Traveller: Chapter 1, Part 2

Part two

When I said shattered, I meant literally. The small house I lived in imploded, with wood shards flying everywhere. I ducked instinctively, and grabbed my little brother. Narne was shivering with fear. This was the scariest thing that had happened to him his whole life.
When the splinters finally settled, our fear only increased. A piercing shriek rang through our peaceful woodland valley. A black... thing appeared from the place the sound originated. It flew towards the house on long, bat-like wings. Narne had passed out in shock and I dragged him under the table, which was miraculously still standing.
It swooped over our home, still shrieking. Finding nothing among the ruins, it let out one final, terrible call, and flew off towards the setting sun. I lay under the table, stunned. I could not comprehend what had happened. Eventually, the shock wore off, and my focus was drawn back to my family. I decided to look for my parents. I stood to search, and was horrified. Under the rubble, my mother's arm lay still, lifeless. Color drained from my face. I came to my knees, and silently cried in grief. But I tried to keep it under control, for Narne.
A spark of hope was suddenly lit within me. My father might still live! I frantically searched the house, and then the perimeter. But I saw no sign of him. I sat down glumly, no melancholy, and began to stare off into space. But wait, I thought, I didn't check the cellar! The cellar was a small, cold room beneath our home, without any real purpose. I pulled a board off the door, opened it, and descended the steps.
By the light of the sun shining in, I saw him. My father lay wounded, but alive, on the floor. I shook with joy. Perhaps this men the end of my troubles. But it was a childish whim. I tried to tell my father I would get mother's herbs, but he signaled for me to stay.

He said to me, in a whisper, "Do not bother with an old man like me, my time was near anyway. I need to tell you something of great importance. You are not my son, nor of any relation to any of this family. You, Melwyn, are the heir of Gwyloni the King."

At this point he sucked in his final breath, and his eyes clouded over as he fell. I screamed out with rage and shock. Why is this world so cruel? To keep my focus and perhaps my sanity, I decided to help Narne. But this is just another sad part of my tale.
Narne was in a coma. I knew this from the books my mother, or what I had known as my mother, kept to help her identify all the illnessess throughout village. I lay down in hopelessness. I never wanted to get up again. I was about to sleep from pure nessescity, when a voice called out.

"Oh no! The Ared got here first! The heir... is he alive?" it said. I looked and saw an old man with a staff. He appeared to be speaking to himself. I called out from my sitting place under the table.

"I'm alive, but I don't want to be."

He appeared startled for a moment and rushed to me.

"Now, young one, this is sad indeed. I am here to guide you through the coming trials. Will you trust me?"

Normally, I'd have said no, but my instincts told me to say yes. It was just part of his charisma, I later reasoned. "Of course I'll trust you. I have no one else." I felt the tears well up in my eyes. Oh please, I thought, Not now, not in front of him. But he seemed to sense my thought, and said,

"Hush now, you may cry. In fact, that is what I command you to do. A tear on warm lips grows healing words."

I obeyed, and let the tears flow.

Hi! I read through your first chapter and prologue and I think you have a really good storyline here- I haven't heard a plot like it and it sounds like the perfect thing for a fantasy The first line here was a good starting point as well

When the flying wood shards finally stopped, our fear was increased quickly.

I think you could say something better than ‘stopped’ like ’settled’ or saying they were reduced to splinters or something like that, and as you have already referred to them as flying wood shards, I’d maybe try and use a different description here. As their fear is not increasing due to the stopping of the flying wood shards I’d probably phrase it a bit differently to show that despite the explosion having ended there was still worse to come. Here’s an example- ‘But once the shards had settled, our fear only increased.’

A piercing shriek rang through the peaceful woodland valley that the village was in.

This sounded a bit awkward to me- I’d maybe just leave out ‘that the village was in’ and perhaps change ‘the peaceful woodland’ to ‘our peaceful woodland’

A black... thing appeared from the place the sound originated. It flew towards the house.

How does it fly? You have just used ‘flying’ to show the wood shards, so I’d instead here add more detail as to what it is doing to fly- with powerful strokes of its leathery wings or something like that. I will say more in the overall about this but even though it’s a thing, you can still see it so some description would be good. Obviously it can fly so maybe some focus on wings?

I dragged Narne (unconscious from the fear)

I think you could phrase this a bit better, maybe 'Narne had passed out in shock and I dragged him under the table' or something like that.

It swooped over the home, still shrieking.

I'd maybe change 'the home' to 'our home' here

Eventually, the shock wore off, and I began to see sense. I decided to look for my parents. I stood to search, and was horrified.

