Cowboy Ballad

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 13
Dreamin’


Bounty hunter since 12 years old
I can’t remember the last time I felt my right hip with out a pistol
The cold hard but of my pistol against the warm side of my palm
Gun slingin’ is all I ever knew
It wont surprise me in the least if I buck out in smoke
In fact, that’s the only way I see myself goin’
My left eye is blind
It only sees the past
Memories
Incidents
Dreams
Nightmares
All twisted up into one single puddle
Between the barrel of a glass eye

I never knew what love was
Till that one god forsaken afternoon
I’d just finished finding my way back far from the saloon
I lay watchin’ the sunset ‘side my horse
The sun cast a silhouette against a figure before me
Long flowing hair blocked my sight
The calico before me was no regular gal
She wore a deep maroon sundress that blew with the wind
Justin’s fit her feet well
In the pit of her hand she held a sharp’s rifle
It pointed strait at me
And it was that single moment in time
Time stood still
A smirk rooted to her face, she said “mighty fine game”.
And that was the beginning of my dream




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 3
This is really good. It keeps me wondering whats going to happen next. Your description is also very good. This piece just flows.
°o.OHolly.JeanO.o°




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1114
Reviews 6
Gosh, this poem is entertaining!

I love the way you've altered the language to make it so uniquely coyboy, and I think you've really succeeded. Its such an oeiginal idea as well.

I also like the love and lighthearted comedy interwoven here, really makes for a good poem.

Keeep writing!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 7829
Reviews 239
Hey there!

I've never heard of this "Cowboy Bebop" before but I read the poem anyways. Not good at critiquing poetry but I noticed one thing:

Till that one god forsaken afternoon


God should be capitilized. I would think. But that's just me and I'm not even sure :?

I really enjoyed reading this though. You did a good job on this poem. I love ballads but you could use some puncuation in there like commas, or periods and semi-colons. You have a few but it could use more ^_^ It would improve.

Happy Writing!

Meadow
Purple light in the canyon
that is where I long to be
With my three good companions
just my rifle, pony and me

--- "My Rifle My Pony and Me"



And on the pedestal these words appear:/'My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;/Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!'/Nothing beside remains.
— Percy Bysshe Shelley