Come Get Me Grim Reaper

I was bored. Please review and stuff, rip it apart ! Be as cruel as you like ! xD]

Rhiannon lunged into her bathroom at full speed. She couldn't handle this. Seeing her mother like that, she had always been so strong! But now... she felt as if everything was falling and breaking. She slid down the door, and pulled her knees to her chest. Burrowing her face into her knees she cried.

She cried for what seemed like hours on end. Finally, when the tears had subsided, she looked up, staring at her surroundings. A fleck of silver caught her eye, half hanging out of the slightly open cupboard over the sink. Should she? “Yes.” Rhiannon replied to herself. She stood up and approached the cupboard, reaching out her hand, and grasping the silver object. It was her step-fathers shaving "knife". She held it before her eyes and inhaled, her throat felt dry, a lump formed. She closed her eyes and counted to ten. “It will make everything better.” She murmured as she moved it towards her wrist. It swiped through her silky skin; she gasped at the pain, and then watched the crimson liquid slowly fall down her wrist. Then her vision became blotchy. And she knew what was coming next, she welcomed it. She held her arms out wide and murmered "come get me grim reaper.” She felt a tear run down her cheek, as she fell to the floor. Her glassy eyes staring into nothingness. The single tear slipped from her cheek and silently landed on the blue floor before being devoured by the thick crimson tide...

Rhiannon was in her back garden, watching a giant butterfly standing next to the oak tree. It's beautifully patterned wings swaying in the breeze. She walked up to it cautiously and examined its sad eyes, its black body slightly hidden by its red and orange wings.

"Life." Its soft voice whispered to her, as it hovered closer to her, "You need life."

"No. I want death!" She stepped back from it, shaking her head.

"You're not ready to die." Its warm voice whispered to her again, "I can see it in your eyes."

A beeping noise behind Rhiannon made her jump; she spun round, looking down at a mouse. It looked up at her, making eye contact and then it opened its mouth; a deafening beeping came from it. She covered her ears, running away, but the beeping never stopped. It just wouldn't stop! She ran through fields, back gardens, beaches, how was she travelling so far in such short time!? She was confused. Still the beeping didn't cease.

She closed her eyes for moments. The beeping was quieter. After some time it finally stopped.
Rhiannon found herself sitting in a dark room, she heard sobbing. It sounded like her mother. Rhiannon slowly turned, staring at the corner of the dark room, suddenly the room burst out in the brightest light Rhiannon had ever seen.

And there she was, Rhiannon’s mother, lying in the corner of the room sobbing quietly, her arms and legs were sprawled out around her at odd angles and her mouth was slightly open. Her eyes were wide and tears were falling violently down her cheeks into her matted black hair.. Blood gushed from a wound in her head, she looked up, staring into her daughters eyes, "Rhiannon," she cried, her eyes pleading, "Rhiannon, wake up darling! Please wake up!”

Rhiannon reached out and touched her mothers pleading face, “I am awake…” she whispered, “Aren’t I?”

Her mothers face screwed up in agony as she let out a deafening scream, “NO!” she cried “Wake up!!”

Tears streamed down her mothers blood encrusted cheeks as she sobbed and groaned. Her tears fell into a pool of blood that had gushed from her body. They meandered through the puddle of blood slowly. Rhiannon closed her eyes; holding back the tears that threatened to come… and then opened them.

She was in a forest….

This was no ordinary forest. The tree's were' over 70 feet tall and the leaves were black. Darkness engulfed Rhiannon as she stumbled blindly through the eerie trees. Not a single speck of light came through the tangle of leaves above, and boy was Rhiannon scared. Beastly noises echoed here and there whilst Rhiannon stumbled on and on.

Tears fell rapidly down her pale cheeks. When she’d tried to kill herself, she hadn’t planned on her afterlife being like this, unless this wasn’t the afterlife... Her pondering was disturbed by a loud roar. It echoed through the whole forest and panicking birds soared past her head, pecking at her delicate cheeks as they passed, ripping her skin. She cried out in pain, cupping her cheeks with her hands as blood streamed down her hands. The roar echoed again, and it was closer than before...

A black shadow loomed above her; she stared at whatever it was. This monster seemed as if it were part of the forest, if she focused her attention on one part of it, it turned green and blended in with the trees. She tried to run, but it was as if she had been frozen on the spot! She couldn't move a muscle! She tried to scream, but her mouth was clamped shut, tears of fear ran down her paralysed cheeks as she was forced to stare at this almighty being advancing on her. She was doomed, and she knew it.
The terrible monster bent down to Rhiannon's level, facing her, breathing its deadly breath on her face. It opened its mouth to roar again, it's yellow and black teeth were glistening in a revolting looking slime. Rhiannon waited for the roar, staring into the monster's mouth, but there was no sound. Its crimson eyes found hers, making eye contact... she knew what it was about to do, and she couldn't let it happen. She tried to squirm and move, but nothing would happen. She stared helplessly at the monster as it was getting ready to devour her...

O-kay.... That was slightly disturbing, well written though. By the way, the killing herself thing seemed too sudden, it shouldn't be a one minute desicion. Other than that, nice horror story! Would be nice if I could understand where she was and what she was doing. Umm, maybe she should remmeber some childhood memories, it would sound better if she did, to me at least. Umm... That is pretty much iutt.

Hi You always take the time to read my story so I thought I would return the favour! This is a well written piece, its kind of strange but as it's showing the confusing dreams that the main character is going through I think it works well

But now... she felt as if everything was falling and breaking.

I'd maybe add 'around her' on the end here or perhaps change it a bit to something like 'she felt like everything was falling to pieces.'

She slid down the door, and pulled her knees to her chest. Burrowing her face into her knees she cried.

So you are not repeating 'knees' I'd maybe say 'legs' or something like that for one of them.

It was her step-fathers shaving "knife".

I don't really understand why this is quoted

She held it before her eyes and inhaled, her throat felt dry, a lump formed.

I think 'her throat felt dry' should either be the start of a new sentence or you could change it a bit to join it to the rest, something like 'her throat feeling dry and a lump having formed.'

She closed her eyes and counted to ten.

You have just mentioned 'eyes' so I'd maybe change it a bit here, maybe saying something like 'squeezed her eyelids shut'.

Then her vision became blotchy. And she knew what was coming next, she welcomed it.

I think this sentence might read better without 'Then' at the beginning and perhaps joining the two sentences with a dash.

and murmered "come get me grim reaper.”

'come' should have a capital 'c' and you have just said that she murmured so maybe you could change it to something like 'whispered'.

The single tear slipped from her cheek

You said previously that it was sliding down her cheek, so maybe here it would be better to say it slipped off of her chin or something like that

It's beautifully patterned wings swaying in the breeze.

I don't think this makes sense as a sentence on its own, I'd either add 'were' before swaying or join it to the previous sentence.

A beeping noise behind Rhiannon made her jump; she spun round, looking down at a mouse. It looked up at her,

Instead of 'looking down at a mouse' I'd maybe say something about spotting it, like 'she spun around to see a mouse before her'. as you have not mentioned it before.

She closed her eyes for moments. The beeping was quieter. After some time it finally stopped.

'for moments' I think should either be 'for a moment' or 'for a few few moments' or something like that. I think you could join the last two sentences and change them a bit to show that the beeping becoming quiter was gradual- something like 'The beeping grew quiter and after some time it stopped altogether.'

Rhiannon found herself sitting in a dark room, she heard sobbing.

These should either be two separate sentences I think or you could add an 'and' between them- perhaps you could change the second part a bit to something like 'and she could hear sobbing' to flow a bit easier if you do choose to keep it all as one sentence

Rhiannon slowly turned, staring at the corner of the dark room, suddenly the room burst out in the brightest light Rhiannon had ever seen.

'suddenly' I think should be the start of a new sentence and as you have just said 'room' I'd maybe change the second sentence to leave it out, maybe just saying a bright light suddenly burst forth or something like that.

Her eyes were wide and tears were falling violently down her cheeks into her matted black hair.. Blood gushed from a wound in her head, she looked up, staring into her daughters eyes,

I don't really see how they would be falling 'violently'- I'd maybe change the description a bit to show what you mean. You need to get rid of one of the full stops after 'hair' the last sentence I think needs to be broken up into two after 'head'.

Rhiannon reached out and touched her mothers pleading face,

You have just described her mothers face as 'pleading' so I'd maybe say something else here, perhaps 'twisted' or 'agonized' or anything like that.

Tears streamed down her mothers blood encrusted cheeks as she sobbed and groaned. Her tears fell into a pool of blood that had gushed from her body. They meandered through the puddle of blood slowly. Rhiannon closed her eyes; holding back the tears that threatened to come… and then opened them.

