I love you

I Love You

I love you,
More than the Sun,
Loves the Moon.

I love you,
More than a song,
Loves it's tune.

I love you,
More than the night,
Loves the dark.

I love you,
More than a match,
Love it's spark.

I love you,
More than the sky,
Loves the sea.

I love you,
Even more than me.


I adore you,
Your hair, your eyes.
I adore your scent,
So sweet and nice.

I adore you,
More than a man,
adore his life.

I adore you,
More than a husband,
Adores his wife.

I adore you,
More than a soldier,
Adore's his country's soil.

I adore you,
More than a castle,
adore's it's gargoyle.

I adore you,
More than a flower,
Adores a bee.

I adore you,
Even more than me.

I love you so much,
But you dont care.
I know, I know,
It's so unfair.

But you know what?
I still love you.
Oh my dear,
I do, I do.

Hello Spike!! It's nice to meet you. Haven't seen you around here, welcome to YWS. Here's your review.

I love you,
even more than me.
I love you,
Cant you see?

• You have a pretty consistent iambic pentameter until it gets to the last line. I'm sure you could add two syllables onto the last line to even it out with the rest. Let me see if I can specify what I mean. For example:

The snow shimmered here
It's disposition white
On my window a tear
From Jack Frost's flight

All of these lines have generally the same syllable amount and therefore, it sounds even and it flows. Just add two syllables to the last line and you've created a smooth little stanza.

I love you,
More than the Sun,
Loves the Moon.

• Interesting analogy. Although, really, does the sun love the moon? In all legends, they have always been quarreling and fighting for the right to the sky. I suggest you make a closer analogy that makes more sense. Like "More than the tide, loves the moon."

I love you,
More than a song,
Loves it's tune.

• The last line again is off rhythm. Just experiment with the syllables in here to even it out. Otherwise, good.

---

Lovely. Short, sweet and simple, It follows the K.I.S.S philosophy. (Keep it simple stupid.)

It did though, have the rhythm issue. Try to keep every line in each stanza generally have the same amount of syllables. In a K.I.S.S. poem, a syllable pattern is very important. It keeps the reader engaged and overall, makes the poem sound smoother and nicer.

Also, keeping each stanza the same amount of lines, aids the appearance of the poem, as well as the feel and mood. Having a three lined stanza for a while, but then adding a random six lined stanza really disrupts the poems read, and makes it choppy.

The sum everything up, this was a cute, K.I.S.S. poem. (which is a good thing.) I liked it and it was fun to read. Please take in consideration what I have said, merely for the benefit of the poem.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Hello.

spike71294 wrote:I love you,
even more than me.
I love you,
Cant you see? This isn't a very good beginning. It's so cliche that it makes a really weak opening.

I love you,
More than the Sun,
Loves the Moon. This stanza I found a little odd. Sun loving the moon? It's confusing. Or perhaps it's just new.

I love you,
More than a song,
Loves it's tune.This stanza I adore.

I adore your hair,
Your lips and eyes.
I adore your scent,
So sweet and nice.

I adore every moment,
In which we meet.
I adore every breath,
Which you breathe. Breathe and meet don't relly rhyme. Perhaps you can change this in order to get your rhythm together again.

I love you so much,
But you dont care.
I know, I know,
It's so unfair. [b]The two clsing lines don't match the first part. It sounds like you just thre it in to make the rhyme work.

But you know what?
I still love you.
Oh my dear,
I do, I do.

And no one can change this fact,
Neither can you.
That no one can stop me,
From loving you.

Ending was again weak because it was cliche. I think this poem has a great voice. It reaches out well and makes people feel the emotion you portray with your words but some parts of it need to be improved.

Keep writing.

--Knightly

I thought the poem was cute but not original enough to grab my interest to pass it off to a friend. I think you have a lot of emotion behind the poem but resort to old cliches in order to get your idea across. I like the image of the sun loving the moon because the poem focuses on an unrequited love like that of the sun and moon. That at least was a new idea compared with the other cliches. Keep writing, I think you're getting somewhere.

