Sweet Tears, and Chaos. Part 1 of Chapter 1.

If only love were like some retro pop song. Simple, but dramatic. Just enough of both. The thing is, when people are "in love", they always say that they don't want to get hurt. But they are lying. The entire population of teenage girls say it at least once in their lives. Magazines will tell you, love hurts. But what they don't tell you, is that every single person in the world longs for it. To fall in love, just for the purpose of getting hurt and having a story to tell and a reason to cry. Love is unexpected, it is not chosen. You cannot decide who you fall for.

I am a freshman high school. A victim you might say. No I'm not popular. But I don't think I want to be either. Not that I wouldn't like for every guy in my school to like me, but if that were the case, wouldn't they just like you for your popularity and not for who you really are? I believe this theory of mine.

A fifteen year old girl such as myself is not one to be accepted in the high school surroundings. My blonde hair (natural so not like the others) falls just past my shoulders, I guess it makes me stand out, ordinary height, not fat but I feel I could be thinner (self - esteem thing), I dress ordinary too. I'm not into all that frilly girly - girl short skirt kind of look. My eyes are something of hazel. I wouldn't say I'm attractive. I am not very noticeable, because I don't make an effort to look like the girls in my classes. I am used to it that way. I don't have lots and lots of friends, but the ones that I do have are ones to keep.

I live in an estate with my dad. I don't know my mother. I was told she walked out when I was at a young age. It doesn't upset me, not really. If you look at it like this: why on earth would you even want to know a person willing to walk out on her very own daughter and husband? To me, people like that are not important people at all.

Journal Entry. Friday 26, May.
Dear diary.
It is just four days until the end of the school year, and four days until my birthday. Call me stupid but I am hoping nobody will remember it. I really don't like celebrating birthdays. OH YES! On the brightside I will soon be old enough for driving right? That's enough to keep me sustained. Oh dads calling me; got to leave now.

"Callie! Come on, hurry up! You'll be late for school". Ah beauty, school. Full of bimbos, jerks, jocks and teachers. Can't wait. "Yeah I'm coming dad".

So, I head to school wearing black combat pants, dark green beaded top, a purple and grey striped sweater and straightened hair. Ugh.

I walk in, hundreds of other students close around me. I walk towards my locker area and of course I would have to drop my books all over the floor wouldn't I? It wasn't my fault. A big stupid jock walked right into me. His name is Jack. Jack is very popular. He is quite goodlooking, I know him quite well, I just never talk to him. He is a little shy, which is kind of cute. I think he is one of those guys who act tough. He never talks to me though. What should I expect, I am invisible.

I sort of have a hate towards Jack. When I was in the 7th grade he was in my class. We were partners for an English project about our family tree. We were told to compare each personality of our families together, as a way of showing the differences of everyones backgrounds.

Anyways, he saw that I only had my dad and me in my family and took it as an opportunity to make a laugh out of the fact, by telling the entire class that I had a screwed up background and I had no mother, because she could not stand the sight of me and left. He went too far. I got out of my seat and fled the class room crying. I don't know why it bothered me. He would look at me sometimes as if to say he's sorry but I never accepted. That was ages ago. Now, he just acts like I don't exist, like others do.

I was surprised when he helped me pick them up. But I still snapped at him. "It's fine; I've got it!". Ha. It felt good yelling at him.

"I'm sorry Callie I uh, didn't see you there". The sun from the above windows made Jack's dark hair glow. What an idiot. He knows nobody ever sees me in the halls, they are all to busy chatting amoungst their little friends. Half the people around my locker were laughing at me, seeing the colorful scatter of books everywhere. Mostly the popular crowd, some the less popular crowd. However, I did notice that one quirky looking girl, short brown hair and blue eyes, genuinely did look sympathetic. "No worries; I'm used to it". Had to be said.
"What do you mean?". Wow! He really is stupid. "I'm used to not being noticed by jerks, being treated like I don't exist. People like me should just be used to that don't you think?". I wonder what his reply will be.

"No I don't think". Huh? "I mean uh, a lot more people feel that way than you know.".
He is so unpredictable. You think he will just say "whatever" and walk on and then he doesn't.
"I have to get to class". There. A nice easy little way of saying back off. Too bad it didn't work.

"English class? Me too I'll walk you there". Damn.

