-Inconcessus- Thirteen

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Allrighty, this chapter was... challenging, for lack of a better term. I really found it difficult connecting Michael as a individual in this one and really making him stand out. Also, I really want the scene between Elena and Michael to stand out so if you have any pointers on that, it would be much appreicated :wink:

Otherwise,

Happy Reading! as usual!

_____________________________

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

It was as though I had entered a world in absence of light. The night closed in on me from all sides and though I had lived my whole life finding solace in the midnight hour, this time my chest constricted with fear and I swallowed audibly.
Something was wrong.
I could feel it in my lungs as they filled with the icy sting of the surrounding air. My eyes burned with some unknown substance suspended in the atmosphere, invisible as if it were some poisonous gas. My nostrils blistered as I inhaled the stench of some indefinite presence. I had never smelled anything like it.
It resembled the aroma that Carmen gave off but also of decaying flesh. It both pleasured and pained and I struggled against it.
I could feel it there, just out of my line of sight. It watched me stumble through the forest I was in—I could tell for the bark that scratched my limbs as I walked. I could hear it’s labored breathing, as if it too struggled with me being there.
That’s when I saw the flash of fangs.
It was so quick that I had almost missed it. But the glimmer of white was enough to halt me in my tracks. Those fangs were curved and had a hint of golden. Those weren’t vampire fangs. They made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end and I fought against my urge to flee.
But for some reason anonymous to me, I knew the creature didn’t mean me harm, though the fear was still there, curling and twisting around in my abdomen like a snake trying to break free.
I heard it speak my name, clipped with lots of pauses between syllables as if it had never spoken before.
“So… phi… a…”
It sent chills down my spine, but at the sound of its voice, the panic dissipated. I held out my hands, sightlessly moving forward again. Hands tenderly took hold of my own. But they weren’t normal hands.
Slick and velvety to the touch, it was as though I had doused my hands into a bucket of oily feathers. It had fingers and was able to hold my palms. My own hands slowly traveled up its arms, my breathing becoming labored. The velvety feel never ended, but I soon felt clothing beneath my grip.
That’s when I saw the flash of golden-white again and the clouds parted above to display a crescent moon.
The moonlight fell upon us and I was met by a pair of blue eyes tinted yellow. But it wasn’t a human face. It was feathered and the lips had transformed into a beak that opened wide to utter my name again.
“So… phi… a…”
I opened my mouth to scream—
Then I woke up.
I sat staring at my ceiling, waiting for my nails to retract back to their normal length while my breathing raged on, laborious and hot against the blankets. The image of such a grotesque and unnatural creature was enough to make my blood freeze within my veins.
I rolled onto my side and saw Elena’s serene form, mouth half-open—her signature pose when she was asleep. The light dabbled her with a ghostly sheen, enhancing her appearance as nature blessed her with its presence. I wondered for not the first time since I had arrived how Elena was able to be so gifted yet so… average, for lack of a better word. I had spent most of my life after I was Changed to be more than just a normal vampire. I wanted to be remembered; I wanted to be great. Then my downfall happened, and my reputation was shattered.
The only thing I could do now was to go forward and hopefully get back into Philip’s good graces.
Images of the dream, the feel of the enclosing darkness, swooped down upon me again and I squeezed my eyes shut, willing them away. I didn’t want to think about the creature who I had held hands with so intimately, who I had gone to in the middle of the night without question.
Was I nuts?
Sitting up, I rubbed at my eyes and rolled my shoulders, feeling the muscles contract and then relax as I loosened the knots in my back. I scratched at my chin and peered through the gloom out the window. Making up my mind, I crawled from the bed and to my feet, traversing over to the windowsill.
It was a nice night, cool and smelled of pure nature. I only opened the window a crack and watched the moonlight refract off of the snow beneath the window. That’s when I saw the moon.
It was only a sliver carving into the sky.
Was this a sign? Did this mean what I had seen in my sleep would come true? Shaking my head at my foolishness, I smiled blatantly at the moon. “You can’t scare me,” I whispered calmly into the night, the breeze carrying my words out of the room and to the heavens.
The foremost light hit the horizon with a shot of navy blue before alleviating to a honey hue. It was a slow process; one that beguiled me completely. I marveled at the color conversions; how it went from yellow in the center to pinks and purples like ones persons would see mingling together in the ocean. It wasn’t until I heard Elena stir behind me did I finally tear my eyes away from the sunrise.
“Sophia? You up already?” she asked, her voice thick with fatigue, slurring slightly at the end as she tousled her hair with a heavy hand.
“Yeah, couldn’t sleep.”
“How come?”
I shrugged. “No reason, really. Just not tired.”
Her eyes filled with the sunrise’s luminosity, making them smolder. Elena pierced me with those eyes, and I hurried towards the door.
“I’m going to take a shower, okay?”
She just nodded, still watching me with those eyes. It gave me the eerie feeling that she could read my mind.