The title caught my eye =) love is a very deep subject, but your poem, although very cute could be taken deeper, you can maybe add more stanzas, that would help, but overall it was cute, but a bit too general.

Hmm...well I noticed you kept a relevant iambic pentameter until the last stanza, add some syllables so it's a coherent work. I thought your reference of the sun loving the moon was nice, odd, but nice. I think it's the idea of pairing that I like in it, which you also used with the song and tune, again it was nice.

However, I do think that as far as depth goes you didn't expand your borders. I understand that you like this person and the feelings aren't necessarily reciprocal, but that's been done before, you can do more, experiment. More than anything just be honest, write what you feel. Sincerity will translate. There is promise, that's the important part.


PaperMoon

I like this poem, i like it but fail to love it.

This poem reminds me of how i've felt about people i used to be in love with, which is a good thing, it means you can evoke a readers feelings, a high order skill.

I would have to agree that some of the rythmn doesn't match (easily fixable), so just concerntrate more on getting the rythmn right and you have the potential to be an amazing poet.


Rye

spike71294 wrote:I Love You

I love you,
More than the Sun,
Loves the Moon.

I love you,
More than a song,
Loves it's tune.

I love you,
More than the night,
Loves the dark.

I love you,
More than a match,
Love it's spark.

I love you,
More than the sky,
Loves the sea.

This first part is really good. I like the imagery you use and the three line form you have going on gets the reader into a rhythm But at the poem continues the three line format is lost and you change the subject form love to adore making it seem like this is actually two poems put together.

spike71294 wrote:I Love You

I adore you,
More than a husband,
Adores his wife.

This is my favorite line the poem.

spike71294 wrote:I Love You
I love you so much,
But you dont care.
I know, I know,
It's so unfair.

But you know what?
I still love you.
Oh my dear,
I do, I do.

This ending doesn't match the rest of the poem. I don't like the question, it seems juvenile and not poetic. The beginning of the poem is all about loving you more than... and the end makes it, like I have already said, unrequited love which gives the poem a fluency issue. Think about what kind of emotions you want to display and don't overextend yourself. Stay to one theme and focused. Sometimes the simplest things don't take a lot of words.

Wow. You improved it. Everything seems to be ok now except for the ending. The question seems rather out of place.

I love how you put the things that are innately bound to one another together in this poem. It makes the love you portray here more solid, more vivid.

Lovely poem. Thanks for informing me when you edited it. It has been a great pleasure to read it.

--Knightly

I'll just comment on the overall content as I'm not a poetry expert.
Your analogies are all very interesting and good,
But basically, you're simply going around in circles.
The whole poem talks about how much you fancy the girl.
It gets boring and redundant eventually,
Especially when the repetitive lines occur so frequently.
You should describe more about the girl, what is it about her that attracts you so much.

~Have a nice day,
Meep(:

I love you,
More than a match,
Loves it's spark.

• Yeah, you're just missing the "s"

I adore you,
More than a man,
adores his life.

• The "s" again.

I adore you,
More than a soldier,
Loves his country's soil.

• You've messed with the very consistent rhyme scheme. Try to find a word that rhymes or else the poem gets thrown off it's track.


---

Wonderful improvement. Just a few spelling issues but that's all. Only one problem with the rhyme scheme, but that's not that important and doesn't really effect the overall sound of the poem. Good job, you really improved upon this one.

Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

Hey Spike ^^ Shina here
Since everyone else seemed to cover all the Iambic Pentameter and weak beginnings and all that jazz, I'll cover the overall poem.

I really liked this one. Though it was a little cliched and the rhyme schemes were basic when it came to wording, I like the comparisons you made as well as the point you made. My favorite line would definitely have to be the one about the match and the spark ^^

There is one thing I noticed you missed. You said "love its spark" instead of "loves its spark".

I actually love the simplicity of this.
there's probably improvement to be made here,
but there IS something to be said
about simple statements.
it's back to the roots, in a sort.

I love you more than I love myself.

This statement can be a very powerful one in itself.
I think, edited,
this can be an outstanding piece.