go back to the short story version. By the way, the writing is not the best, because I wrote this in ten minutes. Yeah, I know I shouldn't post it and shold try to perfect it, but this is only to see what you think and if I should continue this. I'm siked to hear what you think. Be brutal, as always lol!

(Please read Saved first, if you haven't already! This is part 2)


Ian

I sat in the very back row of the church. It had only been days since I last saw Kali. I tried to block that memory from my mind. I still felt the grief, guilt, and sorrow. It had taken over my life now.
I thought about all the times I fantasized over kissing her. Telling her how much I cared for her and hearing her tell me the same. Now, I’ll never get the chance. It’s my own fault. I killed her. I made her come into the water with me. I had promised to protect her and the last thing she remembered about me was that I was a liar.
I cried for the hundredth time. Her mother and father were standing over her body in the casket, weeping, just as I was. They, of course, didn’t blame me, but her sister did.
She was only a year younger than Kali and I, but even at thirteen she was a smart girl. Breanne glared at me. I stared back. She had the same intense brown eyes as Kali, although now Breanne had red encircling hers. She, too, had cried a lot.
I remembered back to the day I carried Kali’s body to her home. I could almost feel the cuts on her skin from those rocks. I explained to them what had happened and left before I joined them while they wept. That was the day stopped living. I hated life, I didn’t want it anymore, it had taken away my joy.
I remembered when Breanne had whispered those harsh, truthful words in my ear. She called me a murderer. I knew she was right, but it still caused my chest to ache. I felt it shake, like my heart was about to shrivel up and die, because it couldn’t take anymore sadness.
I walked up to the casket after everyone had dispersed. Her eyes were closed. She looked as if she was sleeping, and my heart lurched. Maybe she’s only asleep, I thought in a moment of madness. I couldn’t take much more of this. I needed to leave before my heart broke beyond repair.
I stared at those beautiful cherry-red lips, remembering when she had placed them on mine. That was the sweetest memory I’d ever had. We were only five at the time, but it was still the best thing that ever happened to me. I had liked her even then.
Kali’s light brown hair was placed in an elegant up do. She was dressed in a flowing light pink, flowery number. I almost smiled. She would have hated it. She was never into things other girls were.
“Are you done?” a girl hissed in my ear. “I’m surprised you’re even here. I could have sworn you never really cared about my sister.”
“I cared about her a lot,” I said. “She was an amazing person.”
“Apparently not that amazing,” Breanne replied through gritted teeth. She reminded me so much of Kali. She had the same nose, mouth, eyes, everything, except her hair. It was much longer, to the middle of her back, curly, and strawberry blonde. It shown in the sun, enhancing the rich, light red color.
“She was,” I said, looking at the floor. “I was just an idiot.”
“I disagree. You’re still are an idiot,” she smiled, a hateful look on her face. I nodded my head and walked away.
“Wait, I’m not finished,” she said, grabbing my hand. I turned around, looking at the wooden cross ahead of me. I couldn’t bear to look in those angry, betrayed eyes. They reminded me too much of Kali. “Look at me,” she said.
I sighed and obeyed. She stared at me, almost as if peering into my soul. My chest split in two. Memories of Kali filled my entire mind. I had to leave.
“I’m sorry, you’ll have to question me later,” I whispered hoarsely.
I ran. I ran from the church. I ran from Breanne. I ran from my memories. I ran for my sanity. I had to face the facts. Kali was dead and she was never coming back. Not only did I kill her, I killed my only chance of happiness, and Breanne was never going to let me forget that.

Hi again This was even sadder than the one before! I can't believe you managed this in ten minutes though Its really well written!

It had only been days since I last saw Kali. I tried to block that memory from my mind.

I'd maybe add more to 'that memory'- like 'I tried to block the memory of her last moments from my mind' or something referring to that point

I thought about all the times I fantasized over kissing her. Telling her how much I cared for her and hearing her tell me the same.

I think this might sound better with 'had' before 'fantasized'. I'd maybe add something like 'About' before telling and perhaps add 'back' after same?

I cried for the hundredth time.

I think it might be more effective to say something other than cried- like talking about the tears slipping down his cheeks or something like that so there is more imagery.

I remembered back to the day I carried Kali’s body to her home.

I'd maybe add 'had' after 'I' or change it to 'I'd'.

I could almost feel the cuts on her skin from those rocks. I explained to them what had happened and left before I joined them while they wept. That was the day stopped living.

I'd maybe have 'As I held her' at the beginning of the sentence and instead of 'those' 'the' as you have not talked about them before now in this piece. I didn't really understand the second sentence, I think you could explain it more. When did he join them? You say he left then came back and I'm not sure why, I'd either just have him staying there with them or leaving to return home. I think you could work on this part a bit. I think you need 'I' before 'stopped' here too

Maybe she’s only asleep, I thought in a moment of madness.

I think the thought might read better in italics- just an idea though

Kali’s light brown hair was placed in an elegant up do.

I'd maybe say something other then 'placed'- maybe something like 'pulled back' or 'pinned back' or something like that.

“I cared about her a lot,” I said. “She was an amazing person.”

I think you could add a bit more emotion here, perhaps replacing 'said' with something more specific as to how he is talking.

It shown in the sun,

I think 'shown' should be 'shone' here

You’re still are an idiot,” she smiled, a hateful look on her face. I nodded my head and walked away.

You either need to leave out 'are' or the ''re' on the end of 'you' as otherwise you are just repeating 'are' I think it might be better here to describe how it was hateful- maybe something about her eyes, so there is more of an image in the readers mind of what she looks like. I think it might be better to change the last sentence here a bit as it sounds like he has already walked away but he hasn't as she grabs hold of him in the next part, maybe instead saying something like 'I turned to walk away' or 'I tried to step around her' would make more sense.

I turned around, looking at the wooden cross ahead of me. I couldn’t bear to look in those angry, betrayed eyes.

you repeat 'look' a few times in this piece but they are all spread out so it sounds fine- I think here I would change one of them though, The first one could be 'focusing' or something like that or the second one could be 'I couldn't bear to meet those' Generally I think look can be replaced with more expressive words but its every ones own preference and sometimes it works really well.

Overall: This is a brilliant second part, I'm glad you did continue! Like I said, it was really well written and you must really have talent if you can write this in ten minutes!!

I think you could add more to when he is taking her home. I would think that somebody would have called an ambulance- even if he is pretty sure she is dead, people who have drowned can sometimes be brought back. I think it might be more realistic if he ran back to her parents in a panic, shouting and things like that. I think in general it might be good to hear more on what happened then, I like how you have skipped to the funeral but some filling in would make the transition of time smoother in my opinion.

I'm interested as to how you will continue from here, its great so far!! All my comments are just suggestions, Hope I've helped *star*

Thanks a lot. I thought that this was about to be torn to shreds ha ha. I can do better than this, but I'm siked to continue. Unfortunately, I have school and I left my laptop charger at home (I'm at my Aunt's house for spring break). Anyway I will definetly PM you when I get the next part up. You've really helped me a lot for this story. I hope you continue to follow it.

~Tiger

Ian

I sat in the very back row of the church. It had only been days since I last saw Kali. I tried to block that memory from my mind. I still felt the grief, guilt, and sorrow. It had taken over my life now.

I thought about all the times I fantasized over kissing her. Telling her how much I cared for her and hearing her tell me the same. Now, I’ll never get the chance. It’s my own fault. I killed her. I made her come into the water with me. I had promised to protect her and the last thing she remembered about me was that I was a liar.

I cried for the hundredth time. Her mother and father were standing over her body in the casket, weeping, just as I was. They, of course, didn’t blame me, but her sister did.

She was only a year younger than Kali and I, but even at thirteen she was a smart girl. Breanne glared at me. I stared back. She had the same intense brown eyes as Kali, although now Breanne had red encircling hers. She, too, had cried a lot.

I remembered back to the day I carried Kali’s body to her home. I could almost feel the cuts on her skin from those rocks. I explained to them what had happened and left before I joined them while they wept. That was the day stopped living. I hated life, I didn’t want it anymore, it had taken away my joy.