* * * *

After a quick shower, I dressed in my favorite jeans and a fitting v-neck tee shirt. I let my hair air-dry as I took a spot upon the railing of the stairs outside the front door, leaving back against the large pillars holding up the upper floors. The wind was cold and my hair dried in thick waves down my back, dark like a pair of raven’s wings.
“Since when do you wake up so early?”
Michael was on the steps, his head level with my shoulder. His hair was disheveled with sleep, his eyes droopy. But his mouth was curved in that memorable smile, and I grinned back.
“Surprises happen every day.”
“Guess so.” His eyes strayed to the rising sun, which had almost fully made its descent into the now-blue sky. They then returned to me. “How are you?”
“Good,” I replied.
“No, I mean, how are you, really. I heard all about you in the hospital with Nate.”
“Yeah, what about it?” I tried to play it off as if I didn’t care, but I could even detect the slight tremor in my voice. I could feel the dream resurfacing in the back of my mind, tugging and tugging with a diligence that gave me exhaustion. But I wouldn’t let it free and released a sigh when it slipped back into my recesses of thought.
“Nate said you knew the human kid.”
I should have been prepared for this. They weren’t worried about Nate; they were worried that I had been associated with a human kid already within the short four days since we had arrived.
“Yeah, I knew him. He was the one that found me in the woods.”
“Oh,” was all Michael said.
“How’s Dover?”
Michael shifted his shoulders, leaning up against the railing opposite from me. “Okay. He’s just glad Nate’s back.”
“I’m glad we found him.”
“Me too.”
Silence settled around us and I relished the feel of ease that enclosed us. I saw Michael’s eyes drooping and smiled softly. “Still looks like you’re tired.”
He sat up, rigid. I was confused until Elena appeared, dressed in a pair of Spandex shorts and a body-hugging tank that did wonders for her toned figure. I barely succeeded in holding back a snort of laughter at Michael’s widened eyes. It was obvious that the boy had found a new female to ogle at, Rebecca forgotten.
“’Morning, Michael,” Elena greeted, always the polite one, though I knew she hadn’t missed Michael’s eyes lingering on her bare legs.
He, being always the charming male that he was, flashed her a cheeky smile and brushed the hair from his eyes in what I knew was an attempt to look debonair. It just made him look dorky. I could tell that Elena was struggling in keeping a straight face.
We met gazes. “Sophia, wanna go for a run?”
I glanced over at Michael and then back at Elena. “Of course. Just let me go change.”
I hurriedly threw off my jeans and replaced them with a pair of windbreaker pants. Tying up the laces of my tennis shoes, I had only been gone a total of thirty seconds by the time I was back at the front door. Elena was at the bottom of the steps, twisting her torso from side to side as she stretched out her back. Michael watched from the top steps, telling her about the time he had beat Philip in a race.
“Ready to go?” I asked.
Elena nodded and was already hitting the trails by the time I got to the bottom step. Michael looked puzzled and he sat there for a second, scratching his chin. I wasn’t so inhumane not to feel slightly bad for him.
“You okay?”
He shrugged his shoulders, shaking away whatever he had been thinking about. “Yeah, of course. I think I’ll go find Rebecca.” He left the same way he entered, leaving me shaking my head in wonder.
Males sure were a mystery to me.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach




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Hey Ash!

I was so happy when you PMed me and told me that you posted the 13th chapter!

Okay, time to start reading.

It was as though I had entered a world in absence of light. The night closed in on me from all sides and though I had lived my whole life finding solace in the midnight hour, this time my chest constricted with fear and I swallowed audibly.


I love this beginning! But it needs a little work. The second sentence is too long and I think you should break that into two sentences. And the first sentence, "It was as though I had..." should stand alone.

Try:
It was as though I had entered a world in absence of light.