"No thanks, I wouldn't want to ruin your reputation".
"Excuse me?" What a moron.

"Goodbye Jack". I laughed to myself after having the last word.

Ah English class. A new asignment given today. I wonder who I'll be paired with. I will just die if I'm paired with -

"Jack and Callie. You will be reciting Romeo and Juliet". What?! My poor brain. Why is he smiling?! Man I suddenly hate english class. This is so unfair. Isn't that just so typical? It would only happen to me wouldn't it? My jaw dropped instantly. I felt so mad! The rest of the class I spent doodling.

After class, I walk the halls to leave this horrible place of torture. Stupid, studid school! Why must you always be horrible to me?

"Hey! Since we are Engish partners now, could we maybe run some lines sometime tomorrow?" Why does he sound hopeful? "You want to run lines? Don't you just want to do it with a friend?"

"I would, but don't you think Fred and Eric would sound a little strange if they were reciting Shakespear?" True. I laughed. "I guess so, uh how about six?" What the hell?! I don't want anything to do with this person. But I know what he means.

"Sure, I'll see you then". This will be interesting.

Thats kool. no rush or anything but hurry up and write the rest!!!!!!it looks soooo interesting. Do they fall in love?? No dont tell me...it'll ruin the story.Can you send me a message when you put up the second part? thx. .

Hello, darling, and welcome to YWS! I'm Music, and I'd be glad to help you with anything if you're in need.


Grammar & Line-by-line Comments:

If only love were like some retro pop - song.
No need for that dash. I love the statement, by the way.

No, I'm not popular. But I don't think I want to be, either. Not that [s]i[/s]I wouldn't like for every guy in my school to like me, but if that were the case, wouldn't they just like you for your popularity and not for who you really are?

Pretty average looking, really. Blonde hair (natural, so not like the others), ordinary height, not fat, but I feel I could be thinner (self-esteem thing)[s],[/s]; I dress ordinary, too... My eyes are something of [s]hazil[/s] a hazel. I am not very [s]noticed[/s]noticeable, because I don't make an effort to look like the girls in my classes.

I live in an estate with my [s]Dad.[/s]dad. I don't know my mother. I was told she walked out when I was at a young age. It doesn't upset me, not really. If you look at it like this: [s]W[/s]why on earth would you even want to know a person willing to walk out on her very own daughter and husband?

Dear diary[s].[/s],
It is just four days until the end of the school year, and four days until my birthday. Call me stupid, but I am hoping nobody will remember it. I really don't like celebrating birthdays. OH, YES! On the Two words bright side, I will soon be old enough for driving, right? That's enough to keep me sustained. Oh, Dad's calling me[s],[/s]; got to leave now, bye.
If using a comma where it should have been a semicolon was your intent because it's a journal entry, forget I said that.

"Callie! Come on, hurry up! [s]y[/s]You'll be late for school". Ah, beauty, school. Do you mean beauty school, or are you sarcastically calling school beautiful? It's unclear... Full of bimbos, jerks, jocks and teachers. Can't wait This was odd to say. Perhaps italicize "Can't wait" instead of having this. (False enthusiasm). "Yeah, I'm coming, Dad".

I walk in, [s]like[/s] hundreds of other students [s]close around[/s]surrounding me. I [s]walk towards[/s]go to my locker area, and of course I would have to drop my books all over the floor, wouldn't I? <--- I don't like this phrasing. Perhaps a bit of revising is needed? It wasn't my fault. A big, stupid jock walked right into me. His name is Jack. What should [s]i[/s] expect, I am [s]invisable[/s]invisible.

When I was in the [s]7th[/s]seventh grade, he was in my class. We were partners for an [s]english[/s]English project about our family tree. We were told to compare each personality of our families together, as a way of showing the differences of everyone's backgrounds.

Anyway[s]s[/s], [s]H[/s]he saw that I only had my [s]D[/s]dad and me in my family and took it as an opportunity to make a laugh out of the fact, by telling the entire class that [s]i[/s]I had a screwed up background and I had no mother, because she could not stand the sight of me and left. He went too far. I got out of my seat and fled the class room, crying. I don't know why it bothered me. He would look at me sometimes as if to say he's sorry but [s]i[/s]I never accepted. That was ages ago. Now, he just acts like I don't exist, like others do.

