[deleted]

Deleted at authors request.

Hi I didn't read your first piece originally but I thought this seemed really good! Sad so far though I'm definitely curious as to the reasons behind all of this, you've got a good beginning here I can't really see much, but if I'm on extra-picky mode there are a couple of things that could be changed- all down to preference though so ignore me if you think something different

I stood nearly alone between the two rows of houses; the only other thing that occupied the space was the rugged gravel, mocking me, telling me I'd never see Aiden again.

I'm not sure about saying she is 'nearly alone' as she is alone, I'd maybe miss out the 'nearly' because even though you talk about the gravel as her company its not an actual person so wouldn't really count. I think you could maybe add 'around me' after space too

I ran through the large, messy house, dodging stray cigarette packs, old beer bottle cartons, and askew, dirty clothes, searching for him.

'askew, dirty clothes' sounded a bit odd to me, are they on the floor which is why she has to dodge them? As otherwise they would only be on furniture so they wouldn't really be in the way, if they were on the floor maybe mentioning something on that would make more sense. For instance commenting on piles of clothes or crumpled items tossed on the floor.

"Yes?" I asked upon finding him sprawled out on his ratty couch in the den

I'm not sure if 'ratty' is the best word to use here, I haven't really heard it much to describe items so it might just be me it sounds strange to though. I think something like 'tatty', or 'worn' or anything else like that might work better.

I walked out of the room, trying to think of a way to get some beer.

I think you could maybe say something better than 'walked' here, like 'retreated' or 'hurried' to show her fear of him and how desperate she is to leave quickly.

My uncle had told me this countless times before. The sad thing was that I believed him. But who else could I be? Certainly no one special- I wasn't talented, nor gifted; I wasn't anything at all.

As it's from her perspective, I'm not sure if she would be saying that she believed him and it being a sad thing as she would think it was the truth- so maybe instead she would say something like 'the sad thing was that it was true.' as that is how it would appear from her point of view.

My uncle had taken me away just before my mother's death. I have but one memory of her, for I was very young when he took me away:

You say 'taken me away' then 'took me away' quite close to one another, I think it might sound better to change 'took me away' to something else, perhaps 'when I had to leave her' or 'when he made me leave her' or something like that.

When had my mother put a lock on my door? My uncle hastily undid the lock on the door, opened it, and stumbled in.

So you are not repeating about the lock on the door, maybe you could just say something like 'My uncle hastily undid it and stumbled in.' as it's already clear what you are referring to as you have just mentioned it.

my mother screeched as my uncle exited the room

I think you could maybe say something better here than 'exited' to describe how he left, like 'stormed from the room' or 'strode from the room' or something else that gets across the speed and force of his movements.

but I was to intimidated to try and stop the man.

I think 'to' should be 'too' here

Overall: Like I said, this is a great beginning and fine as it is! I hope you continue with it as I really want to find out what happens next

There isn't much imagery on the characters yet, and I don't think its needed at this early stage but in future it would be good to hear more on how the uncle appears- something to describe his grubby appearance and how he intimidates her would be effective I think You could always add in more detail as to how he is on the sofa- like how he doesn't look her in the eye and just stares at the TV or scratches his stomach or something like that to add to the distaste the reader will already have of him.

I couldn't really see anything else, I like how you start Sorry for the lack of help! *Star*

Wow. This was moving, gritty and hard-hitting-you tell it like it is and it isn't fluffified at all.

I also want to say that you're very brave to approach writing about such a difficult and harrowing subject. You do so very tastefully too.

I also like how the protagonist Aiden shows vulnerability and fear without being weak.

[s]Music[/s] Wifey, darling, I'm back! Thanks again for using my thread, and sorry for the extremely long wait...
Description

Wifey Alert!!

You, m'dear, are officially awesome for revising this story. I think it's a lot better now, and can't wait to continue reading this! Thanks for posting on my thread, darling!


Descriptions - Better job on this, dear, but I would still like more. At the beginning, in Molly POV, what does the gravel look like? Is the sky a dark gray, resembling her feelings? Or is it a beautiful day outside? Are the birds chirping, the sky a perfect shade of blue, and the trees full of life? Does nature mock her? Then, we come to Uncle Dan's house. Now, one thing that really bothers me here is that you say it's really messy. I would delete that part of the sentence. I mean, you tell us that she's avoiding beer bottles etc. This creates an excellent picture in our mind and I love your subtlety. But, saying outright that it's messy completely ruins the effect. [/rant] XD Aaaaaanywayz, now to the den. You say that there is a ratty couch. Eh, that's a start, but it's still a bit difficult to picture. Is it torn? Was it supposed to be a pretty color, and is now covered with a layer of dust like everything else in the house? Ya?

Characterization - Me likey your characters. So, Aiden = awesome. Uncle Dan = okay. Molly = I'm-not-quite-sure. Uncle Dan is someone I would like to know a little more about. Why exactly does he act this way? What happened in his past? Is there any good in him? Again, I would like to feel a little sympathy for me? Maybe make his voice break a little when he tells Aiden that her mother will never be well again? Or if you want him to be pure evil, make him a little more menacing. Right now, he kind of scares me in that he hits her. I would like to be scared of him even more. Maybe add a mini flashback of the pain she feels. Explain how she felt as she got up after the brutal beating. Was she aching everywhere? Did she feel as if she was torn into a million pieces? Adding some metaphor and imagery in there would really add to the fearful aura of Uncle Dan.

Flow - Wow, your piece excels in this area. I don't really think there are any problems with the flow. Oh, and you get a gold star for changing the pace. Trust me, now, I can actually feel what's going on instead of having information dumped on me. Which was, if I remember, my major complaint last time. So, excellent rewrite, darling!

Mood - I adored the beginning of it, dear. But, it seemed to detiorate a bit in the middle. She doesn't seem scared enough for me. Similarly, the uncle doesn't seem evil enough. Make her shiver whenever she talks to him. As she walks into the house does she shudder? Does she try to block out the stench of alcohol and fail miserably? Is she reluctant to take even one step because she knows that brings her closer to him? Is she in conflict with herself because she knows she must go to him? But, she doesn't want to? Is her brain telling her to stop but her feet aren't listening? Y'know what I mean? Add a little internal conflict to make her feelings a little more real and emphasized. This will also help show the evil character of her uncle...Ya?

Overall - Alright, so now that I've totally torn apart your rewrite, it's compliment time! XD My fave line had to be :

The room smelled heavily of alcohol and smoke, but I tried not to cough. My uncle didn't like it when I coughed.

^_^ And, I really did love your rewrite darling! Thanks for using my thread and sorry for the slowness of this review. Gold star!

fluteluvr77<3

Hey Music,
I'm here to deliver my review.
Apologies for presenting it in document format though.

See you around then!

Locked, at authors request.