The night closed in on me from all sides. Though I usually found solace in this dark hour of the day, my chest constricted with fear. I swallowed audibly.


I know you can come up with something better. Don't bunch Sophia's feelings up into one sentence. Use as many as you want.
I could feel it in my lungs as they filled with the icy sting of the surrounding air. My eyes burned with some unknown substance suspended in the atmosphere, invisible as if it were some poisonous gas. My nostrils blistered as I inhaled the stench of some indefinite presence. I had never smelled anything like it.


I love love love this chunk here!
It resembled the aroma that Carmen gave off but also of decaying flesh. It both pleasured and pained and I struggled against it.


I don't like the way these are worded.

Try:

It resembled the aroma that Carmen emitted, but it smelled more like decaying flesh. The scent was both a pleasure and a pain.

I could feel it there, just out of my line of sight. It watched me stumble through the forest I was in—I could tell for the bark that scratched my limbs as I walked. I could hear it’s labored breathing, as if it too struggled with me being there.


I am rather confused by this part. The bark scratched at her limbs? I think you need to reword some of the stuff in the sentence to make this more clear.
Those fangs were curved and had a hint of golden. Those weren’t vampire fangs. They made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end and I fought against my urge to flee.


Hmm? I think you could reword these as well.

Try:

They were curved and had a hint of gold. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end, for they were not vampire fangs. An urge to flee surged through me.
But for some reason anonymous to me, I knew the creature didn’t mean me harm, though the fear was still there, curling and twisting around in my abdomen like a snake trying to break free.


Try:

But for some reason, anonymous to me, I knew that the creature didn't mean me any harm. I kept telling myself, hoping to assuage the fear but it was still there, curling and twisting around in my abdomen, like a snake trying to break free.
I wondered for not the first time since I had arrived how Elena was able to be so gifted yet so… average, for lack of a better word. I had spent most of my life after I was Changed to be more than just a normal vampire. I wanted to be remembered; I wanted to be great. Then my downfall happened, and my reputation was shattered.


Try:

I wondered- though this was not the first time since I had arrived-how Elena was able to be so gifted and yet so...average, for lack of a better word. After I was Changed, I spent most of my life trying to be something more than just a normal vampire. I wanted to be remembered; I wanted to be great. And then my reputation was shattered.
“You can’t scare me,” I whispered calmly into the night, the breeze carrying my words out of the room and to the heavens.


Try:

"You can't scare me," I whispered, the breeze carrying my words out of the room and up to the heavens.
I marveled at the color conversions; how it went from yellow in the center to pinks and purples like ones persons would see mingling together in the ocean. It wasn’t until I heard Elena stir behind me did I finally tear my eyes away from the sunrise.


I think you should take out the "like ones persons would see mingling together in the ocean." Less is always more sometimes.
But I wouldn’t let it free and released a sigh when it slipped back into my recesses of thought.


I would suggest rewording this but, I don't quite know how. It seems convoluted.
I hurriedly threw off my jeans and replaced them with a pair of windbreaker pants. Tying up the laces of my tennis shoes, I had only been gone a total of thirty seconds by the time I was back at the front door.


Try:

I hurriedly threw off my jeans and replaced them with a pair of windbreaker pants.

I think the other sentences really don't matter and you can do without them.
Males sure were a mystery to me.


Haha, I could totally relate with Sophia on this and this was a great cliffhanger.

I loved the dream and thought that your descriptions were beautiful. The only thing I would caution you on is your word structure and order. You know like keep a pattern of short, medium, long sentences. Don't add in unnecessary information. And remember that sometimes less is more.

I really enjoyed reading this chapter and I thought that the interaction between Michael ( I almost swooned because you know that he's like, my favorite character besides Isaac and just when I thought I knew what Isaac is you make him into this bird-like creature...ooh this is getting so good!) and Elena was good and I like how he was all googly eyes over her. So cute.

Keep writing,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.




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It was only a sliver carving into the sky.


I thinks "It was only a sliver carved into the sky." might have worked a bit better, mostly because the wording slightly confused me at first.


His eyes strayed to the rising sun, which had almost fully made its descent into the now-blue sky.


I think you should have used some word other than decent seeing as the sun is going up, not down.

But over-all great job! (like usual) I really like how Micheal's character showed a bit more in this chapter. ^-^ He seems really cute <3 And I don't know if it's just me but it looked like something happened between Elena and Micheal aside from just talking, consciously or not on their parts, but that's probably just me.