I think you could say something better than that he ‘began to see sense‘- maybe something about his thoughts started to order themselves or something like ‘and my focus was drawn back to my family.’ ‘I decided to look for my parents’ sounds very calm whereas I would think he would be more terrified for his mother and father- perhaps a thought of ‘My parents! Where are they?’ The same thing with ‘I stood to search’, maybe he would jump to his feet frantically or something like that. ‘and was horrified’ I think might be better being shown in his actions, like perhaps he suddenly froze. All in all something like this- ‘Eventually, the shock wore off and my thoughts became more practical. Wait, my parents! Where are they? I scrambled to my feet but quickly froze as my eye caught on something.’

Under the rubble, my mother's arm lay still, lifeless. Color drained from my face. I came to my knees, and silently cried in grief. For how long, I had no idea. I only know that the moon was high in the sky before I stood again.

What has happened to his brother? At first he was cowering with him under the table but now he is completely forgotten. This all goes by very quickly, I think it might be better to have him crying but snapping out of it when he thinks about his father still being trapped as with another parent still in trouble you wouldn’t spend so long crying for someone- you’d more likely try to bottle it up I would think. I think ‘colour drained from my face’ might sound better with ‘The’ at the beginning or ‘All the’

My father might still live!

I’d maybe have this in italics as his thought.

I sat down glumly, no melancholy, and began to stare off into space.

I think it might just be better to have one word and I would think he would be more distressed here- perhaps collapsing to the floor with his head in his hands or another dramatic movement.

The cellar was a small, cold room beneath our home, without any real purpose. We simply called it the cellar. I pulled a board off the door, opened it, and descended into the cellar.

I’d get rid of ‘we simply called it the cellar’ as I don’t think it’s really needed. You also repeat cellar a couple of times, maybe ‘descended into the cellar’ could be something like ‘descended the steps’.

I shook with joy. Perhaps this men the end of my troubles. But it was a childish whim.

‘men’ needs a ‘t’ on the end but I think it might sound better as ‘would mean’ and maybe putting it into italics to show it as his thoughts. I wouldn’t really say this was a childish whim- it’s just being hopeful. Perhaps something like ‘But my hopes would soon be crushed.’ would be more appropriate.

He said to me, "Do not bother with an old man like me, my time was near anyway. I need to tell you something of great importance. You are not my son, nor of any relation to any of this family. You, Melwyn, are the heir of Gwyloni the King."

How does he say this? He is dying so some detail on how his voice sounds and his appearance would be good here I think.

At this point he sucked in his final breath, and his eyes clouded over as he fell.

I thought he was lying down so how could he fall? Maybe saying his head fell back or something like that would make more sense.

I screamed out with rage and surprise.

'I cried out in rage and surprise' might be better here although I'm not sure about 'surprise'- it's more of a friendly kind of description (if that makes sense ) whereas here he is very distressed, maybe 'horror' or 'frustration' or maybe 'shock' would be better as stronger descriptions

Why was this world so cruel? To keep my focus and perhaps my sanity, I decided to help Narne. But this is just another sad part of my tale.

I’d maybe have ‘Why was this world so cruel’ in italics as his thoughts and perhaps change ‘was’ to ‘is’. To keep his focus he helped his brother- that sounds kind of strange, wouldn’t he just want to help him anyway? You have not really mentioned the brother for a while, I think it would be better if he forced himself to stay strong and help him or something like that or realising that he is needed to help his brother rather than saying it is to keep his sanity and focus.

I knew this from the books my mother, or what knew as my mother, kept to help her identify all the ills of the village.

I think you need an ‘I’ between ‘what’ and ‘knew’. ‘all the illnesses in the village’ might sound better than ‘all the ills of the village’ as to me that sounds like the bad things happening to the village itself whereas I think you are referring to individual cases with people

I was about to sleep, when a voice called out.

I wouldn’t think you could sleep after something like that but if he is falling asleep maybe something on how his eyelids were closing with heaviness or something like that would be better to describe it.

I looked and saw an old man with a staff. He appeared to be speaking to himself. I called out from my sitting place under the table.

Maybe the first two sentences would work better joined together, like 'I looked and saw an old man with a staff who appeared to be speaking to himself.' Also, I thought he was lying down?

He appeared startled for a moment and rushed to me.

I think ‘and’ might be better as ‘then’ so that he is pausing startled for a moment then rushing towards him

It was just part of his charisma, I later reasoned.