"It's fine; I've got it!"

"I'm sorry, Callie, I, uh, didn't see you there[s]".[/s]." What an idiot. He knows nobody ever sees me in the halls[s],[/s]; they are all to busy chatting amo[s]u[/s]ngst their little friends.
You seem to be having a little trouble with semicolons, my darling. Check out this for help.

Start a new paragraph here."No worries[s],[/s]; I'm used to it[s]".[/s]." Had to be said.
Also look here for help on dialogue punctuation.

"What do you mean?" No need for this period. . [s]WOW![/s]Wow. He really is stupid. "I'm used to not being noticed by jerks, being treated like I don't exist. People like me should just be used to that, don't you think?".<--- No period.

"No, I don't think". Huh? "I mean, uh, a lot <--- Two words. more people feel that way than you know.".<--- No period.

He is so unpredictable. You think he will just say "whatever" and walk on, and then he doesn't.

"I have to get to class".<---No period. There. A nice easy little way of saying back off. Too bad it didn't work.

"English class? Me too I'll walk you there". Damn.

New paragraph here. "No thanks, I wouldn't want to ruin your reputation".

"Excuse me?" What a moron.

And another here. "Goodbye, Jack".
You didn't really specify who said what in the last few lines. You don't need to tag everything, but make sure the reader knows what's going on. And space each time a different character starts talking.

Ah, English class. A new assignment given today. I wonder who I'll be paired with. I will just die if I'm paired with -
I really like this.

Caps! They burn! Please refrain from using them, darling. Italics will work just as well! WHAT?! My poor brain. Why is he smiling?! Man, I suddenly hate [s]e[/s]English class. This is so unfair. Isn't that just so typical? It would only happen to me, wouldn't it?

Stupid, [s]studid[/s]stupid school! Why must you be so cruel?
Did you intend for that to rhyme? It seemed so, and a bit cheesy, I might add.

"Hey! Since we are English partners now, could we maybe run some lines sometime tomorrow?" Why does he sound hopeful?

New paragraph. "You want to run lines? Don't you just want to do it with a friend?"

"I would, but don't you think Fred and Eric would sound a little strange if they were reciting Shakespeare?" True.

New paragraph. I laughed. "[s]Haha[/s] <--- No one really says "haha". They laugh. Use tags to your advantage. I guess so, uh, how about [s]6[/s]six? <--- Spell out numbers." What the HELL?! <---Again with the caps. Those aren't necessary, and neither is the double punctuation, darling.

A few pointers:

You made a couple typos as well as mistakes on punctuation. Make sure you look over your draft carefully before posting so readers can focus on your story, not your grammar.


Language Usage & Writing Style: I like your style, Falls. You don't try and be sophisticated, but you're not pathetically immature, either. Your narrator sounds believable and realistic. Good job.
But, let's not go with those caps, okay? Good job with the present tense, by the way. I find it very hard to write in that tense, but you made it work nicely.


Imagery & Emotion: I felt you didn't have enough imagery. Your emotion was cutely described by the narrator's quirky thoughts.
Just add small touches of imagery, darling. Perhaps the fluorescent light of the school made Jack's skin look green. Maybe the markers contrasted greatly on the white chalk board. Describe the crowd of students around her locker, the colorful array of her spilled books.


Characters: All right. You began the story with the narrator explaining herself. Would she really do such a thing? Most of your story went along with a thing we call "show", as in the reader follows the actions, instead of giving them recaps (that would be "telling".)
If you have your narrator give a low-down on her looks, name, age, and whatnot, it's a complete info dump. Subtle hints help. Include that she has whatever grade level English when she tells him what her next class is. See how it shows us what grade she's in, but she's not really just saying, "I am in ___ grade."
Perhaps you say that her blonde hair fell about her shoulders, separating her from the crowd. Don't have the character say she is "average looking" and go on describing her looks. To be quite honest, the reader doesn't care.


Plot & Storyline: To continue with the "reader caring" thing, this is where you need to make the reader care. This is where they need to be drawn in. I loved the beginning, but when you started having your narrator explain herself, you lost me. My advice is to scratch this. When you got back to the "real world" (basically when she got to school)- I became intrigued once again. Remember that, in the way you're writing, the narrator isn't telling the story- she's living it.
You have me hooked, though. I'm excited to see what's next.


Overall Impressions: I liked it, aside from those few things I mentioned above. With revisions, it will be a great piece, my darling! Keep working!

Again, feel free to PM me with questions! I'd love to be notified when you post again!

Love,
Music

Hi I like the storyline here and the way you introduce the main character, the opening paragraph was a good way of starting the story I did notice quite a few punctuation errors and little things like that, I'll probably point the general mistakes I noticed at the end, but other than that nice work

The entire population of teenage girls say it at least once in their lives.

I know you are referring to each teenage girl but here it sounded a bit strange to me as you are referring to 'the entire population of teenage girls' all kind of clumped together- I think you could phrase it a bit differently, perhaps something like 'Every teenage girl says it at least once in their lives.' to make more sense

Not that i wouldn't like for every guy in my school to like me, but if that were the case, wouldn't they just like you for your popularity and not for who you really are? I believe this theory of mine.

'i' needs to be capitalised and you switch from talking about 'me' to talking about 'you' whereas I think it might be better to just carry on talking about yourself, so changing 'wouldn't they just like you for your popularity and not for who you really are?' to 'wouldn't they just like me for my popularity and not for who I really am?' I'm not sure about 'I believe this theory of mine'- it sounds a bit awkward. I'd maybe reword it to something like 'That's my theory anyway'- as you would believe your own theory as it is your theory

A 15 year old girl such as myself is not one to be accepted in the high school surroundings

I'm not sure if 'surroundings' is the right word to use here as you are referring to the people. Maybe 'in high school society' or something like that.

Pretty average looking really. Blonde hair (natural so not like the others), ordinary height, not fat but I feel I could be thinner (self - esteem thing), I dress ordinary too.

I'd add 'I'm' at the beginning of this and join the second sentence to the first with a dash or semi colon as you are extending upon the first statement. when you say 'natural so not like the others' it sounded a bit strange, I think you could phrase it better as its not clear who 'the others' are- for instance 'natural unlike the majority of girls at my school'. Instead of 'ordinary height' 'average height' is a more commonly used description that might fit in here and the second time you use 'ordinary' I think it should be 'ordinarily' although when you say 'ordinarily' its not really clear what you mean as ordinary clothing is different to each person. Something like 'simply' or 'basically' might show more accurately what you mean if you are just referring to the classic jeans and t-shirt combo Otherwise I would be a bit more descriptive as to what you mean.

My eyes are something of hazil. I am not very noticed, because I don't make an effort to look like the girls in my classes. I am used to it that way.

'Hazil' should be 'Hazel' and I think you could change the first sentence a bit as it sounds a bit clumsy written as it is, maybe 'my eyes are something close to hazel' or 'my eyes are a similar shade of hazel'. I think 'I am not very noticed' might sound better as 'I am not often noticed' or something similar

I don't know my mother. I was told she walked out when I was at a young age. It doesn't upset me, not really.

I'd maybe join the first two sentences with a dash and leave out the comma and 'not' in the last sentence as otherwise it could sound like you are contradicting yourself- saying it does actually upset you.

If you look at it like this: Why on earth would you even want to know a person willing to walk out on her very own daughter and husband?

'If you look at it like this' didn't sound right to me somehow, maybe instead you could say 'I look at it like this-' or 'This is how I see it-' I'd maybe leave out 'very' before 'own' here to as I think the sentence flows easier without it

OH YES! On the brightside I will soon be old enough for driving right? That's enough to keep me sustained.

I'd leave out the 'right?' here, maybe replacing it with a dash as she's writing to herself so there is no-one to reply to her and its the type of thing you say if you are in a conversation with someone. You could maybe add something on after 'sustained' to show what it is keeping you sustained through. I think 'OH YES!' Might be more effective not in caps and the same when you later use caps- I think in general it's better not to use them as the whatever comments you are making is more effective without them and just by using different punctuation like exclamation marks to show their enthusiasm

Ah beauty, school. Full of bimbos, jerks, jocks and teachers. Can't wait (False enthusiasm).

It might just be me but I wouldn't really say 'beauty'- maybe 'joy' or 'great' and I don't think you need the brackets as it is very obvious that its false enthusiasm anyway

So, I head to school wearing black combat pants, dark green beaded top, a purple and grey striped sweater and straightened hair. Ugh.

You're not wearing straightened hair so I'd maybe add something before it like 'and with my hair straightened' to show it is not part of the list of clothing. I'd add 'a' before 'dark green beaded top' and why 'ugh'? If the character doesn't like what they are wearing I'd maybe extend on it a bit.

I walk in like hundreds of other students close around me. I walk towards my locker area and of course I would have to drop my books all over the floor wouldn't I? It wasn't my fault. A big stupid jock walked right into me. His name is Jack. What should i expect, I am invisable.

'invisible' should be 'invisible' and you repeat 'walk' a few times where I think you could maybe change it once or twice so you are not repeating it. At first as well when you say 'I walk in' its not clear where 'in' is, you could maybe rephrase it to something like 'I trudge into the school building like hundreds of other students close beside me.' That way you are describing how she felt as she is going into school I'd maybe add 'after all' on the end of the last sentence and the 'i' should be capitalised.

I sort of have a hate towards Jack. When I was in the 7th grade he was in my class. We were partners for an english project about our family tree. We were told to compare each personality of our families together, as a way of showing the differences of everyone's backgrounds.

'have a hate' sounds a bit strange- ' a grudge' or 'I kind of hate' might work better instead. I think you could join the second and third sentences with 'and' and I'm not sure what you mean when you say about comparing personalities. Do you mean comparing the trees you both have or the history? That might make more sense here.

Anyways, He saw that I only had my Dad and me in my family and took it as an opportunity to make a laugh out of the fact, by telling the entire class that i had a screwed up background and I had no mother, because she could not stand the sight of me and left.

'He' needs a small 'h' and 'make a laugh out of the fact' I think could be rephrased or run a bit smoother- maybe 'to make a joke out of it'. 'i' needs to be capitalised again

He would look at me sometimes as if to say he's sorry but i never accepted. That was ages ago. Now, he just acts like I don't exist, like others do.

'he's' would be 'he is' but you are saying he used to do this and doesn't anymore so instead I'd maybe say 'he was', I'd maybe add on 'his apology' or something like that after 'accepted' as otherwise it doesn't make sense as to what you accepted. 'i' needs to be capitalised again and I'd perhaps add 'all the' before 'others' or change it to something like 'everyone else does' as I think you were referring to everyone ignoring you but by this it just sounds like a couple of others do and its not clear who they are.

He knows nobody ever sees me in the halls, they are all to busy chatting amoungst their little friends.

'amoungst' should be 'amongst' and I'm not sure why you are saying that he knows everyone else doesn't see her as he is just talking about himself- maybe instead you could rephrase it to say something about it being the same with everyone else as they never see you in the hall either.

WOW! He really is stupid.

I think this might be better without caps like before

He is so unpredictable. You think he will just say "whatever" and walk on and then he doesn't.

I think the second sentence might flow better with something at the beginning like 'One minute' or 'Every now and then' to show that he doesn't always do this.

Ah English class. A new asignment given today. I wonder who I'll be paired with. I will just die if I'm paired with -

'asignment' should be 'assignment' and this all sounds a bit jerky- I think you could rewrite it to run smoother, for instance- 'English class is not that much more fun. We are given a new assignment and for it have to get into pairs. I'm just starting to wonder who I'll be with when-' I'd play a round with it a bit until you find something you think sounds good

WHAT?! My poor brain.

I'd put 'WHAT?!' into lower case here and why your poor brain?

After class, I walk the halls to leave this horrible place of torture. Stupid, studid school! Why must you be so cruel?

you say 'studid' instead of 'stupid' here 'I walk down the hall' might be better than 'I walk the halls' and you could maybe change 'walk' to something else more descriptive to show how she is moving- is she rushing to get away or something like that.

"I would, but don't you think Fred and Eric would sound a little strange if they were reciting Shakespear?" True. "Haha I guess so, uh how about 6?" What the HELL?! I don't want anything to do with this person. But I know what he means.

"Sure, I'll see you then". This will be interesting.

When you say 'Haha I guess so' I thought you were talking about her saying this but then you react to it like it's the guy so I was kind of confused here. Again with the caps I think 'Shakespear' should be 'Shakespeare' here.