And I'm even more curious about Isaac than ever before!!!! I didn't think he'd be a vampire but then you throw this bird-thing at me and I'm all like "WHOA!!" I'm so curious!!!!! >.<
Write faster!!!! (please? I'll love you forevers and evers! <3)
----
If you can't dazzle the world with your knowledge, Then baffle them with your bullshit.




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Hey ash,

This chapter....was a challegne to read, because it seems ( to me) it was going in ever driection and that's wasn't cool.

But on a other note, We got to learn more about Micheal. We learn that he is like every human male out there. You made him relate to the real world and that's good.

I am starting to wonder on if Every male that Sophia knows is crushing on her. To me, it seems that Micheal likes her. As well as Nate and Carmen.

Well, that's all i can say about this chapter. Pm me when you edited or posted a new chapter.

Ciao,

Bri aka Night Mistress.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion




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Hey, Ashley! Alas, again I am slow. You always seem to catch me when I leave town. :wink:

Well, since Angel, Night Mistress, and Rhi took care of the nitpicks, I shall tell you what I thought about this chapter.

First of all, I would like to say that I deeply admire your work, always and forever. And that your story is one of the best I have read on YWS. I'm sure many people will agree with me, as we all jump to read your newest submission first. But what I have to say is not the norm.

*deep breath* I don't think this was your best chapter. In fact, I think this might be one of your worst. *cringe* (I hate saying this, it's killing me!) The pace of your story has slowed down, and by this time, the inner reader in me is becoming impatient as dissatisfied. *again, cringe* I want to know more about Isaac, the mysteries of Sophia, and what the main danger is. Right now, it seems like there is zero conflict, which a good story cannot exist without. Your conflicts come and go, changing with each chapter. First it was moving to a new coven. Next it was dealing with the hate of humans. Then there was the issue with Nate becoming an Exile. And now it's what exactly Isaac is. (Please, please don't think I'm being insensitive and mean. I'm just as uncomfortable with this as you are.) My suggestion would be to move on, and get rid of the complicated, subtle plot lines underneath and find the one that will be the major one. If this was a book, I would be struggling to keep reading, fighting the impulse to skip ahead to more captivating chapters. I think your story needs to move on.

Again, I really love your work, but I think this chapter needs some work.

Hugs, kisses, and full support,

Sunny




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Okay then.
Hmm.
I liked the dream. It was very mysterious and would stick with me as well. But you connected the dream to Michael bringing up the human incounter at the hospital. We arent supposed to know that the feathery creature is Issac, you pretty much just gave it away there.
This, like a few chapters before, seemed more like a fluff piece. Yes, we got to see Michael oogle a bit over the lucious Elena, but that's all we did see. You didnt quite present us with a new conflict that would have us gripping for the next installment.
I would think she would research her dream a little more, maybe even ask Elena or Philip if there were any pretetors that matched up with the feathery creature. If she had anything to fear, you know? I think that may help us and even leave us with a cliff hanger if you time it right.
I like some of the phrases you use while you are having her wake up, or look at the sunrise. You do an excelent job at painting the picture for your reader. Props for that. XD
Although, you are making a human connection with Michael, i think it may be too human. If that makes any sense. Maybe it's just me, but i just don't think that you should have that in there, or like that anyway. I would think that he would lose that wandering eye trait the day his heart died. You know? Maybe I'm just making things up here.
Well, sorry if i wasnt any help of if i was harsh in anyway. I just think you are capable of something intense, gripping, and better. Good luck on your next installments and do let me know when they are posted.
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched




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Here we go! Nitpicks fiiiirsst.

It was as though I had entered a world in absence of light.


Wrong way to say it. It was as if I had entered a world absent of light.

As if because it sounds better in Sophia's voice than as though.

[s]this time[/s] my chest constricted with fear and I swallowed audibly.


Something was wrong.


This - I really liked this. It was so simple, so sudden. 'S one of my favorite devices in stories, in dramatic bits especially.

It both pleasured and pained me, and I struggled against it.


It watched me stumble through the forest I was in—I could tell for the bark that scratched my limbs as I walked.


This is a really awkward way to describe her realizing she's in a forest. I'd suggest scrapping the above sentence and having her figure out she's in a forest some other way. If it has to be a forest at all. I mean, if there's a total absence of light, why isn't she knocking into trees and tripping over bushes and into streams?

it’s labored breathing,


Woops! You musta missed this one - its, not it's.

Those fangs were curved and had a hint of gold[s]en[/s]


One, how does she know they're fangs? And, two, those is awkward. Word it differently, perhaps?

I heard it speak my name, clipped with lots of pauses between syllables as if it had never spoken before.


It hissed a word awfully familiar to me, slow and faltering as if it had never spoken before. Does that sound better? Rephrase this, anyhow, because it's - it's - it's awkward, lacking a better word.

Sitting up, I rubbed [s]at[/s] my eyes and rolled my shoulders,


I [s]scratched at my chin and[/s] peered through the gloom out the window.


The struck-out part seemed... unnecessary. You could dispose of this whole sentence, unless you *really* need her to look out the window.

Making up my mind, I crawled from the bed and to my feet, [s]traversing[/s] walking/slipping(EITHER WOULD BE FINE) over to the windowsill.


It was a nice night, cool and smelling of pure nature.


Nice is a little weak. Better adjective, mayhaps? Also, cool and smelled/ing of pure nature is... clumsy. Again - rephrase? xD

There were, of course, others, but I haven't much more time, so those're my nitpicks for today. =D

As for this particular chapter, the beginning - the dream - was interesting and the rest was rather flat. The conversation with Michael, I mean. I simply didn't feel like I was listening to two people talking - I'm not sure how to describe it more than that. I'd suggest you liven it up a little.

Other than that, thanks for the read, an' I hope I'll be around for Chapter Fourteen! ^-^

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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[spoiler]
Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit

It was as though I had entered a world in absence of light. The night closed in on me from all sides; and, though I had lived my whole life finding solace in the midnight hour, this time my chest constricted with fear and I swallowed audibly.

It resembled the aroma that Carmen gave off, but also that of decaying flesh. It both pleasured and pained, and I struggled against it.

I could feel it there, just out of my line of sight. It watched me stumble through the forest I was in—I could tell for the bark that scratched my limbs as I walked. I could hear its labored breathing, as if it, too, struggled with me being there.

It was so quick that I had almost missed it. But the glimmer of white was enough to halt me in my tracks. Those fangs were curved and had a hint of golden. Those weren’t vampire fangs. They made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end, and I fought against my urge to flee.

It sent chills down my spine, but at the sound of its voice, the panic dissipated. I held out my hands, sightlessly moving forward again. Its Hands tenderly took hold of my own. But they weren’t normal hands.

Images of the dream, the feel of the enclosing darkness, swooped down upon me again and I squeezed my eyes shut, willing them away. I didn’t want to think about the creature whom I had held hands with so intimately, who I had gone to in the middle of the night without question.


The foremost light hit the horizon with a shot of navy blue before alleviating to a honey hue. It was a slow processone that beguiled me completely. I marveled at the color conversions; how it went from yellow in the center to pinks and purples like ones persons would see mingling together in the ocean. It wasn’t until I heard Elena stir behind me did I finally tear my eyes away from the sunrise.

* * * *

After a quick shower, I dressed in my favorite jeans and a fitting v-neck tee shirt. I let my hair air-dry as I took a spot upon the railing of the stairs outside the front door, leaning back against the large pillars holding up the upper floors. The wind was cold and my hair dried in thick waves down my back, dark like a pair of raven’s wings.

Michael shifted his shoulders, leaning up against the railing opposite from me. “Okay. He’s just glad Nate’s back.”

“I’m glad we found him.”

“Me, too.”
[/spoiler]


For starters, why are males like that? Ugh.
I think you did well on this chapter... although the dream part was really, really confusing. At first I thought it was a dog and then suddenly he had hands and... basically it was just weird... which is usually the case for dreams, but the whole point is to add clarity within the whole confusion. Let us be clearly confused, if you will, haha.
Off to do more reading, then.

»Sam.
"The power of accurate obeservation is often called cynicism by those who haven't got it." - Oscar Wilde.

If I could only see right to the end, I'd know just where to begin, and I could put together all the little pieces.




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The only thing I could do now was to go forward and hopefully get back into Philip’s good graces.

Why wasn't she in Philip's good graces anymore?
Ever since you went away, my heart has never beat the same and all that I can do is just laugh.



By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill