When Did All This Happen? (Preface)

PREFACE. yup : )

“Moll? You ready to go?” I had just gotten down the stairs and was finishing my packing.
“Yup all ready.” I looked over at Braedon, his black hair was flowing everywhere; he must have been too lazy to brush it. He flashed me a grin and we walked out the door where I stopped dead in my tracks.
“Whoa…the…car?” His car, which I had ridden in many times before, had been a 1989 Ford truck. The car I was now looking at was shiny, looked brand new and like it caused a lot of money.
“I told you, you’re not who you think I am…” With that he took my bags, threw them in the back and opened my door for me. I climbed in unwillingly.
“What kind of car is this, Brae?” He turned on the car. I only knew this because I saw him turn the key, other then that it was way too quiet to know the car was running.
“A Bugatti Veyron.” I nodded my head knowing I had no idea what he was talking about.
“Was it expensive?” Stupid question.
“Mmm…” he didn’t say anything after that so I tried to relax and enjoy the ride. But how could I when the love of my life was sitting right next to me?
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please commenttt : ) I know it's not that well HELLLP : )

oh and here is a link to the car cause I like it : )

http://fotos.hondaclub.com.ar/data/512/ ... 0x1440.jpg

I'm going to be 100% honest with you, but this is only my opinion, i am not a big fan on a preface but then this is not my story, anyway, not to review..

“Moll? You ready to go?” I had just gotten down the stairs and was finishing my packing.

This didn't really sound right to me. Instead of saying "i had just gotten down the stairs and was finished my packing" you could say something like "i reached the bottom step and was done packing". But that is just a suggestion.

The car I was now looking at was shiny, looked brand new and like it caused a lot of money.

I'm pretty sure that it's not "caused" but "cost", because i think you're trying to say that the car was worth a lot of money, and "caused" is not the right word to use here.

“I told you, you’re not who you think I am…”

Simple mistake here, instead of saying "you're not who you think I am" you should have put "I'm not who you think I am".

I only knew this because I saw him turn the key, other then that it was way too quiet to know the car was running.

It should be "other than" rather than "other then".

“A Bugatti Veyron.” I nodded my head knowing I had no idea what he was talking about.

You don't really need to put "i nodded my head" you could just have "i nodded".


Overall i'm not sure how to react, mainly because i don't know whats happening, but i'm eager to find out what happens next. I hope i helped! And tell me when more of the story is up??

Okay, I am going to be brutally honest with you. I really didn't like it. I think that the writing needs some work as does the story line.

“Moll? You ready to go?” I had just gotten down the stairs and was finishing my packing.

That sounds a little odd, don't you agree? Maybe try, 'I had just finished packing and was heading down the stairs.

“Yup, all ready.” I looked over at Braedon, his black hair was flowing everywhere; he must have been too lazy to brush it. He flashed me a grin and we walked out the door where I stopped dead in my tracks.

It sounds better with a comma. Also, when I think of flowing hair, I see beautiful, silky locks, not hair that hasn't been brushed. Try, 'his black hair hung in knotted clumps,' etc, etc. Just an opinion.

“Whoa…the…car?” His car, which I had ridden in many times before, had been a 1989 Ford truck. The car I was now looking at was shiny, looked brand new and like it caused a lot of money.

First, I would change the whole quote there. It makes your character seem unintelligent and childish. Describe the shock she feels. After that, the writing gets sloppy and hard to put together. I would separate it into a couple of sentences instead of piling in all into one. Try, 'His car, the very one we had sat together in just yesterday, was a 1989 Ford. Today it had been transformed into a shiny, expensive looking vehicle.' Something along those lines.

“I told you, you’re not who you think I am…” With that said, he took my bags, threw them in the back and opened my door for me. I climbed in unwillingly.
“What kind of car is this, Brae?” He turned on the car. I only knew this because I saw him turn the key, other then that it was way too quiet to know the car was running.

You repeated car a couple times. I do this too. ALOT. No worries, just rephrase it.

“Mmm…” he didn’t say anything after that so I tried to relax and enjoy the ride. But how could I when the love of my life was sitting right next to me?

Starting off a sentence with 'butt' works sometimes, but don't overdo it. I don't like it used here. Try substituting in with another word, like maybe 'though.' Next, this last bit sounds a so cliche. To tell you the truth, my initial thought was, 'Great here goes another one.' I understand that's how you were introducing your other character to the female (Moll? maybe it's Molly?) but try to phrase it differently.


All in all, I think this needs work. It sounds like it could be a nice piece of work, but I suggest you work on this and revise it. Maybe read it aloud to yourself or a teacher and ask their opinion. Keep on writing!

~Tiger

The car I was now looking at was shiny, looked brand new and like it caused a lot of money.

Should be "cost" instead of "caused"

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I didn't really understand the significance of the car..? I understand that he used to drive a piece of crap car and now a rich one but... why? I would emphasize that more so the reader isn't so lost

Also, the point of it being so short is a big problem. The reader has no time to connect or anything. It starts and then... ends. There is no in-between, you know?

Add more to this, just to give something for the reader to mull over.

Otherwise, it sounds a little like the start of another Twilight-fan-fic. Be carefully because the line of crossing over into that territory is steadily growing wider as more and more people cross it. Just a heads up

If you are in need of any further help, let me know!