Overall: I know I have done a lot of nitpicks but they are all little things I am picking out, the general story I really enjoyed and I hope you continue!

When you wrote speech you didn't separate the lines between when different people are speaking which you need to do as otherwise it is unclear who is talking and I also noticed that the punctuation at the end of the speech was usually on the outside of the speech marks whereas it should be on the inside. I'd go back and check though your work with that

I like the sound of the main character! She seems more independent and not afraid to speak her mind. I think you have described her well but there isn't much on the guy- perhaps some details on him would be good. I also didn't get much of a feel for the scene- maybe you could show more what is going on, not just by how it looks but by sounds and feelings and things like that. Whilst they are talking there isn't much expression or detail on how they are standing or looking at one another. I think you could show well how Jack appears when he is apologising.

The English class you kind of skip past and although its not that important a little more to it like on how she felt after hearing about the pairing in the lesson might be good just to show that more time has passed. You do well on describing Callie's thoughts but not much on her actions, even little things like fiddling with her hair or biting her lip might be nice touched every now and then.

Sorry for the longness of this review! I did like it and all my comments are just suggestions so ignore them if you want I really Hope I've helped and that you post more soon!

First, the title's great, really catchy. And then the rest...
I am in year nine of high school- I think it'd be better to simply say 'I'm a freshman in high school', it sounds much more realistic.
A 15 year old girl such as myself....- spell out the 15, it'll look much neater
My blonde hair (natural so not like the others) falls just past my shoulders, I guess it makes me stand out, ordinary height, not fat but I feel I could be thinner (self - esteem thing), I dress ordinary too. I'm not into all that frilly girly - girl short skirt kind of look. My eyes are something of hazel.- I think the character's physical traits should be spread out, here and there. To pile it all up in a paragraph is too corny.
Dear diary- Is this too corny? I think most people just like to write their journal entry out, or instead write 'Dear Journal'. Whatever seems best for you.
Oh dads calling me; got to leave now, bye- I don't think people say bye to their journals. Just leave it at 'Oh dads calling me"
What should i expect- you forgot to capitalize I.
I sort of have a hate towards Jack. When I was in the 7th grade he was in my class. We were partners for an English project about our family tree. We were told to compare each personality of our families together, as a way of showing the differences of everyones backgrounds- this paragraph sounds a bit choppy, could you try to make it more connected?
A big stupid jock walked right into me. His name is Jack.- At this point you should describe Jack a little. Point out his muscular arms, or his disgusting gelled hair, make it as harsh as possible since the MC hates him and it's in her point of view.
Sure, I'll see you then".- I'm pretty sure you put the period before the quotation mark.
In total, you're story is really catchy, I'm waiting to see what happends. Do they fall in love? Or does Callie slap Jack in the face?

Hello, Sakura! Unique name by the way; love it! I've seen that you've posted several chapters of this so far so I decided that I should start reading as well

My jaw dropped intantly.

Should be instantly.

~ ~ ~ ~

Since I only found one thing really wrong with this I must say you have a nice way of writing. It's very teenage-ish but with an edge I hadn't expected. You have a way of talking to the reader as if they were the main character's best friend. I like it

Keep up the good work!

Wow. Just wow. I really liked this story. You have a really good introduction and your description of Callie is written very nicely. I can picture her almost perfectly in my head. Dialogue between characters is pretty good too and that's about it. There's not too much bad stuff to say about this.

Corrections already made in bold

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:My blonde hair (natural so not like the others) falls just past my shoulders. I guess it makes me stand out. Ordinary height, not fat but I feel I could be thinner (self - esteem thing), I dress ordinary too.

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:Oh,dad's calling me; got to leave now.

"Callie! Come on, hurry up! You'll be late for school". Ah beauty, school. Full of bimbos, jerks, jocks and teachers. Can't wait.

"Yeah I'm coming dad".

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:He is quite good looking, I know him quite well, I just never talk to him. He is a little shy, which is kind of cute. I think he is one of those guys who acts tough.

SakuraFallsSweetly♥ wrote:We were told to compare each personality of our families together, as a way of showing the differences of everyone's backgrounds.

"I would, but don't you think Fred and Eric Who? would sound a little strange if they were reciting Shakespeare?" True. I laughed.

"I guess so, uh how about six?" What the hell?! I don't want anything to do with this person.