You have already described tears falling down her mothers cheeks so I don't think you need to repeat it here, maybe you could comment on her crying not stopping or something like that. You repeat 'tears' a few times, perhaps you could change one or two- for instance the last one could just be changed to Rhiannon holding back the urge to cry.

The tree's were' over 70 feet tall and the leaves were black. Darkness engulfed Rhiannon as she stumbled blindly through the eerie trees.

I'm not sure about 'eerie trees', as you have just said 'tree's' maybe you could say something about the trunks instead or forest and 'looming' or 'towering' might be a better replacement than 'eerie'.

She cried out in pain, cupping her cheeks with her hands as blood streamed down her hands.

So as not to repeat 'hands' I'd maybe just change the second one to 'them'.

A black shadow loomed above her; she stared at whatever it was. This monster seemed as if it were part of the forest, if she focused her attention on one part of it, it turned green and blended in with the trees.

At first you talk about staring at 'whatever it was' but then you say it's a monster. It was a bit confusing for me so I think you could maybe add something on her seeing it as a monster. I'd maybe change the comma after 'part of the forest' to a dash too

She tried to scream, but her mouth was clamped shut, tears of fear ran down her paralysed cheeks as she was forced to stare at this almighty being advancing on her.

I think this should be two sentences, so maybe the comma after 'shut' could be a full stop.

It opened its mouth to roar again, it's yellow and black teeth were glistening in a revolting looking slime.

I think these should either be two separate sentences at the comma or leave out 'were' after 'teeth'.

she knew what it was about to do, and she couldn't let it happen. She tried to squirm and move, but nothing would happen. She stared helplessly at the monster as it was getting ready to devour her...

So that you don't repeat 'happen' I'd maybe change one, for instance 'She tried to squirm and move, but nothing happened' could be 'she tried to squirm and move, but to no use.' Instead of just 'getting ready to devour her' I'd maybe say how- does it move closer? Stretch its mouth even wider? Something like that.

Overall: I think you have done well in showing the strangeness of the main characters dreams- it really did sound like a nightmare!

You haven't really explained what happened at the beginning, I would advise if you continue with this bringing that back into the picture as right now it seems kind of lost. I'm curious to know why she tried to kill herself and what happened with her mother- maybe a couple of hints here and there would help too I noticed that you brought up blood and tears quite a lot in this piece, I think a bit too much. I'd leave it out a couple of times, there are other ways of showing their distress that may be more effective than repeating the same thing- being silent and staring can be just as scary as someone bleeding to death.

I think after Rhiannon takes the pills you could maybe separate the reality from the dream-like state with a star or something, just to show that its no longer reality. As the whole nightmare scene is a bit confusing, I think you could reveal more about the character as it goes. At the moment I don't really know anything about her- perhaps some of her dreams could reveal more about her past or her character? Just an idea though

Most of my nitpicks are just on words used which is entirely up to a person's opinion so ignore them if you want! I did notice that quite a few sentence that need to be separate ones or joined properly and I pointed out what I could. I'm no expert in that area, I'm sure there are others on this site who are though!

Sorry if this was kind of harsh! I still did enjoy this piece and I think you have described some of the scene brilliantly- they do seem really disturbing! Hope I've helped and as I said before you can ignore me if you like!

Wow! What imagery! You certainly have a wonderful way with words, I'll tell you that :)
I'd love to know if this is just a one-off piece or is this just one part to a bigger whole? Cause I really would like to know exactly what about her mother that drove Rhiannon to kill herself (and if she really succeeded!).
I felt at some part the flow was disrupted too quickly by scene shifts. I think the suicide could be much more drawn out (yes, perhaps I am a little twisted *grins*) also.

The single tear slipped from her cheek and silently landed on the blue floor before being devoured by the thick crimson tide...

This was a beautiful line. ^.^

Rhiannon was in her back garden, watching a giant butterfly standing next to the oak tree. It's beautifully patterned wings swaying in the breeze. She walked up to it cautiously and examined its sad eyes, its black body slightly hidden by its red and orange wings.

Two things here, I don't think you notice right away that Rhiannon is 'dreaming' or 'hallucinating', perhaps you could try "Blinking, Rhiannon looked around, stunned - she was in her back garden..."
And I would love to know more about this butterfly! Is it large? Normal sized? Is it just sitting on the ground? I think this could be much more powerful if it was described in a little more detail.

As far as boredom writing goes, this was awesome to read *grins* I do hope you continue with it in some fashion!

Ariani