I would think a more reasonable explanation would be that it was because of his great distress or the horrors he has witnessed.

Overall: I feel so bad for the main character! I think you have started well so far in beginning with such a dramatic scene, it’s a good way of jumping straight into the story

I do think you need to work a bit on this story, mostly adding more detail, description and emotion. I do like your story but right now it seems like more of an outline that needs to be bulked out. The black thing for instance- what does it look like? How does it sound? How do the characters feel in hearing it? The first part goes by very quickly, I think you could extend it a lot more. Perhaps you could talk about how it feels where he is, what he can hear, see, smell- what is his brother doing? Try to appeal to the senses when going from scene to scene so that the reader can clearly visualise what is going on.

It’s the same with the rest of this piece, I would like to know a lot more about what is happening and how the main character feels. At times he doesn't seem majorly upset whereas most people would be in tatters, I think you could change some of the actions he takes to include more feeling in them and show how terrible he feels. It's the same with the other characters- What are their expressions like? Instead of just saying that his father lay there- what does he look like? You also don’t really explain how he reacts to his fathers words, surely his whole world would be spinning so I’d try and describe some of that. If you describe how their voices sound and how they appear it can paint a picture in the readers mind, you have a brilliant scene filled with terror and chaos so describe it!!

I picked out a few phrases that I think might be better as his thoughts, I think you could always add a couple more as this gives a direct insight into how the main character is thinking. Like I mentioned in the nitpicks, I think you should shorten the grieving with the mother for later as he would be just as desperate to find his father and I think you need to mention what is going on with the brother as as far as I can tell the main character just left him under the table.

Overall I think you have a good start and a great plot, it’s all about adding more to what you have and filling it out so that you can show the reader what it is really like, it would be quite a long scene I would think but in reading it everything goes by so quickly. Your writing it self though is good I hope you continue! All my comments are just suggestion, hope I’ve helped

Wow, Dude that was amazing but it was kinda sad when his so called mom died... poor mommy!

Mmm, this was an interesting story. It seems kinda Harry Potterish, LOTRish. But that's ok.

The small house I lived in imploded, with wood shards flying everywhere. I ducked instinctively, and grabbed my little brother

Umm, I think we know it's your house. It's unnecessary. And imploded normally means the foundation is exploded and the building falls down all neat and tidy. (Well, maybe not so tidy.) Exploded would be better.

A black... thing appeared from the place the sound originated.

Appeared where the sound originated? That sounds kinda wierd. Try something like, a black thing rose into the smoky sky. It adds more detail.

My father might still live!

That doesn't sound right. I think it should be My father might still be alive!

Do not bother with an old man like me, my time was near anyway. I need to tell you something of great importance. You are not my son, nor of any relation to any of this family. You, Melwyn, are the heir of Gwyloni the King."

You know, this is in a lot of books. The kid isn't so and so's kid and all that. Try to add some mystery to it. Say that the so called 'father' dies before he says who the kid's actual father is. That way we get a burning question.

"I'm alive, but I don't want to be."

Okay, the kid lost his so called parents. A freaky guys who talks to himself comes up, and the kid talks to him. Not usually what happens. Have the kid show fear, or anger.

"Now, young one, this is sad indeed. I am here to guide you through the coming trials. Will you trust me?"

Okay, so the kid lost his parents, and the guys starts asking him to trust him. He's a total stranger!! Think about that.

Ok, not a bad story. Just a few tweaks need to be done. Well done and a gold star for you!

Hiya! Here to review part two!

So, nice plot. It's moving along pretty nicely, and I can see some good bones.

What I'd like to point out to you is how little reaction time you give everthing. The house imploded, and he found his mother dead. We are given a paragraph of him mourning before he desided to be strong, for his brother.

Later, when his father tells him he is the heir, we don't get a reaction to that. We only get a reaction to his father's death. The little snippets of description were good, like the description of the father actually dieing (and you managed to tone down the info-dumps! nice work. ^_^) but things moved along to the next topic quickly.

Finally, when he meets the man, he has a feeling of what he should do. This is all well and good, but I don't think it's enough, you know? In real life that happens (sometimes), but in fiction you need to slow down and explain things. Else readers might not stick with it.

However, I did stick with this. The ideas you presented here flowed from one point to the next well. The shift was just a bit fast. ^_^ Spend a paragraph or two on each reaction, after the event has unfolded. Emotions are the bulk of characters, and characters are the bulk of fantasy.

Everything else was strong, I just ask you think about the pace of this.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey