With Mankind As With Womankind. Part 1 chapters 3,4 and 5

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 7
THREE

At lunch I went to the canteen. Norma went down to the pub with some other friends.
I took my packed lunch out of my rucksack, said grace and started eating.
Pretty soon Daniel arrived at my table.
“Hi, Paul,” he said sitting down.
“ Hi. How's your day been so far, then?” I asked him.
“ All right. Same as normal really, nothing new to report.” He put his lunch box on the table. “ How was your lesson then?” he asked.
“Okay,” I replied twisting my kit kat wrapper into a ball. “ We had genetics which is my least favourite lesson. It’s really difficult.”
“I like that subject,” Daniel said unwrapping his sandwiches from a tin foil packet.
“How old are you again, Paul?” he asked me.
“Sixteen. What about you?” I asked him.
“Thirty One.”
Daniel took a bite out of one of his sandwiches.
“ How are your brother and sister. Are they al right?” he asked after he had swallowed his mouthful.
“ They are al right. Robert had a cold the other day but he’s better now. Vivian is fine."
"So, you've got one sister and one brother?" Daniel asked.
"Yes."
"And they're both younger than you?"
"Yes, that's right. How’s your job at the garage?”
“Same as normal, although we had a couple of new people this week.”
“What are they like?”
“Al right, very nice to work with.”
We continued talking until we had finished eating. Then I went to the library to do some work and Daniel went to meet some other friends.
All through the day I kept my secret to myself.
I was in love with Daniel.

FOUR

I had not told anyone. I could not bring myself to tell Daniel or anyone else. There was also the secret that I was gay, that I had not realised until now, but I hadn’t told anyone that either.
I met Daniel again at the bus stop at the end of the day. He lived in the same town as I did.
“Did you get much work done?” he asked me.
“ Yes, I handed an assignment in, one on animal anatomy.”
“ Just think, in three weeks time we will be on holiday,” Daniel said.
“Yes, that’ll be nice,” I said.
We stood in silence. Next to the bus stop we could see over the barbed wire fence into a field of cows. Rooks wandered over the damp grass, prodding it with their pale grey beaks. The pavement was covered in wet copper and yellow coloured leaves.
Soon the bus pulled up beside us. We both got on, paid the driver and sat down. In ten minutes we arrived home. We said goodbye and went our separate ways.
I spent the rest of the evening working on assignments, but Daniel was still in my thoughts.

*

We had been taught at home all our lives, Vivian, Robert and me. We were raised in a Christian home by Christian parents. They encouraged us to read the Bible and took us to church every Sunday. I thought I had become a Christian, but I was wrong as I found out later.
I had taken my GCSEs earlier this year. I took six subjects, English, English Literature, Maths, History, Biology and Chemistry. It was hard work but I managed to pass my English, Maths and Biology with a two As and a B. I revised at home and took them at a local school in our area.
After I had achieved the results mother found out about a college nearby that did animal management courses. I had always had a keen interest in animals so it seemed like the ideal next step for me. We made enquiries, I had an interview and I was offered a position in September.
The first few days were really strange. I had been home schooled all my life and i felt like a complete outsider: I did not seem to have anything in common with the other students and I had to put up their silly questions like
“ Have you ever been pissed?”
“When did you loose your virginity?”
“Have you ever been stoned?”
Of course, I could not answer yes to any of these questions and I felt really awkward and self-conscious. I complained to my parents about all this. They were sympathetic, but told me not to worry too much. “You’ve only just started,” Mum told me. “Wait and see how you find it.”
So I did, and they were right. Soon I did settle in. I found I was enjoying the course and I made a few friends. The two people who I was closest to were Norma Davidson and Mark Wilson. They were both the same age as me. I sometimes had the feeling that we did not have much in common, but I was able to work around this.
“You mustn't worry to much about what other people think about you,” Norma told me when I confided in her once about how uncomfortable I was feeling. “ I was bullied at school myself. I like you, otherwise I wouldn’t talk to you.”
I felt better after that.
Last edited by Pringle on Mon May 25, 2009 4:14 pm, edited 4 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Non-binary
Points 1979
Reviews 1176
O hai. :P


“ Hi. Hows your day been so far then?” I asked him.


“Hows” should be “how’s”, and there should be a comma after “far”.


Al right.


There shouldn’t be a space after the quote marks, and “al” should be “all.”


He put his lunch box on the table. It was made of transparent plastic with a white lid.


This is kind of boring. Too much detail. Paul fiddling with his wrapper is realistic and fits in smoothly, but blurb about the lunchbox doesn’t really work.


“We had genetics which is my least favourite lesson.


Doesn’t sound very realistic. Maybe italicise “least”?


I was in love with Daniel.


Good ending line. ^_^ Sharp, sweet and to the point.



I could not bring myself to tell him or anyone else.


It would be good to specify exactly who “he” is. I get that it’s Daniel, but for people who’ve taken a gap between chapters, mention who “he” is.


Rooks walked over the damp grass, prodding it with their pale grey beaks.


The description is nice, but “walked” is too boring. “Roamed”? “Wandered”?



I was born in 1988. I was the eldest of three children. I had a sister Vivian and a brother Robert. Vivian was four years younger than me, Robert was ten years younger.
Our parents were Christians and they had taught us at home all our lives. My earliest memory is of sitting in the garden when I was about four watching my Dad pruning the apple tree. I remember thinking I would like to have a go at it and being told no when I asked him.
We were all close as a family. We hardly ever had any arguments and we all got along very well. I enjoyed, football, swimming, reading and listening to classical music.
My Dad worked as a research chemist, Mum had worked as a publisher before giving up her job to concentrate on her family. They had met at a church in Sheffield where they used to live. After they had married they moved to Kent where they had lived ever since.


This, my starched savoury, is an info-dump. We don’t need to know all this. If any of it is important, you can find a more subtle way to show us later on. Dropping a pile of data-loaded sentences on your reader’s toes isn’t friendly. Take it all out.



I had taken my GCSEs earlier this year. I took six subjects, English, English Literature, Maths, History, Biology and Chemistry. It was hard work but I managed to pass my English, Maths and Biology with a two As and a B. I revised at home and took them at a local school in our area


Same here, and you need a full stop to end it.



I had never been to school or college, I felt like and outsider: it felt like I did nit have anything in common with the other students and I had to put up their silly questions like


This is too long, and you’re lacking some punctuation. Make it something like, “I had been home schooled until now, and I felt like a completely outsider. I didn’t seem to have anything in common with the other students, and I had to put up with their silly questions:”


They were sympathetic, but told me not to worry to much.


Wrong to. Should be “too”.


Soon I did settle in and I found I was enjoying the course and I made a few friends.


Sentence is too long with too many ands. Make it into two sentences.


Norma was a thin girl with black hair who was a year younger than me. Mark was a muscular boy with brown hair.


Boring… we don’t need to know their appearance just yet – you can slip it in some other time.


He enjoyed skateboarding and claimed to have a black belt in twai kon do.


I’m pretty sure that’s “tae kwon do”.


---

I think you need to speed the pace up. It's very slow at the moment, and although that's kind of the point, you need to make it interesting, otherwise no one will read it. You might be at a bit of a disadvantage having not read that many pure fiction books. Autobiographies are often told as one big infordump, and the style of writing is different to that in a fictional novel.

There isn't anything you're doing majorly wrong, but you need to spice it up and skip over the boring bits that make sense in real life but don't work in fiction. :P
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 58
As I am not finished writing my re-debut yet i will keep this short. you use the phrase "he asked" too prolifically. try to find an alternative. i would suggest reading the help forums for trouble with dialogue endings and i would also suggest looking into an author by the name or Jennifer Fallon for further reference regarding this. she is a good example of keeping the interest of the reader with dialogue heavy intrigue without much use of suffix like word attachments to quotations.

again i will say that i did not finish reading your story and i will mark this for a later review. i simply saw that issue in your writing as i was scanning the front page. in light of that i will say that Yes, its that visible a blemish on your writing, change it and you should have less trouble.

i wish you luck and as i am in a rush will not bother to edit this comment before quick posting.

I bid you adue.

~Sean Pendr
I do not want the first pithy lines that pop into your head. I'm not interested in that. I want plot, real characters, sharp dialogue. Plan, dream, live your story, then write it. Novel writing is not for the impulsive. ~Kitty15



In the past I would definitely say who you would find inside. Not so much today. Place is bonkers …. As is everywhere
— Greg Specter