I remembered when Breanne had whispered those harsh, truthful words in my ear. She called me a murderer. I knew she was right, but it still caused my chest to ache. I felt it shake, like my heart was about to shrivel up and die, because it couldn’t take anymore sadness.

I walked up to the casket after everyone had dispersed. Her eyes were closed. She looked as if she was sleeping, and my heart lurched. Maybe she’s only asleep, I thought in a moment of madness. I couldn’t take much more of this. I needed to leave before my heart broke beyond repair.

I stared at those beautiful cherry-red lips, remembering when she had placed them on mine. That was the sweetest memory I’d ever had. We were only five at the time, but it was still the best thing that ever happened to me. I had liked her even then.

Kali’s light brown hair was placed in an elegant up do. She was dressed in a flowing light pink, flowery number. I almost smiled. She would have hated it. She was never into things other girls were.

“Are you done?” a girl hissed in my ear. “I’m surprised you’re even here. I could have sworn you never really cared about my sister.”

“I cared about her a lot,” I said. “She was an amazing person.”

“Apparently not that amazing,” Breanne replied through gritted teeth. She reminded me so much of Kali. She had the same nose, mouth, eyes, everything, except her hair. It was much longer, to the middle of her back, curly, and strawberry blonde. It shown in the sun, enhancing the rich, light red color.

“She was,” I said, looking at the floor. “I was just an idiot.”

“I disagree. You’re still are an idiot,” she smiled, a hateful look on her face. I nodded my head and walked away.

“Wait, I’m not finished,” she said, grabbing my hand. I turned around, looking at the wooden cross ahead of me. I couldn’t bear to look in those angry, betrayed eyes. They reminded me too much of Kali. “Look at me,” she said.

I sighed and obeyed. She stared at me, almost as if peering into my soul. My chest split in two. Memories of Kali filled my entire mind. I had to leave.

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to question me later,” I whispered hoarsely.

I ran. I ran from the church. I ran from Breanne. I ran from my memories. I ran for my sanity. I had to face the facts. Kali was dead and she was never coming back. Not only did I kill her, I killed my only chance of happiness, and Breanne was never going to let me forget that.

You did a really good job - with the emotion, I mean. The way he reacts, the way Breanne reacts, and so on. But I was thinking - I nodded my head and walked away sounds... I dunno, odd. Would he react like that? Why doesn't he SAY anything then? And is that, that agreeing thing, what a guy badgered by his dead 'love's little sister would do?

I don't feel I'm making much sense; it must be the lateness. Just... I like it, and the emotion does feel real - but then sometimes, like there, you jog us out of the story with things that don't feel - quite right.

I'm probably not making sense, but I do hope you sort of understand me. With a read-over and a bit of revising, it should be quite extra extra lovely.

Good luck, an' all that jazz. I'm afraid I'd sound simply pitiful if I apologized for my tiredness.

-SELA

Thanks! I'll definitely revise it. What I was trying to say was that Ian agreed with Breanne. He believes he killed her sister but I get what your saying. It does sound a bit vague and confusing. I'll try and revise it soon. Thanks again!

~Tiger

That was incredible! How did you write that?! I loved the emotion in it, it's so sad. . . But it's still awesome. . . Are you writing more? if so let me know and I'll read it. I would so love to read more of it honestly, one more word. . . WOW! x x x x xx

Ten minutes? wow
This is really great, I wasn't quite sure how you could continue this, but I'm really glad you did!

“I disagree. You’re still are an idiot,” she smiled, a hateful look on her face.

I know her sister is dead, but Breanne is mean. I love her! You should defiantly include her more.

“I’m sorry, you’ll have to question me later,” I whispered hoarsely.
I ran. I ran from the church. I ran from Breanne. I ran from my memories. I ran for my sanity. I had to face the facts. Kali was dead and she was never coming back. Not only did I kill her, I killed my only chance of happiness, and Breanne was never going to let me forget that"

This is so sad. I feel so sorry for Ian. I wanna go and give him a big hug and tell him not to blame himself!

Awesome work! PM me when you have the next bit posted
xxxx